CHAPTER 3
Returning to school that September, I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life, after we’d gotten back from Portugal, Sean and I were inseparable. Luckily he was always at our house anyway, all that was different was that now when the band practised, I got a kiss every ten minutes between rehearsals, when Sean came and sat next to me after practise, he would hold my hand, he never stopped paying me attention and I never stopped enjoying it. We were very rarely alone together though, my parents must have drummed it into my brother’s heads that under no circumstances were we to be left by ourselves and it was comical at times, the lengths they’d go to. Even if Marley was going to the toilet, he would send Sean to fetch something, just so we weren’t left alone, even if it was only going to be for five minutes. What could we possibly get up to in five minutes? Well lots it turned out, Sean was a typical sixteen year old boy and he had needs and despite only being fourteen, he stirred something in me that I have to admit, at times, terrified me. I wanted sex, I really wanted to have sex with him, I have no idea if it was raging hormones caused by my age or if it was just him, Sean, what he did to me, what he caused me to feel but I was totally convinced that the feelings I had, meant that I must surely be a whore, a slut but I didn’t care, I just wanted him.
I spoke to Jimmie about all of this but she wasn’t quite getting the passion I felt; she and Marley were turning into more like best friends than boyfriend and girlfriend, there was something going on with her but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what, she never spoke about other boys and she was at our house as much as she always was but things just weren’t happening between her and Marls and it didn’t seem to bother her when he spoke about other girls, or when he kissed other girls like I had seen him do when the band came off stage. My Dad had fixed them up with a transit van so they could get from gig to gig with all their equipment; despite working at one of my Dad’s car showrooms in the day, Lennon was now pretty much managing the boys, he took and arranged all the bookings, managed the money and as the only one amongst us with a full license, he also did all the driving.
It was Christmas eve of 1982 when I finally worked out what was going on with Jimmie; the band were booked at a local pub, it was a ticket only event and was a complete sell out, we arrived early as the place would be filling up by seven and the boys wanted to have a sound check as they’d never played at this venue before and this was probably going to be their biggest crowd yet, over two hundred tickets had been sold according to Len, and the boys wanted to impress. Not that they wouldn’t, they were great and getting better with every show, growing in confidence so much that almost fifty per cent of their songs were originals, written by Marley and Sean mostly, they still did covers, The Clash, The Jam, The Undertones, The Specials being among their favourites as well as some old classics by The Who, Beatles and Kinks, whatever they played, they sounded great and I loved watching Sean up on the stage, especially when his eyes would lock with mine and everyone else would just melt away, me and him, that’s all there was, that’s all that mattered.
The boys were having a run through of their set when I realised I was cold, the hall at the back of the pub was big and the heating hadn’t been put on yet so I went to go back outside to get my jacket, as I walked down the hallway toward the emergency exit at the back of the building where the van was parked, I saw them, Lennon and my best friend Jamie. Kissing like their lives depended on it. I stood and watched for a few seconds, my best friend and my brother and neither of them thought to tell me about it. What about Marley, did he know, is that why they had kept it quiet? This could cause so much trouble between the boys and I wished that I didn’t know about it. I watched as they broke apart but still stared into each other’s eyes, I knew that look, it’s how Sean and I looked at each other, this was more than just a kiss, this was love and I was thoroughly pissed off with the pair of them. As they turned to walk back inside, I walked toward them looking at the ground as if I had seen nothing. Lennon held the door open for me.
“Porge, where you off to?”
“Don’t call me that. I want my jacket out of the van. Is it open?”
He threw me the keys as he and Jimmie walked back inside, she didn’t look me in the eye as she passed and it hurt a little that my best friend had kept this secret from me. She knew everything about me, every look, every thought, every feeling, why wouldn’t she share this with me? He’s my brother. Did she not think I would be interested?
I grab my coat, head back inside and look around for Len, he appears through the swing doors leading from the front of the pub, carrying a tray full of drinks; he put them down on the table next to me and shouted for the boys to come down from the stage. Jim appeared at my side, then Sean, Lennon passed out beers to the boys and gave me and Jimmie a bottle of cider each.
“Here’s to Carnage! A great gig, a very merry Christmas and great things for the coming year – 1983 boys, it’s gonna be our year, I can just feel it. Cheers.”
There were kisses and hugs all round; Jimmie felt stiff and informal when she pulled me into her and I felt awkward. Sean wrapped his arms around me and kissed me like he was never going to let me go.
“Merry Christmas G. Stay close to Lennon tonight, it’s gonna get busy in here and don’t drink too much.”
He kisses my nose and looks over my face. “You okay?”
Tears sting the backs of my eyes for some reason and I feel angry with myself for getting upset so I just nod my head.
