17
It is vital to foster loyalty in your childe. You will need your childe someday, whether it’s a year or a century from now. A loyal childe will heed the sire’s call no matter where the childe is. A resentful childe will take time to make himself or herself comfortable while he or she enjoys your misfortune.
—Siring for the Stupid:
A Beginner’s Guide to Raising Newborn Vampires
Time is a funny thing. The weeks leading up to the wedding seemed to be moving at fast-forward, what with blowing up a school bus, evicting a dead grandparent, and building relationships with dead grandpas. But somehow, walking down the makeshift aisle we’d constructed on the back lawn of River Oaks seemed to take forever.
For the rehearsal, Daddy was at my elbow, half leading, half dragging me. I’m sure that in his head, he was already compensating for the support I would need, negotiating the grass in my dress. Gabriel was waiting for me, and I just couldn’t seem to get to him fast enough.
Iris was standing near the arbor that would be wrapped in flowers and ribbon while we were sleeping the next day. She was carefully reviewing the ceremony notes with Jolene’s uncle Creed, who performed all marriage rites in the pack as the eldest of the clan and a justice of the peace. Reverend Neel was a good man, but his liberalities only stretched so far. And I found the idea of being married by a notary public sort of depressing. It was a special honor for a werewolf to extend such a gesture of friendship to a vampire, and without Jolene’s intervention, it wouldn’t have happened.
Jolene’s parents were there, along with the aunties who could stomach my presence. I had to find some way to thank them for replicating my dress. And for a werewolf, that means feeding them. All of the nonvampires would be enjoying a big batch of Mama’s homemade lasagna at her house while Gabriel was led to his bachelor-party doom. I think I was supposed to go to my room and pretend to be a virgin for one more night.
Mama couldn’t have been more pleased with Iris’s work, including the arrangement of a slightly more traditional wedding party than Jolene and Zeb had. Andrea was my maid of honor, and Zeb was my best man. Dick was the best man for Gabriel’s side, with Jolene and Jenny in the supporting roles. I tried to get Jamie to serve as ring bearer, but he refused to carry the little pillow. Instead, he was the groomsman in charge of leading Fitz to the bride’s family row and keeping him from chasing squirrels during the ceremony.
After sitting through countless prolonged weddings that left my butt numb and my nerves frayed, I wanted to keep the ceremony itself short and sweet, and Gabriel agreed. I walk up the aisle, we say the vows, we walk down the aisle together. No staring into each other’s eyes while soloists warble that what the world needs now is love, sweet love. No special readings from Corinthians or Shakespeare. And no unity candle. Open flames and veils tend to make vampire brides very nervous.
The good news was that this simplified the rehearsal considerably. And since everybody in the wedding party had been through the process before, they knew where to stand, where to face, and how to hold their flowers. And they knew the special “step-together-step-together” rhythm required to time their aisle walk appropriately to the processional.
If I could just get Uncle Creed to call me Jane instead of Jean, we’d be in business.
Iris considered us sufficiently rehearsed and gave us all our wedding-day itineraries. Mine said, “Show up at sunset, get dressed, relax.”
“I think I love you,” I told her.
She shrugged. “I get that a lot. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go pry your mama off of Uncle Creed before she talks him into an altar call or something.”
She scurried away, clipboard in hand, and Gabriel pressed a kiss to my mouth. “This is your last night as a single woman. What do you plan on doing?”
“Sleeping. Reading. Worrying about you and my childe and how you will be emotionally scarred by the cut-rate strip club Dick drags you to.”
“For your information, we’re not going to a strip club.” Dick sniffed. “We’re going to a casino.”
“How are you going to get Jamie into a casino? He’s underage!”
Dick shook his head. “You don’t want to know.”
“You’re right, I don’t. Just don’t let anything happen to him, OK? Dick, I think it goes without saying that if anything happens to Gabriel to prevent him from making it to the altar tomorrow night, I will hold you responsible. And afterward, grown men will weep when they see what I’ve done to you.”
Dick snorted and kissed my forehead. “And yet you feel the need to say it anyway.”
“It’s a formality.”
