My first day of school went pretty much as I’d expected it would. Everyone stared. I wore my winter uniform even though it was still so hot out because it covered my skin, but it didn’t matter that people couldn’t see my scars. They watched me limp around on my cane and stared at my long-sleeves and tights, knowing exactly who I was and what I was hiding beneath my clothes.
Some people tried to be discreet, or tried not to look, but their eyes drifted back to me anyway. Those were the kids who would force a smile my direction or speak to me out of politeness when they had to. Other kids stared openly, laughed, pointed, and teased me in an attempt to make the kids around them laugh.
No one made an effort to befriend me. No one stuck up for me when I was being teased. Some looked as if they felt bad for me, but were too afraid to intervene. I figured they were probably the kids who had been the target of the bullies until I came to school and took their places. Not even those kids invited me to sit with them at lunch. They were too afraid to be nice to me.
I did my best to ignore it all, but it was going to take time for me to get to the point where it wouldn’t hurt me—if that was even possible.
My stepsisters were absolutely no help to me. I had both of them in at least one class and we all had the same lunch, but as I’d suspected would happen, they’d assumed the pretend-Ella-doesn’t-exist tactic. The only time we spoke the entire day was in the parking lot after school. Anastasia greeted me with a nasty glare as she opened the passenger door of their tiny two-door convertible. “Parking in the handicapped section is so embarrassing.”
Juliette dumped her backpack on the backseat and climbed behind the wheel. “Whatever. It’s the best space in the entire parking lot. It’s so close we’ll be out of here before the real traffic.”
Anastasia scoffed at her sister and pulled the passenger seat forward, gesturing for me to climb into the backseat. Was she kidding? “You know I can’t climb in there, right?”
Anastasia shrugged. “Then walk home. I’m not riding in the back the whole year.”
I closed my eyes against the sudden sting of frustrated tears. This had been an awful day and I just wanted to get home. “I’m not trying to be difficult. I physically can’t climb back there.”
“Ana!” Juliette hissed. “Would you just get in?”
“No. This is our car. We shouldn’t have to be punished because the freak can’t use her legs.”
She’d raised her voice enough to gain the attention of half the kids in the parking lot. If she was truly embarrassed of me, she was definitely handling the situation the wrong way. Juliette obviously thought so, too. She glared at her sister and walked around the car to drop the keys in Anastasia’s hand.
“Thanks,” I mumbled when Juliette climbed into the back and pulled the seat back so that I could sit down.
“Whatever.”
Anastasia looked at us both, then shook her head in disgust. After slipping into the driver’s seat, she gave her hair a flip and glanced at her sister in the rearview mirror. “I can’t believe you just gave her what she wants. Are you going to sit back there every day for the rest of the year?”
“Would you just go, already?” Juliette snapped. “People are staring.”
The ride home was silent, save for the Top 40 pop on the radio. Jennifer was home and waiting to greet us with huge smiles and a million questions. I wanted to go straight to my room and stay there until tomorrow, but my stomach won the battle against my willpower. I hadn’t eaten breakfast or lunch, and I was going to be sick if I didn’t get some food in me.
“How was your first day?” Jennifer asked the three of us as we all wandered into the kitchen.
Deciding she really only cared about her daughters, I let them field the questions and headed straight for the fridge. “It was a nightmare,” Anastasia grumbled behind me. “Mom, she just walked around like a zombie, even though people kept laughing and pointing at her and stuff. It was like she had some nasty disease. She sat down in the cafeteria at lunch, and the kids at her table scattered like cockroaches. The place was packed—like, every seat was taken—but nobody would sit by her. She had the whole table all to herself. It was so embarrassing.”
Unable to hold my temper in anymore, I slammed the fridge shut and turned around. “It was embarrassing for you?”
“Um, duh,” Anastasia sneered. “Everyone knows you live with us. They kept asking us why our stepsister was such a freak all day. It takes you a hundred years to get anywhere, and you wore long-sleeves and tights even though it’s, like, eighty-five degrees outside.”
Juliette scoffed. “What else was she supposed to do? You’ve seen her legs.”
I couldn’t tell if she was defending me or insulting me, but Jennifer seemed to think it was the former because she nodded as if she agreed. “Ana, show a little compassion. How would you feel if you had to walk around school with a limp and look the way she does?”
My jaw dropped. If this was her idea of sticking up for me, I’d rather she didn’t. But she was so clueless I couldn’t even say anything or get angry at her. What would be the point?