“What’s wrong? You look upset.” I shake my head and smile up at him.
“I’m just so proud of you; you sound so great up there, especially the new stuff. 1983 really could be your year you know? Will you still love me when you’re famous and your pictures are all over ‘The Face’ and ‘Smash Hits’?”
He pulls me into him tightly.
“I’ll love you forever G, wherever I am in the world, whatever I’m doing, it will always be you, I’m yours, for as long as you want me, for as long as I’m good for you, I’m all yours.”
“What does that mean? For as long as you’re good for me? What does that mean?”
There’s a hysterical edge to my voice and I hate it. Why would he say that? He looks around the room before looking back down at me.
“I just worry sometimes, I think your Mum and Dad and even your brothers would prefer it if you was with someone who wanted a proper job, who had something more solid planned for when they leave school; music is all I want G, music and you and sometimes I worry that that’s not enough.”
A tear rolls down my cheek, I never knew he felt like this, of course he’s enough, he’s everything.
“I love you Sean, no matter what, I love you, I don’t care about anything or anyone else and you will always be enough, always.”
The boys are all back up on stage and the place has filled up around us while we’ve been talking.
Marley calls out, “Maca put my sister down and get up here!”
He winks down at me and as has become his normal greeting or goodbye, whispers into my ear, “Show us your tits?”
One of these days, I would totally shock him and give him a flash. One of these days very soon.
He leaves with a grin and a kiss to the top of my head. They go down a storm that night, the place is packed and the tunes are tight, Lennon seems to be on cloud nine with their performance and buys Jim and me another drink every time he goes to the bar, by the time the boys take a break, I’m feeling pretty drunk. I watch as Sean steps off the stage and some girl steps in front of him and wraps her arms around his neck, I’ve seen her before, she’s short and blonde with big tits, she’s dressed all slutty in a see through lace top with a red bra underneath and a little ra-ra skirt and ballet pumps, she thinks she’s Madonna. I think she’s a whore who needs to get her hands off my f*cking boyfriend. I watch as she leans in and tries to kiss him, Sean has hold of her by the waist and leans away shaking his head, he looks up and gives me a truly breath taking smile. She follows his gaze, looks me up and down and while he’s still looking at me, she turns and licks his face. I don’t see his reaction to that, everything becomes a blur, I fly across the now almost empty dance floor and grab her by the hair, throwing her to the floor. I don’t know where the anger comes from, the drink, Jimmie and Lennon keeping me in the dark, Sean’s words from earlier about thinking that he’s not enough? I have no idea, but it’s there and it’s not stopping with the hair pulling, I’m on top of her, screaming and punching, I have handfuls of her hair. Then there are hands and arms all over me, voices screaming my name and telling me to stop but I keep lashing out until my arms are pinned to my side and I can’t move. I’m carried to the small room out the back reserved for the band. Lennon and Marley have hold of me, telling me again to calm down, my breathing is ragged and heavy and I feel anger like I’ve never known before, I slap my brother’s hands away from me.
“F*ck off, f*ck off! Did you see? Did you? She f*cking licked him, I’ll f*cking kill the slut!” I try to get up off the table they have sat me on but they hold me down.
“Where is he? Sean… Where is he?” I’m screaming now, beyond hysterical. Lennon slaps me, hard across the face and I stop dead in my tracks for a split second, then I really let lose, I kick him, claw him, bite, slap and punch him.
“Don’t touch me. F*ck off, I saw you, I f*cking saw you. Why didn’t you tell me? She’s my best friend. Why wouldn’t either of you tell me you f*ckers?”
The door flies open as the room turns silent. Sean, he’s here, he’s all I want, the rest can f*ck off.
“Georgia… What the f*ck do you think you’re doing? Why, why did you do that?”
“She licked you.”
I feel quite calm now that Sean’s here. He looks anything but.
“Lots of girls lick me or kiss me or try to. It doesn’t mean anything. There’s hair everywhere out there, you can’t do that G, there’s always gonna be girls, women, fans that do shit like that. You can’t just beat them up.”
What? I shrug my shoulders, more than a little pissed off now that he seems to be taking her side.
“What if that was me? What if someone did that to me, would you just let them? Would you just do nothing?”
“No… of course I wouldn’t but you’re not in a band G.”
“So because you are, I just have to leave it? I just have to stand there like a complete cunt and let girls do that to you?”
“That’s enough George!” Lennon shouts from beside me, him and Marley had been so quiet that I had forgotten they were there.
Sean walks toward me. “It’s just part of it babe. It doesn’t mean anything, it’s just part of what we do, I don’t kiss them back, it doesn’t mean anything but they’re our fans and we have to put on a show. You can’t do that, you just can’t do that.”