Most of the guests had already departed for Mama’s dinner. As the boys loaded themselves into Zeb’s car, I bade Andrea and Jolene good night and kissed the twins. Jenny hugged me tight and promised to slip Mama a Xanax before I could rise the next night. I whistled for Fitz and went upstairs to take off my makeup and change into some sweats. The house was blissfully quiet, especially with Jettie and Mr. Wainwright off to complete some secret wedding-related task. I lay on my bed and closed my eyes, wondering if I was going to be able to sleep a wink that day.
Downstairs, I heard a soft knock on the door. Remembering the still-unidentified remains of Ray McElray, I grabbed a baseball bat from Jamie’s room and crept quietly down the stairs.
“Who is it?”
“Honey, it’s Daddy. Open up.”
I whipped the door open to find him grinning at me.
“Grab your purse, honey.”
“But I’m wearing sweatpants. Where are we going?”
“It’s a surprise, and you’re dressed just fine,” he said, his eyes twinkling as he led me to the car. “Your mama’s letting me off the hook tonight so I can have some special time with my girl before she becomes an old married woman.”
“Watch it,” I warned him as we pulled out of the driveway and into town.
I kept up a constant stream of chatter about my father’s classes, his students, Mama’s compulsive cleaning of the house as she worked through her anxieties over the wedding. Daddy pulled his car toward downtown, onto Main Street, and finally, into the parking lot of the Coffee Spot.
I gasped. The Coffee Spot had been our special place since I was little. Daddy and I would leave early on Saturday mornings under the pretense of running errands, and then we’d camp in a corner booth for most of the day, talking and eating cheese fries. Mama never could figure out how running to the hardware store and the grocery store always ended with Daddy getting Velveeta on his shirt. Of course, those cheese-fry runs got fewer and farther between when I went away to school, and even farther when Mama saw Daddy’s cholesterol results. And they stopped altogether when I went on the liquid diet.
I turned to my father, who grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “We are going to have one last shot at cheese fries.”
“But I can’t eat.”
He grinned. “No, but you can watch me eat. And you can have one of those bottled bloods. I called ahead and asked Marjorie to stock them for you. She misses you, you know.”
I sighed. “I really, really love you, Daddy.”
“Obviously,” he said, his eyes twinkling as we climbed out of the car.
“I’m sorry we haven’t had much time together lately,” I said as we entered the coffee shop.
Marjorie, who had been waiting tables at the Coffee Spot since it opened in 1956, whooped and pulled my face between her worn, bony hands.
“Look at you!” she cried, squeezing my cheeks in a death grip. Her iron-gray hair was coming loose from its top knot as she practically vibrated with excitement. “Oh, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you, Janie! And you’re getting married tomorrow! Look at that ring! I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks, Miss Marjorie.”
“I can’t believe it’s been almost two years since I’ve seen you,” she said as Daddy and I slid into our usual booth, with the cracked green leatherette seats. Marjorie didn’t bother handing us grease-spotted menus. Daddy’s order never changed from cheese fries and a cherry Coke.
“I’m sorry. You tend to spend less time in restaurants when you don’t eat solids.”
“That’s all right, hon. Your daddy told me you like that Faux Type O. I’ll grab one for you and heat it up,” she said. “John, I’ll get your cheese fries going. I’ll be right back.”
Daddy chuckled at my shocked expression. “Marjorie’s always been an energetic gal.”
“What was I saying?”
“You were apologizing for abandoning your father while pursuing silly things like running your own business and maintaining a relationship. Oh, and training my grand-childe to be a good little vampire.”
“I’m sorry, Daddy.”
“Aw, hell, Jane. I’m glad you’re so busy. I worried about you before, when you were working at the library. You always seemed to be waiting for your life to start. I just want to make sure this is the life you wanted. I wouldn’t want you to make a commitment to someone who didn’t make you happy.”
“Dad, are you giving me the Mr. Bennet premarital speech from Pride and Prejudice?”
“Well, you are doing a sort of theme wedding.”
“Nice. Don’t you think it’s a little late in the game for this conversation? Are fathers of the bride supposed to get cold feet?”