Jennifer flashed me her most sympathetic smile. “It’s fine to wear the long-sleeves and tights if they make you more comfortable, Ella.”
Gee, I felt so much better now that I had her approval.
“Oh! That reminds me.” Jennifer’s face lit up with excitement and she pointed a finger at me. “I got something for you while I was out shopping today.”
Both Anastasia and Juliette threw me startled, questioning looks as Jennifer disappeared upstairs to her bedroom, but I just shrugged them off. I had no idea what she was talking about. I grabbed a V8 juice and a string cheese from the fridge and sat down at the counter.
Jennifer was back before I finished my snack, and she had several small bags in her hands. “I’ve been thinking a lot about your scars,” she said as she plopped an ocean of cosmetic products in front of me. “I’m in the modeling business, you know, so beauty and skin care are kind of my forte. I talked to a bunch of my friends, and I got you some creams, oils, and moisturizers that are supposed to really help reduce scarring.”
I wasn’t sure how to react. The gesture was thoughtful in a weird Jennifer way. It was almost sweet, even, until Ana scoffed. “I hate to break it to you, Mom, but no cream is going to fix her.”
I thought the same thing, but it still didn’t feel good to have it pointed out.
Jennifer frowned at Anastasia, and then down at my scarred hand. “Well, obviously it’s not a cure or anything. You have so much scarring that it’s not going to ever really go away, but some of these might help with all the weird blotchy patches and maybe smooth out a lot of the raised bumps. Those are really what stick out so badly. If we could smooth you over and even out the skin tone, your scars might not look so startling.”
Oh my gosh, she thought I was hideous.
“There’s always plastic surgery, too.”
“Plastic surgery?” Did she really think I looked so terrible I needed surgery?
Jennifer, completely missing the horror in my voice, nodded enthusiastically. “Oh, totally. I talked to a doctor friend of mine about you. I showed him some of your medical photos and he said—”
“You talked to someone without asking me?” I gasped. “You showed him my pictures?”
Jennifer flinched, startled by my outburst. “I didn’t want to say anything until I knew if he could help you. I didn’t want to get your hopes up. But, Ella, he said there are definitely things he can do to help you. You won’t always have to look as bad as you do now.”
And that was it. I couldn’t take one more second of this conversation. “I can’t believe you did that.”
“I was just trying to help.”
“By telling me that I’m so ugly it’s startling, and that I need plastic surgery?”
Anastasia choked on a laugh and muttered, “Well, it’s the truth.”
“Anastasia!” Jennifer snapped, horrified. “Don’t you ever say something that rude again.” After glaring at her daughter, she set her frustrated gaze on me. “That’s not fair, Ella. You know that wasn’t what I meant. I just want to help you look better, and if there are things we can do—”
“I’ve had enough surgeries, thanks.”
Jennifer closed her eyes and reached up to rub her temple. It made me feel like a jerk. She was so tactless, but in her own twisted, insensitive way she really was trying to help me. Too exhausted after my nightmarish day to fight with her, I tried to settle down. I slipped off my stool and grabbed the bag of products she’d given me. “I’ll ask my rehab team about this stuff, okay? I have to get permission before I put anything on my skin.”
Jennifer calmed down too, and nodded. As I walked away, she called out to me in a smaller voice. “I really was just trying to help, Ella.”
Ugh. And now I had to feel guilty on top of everything else. I stopped walking and turned to face her. “I know. I’m sorry. I’ve just had a horrible day and I need a break. I’m going to go soak in a bath for a while.”
“Try a little lavender oil in the tub. There’s some in that bag. It’s very soothing for nerves.”
. . . . .
I stayed in the bath until the water turned cold and had a good cry. It wasn’t so much the stares from the other kids or being treated like a pariah that reduced me to tears once I was finally alone—it was more knowing that this was going to be my life from now on. Ana was right; nothing was ever going to fix my limp or my scars. The horrible day I’d had today was going to be on repeat forever.
Eventually, my father knocked on my bedroom door and then poked his head in the room after I answered. “Ella. We’re going out to dinner in fifteen minutes. Can you get ready to—” My eyes must have still shown the evidence of my breakdown, because he blanched and came to sit on the edge of my bed. “Are you okay, honey?”
I didn’t feel like rehashing my day with him, so I shrugged. “Fine. I just don’t really feel up to going to dinner.”
“Of course not, Ella,” Jennifer said, joining us. “You can stay home if you need to.”
My dad glanced back and forth between Jennifer and me a couple of times, and his frown deepened. “No, you can’t,” he said to me. “Sitting here alone tonight isn’t going to make you feel any better. You need to come with us.”