He kisses my cheek and my hair and I calm down a little bit, but I’m not sorry, I look up as Jimmie comes flying through the door.
“F*cking hell George, you ripped half the hair out of her head!” I stare at her blankly, it all goes quiet.
“You,” Marley says, I look up, not sure who he’s talking to. It’s Jimmie.
“You and him… ” He gestures with his chin to Len. “All this f*cking time and you’ve been with him!”
“Marl,” Jim, Lennon and Sean all say at the same time.
Sean, Sean knew and didn’t tell me? Marley looks at Sean.
“You knew too? You knew what was going on and didn’t tell me?”
“No… I didn’t know… Not for sure.”
“What does that mean?” Marley and I both ask at the same time.
“I watched them… How, they were with each other. I thought that something was going on, but I didn’t know.”
“Why didn’t you say something?’ Marley asks him.
“No… I wouldn’t do that. What if I was wrong, think of the trouble it might have caused between you two? You’re brothers; I wouldn’t do that to ya’s”
Sean had had a complicated upbringing, his Mum had left his Dad when he was small, she had packed up their things and ran away in the middle of the day with Sean while his Dad was at work, she had taken Sean and left. With Sean’s Dads brother! Sean had never seen his Dad again, he had an idea that his Dad had come looking for them and had gotten pretty close, he had attended three different primary schools and was now at his second secondary school. Part of the reason he spent so much time at our house is because he hated his Step dad come Uncle with a passion, he was seven when his Mum left his Dad and over the years he’d worked out exactly what had gone on and he was angry, angry with his Mum and Uncle, angry with his Dad for not finding him and angry with himself for caring.
Lennon looked around at all of us.
“Look, I’m sorry. We’re sorry, we wanted to tell everyone but we were scared. I’m eighteen; she’s just turned fourteen. It don’t look good, it don’t look right.”
“That’s ‘cos it ain’t.” Marley shouted. “It’s f*cking wrong, she’s a kid, she’s a f*cking kid.”
“I’m not a f*cking kid and I love him. You’re my two best friends, of course I wanted to tell ya’s but we… we were scared. I’m sorry George, I’ve nearly told ya so many times but I was just scared.”
We all stand and look at each other; the boys are due back on stage any minute and haven’t even had a drink yet.
“Well you should have told us. That’s all I’m saying.” I give Jimmie and then Lennon a cuddle. Marley storms out without saying a word.
“F*ck… I need a beer,” Sean states.
“Go, get back on stage, I will bring you one.” Sean brings his eyes down to meet mine.
“Are you gonna behave now G? Can I trust you not to beat up any more of the audience?”
I shrug. “As long as they keep their hands, lips and tongues to themselves… I’ll be fine.”
He shakes his head at me, kisses me hard on the mouth, then says against my temple. “Show us your tits G.”
Lennon and Jimmie have gone to the bar to get the band a drink, we’re in the little back room by ourselves and I don’t hesitate. I let him step away from me, then pull up my Rolling Stones t-shirt and favourite pink bra and flash him my tits as I slide off the table and stand and face him.
“F*ck G. F*cking hell.”
He stands right in front of me, his knees slightly bent, bringing him down lower and looks rapidly between my eyes and my now completely exposed boobs. I watch a nerve twitch on the left side of his jaw and his Adam’s apple moves rapidly as he swallows continuously, he licks his lips. I stand and stare while his hand comes up very slowly. He looks at me, seeking approval, I give the slightest of nods, he cups my boob and brushes his thumb over my nipple.
“O… O Georgia,” he breathes heavily when he speaks, we hear a noise outside the door and I pull my top down rapidly and we step apart.
Billy’s head appears around the door. “C’mon Maca, we’re waiting for ya.”
“F*ck off I’m coming.”
The door slams behind him and Sean and I lock eyes. “Literally G. I’m literally coming in my pants. That was a weeks’ worth of waking material there.”
He pulls me in and kisses me. “I love ya Georgia Rae, come and dance by the stage so I can see your tits bounce, but don’t hit anyone.”
I leave that back room, heading for the stage, with Sean’s arm slung over my shoulder, feeling like the happiest girl on the planet.
That Christmas still rates as one of the happiest of my life; Sean buys me a beautiful silver necklace. It’s a pair of angels wings, joined in the middle with a letter G, I love it and will treasure it forever.