“Any man standing on the verge of giving a daughter away has cold feet. When Jenny married Kent, I had to stop myself from throwing her in the back of the car and making a break for Hershey, Pennsylvania. It’s nothing personal against Gabriel. He’s a perfectly nice fella. I’m just saying, I know your mom has put a lot of pressure on you to settle down. I want to make sure you didn’t say yes because you’re afraid of being alone for the rest of eternity.”
“I’m not marrying him because I’m afraid of being alone. I’m marrying him because I don’t want live without him specifically. Because when I think about being without him, I feel sort of dizzy and sick, like I’ve been cut off from the tether that keeps me on the ground. That’s about as flowery and romantic as I’m going to get.”
He smiled, his eyes watering a little. “No, that was just right. Believe it or not, that’s exactly how I feel when I think about losing your mama.”
“That is hard to believe.” I snorted as Marjorie slid piping-hot fries, dripping in gooey orange nondairy cheese food, in front of my father.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do now that you’re all grown up.”
“Daddy, I’m thirty-one years old.”
“Yeah, but I could always come here and depend on you to listen to my stupid stories and humor your old man.”
“Well, you can still do that; you’ll just have an extra pair of ears listening. Gabriel really likes you, you know.”
“I guess I like him, as much as I could like the man who’s making me give away my baby girl,” he said quietly. “I couldn’t hand you over to a man I didn’t think deserved you, Janie.”
“Thank you, Daddy.” I paused, taking a sip of the warmed bottle of blood that Marjorie had dropped off at the table. “Why Hershey, Pennsylvania?”
He shrugged. “Jenny’s wanted to go there since she was a little girl, ever since she heard that the streetlamps are shaped like Hershey’s Kisses.”
“That’s sweet. What was my potential kidnapping destination?”
He reached across the table and squeezed my hand. “Right here.”
I snorted. “Exotic downtown Half-Moon Hollow?”
“Well, you’re a lot stronger than me. I knew I couldn’t overpower you for long.”
My wedding night set clear and warm, with a fingernail moon sliding low over the horizon. Jolene came bounding into my room at sunset, hopping up and down on the bed, bouncing me off onto the floor.
I sat up and glared at her. “Andrea gave you espresso, didn’t she?”
“Nope!” she crowed. “But she showed me how to work the machine!”
“Augh!” I groaned, covering my face with a pillow.
“Come on, Jane, it’s your weddin’ night!” she cried. “Get up! Get excited! Your mama’s already been outside most of the day, helpin’ Iris get everything all set up. It’s just gorgeous out there. Like somethin’ out of one of your movies.”
“Really?” I perked up, carefully retracting the sunproof shade so I could look out over the backyard. I gasped. When I’d gone to bed, it had looked like my backyard on any other night, just with lawn chairs lined up on it. Now it looked positively elegant, with a long ivory aisle runner stretched between the rows of chairs to the arbor, which was covered in fluffy green moss and roses in shades of ivory, lavender, and yellow. Little wildflowers offset the overly formal look of the roses, making it seem as though some helpful soul had just walked through the gardens at River Oaks and picked a few blossoms. The chairs were looped with ivory bows. There were little glass globes with lit candles hanging from the trees and ivory paper lanterns.
On the far side of the yard, I could see tables being set up for the reception. The rental service’s employees were milling around the yard like an army of productive ants, setting up chairs, putting out table linens. Mama was in the middle of it all, conducting the chaos like a virtuoso.
“Where’s Gabriel?” I asked, stretching and checking the clock. We only had an hour before the wedding. With the sun setting so late during the summer, we couldn’t wait too long after dusk, or we’d be entertaining our guests well past their bedtimes. And ours, for that matter.
“You’ll be very proud of them,” Jolene told me as I retrieved my fancy nuptial underwear set from the dresser and ran into the bathroom. She shouted through the bathroom door as I buckled myself into my strapless bra. “The boys came home at a reasonable hour last night, mostly sober. Gabriel and Jamie crashed over at Dick and Andrea’s to give you some space. Oh, and Jamie won twenty-four dollars playing blackjack. He didn’t try to feed on a single human, not once.”
“That’s good news.” I emerged from the bathroom in my robe, because as close as we were, I wasn’t going to hang out with Jolene and Andrea in my underwear for the next hour.