Before I could snap at him, Jennifer placed her hand on his arm and said, “It might be best to let her stay. School didn’t go well. The girls had a tough day, and they’re all a bit emotional right now.”
As if this were the most shocking news ever, my father threw me a startled glance. “Was it really that bad?”
I glared at him. “Of course it was! What did you think it was going to be like?”
While I reached for a tissue, Jennifer leaned closer to my dad and lowered her voice. “It sounded awful, from what Juliette and Anastasia told me. Rich, maybe we should let her stay home and do online school.”
“Yes, please,” Anastasia begged, coming into my room with Juliette, as if I’d called some sort of family powwow.
Juliette nodded in agreement. “I think that would be best for all of us.”
Dad took in all of our expressions and then surprised us all with a furious outburst. “No!”
“But, Rich—”
“No, Jennifer. You know why we can’t do that. This is how her life is going to be from now on. She has to get used to it.”
My empty stomach flopped in my gut. Not that I wanted to be coddled, but there was absolutely no empathy. No acknowledgement of how hard my day must have been for me. No attempt to comfort me in any way.
“You heard what her doctor told us. She has to learn how to interact with people. She can’t isolate herself, or she’ll only get worse.”
“But she’s never going to make any friends,” Jennifer argued. “She’ll be scarred for life.” Jennifer, realizing that I already was scarred for life, cringed. “Emotionally, I mean.”
Her faith in me was astounding. She thought I was every bit the freak her daughters did. That I was so bad I needed surgery, and I’d never have any friends. I can’t say I didn’t worry about the same thing, but as the parental figure she was supposed to at least pretend it was possible. A little optimism from anyone would have been nice.
“Maybe we could find her a special school, for other kids like her,” Jennifer suggested. “They have schools for kids with disabilities. Maybe she’d be happier if she was with her equals.”
My jaw hit the floor. My equals? As if being crippled and scarred somehow made me, and other handicapped kids, lesser people? My lawyer father should have been all over that ignorant, discriminatory comment, but instead he looked at her with interest. “Maybe you’re right. I’ll ask her team about the possibility.”
I was crushed. I knew he’d left me for these people a long time ago, but I still felt betrayed right then. He was my father. He should have been defending me. He should have at least been concerned for my feelings. “Hello!” I screamed. “I’m right here! If you’re going to discuss me like I don’t have a mind or feelings of my own, could you at least do it behind my back?”
Jennifer paled and my father brought his hand up over his eyes, rubbing his temples with his finger and thumb as if his head hurt. “You’re right, Ella. I’m sorry. Why don’t you and I go to dinner tonight and we can discuss this alone?”
“What?” Juliette shouted. “Dad! That’s not fair! We have reservations tonight!”
“I know, sweetheart, but Ella’s had a really bad day. I think we could both use the one-on-one time.”
“We’ve all had a bad day! What about us? Everything’s always about her now! Back-to-school dinner is a family tradition. You can’t forget about your real family just because her life sucks.”
I couldn’t handle one more second of this. “Relax, Juliette. I don’t want to steal your evening.” I was too tired to keep up my anger at my dad. “You don’t have to break tradition for me. Go have your family dinner, or whatever. I’m fine.”
“Ella.” Dad sighed. “You’re coming, too. You’re part of the family.”
I was wrong about being too tired to be mad. Rage bubbled up in me, giving me a second wind. “No. I was part of your family. You left me for this one.”
“Honey, that’s not—”
“Don’t, Dad,” I interrupted before he could start giving me excuses. “We both know that if Mama hadn’t died I’d still be nothing but a distant memory to you, so don’t pretend you care about me.”
For a moment my father looked as though I’d slapped him, and then he lost his patience. “I can’t change the past, Ella! I’m doing the best I can now, and that will just have to be good enough. You had better figure out a way to get over your anger because, like it or not, we are your family now. You’re stuck with us, so suck it up and get in the car.”
I wanted to say no. I wanted to put my foot down and make him have to drag me, kicking and screaming. He’d hurt me for ten years. He didn’t get to walk back into my life and expect to just have my forgiveness. He hadn’t even apologized. But the less fuss I made, the sooner I’d be able to get out of this house.
“Fine, whatever.”
My dad took another deep breath and forced himself to calm down. “Thank you. Hurry and change. We have to leave in ten minutes.”
I frowned down at my jeans and long-sleeve T-shirt. I looked normal enough. “Why do I need to change?”