In the February half term of 1983, Sean and I come back from the shops to find my house and the summer house empty; my parents were away in Tenerife, I was allowed to stay home because Marley and Lennon were here, my eldest brother Bailey has moved into a new house in Romford with his girlfriend Donna and they phone every night to make sure I’m home and that there are no wild parties going on. Sean throws himself down on my bed why I put a tape on my portable boom box that I got for Christmas. When I turn around and look at him, he’s leaning back on his elbows, running his tongue along his bottom lip.
“Show us your tits G.”
I put my hands on my hips and look at him for a while. I’m wearing a vintage looking Marlon Brando t-shirt. It’s Marley’s but I love it, because it’s too big I’ve tied it in a knot at my hip and paired it with my jeans and a pair of Dr Martin boots. I like girly clothes but I’m surrounded by boys so I like a lot of what they wear too. I stand facing Sean with my hands at my side and swallow hard, I’ve left my boots at the door so I unbutton my jeans, slide them off my hips and kick them off. Without pausing for breath, I pull my t-shirt over my head and take off my bra; Sean is sitting upright now, his hands gripping the edge of the mattress, his eyes are as wide as saucers. I take two steps toward him and stand between his legs. His eyes slowly make their way up my body and I watch as they move side to side as he looks at each of my breasts, his tongue darts out and over his lips again. He puts his hands on my hips and very slowly slides them up my body, when they get level with my boobs, he cups them in each hand and rubs his thumbs over each of my nipples, he pulls me further toward him and takes the left one in his mouth and sucks it, his eyes looking up at mine all the while. I am shaking so badly, I just hope he can’t feel it as he holds on to me.
“G... What… Are we doing this?” I nod my head, we’ve talked and talked about this, we’ve been there with our hands and I know that I’m ready, I know that there’ll never be any one for me but Sean and I just want to get this first time over with. He’s not a virgin, he was shagging girls those first couple of years we were pretending to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Well he was pretending, I thought it was real, it hurt when he confessed but he swears he hasn’t touched another girl since we spoke to my parents in Portugal and I believe him. He pulls his T-shirt off over his head and I look down over his body; he and Marley have set up a home gym in the summer house and they have been working out almost daily since my Dad bought it for them as a joint Christmas present last year. He looks so much broader than he did last summer and has a line of hairs running down the middle of his chest, a few around his nipples, then all the way down to beneath the waistline of his jeans. He stands up in front of me, undoes his jeans and pulls them off with his boxers and socks, I pull down my knickers and step out of them and once again he looks me up and down.
“You’re beautiful G, so beautiful. Are you sure you’re safe?” I nod my head. Six months ago, Jimmie’s older sister had told us that if we went to the family planning clinic and complained about heavy periods they would put us on the pill, they did and I had been taking it regularly now for the last three months.
“Yes… Are you sure? You’ve never done it… without a condom I mean?” We had been learning about this new disease in our social education classes at school, it was called AIDS and somehow people were catching it from sex, I was fourteen, I didn’t want to die from a sex disease. My brothers would kill me.
We laid down on the bed, side by side, he kissed me from my ankles to the top of my head and out to my fingertips, he reassured me constantly, asked if I was okay continuously and worshiped me endlessly, then after using his fingers on me for a few minutes, Sean climbed on top. All the while continuing to ask if I was sure and assuring me he’d be gentle.
“I love you Georgia Rae Layton… I love you so much… I’m gonna push inside you now… I’ll go very slowly but it might hurt a bit… If it’s too much… If it hurts too much G, tell me and I’ll stop. Okay?”
I nod, I’m shaking from head to toe, adrenalin pumping through my veins, my heart, my body, which is naked and pressed as close as two people can be, against his. He uses his hand to line himself up and then laces our fingers together at the side of our heads and looks deep into my eyes as he slowly nudges his way inside me, there’s no pain at first. I don’t feel anything, other than fear, embarrassment and desire. Then it stings, I wince and he stops.
“You okay babe?” I nod and let out a breath. “Just a little bit more and I’ll be in.”
“You’re not in yet?”
He laughs.
“No G… I’m nowhere near in yet. Are you ready?”
“Yes Sean, will you just shag me please.”
He laughs and shakes his head and kisses my mouth, then looks into my eyes as he slides in… And oh f*ck… In… Ow… And in!
“I’m… F*ck G that feels so nice… I’m in, is it okay if I move?”
I bite down on my bottom lip as he starts to move, and oh does he move, it’s not amazing sex, it’s not really long, drawn out sex but it is sweet, beautiful lovemaking between two kids, that are absolutely one hundred per cent sure that they’ll love each other for the rest of their lives. Half an hour later, we consider ourselves experts and have another go, this time we’re entirely different with each other. By the time we go for round three, I’m brave enough to climb on top and experience my fourth orgasm of the day and all I can think to myself is why did I wait so long?