The door burst open, and my sister barreled into the room, wearing her bridesmaid’s dress. “Who’s ready to get married?”
I burst out cackling at the sight of my sister in her “biohazard suit” bridesmaid’s dress. The neckline was off the shoulder, with a wide ruffle of egg-yolk yellow that gathered at the cleavage with a fabric rose, which accented the bodice’s descent into what can only be described as a waist lapel. The whole effect made even my classically beautiful sister look sallow and misshapen. I laughed so hard that I tried to sit on the bed to support my shaking legs, but I missed and ended up in a giggling heap on the floor.
“Oh, good. I see that trademark charm is going to be what sustains us all night.”
“I’m sorry, Jenny, this is all my fault,” Jolene assured her. “I made Jane wear this dress at my wedding, and you’re a victim of the fallout.”
“She’s the victim of fallout, all right.” I giggled. Jenny glared at me. I sniffed and wiped at my eyes. “Sorry.”
“Really?” Jenny asked.
“No. But look, I painted my toenails to match your dresses.” I wiggled my toes in her direction to show her the neon-yellow polish. “Out of solidarity.”
“Doesn’t count,” Jenny insisted. “Your shoes will cover them up. Now, come on and get dressed. Kent and the boys can’t wait to see what kind of outfit a vampire bride wears.”
I sniffed, wiping at my eyes as I rose. I managed to pull myself together, only to have Andrea come in wearing her dress, and I started giggling all over again.
Jolene left to go get dressed, while Jenny and Andrea pulled me in front of the vanity.
“Remember, neutral tones,” Jenny said, dumping a shoulder bag full of cosmetics onto the vanity. “We want a light, smoky eye and a soft coral lip. And let’s try to do something about those dark circles.”
“Hey, that’s not fair. Vampires have dark circles. Andrea has dark circles.”
“Did you see them on my wedding night?” Andrea asked.
“No,” I grumbled.
She preened. “Because I know how to use concealer.”
Mama came bustling into the room with a garment bag over her shoulder and a mug of blood in her hand. Because there just weren’t enough people in the room already. “Hi, sweetie! Are you excited?”
“So excited I may vomit at any moment,” I assured her.
“Oh, you silly.” She chuckled, handing me the mug of warm donor A-positive. “Gabriel said it would be better if you had something substantial in your system, so you’re getting the real stuff today. Use the straw so you don’t mess up your lipstick. And don’t get that anywhere near the dresses! The last thing we need is you girls walking down the aisle looking like extras from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”
She hustled into the bathroom to change into her mother-of-the-bride frock. I stared after her, my mouth hanging open.
“Did Mama just hand me a cup of human blood and then make a joke about a horror movie?” I asked Jenny, who nodded, all astonishment. “Doesn’t the Bible list that as one of the seven signs of the Apocalypse?”
“Well, not in the King James version,” Jenny said.
“Ah!” I cried, dribbling blood back into the mug. “Don’t be clever while I’m drinking. Blood spit-takes are gross!”
Andrea continued to lacquer my face, while Jenny piled my hair on top of my head. A couple of pins, a little hairspray, and I had a perfectly acceptable bun to pin my veil to. Mama came out of the bathroom in a pretty dove-gray suit and heels.
“Well, that’s just beautiful, girls. You did a great job. Now, why don’t you go downstairs and get that present for Jane? I’d like to help her get into her dress.”
My friends were leaving me … alone … with my mother … right before a special occasion. I did not see this ending well for me. Maybe now was the moment to distract them all by revealing the real bridesmaids’ dresses. Surely, they’d suffered enough. But then they all filed out of the room like dutiful little traitors, leaving me to the world’s most awkward birds-and-the-bees talk.
No, they deserved the yellow dresses of shame.
Mama got my wedding dress out of the closet and unzipped the garment bag. “Now, Janie, did you have questions for me about tonight?”
“No, I’m pretty clear on the ceremony stuff, Mama,” I said, stepping out of my robe and into the dress she was very carefully holding open for me. “I know I’ve been kind of a pain about this, but I really do appreciate all the effort you put into the planning.”
“Oh, I know, baby. But I meant questions about later tonight.”
I paused for a moment. Then my jaw dropped.
