I nod. It’s still strange to imagine that the boy I saw that day—the poster child for the anti-deliria cause, the embodiment of correctness—could be even remotely connected to the boy who walks beside me, hair tangled across his forehead like twisted strands of caramel, face ruddy from cold.
This is what amazes me: that people are new every day. That they are never the same. You must always invent them, and they must invent themselves, too.
“You left your glove. And you came in and found me looking at photographs….”
“I remember,” I say. “Surveillance images, right? You told me you were looking for Invalid camps.”
“That was a lie.” Julian shakes his head. “I just—I liked seeing all that openness. That space, you know? But I never imagined—even when I dreamed about the Wilds and the unbordered places—I didn’t think it could really be like this.”
I reach out and take his hand, give it a squeeze. “I knew you were lying,” I say.
Julian’s eyes are pure blue today, a summer color. Sometimes they turn stormy, like the ocean at dawn; other times they are as pale as new sky. I am learning them all. He traces my jaw with one finger. “Lena…”
He’s looking at me so intently, I begin to feel anxious. “What’s wrong?” I say, trying to keep my voice light.
“Nothing.” He reaches for my other hand too. “Nothing’s wrong. I—I want to tell you something.”
Don’t, I want to say, but the word breaks apart in a fizz of laughter, the hysterical feeling I used to get just before tests. He has accidentally smudged a bit of dirt across his cheekbone, and I start to giggle.
“What?” He looks exasperated.
Now that I’ve started laughing, I can’t stop. “Dirt,” I say, and reach out to touch his cheek. “Covered in it.”
“Lena.” He says it with such force, I finally go quiet. “I’m trying to tell you something, okay?”
For a second we stand there in silence, staring at each other. The Wilds are perfectly still for once. It’s as though even the trees are holding their breath. I can see myself reflected in Julian’s eyes—a shadow self, all form, no substance. I wonder what I look like to him.
Julian sucks in a deep breath. Then, all in a rush, he says, “I love you.”
Just as I blurt out, “Don’t say it.”
There’s another beat of silence. Julian looks startled. “What?” he finally says.
I wish I could take the words back. I wish I could say I love you, too. But the words are caught in the cage of my chest. “Julian, you have to know how much I care about you.” I try to touch him, and he jerks backward.
“Don’t,” he says. He looks away from me. The silence stretches long between us. It is growing darker by the minute. The air is textured with gray, like a charcoal drawing that has begun to smudge.
“It’s because of him, isn’t it?” he says at last, clicking his eyes back to mine. “Alex.”
I don’t think Julian has ever said his name.
“No,” I say too forcefully. “It’s not him. There’s nothing between us anymore.”
He shakes his head. I can tell he doesn’t believe me.
“Please,” I say. I reach for him again, and this time he lets me run my hand along his jaw. I crane onto my tiptoes and kiss him once. He doesn’t pull away, but he doesn’t kiss me back, either. “Just give me time.”
Finally he gives in. I take his arms and wind them around my body. He kisses my nose, and then my forehead, then traces his way to my ear with his lips.
“I didn’t know it would be like this,” he says in a whisper. And then: “I’m scared.”
I can feel his heart beating through the layers of our clothing. I don’t know what, exactly, he is referring to—the Wilds, the escape, being with me, loving someone—but I squeeze him tightly, and rest my head on the flat slope of his chest.
“I know,” I say. “I’m scared too.”
Then, from a distance, Raven’s voice echoes through the thin air. “Grub’s on! Eat up or opt out!”
Her voice startles a flock of birds. They go screaming into the sky. The wind picks up, and the Wilds come alive again with rustling and scurrying and creaking: a constant nonsense-babble.
“Come on,” I say, and take Julian back toward the dead house.
Hana
Explosions: a sudden shattering of the sky. First one, then another; then a dozen of them, rapid gunfire sounds, smoke and light and bursts of color against a pale-blue evening sky.
Everyone applauds as the final round of fireworks blooms above the terrace. My ears are ringing, and the smell of smoke makes my nostrils burn, but I clap too.
Fred is officially the mayor of Portland now.
“Hana!” Fred moves toward me, smiling, as cameras light up around him. During the fireworks, as everyone surged onto the terraces of the Harbor Golf and Country Club, we were separated. Now he seizes my hands.