And if Richie had been inside waiting for her, maybe she would have dropped to her knees and begged him to let her stay. Maybe she would have said anything he wanted her to.
If he wanted that now – if he wanted her to beg for forgiveness, for mercy, if that was the price she had to pay to stay – she’d do it.
She hoped he couldn’t see that.
She hoped none of them could see what was left of her.
Park
She ignored Mr Stessman in English class.
In history, she stared out the window.
On the way home, she wasn’t irritable; she wasn’t anything at all.
‘Okay?’ he asked.
She nodded her head against him.
When she got off the bus at her stop, Park still hadn’t told her.
So he jumped up and followed her, even though he knew she wouldn’t want him to.
‘Park …’ she said, looking nervously down the street to her house.
‘I know,’ he said, ‘but I wanted to tell you … I’m not grounded anymore.’
‘You’re not?’
‘Uh-uh.’ He shook his head.
‘That’s great,’ she said.
‘Yeah …’
She looked back at her house.
‘It means you can come over again,’ he said.
‘Oh,’ she said.
‘I mean, if you want to.’ This wasn’t going like he thought it would. Even when Eleanor was looking at him, she wasn’t looking at him.
‘Oh,’ she said.
‘Eleanor? Is everything okay?’
She nodded.
‘Do you still …’ He hung onto the backpack straps across his chest. ‘I mean, do you still want to? Do you still miss me?’
She nodded. She looked like she was going to cry. Park hoped she wouldn’t cry at his house again … If she ever came back. It felt like she was slipping away.
‘I’m just really tired,’ she said.
CHAPTER 26
Eleanor
Did she miss him?
She wanted to lose herself in him. To tie his arms around her like a tourniquet.
If she showed him how much she needed him, he’d run away.
CHAPTER 27
Eleanor
Eleanor felt better the next morning. Mornings usually got the best of her.
This morning, she woke up with that stupid cat curled up against her like it couldn’t tell that she’d never liked him or cats in general.
And then her mom gave her a fried egg sandwich that Richie hadn’t wanted, and pinned an old, chipped glass flower to Eleanor’s jacket.
‘I found it at the thrift shop,’
her mom said. ‘Maisie wanted it, but I saved it for you.’ She smudged vanilla behind Eleanor’s ears.
‘I might go to Tina’s house after school,’ Eleanor said.
‘Okay, have fun.’
Eleanor hoped that Park would be waiting for her at the bus stop, but she wouldn’t blame him if he wasn’t.
He was. He was standing there in the half-light, wearing a gray trench coat and black high-tops, and watching for her.
She ran past the last few houses to get to him.
‘Good morning,’ she said, shoving him with both hands.
He laughed and stepped back.
‘Who are you?’
‘I’m your girlfriend,’ she said.
‘Ask anybody.’
‘No … my girlfriend is sad and quiet and keeps me up all night worrying about her.’
‘Bummer. Sounds like you need a different girlfriend.’
He smiled and shook his head.
It was cold and half dark, and Eleanor could see Park’s breath.
She resisted the urge to try to swallow it.
‘I told my mom that I was going to a friend’s house after school …’ she said.
‘Yeah?’
Park was the only person she knew who wore his backpack actually on his shoulders, not slung over one side – and he was always holding onto the straps, like he’d just jumped out of a plane or something. It was extremely cute. Especially when he was being shy and letting his head hang forward.
She pulled the front of his bangs. ‘Yeah.’
‘Cool,’ he said, smiling, all shiny cheeks and full lips.
Don’t bite his face, Eleanor told herself. It’s disturbing and needy and never happens in situation comedies or movies that end with big kisses.
‘I’m sorry about yesterday,’
she said.
He hung onto his straps and shrugged.
‘Yesterday happens.’
God, it was like he wanted her to eat his face clean off.
Park He almost told her all the things his mom had said about her.
It seemed like it was wrong to keep secrets from Eleanor.
But it seemed like it would be more wrong to share that kind of secret. It would just make Eleanor even more nervous. She might even refuse to come over …
And she was so happy today.
She was a different person. She kept squeezing his hand. She even bit his shoulder when they were getting off the bus.
Plus, if he told her, at the very least she was going to want to go home and change. She was wearing an orange argyle sweater today, way too big, with her silky green tie and baggy painter’s jeans.