I shrugged. “I wasn’t going to at first. But now I feel as if I have to. You know, to put it all behind me and move on.”
Maybe I shouldn’t have come back? Was I just making this harder for him?
“Sorry, we should have called first. I didn’t want us to meet like this. I wanted you to know before you saw me. Mum did email Jenna, but your internet’s not been working so obviously you didn’t get it. I’m sorry again, we should have made sure…”
“It’s fine,” he said, laughing and shaking his head at me. I had missed the sound of his laugh too. I could hear it in my head, but the real thing was so much better.
“What?”
“Just haven’t heard you ramble like that since we were little kids.”
I nodded and smiled, relieved. “So what was university like?”
He raised his eyebrows. “You really wanna talk about school?”
Not really, but school was a safe subject. I nodded, wrapping my arms around myself, now feeling the cold.
Cole sighed sharply. “Uni was fine. The course was good. Could have done it anywhere.” I dropped my eyes to the floor. Could have done it in Australia, he meant.
“Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. What’s Australia like?” he asked, changing the subject. The small talk thing was awkward; we were way past that and I could tell he wanted to say something else. There was a million other things I wanted to say.
“Hot.” Beautiful. Tranquil. Safer.
“You’re cold now,” he said, nodding towards the goose bumps that covered my arms. I should have dressed for the English weather better. He pulled his hoodie over his head and handed it to me. I bit my lip and took it. Our fingers brushed against each other’s making my heart skip a beat.
“Yeah, England’s not so hot. Thanks for this,” I said and put it on.
His mouth thinned as his expression turned serious. “Do you know when you have to give evidence?”
“Not for a few weeks yet.”
He nodded once. “You staying at Ali’s?”
I turned my nose up. “Yeah.”
“Lizzie’s still the same then?” he asked, chuckling.
“Yep. She calls me now too, wants all the ‘goss’ on Australia’s ‘hot’ surfers.”
Cole frowned. “Right. Surfers… Wait, can you surf?”
I laughed and shook my head. “I tried once but it didn’t go well. I practically drowned and had to be pulled out of the water. Jasper’s pretty good though. Surprisingly.”
It was strange that he could do it. Jasper could drown in a puddle but ride a wave like a pro!
After a few minutes of awkward silence, Cole said, “You finished school in Australia then?”
“You really wanna talk about school?” I asked, using his words.
His mouth twitched into a smile. “Touché.”
“I did, but I had to stay until I was seventeen.” I had never liked school and having to stay for another year wasn’t ideal. Although I was never bullied in Australia so it wasn’t that bad.
“That’s rough.”
I nodded, chewing on my bottom lip. “Please just say whatever is on your mind, Cole.”
“I honestly don’t know where to start.” He lowered his head, looking hurt. It made my heart ache. I was responsible for that look. “You made the wrong decision.”
I tried to force down the lump rising in my throat. “I did what I thought was the best thing for you. I didn’t want you to have to give up everything.”
He scoffed and shook his head. “But that’s exactly what you did. For fuck’s sake, Oakley! How many times did I tell you how much you mean to me? How much I love you? How you are everything to me? I don’t get how you came to the conclusion that I was better off without you!” Present tense. He said everything in the present tense. Did that mean he still felt it?
“I’m sorry. I thought you’d be fine and that you’d get over us and go to the university you’d always wanted to. I thought you’d find someone else and be happy.” As much him being with someone else would hurt, if he was happy, I could deal with it.
“Well I didn’t. I’m not fine. I’m not over you. There’s no one else, and I’m not happy. I haven’t been properly happy in four years… but thank you for letting me go to university,” he said sarcastically. The snippy tone in his voice broke my heart. I had never heard Cole like that before. I didn’t blame him, but I hated it.
I found it harder to breathe as I replayed his words in my head, even though I was hurt at how he had said it. There was no one else, but he wasn’t happy. I opened my mouth to say something but couldn’t find the words.
“I guess it doesn’t matter to you though. You’ve got your perfect little life half way around the damn world.”
That snapped me out of it. Australia was pretty perfect to me but my life sure as hell wasn’t.