DREAMS AND TRUTH
“WHAT ARE YOU talking about?” Justin was gentle. More than he should be, given what she was about to say.
“I am not going to dream anymore. I am not going to pretend that I am anything that I am not. That I could never be, not really.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Are you not able to see? Your understanding of me is clouded because you think you have feelings for me.”
“I do have feelings for you.”
“They are not real. They are not grounded in truth.”
“I know who you are, and I adore you.”
“No. I am too damaged. My eccentricities too insurmountable. I have been trying to behave as though I can attain a normal existence and have normal experiences and interactions. It is a charade. My past is indicative of who I am and who I will always be. You perhaps find my character temporarily amusing, interesting even, but you will tire of me, and this will fall apart.” She looked at him now. “I do not want this with you. This relationship cannot survive. It cannot survive me.”
Justin’s face paled and he began shaking his head. “No. No, don’t say that. No, no. You can’t do this.”
“Yes. I can. I have to. In my heart, I am weak. You have now heard about Flat Finn and about how I carried around a replica of my dead brother for years. That is bizarre. And because of my weakness and fragility, I am responsible for the destruction of Matt and Julie’s relationship. The destruction of my brother, really. Matthew knew that I would disintegrate without him then and now, and he is likely correct. I will not let you sacrifice yourself for me the way that he did. And it will happen.”
“What? What are you talking about?” He was panicking now, his voice shaking and his breathing irregular. “No, no. I am not sacrificing anything for you. And you are not weak. Do you not see that? You don’t, do you.” He stood up and paced in front of her. “You have more strength than anyone should. All those years that you were alone? That you isolated yourself? You didn’t have friends, you didn’t have anyone to be close with, to talk with, or… or play with. You were alone. That must have been painful, and yet you rallied anyway and kept going. It takes strength to stay apart from the crowd. You are brave, Celeste. So what if you found a way to deal with your brother’s death that was a little unusual? Good for you. It was a smart thing. I don’t care what you had to do to get through something so painful.”
Celeste was shut down now, speaking in a monotone. “You will never be able to look at me the same way now that you know. About Flat Finn, about how I have taken everything from Matthew. I am a drain on those around me. That will not change. I am weird. As I said yesterday, I am certainly diagnosable, and that makes for something too drastic for you to have to deal with.” She inhaled the truth, choking on the conviction of what she was saying. “Do you see how quickly I come undone? With a snap of the fingers. I had a bout of temporary sanity. It was a joke. An illusion. Now I understand the nature of my character and the expansive impact that I have on others.”
Justin put both hands in his hair and continued pacing, talking quickly, desperately. “You don’t get to tell me what I want and don’t want. God, we’re all probably diagnosable. Look at the world around you. Look! We all have something. All of us. Every single person in this world has a quirk. The guy in my lit class who can’t stop sniffing every time the professor mentions the words thematic representations? Or… or… or the way my friend Trent gets a new body piercing every time he gets an electric shock on the job? That’s weird, right? But it’s cool. It makes him who he is. I mean, I wouldn’t do it because that’s not me, but it’s him. And… and… I never understood the whole piercing thing, myself. Seems a rather extreme and painful way to express yourself, but—”
“Justin, stop,” she said quietly. He was coming apart. Another thing that was her fault.
“No, no, I will not stop. And how about me? What about how you are with me? What about the snowy owl? Remember that first night that we went out, and I spilled and tripped and babbled and made a huge disaster out of everything? You didn’t care, right? Tell me you didn’t care? I know you didn’t. That’s how you are. And I don’t care about any of this stuff about you that you think is not okay. You have to stop hating yourself. And stop assuming that everyone else will hate you. Please, you have to. Look how much you’ve done this year? You have Dallas and other new friends. You were great at Barton yesterday. And you have me. Sometimes you need someone else to believe in you, to carry you, until you can do that yourself. Let me carry you. You’re almost there. Damn it, Celeste, you’re almost there. God, please, you have me, and I want you.” He stopped walking back and forth and put both of his hands over his heart. “I want you so much.”
She looked at him, utterly exhausted now. “You only think you do. It will pass. I will not allow you to be further dragged into my dysfunction. You know how to work with whatever you imagine are your challenges. I do not. I refuse to be a burden on you or anyone anymore. We are over.”
“Stop it! Matt made choices and those are his responsibility. Don’t blame him for loving you.” Justin’s eyes were red now. “And don’t blame me either. What about this weekend? What about everything that has gone on between us?” He got on his knees in front of her and took her by the wrists, pressing her hands against his chest. “I love you. Do you feel that? I love you, Celeste.”
“You are mistaken. You cannot possibly. And even if part of you thinks you do, I will not let you.”
“Listen to me!” He pressed her hands more tightly to him. “Don’t doubt my love. Don’t doubt yourself. You don’t get to do that. Remember we talked about the fight? You’re in it again. So win. Fight for yourself, fight for me, for us. For… for whatever you need to. But win this battle and win the war. This is not the time to give up; it’s not. God, you’ve worked so hard this year; you get more and more comfortable every time I talk to you, so don’t stop now. Everything is lined up in your favor, so I’m telling you, win the war. Finish it. You need this to be over.” He tried so hard to smile. “You’re a pacifist, anyway. You are. Let the past rest. Let there be a future. Find the peace.”
Celeste stood up, her emotions dulled. She was unable to cry, unable to feel. It was time for her to go. She took the car keys from her pocket.
He put both hands on her legs, trying to stop her. “You are more capable of being loved than you understand. And—Celeste, this is important—you nurture and love and protect more than anyone I have known. Or could know. Don’t take that away from me. From us.”
She had to gasp for air. It took enormous effort to get these words out. “My future is to be alone. No one will get hurt that way. You believe that differences make the world go around? You are wrong. People die, people are cruel, people leave, people get hurt. They damage each other, reject each other, abandon each other, they break up, and they spiral downward. Those are the things that make my world go around. There is no allowance in my life for happiness despite my efforts. It is fleeting only and cannot hold. I have failed, and now I surrender. I cannot tolerate having anything to lose. So I choose to let you go before you are pulled into my darkness and lost. Because you, you of all people, Justin, deserve light.”
Now she was drained. Now there was nothing left. She turned from him and walked away, leaving him on his knees in the wet sand. Looking back was not an option. Celeste could not bear to see what she had done to him. It was better to do this today than months from now, when their hearts were further entwined, when the pain would be even greater.
When Matt returned to the hotel, they would drive to the airport and take the first flight back to Boston. Life would resume as Celeste had known it—life before she’d had hope, before Justin, and before that enticing taste of joy had broken through her walls.
Only this time, she would not have Matt, because she would have to let him go, too. It was the only way that she could free her brother.