Soft words, but they sent a painful, welcome tremor through me. Had a part of me doubted it? He’d been gone so often.
I touched his hand. “I miss you too.”
“Come to target practice with me tomorrow,” he said. “Down by the lake.”
“I can’t. Nikolai and I are meeting with a delegation of Kerch bankers. They want to see the Sun Summoner before they guarantee a loan to the Crown.”
“Tell him you’re sick.”
“Grisha don’t get sick.”
“Well, tell him you’re busy,” he said.
“I can’t.”
“Other Grisha take time to—”
“I’m not other Grisha,” I said, more harshly than I intended.
“I know that,” he said wearily. He let out a long breath. “Saints, I hate this place.”
I blinked, startled by the vehemence in his voice. “You do?”
“I hate the parties. I hate the people. I hate everything about it.”
“I thought … you seemed … not happy exactly, but—”
“I don’t belong here, Alina. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.”
That I didn’t believe. Mal fit in everywhere. “Nikolai says everyone adores you.”
“They’re amused by me,” Mal said. “That’s not the same thing.” He turned my hand over, tracing the scar that ran the length of my palm. “Do you know I actually miss being on the run? Even that filthy little boardinghouse in Cofton and working in the warehouse. At least then I felt like I was doing something, not just wasting time and gathering gossip.”
I shifted uncomfortably, feeling suddenly defensive. “You take every chance you get to be away. You don’t have to accept every invitation.”
He stared at me. “I stay away to protect you, Alina.”
“From what?” I asked incredulously.
He stood up, pacing restlessly across the room. “What do you think people asked me on the royal hunt? The first thing? They wanted to know about me and you.” He turned on me, and when he spoke his voice was cruel, mocking. “Is it true that you’re tumbling the Sun Summoner? What’s it like with a Saint? Does she have a taste for trackers, or does she take all of her servants to her bed?” He crossed his arms. “I stay away to put distance between us, to stop the rumors. I probably shouldn’t even be in here now.”
I circled my knees with my arms, drawing them more tightly to my chest. My cheeks were burning. “Why didn’t you say something?”
“What could I say? And when? I barely see you anymore.”
“I thought you wanted to go.”
“I wanted you to ask me to stay.”
My throat felt tight. I opened my mouth, ready to tell him that he wasn’t being fair, that I couldn’t have known. But was that the truth? Maybe I had really believed Mal was happier away from the Little Palace. Or maybe I’d just told myself that because it was easier with him gone, because it meant one less person watching and wanting something from me.
“I’m sorry,” I rasped.
He raised his hands as if to plead his case, then dropped them helplessly. “I feel you slipping away from me, and I don’t know how to stop it.”
Tears pricked my eyes. “We’ll find a way,” I said. “We’ll make more time—”
“It’s not just that. Ever since you put on that second amplifier, you’ve been different.” My hand strayed to the fetter. “When you split the dome, the way you talk about the firebird … I heard you speaking to Zoya the other day. She was scared, Alina. And you liked it.”
“Maybe I did,” I said, my anger rising. It felt so much better than guilt or shame. “So what? You have no idea what she’s like, what this place has been like for me. The fear, the responsibility—”
“I know that. I know. And I can see the toll it’s taking. But you chose this. You have a purpose. I don’t even know what I’m doing here anymore.”
“Don’t say that.” I swung my legs off the bed and stood. “We do have a purpose. We came here for Ravka. We—”
“No, Alina. You came here for Ravka. For the firebird. To lead the Second Army.” He tapped the sun over his heart. “I came here for you. You’re my flag. You’re my nation. But that doesn’t seem to matter anymore. Do you realize this is the first time we’ve really been alone in weeks?”
The knowledge of that settled over us. The room seemed unnaturally quiet. Mal took a single tentative step toward me. Then he closed the space between us in two long strides. One hand slid around my waist, the other cupped my face. Gently, he tilted my mouth up to his.
“Come back to me,” he said softly. He drew me to him, but as his lips met mine, something flickered in the corner of my eye.
The Darkling was standing behind Mal. I stiffened.
Mal pulled back. “What?” he said.
“Nothing. I just…” I trailed off. I didn’t know what to say.
The Darkling was still there. “Tell him you see me when he takes you in his arms,” he said.
I squeezed my eyes shut.
Mal dropped his hands and stepped away from me, his fingers curling into fists. “I guess that’s all I needed to know.”