“Providence is only one of the nicest restaurants in Los Angeles,” Anastasia bragged. “They won’t let you in if you look like a Walmart ad.”
It wasn’t until that moment that I noticed the twins were both dressed to kill. My dad and Jennifer were dressed up, too. Great. My father’s very presence commanded respect, and Jennifer belonged on his arm like the perfect trophy wife. Anastasia and Juliette completed the picture, looking like a couple of pampered heiresses. This family deserved their own reality show.
After Dad ushered everyone out of my room so I could change, I stared into my closet for an eternity, knowing I’d never find anything that would make me fit in with the Colemans. As I slid the hanging clothes from one end of the rack to the other, I came across my mother’s little canary-yellow cocktail dress. Mama and I didn’t get the chance to dress up that often. We were never poor exactly, but we had to watch what we spent, and we had to save up if we wanted to do anything extravagant. One time, though, when I was about thirteen, she’d dated this professional salsa dancer for a few months, and he loved taking her out dancing, so she’d splurged and bought the dress.
I hugged the dress to my face and took a deep breath. It didn’t smell like her anymore, but that didn’t matter. It was my favorite thing of hers that she ever wore. She always looked so beautiful in it. I’d cried with relief when I went though the boxes my dad packed and saw that he’d saved it.
“I miss you so much, Mama,” I whispered. “It’s not fair that I have to do this alone. I need you.”
Before I realized what I was doing, I’d slipped the dress over my head. It fit me so well, it felt like fate. The dress had spaghetti straps and stopped at the knee. The thought of leaving the house with my scars showing made me physically ill, but people were going to stare at me no matter what, so why not take a piece of my mother with me? I was going to need her if I wanted to survive this dinner.
I put on the string of pearls she always wore with the dress and twisted my hair up the same way she used to, then stared at myself in the mirror for a long time. If I ignored the scars, I almost felt like a human being again. I could see my mother staring back at me out of the glass. I looked just like her, except for the eyes.
“I love you, Mama,” I whispered as I grabbed my cane and headed out to face the firing squad.
Slowly, I made my way to the front entryway where everyone was waiting for me. When I came around the corner, they all took one look at me and froze.
“Oh, no. You are not wearing that!” Anastasia cried.
I couldn’t help feeling defensive. I loved this dress. “What’s wrong with it? You’re all wearing dresses.”
“Mom!” Anastasia sent Jennifer a pleading look.
“It’s a beautiful dress, Ella,” Jennifer said quickly. Her voice was so patronizing I may as well have been five years old. “But are you sure you want to wear it?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
Jennifer froze for a moment and then forced a pained smile on her face. “Well, honey, it’s just that it’s…a little revealing.”
That was another slap in the face. I glanced at Anastasia and Juliette and folded my arms across my chest. “It’s longer than either of their dresses, and my cleavage isn’t hanging out for the whole world to see.”
“No, no, I didn’t mean that,” Jennifer backtracked. “I know the dress isn’t inappropriate. That’s not what I meant.”
I was an idiot. I couldn’t believe it took me that long to understand what everyone’s problem was. “You meant you don’t want me to wear the dress because it shows my scars. You’re as embarrassed of me as they are.”
Jennifer shook her head frantically until her eyes filled with tears. She turned her head into my dad’s shoulder, weeping. He threw his arms around her and glared at me over her head. “That is enough, Ellamara. Just because you’re having a hard time doesn’t mean you can walk all over this family’s feelings. You’ve proved your point. Now stop being difficult and just go change your clothes.”
I hadn’t known my heart could break any more than it already had. Even my dad, my own flesh and blood, didn’t want to be seen with me if my scars were showing. “I didn’t put it on to prove some kind of point! This was my mother’s dress. I just wanted to have my family present at this family dinner. I shouldn’t have to change just because you’re too embarrassed to be seen with me. It’s not my fault I disgust all of you.”
My dad cursed under his breath when he realized his mistake. All the blood drained from his face, leaving him pale as a ghost. His voice cracked as he whispered, “Ellamara, I’m sorry. I thought…”
“I know what you thought!” His apology was too little, too late. “You keep telling me that you guys are my family, but you’re not. If my mother had seen me in this dress, she would have hugged me and told me she was proud of me for trying to be brave—not ask me to change my clothes. That’s just sick. She wouldn’t be embarrassed of my scars. She wouldn’t care about them at all because she loved me. She was my family.”
I turned around and headed for my room, wishing more than anything that I could have run there. I wasn’t going anywhere with any of them now. My father really would have to throw me over his shoulder and carry me if he wanted me to leave the house.