‘I do care,’ Eleanor hissed. ‘I just can’t … help you.’
The door opened, and Mouse wandered in. ‘Ben, Ben, Ben, where’s my car, Ben? Where’s my car? Ben?’ He jumped on Ben for no reason. Sometimes you didn’t know until after Mouse jumped on you whether he was hugging you or trying to kill you.
Ben tried to push Mouse off as quietly as he could. Eleanor threw a book at him. (A paperback.
God.) Mouse ran out of the room, and Eleanor leaned out of her bed to close the door. She could practically
open
her
dresser
without getting out of bed.
‘I can’t help you,’ she said. It felt like letting go of them in deep water. ‘I can’t even help myself.’
Maisie’s face was hard.
‘Please don’t tell,’ Eleanor said.
Maisie and Ben exchanged looks again, then Maisie, still hard and gray, turned to Eleanor.
‘Will you let us use your stuff?’
‘What stuff?’ Eleanor asked.
‘Your comics,’ Ben said.
‘They’re not mine.’
‘Your makeup,’ Maisie said.
They’d probably catalogued her whole freaking bed. Her grapefruit box was packed with contraband these days, all of it from Park … They were already into everything, she was sure.
‘You have to put it away when you’re done,’ Eleanor said. ‘And the comics aren’t mine, Ben, they’re borrowed. You have to keep them nice …
‘And if you get caught,’ she turned to Maisie, ‘Mom will take it all away. Especially the makeup.
None of us will have it then.’
They both nodded.
‘I would have let you use some, anyway,’ she said to Maisie.
‘You just had to ask.’
‘Liar,’ Maisie said.
And she was right.
Park Wednesdays were the worst.
No Eleanor. And his dad ignored him all through dinner and taekwando.
Park wondered if it was just the eyeliner that had done it – or if the eyeliner had been the pencil that broke the camel’s back. Like Park had spent sixteen years acting weak and weird and girlie, and his dad had borne it on his massive shoulders. And then one day, Park put on makeup, and that was it, his dad just shrugged him off.
Your dad loves you, Eleanor said. And she was right. But it didn’t matter. That was table stakes. His dad loved him in a completely obligatory way, like Park loved Josh.
His dad couldn’t stand the sight of him.
Park kept wearing eyeliner to school. And he kept washing it off when he got home. And his dad kept acting like he wasn’t there.
Eleanor It was just a matter of time now. If Maisie and Ben knew, their mom would find out. Either the kids would tell her, or she’d find some clue Eleanor had overlooked, or something
…
It
would
be
something.
Eleanor didn’t have anywhere to hide her secrets. In a box, on her bed. At Park’s house, a block away.
She was running out of time with him.
CHAPTER 39
Eleanor
Thursday night after dinner, Park’s grandma came over to have her hair set, and his mom disappeared into the garage. His dad
was
messing
with
the
plumbing
under
the
sink,
replacing the garbage disposal.
Park was trying to tell Eleanor about a tape he’d bought. Elvis Costello. He couldn’t shut up about it.
‘There are a couple songs you might like, ballady stuff. But the rest is really fast.’
‘Like punk?’ She wrinkled her nose. She could stand a few Dead Milkmen songs, but other than that, she hated Park’s punk music.
‘I feel like they’re yelling at me,’
she’d say when he tried to put punk on her mix tapes. ‘Stop yelling at me, Glenn Danzig!’
‘That’s Henry Rollins.’
‘They all sound the same when they’re yelling at me.’
Lately, Park was really into New Wave music. Or post-punk or something. He went through bands like Eleanor went through books.
‘No,’ he said, ‘Elvis Costello is more musical. Gentler. I’ll dub you a copy.’
‘Or you could just play it for me. Now.’
Park tilted his head. ‘That would involve going into my room.’
‘Okay,’ she said, not quite casually.
‘Okay?’ he asked. ‘Months of no, and now, okay?’
‘Okay,’ Eleanor said. ‘You’re always saying that your mom doesn’t care …’
‘My mom doesn’t care.’
‘So?’
Park
stood
up
jerkily,
grinning, and pulled her up. He stopped at the kitchen. ‘We’re going to listen to music in my room.’
‘Fine,’ his dad said from under the sink. ‘Just don’t get anybody pregnant.’
That
should
have
been
embarrassing, but Park’s dad had a
way
of
cutting
past
embarrassing. Eleanor wished he wasn’t ignoring them all the time.
Park’s mom probably let him have girls in his room because you could practically see into his room from the living room, and you had to walk by to get to the bathroom.
But, to Eleanor, it still felt incredibly private.