“I don’t know.” Gabe shakes his head, crossing his own arms and looking annoyed at himself, or maybe at me. He’s got his baseball cap on, that handsome face shaded in the gold-purple light. “I wanted to see you. I’m an idiot, but I did.”
“You’re not an idiot,” I say, my voice breaking a little. There’s a cut at the corner of his mouth, his lip a little swollen, the physical damage right there for all the world to see. Something sharp and painful twists inside my chest. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I messed up.”
Gabe shrugs. “You could have told me,” he says, and, God, he sounds so disappointed. “All summer, we’ve been—you could have—I said I loved you, Molly.” He huffs out a frustrated laugh. “And, like, I’m not a lunatic, I know how fast that was, but—”
“Did you, though?” I interrupt suddenly. “I mean, did you actually love me? Or did you just need to beat Patrick at this, too?”
“Molly.” Gabe touches his tongue to the split place on his mouth, looks at something over my shoulder. “Maybe it started that way.”
“That’s gross,” I say immediately, stepping backward, feeling my face go hot and prickly with building tears. “That’s gross, Gabe.”
“You don’t think I know that?” Gabe asks me. “Walking around with a bunch of feelings for my little brother’s girlfriend, like he had one thing I didn’t and I—”
“I’m not a thing!” I burst out, shocked at the unfairness of it. “For fuck’s sake, Gabe, I’m a person, and there were these huge consequences for me, and you just—”
“I know you are,” Gabe interrupts. “Of course I know that. And it might have been about my brother in the beginning, in a way. But the fact is I did, I spent this whole summer falling in love with you, and if you knew this whole time you were never gonna love me back, then—”
“I do love you, though,” I tell him. “That’s the worst part, don’t you get that? I do.” I climb up onto the hood beside him then, the metal warm from sitting in the sun all day. I take a deep breath. “Patrick was the first person I ever loved, but you . . . I’ve spent this summer wondering what it would have been like if I’d been with you from the very beginning,” I tell him honestly.
Gabe sighs. “Me too,” is all he says.
We sit there for a while, watching the sunset. I can hear the crickets beeping in the trees. It’s the end of August now, the world gone heavy and expectant. It doesn’t feel as awkward as it should. “When do you leave?” I ask him finally. “For Indiana?”
“Day after tomorrow,” he says. “I didn’t get the MGH thing. Not that it matters, I guess.” He shrugs. “They say I can reapply for next spring.”
I think of the fantasies I had earlier this summer, the two of us piggybacking through the New England leaves. I’ll miss him, I realize, something like homesickness setting up residence behind my rib cage. “I think you should,” I tell him. “Reapply, I mean.”
Gabe raises his eyebrows, a flicker of interest passing across his handsome face. “You do, huh?”
“Yeah,” I say. “I do.”
Gabe nods slightly like maybe he’ll think about it. Slides off the hood of the car. “Be seeing you, Molly Barlow,” he says softly. Kisses me on the cheek before he goes.
Day 98
The next day is my last shift at the Lodge, everything wrapping up for the season and a walk through the grounds with my replacement, a community college bro named Hal. Penn and the kids get me a memo book as a going-away gift, already filled with half-sensical Penn-flavored notes-to-self like, Watch out for dining-hall meat products and Floss your brain.
“I love you,” I tell her, standing on my tiptoes to squeeze her tight and not realizing how true it is until the words are out of my mouth. The thought of leaving the Lodge makes my chest feel tight, like the band of my bra’s a size too small.
“Love you back, Molly,” Penn promises quietly. She gets both hands on my face and plants a kiss there. “Go do good.”
I smooch Fabian good-bye and turn to Desi, who’s standing in the corner with one thumb shoved thoughtfully in her mouth, watching me with those big dark eyes.
“What do you say, Des?” I ask her, squatting down on the carpet so we’re at eye level. “You wanna tell me bye?”
Desi looks at me solemnly and for one heart-stopping moment I think we’re about to get there, that she’ll finally open her mouth after months and months of silence. I hold my breath and wait for it. She kisses me once and wordlessly on the end of my nose.
*
I’m in my car on the way out of the parking lot before I realize I forgot my last check in the office, and I let out a quiet swear under my breath. I managed to make it all the way to the end of my shift without running into anyone who hates me. The last thing I need is one more screw you for the road.
Instead of driving all the way back around to the employee door, I pull up in front of the main entrance and leave my hazards on—I’ll grab my check and get out of here ASAP, I promise myself, sweaty palms slipping on the brass handle of the Lodge door. After that, I’ll be gone for good.
Shit.
Julia and Elizabeth are all hanging out around the fireplace in the lobby, ankles crossed and fountain sodas sweating in their hands. Penn doesn’t like us to park ourselves here, she says it’s off-putting to guests, but Penn’s long gone for the day and here they both are, folded into the same club chairs Tess, Imogen, and I went to check out a couple of weeks ago. It feels like a lot longer than that. As soon as they spot me they fall completely, abruptly silent, like a record coming to a screeching halt in some old movie.