Mama continued, “It’s just that after a few years, the two of you will get used to each other. And a married woman sometimes has to figure out special, um, efforts to keep her husband’s interest piqued. Since the two of you will be together forever, you’re going to have to work that much harder. So, if you need any advice, I’m here for you.”
I stared at her blankly, unable to draw enough breath to respond.
“You know, if you need any tips—”
“What—what—Why on earth would I come to you for sex tips?” I spluttered.
She shrugged as she zipped the back of my dress. “Well, I’ve been married to your father for more than thirty years, and he’s as happy as a clam—”
“Stop, Mama.”
“Sometimes he likes it when I—”
“Oh, my God, isn’t this a situation where hysterical deafness is called for?”
Jenny came into the room, carrying a little velvet pouch. When she saw the look on my face, she snickered. “Mama tried to give you the ‘wives need to learn special tricks’ lecture, didn’t she?” she asked, desperately trying to repress a smile. (And failing miserably.)
“I am just trying to share some wifely wisdom with you,” Mama said, her hands on her hips. “Smart-asses.”
“You’ve been branded a smart-ass. Welcome to my world,” I told Jenny. She pulled a face and went to the mirror to put on lip gloss.
“Now that you’re done ridiculing your mother,” Mama said, eyeing me sternly, “I’m going to give you your wedding present.” She opened the jeweler’s pouch and pulled out a little sapphire pendant that had belonged to our paternal grandmother, Grandma Pat. She carefully draped it around my neck and clasped it. “Your grandmother gave me this to wear on my wedding day. Jenny wore it on hers. And now you’re wearing it on yours. And since you’re the youngest girl in the family and Jenny doesn’t plan on having any more children, we’d like you to keep it.”
“But what about the boys? When they get married, their wives might want this.” I watched Jenny’s face carefully. The distribution of family heirlooms had been a major issue of contention between us over the years. As in, she actually sued me over a family Bible. But she seemed perfectly fine with the idea of this little piece of family history remaining with me.
“Let’s just wait and see if I like the girls they marry,” she said. “So, that means your dress is new, and the necklace is old and blue. What can you borrow?”
“A time machine so I could go back before Mama’s sex lecture and never have to hear it?”
“Oh, shush!” Mama said, slapping at my shoulder. “Borrow my bracelet.” She unsnapped the thin gold bangle from around her wrist and clipped it around mine. “Ingrates, the both of you.”
“She did the same thing to me on my wedding day, only we were in the church’s changing room, which made it so much worse for some reason,” Jenny said, shuddering.
“You couldn’t have warned me?”
“Where’s the fun in that?”
“I think I liked it better when you two didn’t get along,” Mama muttered.
Jenny and Mama scurried out to check on the groom and company and make sure they were strapped into their tuxes. Jolene and Andrea accompanied them, for the boys’ sake.
I turned to look in the mirror and gasped. I actually looked like a bride. My hair gently framed my face, the chestnut color setting off the pale gray lawn of my veil. My wide, honey-hazel eyes were subtly outlined and winked out from my face like stars. My mouth looked soft and flushed. Andrea and Jenny had outdone themselves.
I stared at the mirror, unable to believe that the elegant, beautiful bride reflected back at me was, in fact, me.
“You look just gorgeous, baby doll.” Aunt Jettie materialized at my side, peering over my shoulder in the mirror. “I am so very happy for you.”
“Thanks, Aunt Jettie. I’m so glad you got to be here today,” I said. “Even if you can’t be in the photos.”
“I love you very much, Jane,” she said, her lip trembling. “I want you to remember that, always.”
“I love you, too, Aunt Jettie. Are you all right?”
“I’m fine,” she said. “I’ve just got a case of the wedding misties. I’m going to go downstairs and see to Gilbert before I blubber ectoplasm all over you.”
She abruptly popped out of view. Frowning, I turned back to the mirror and fiddled with my veil. I wondered exactly how far I would get into the evening before I caught it on something or inadvertently set it on fire.
I heard the door open behind me. I said, “Mama, if you try to gift me with a wifely copy of the Kama Sutra, I will jump out that window.”
I sniffed and immediately caught the scent of woods and tobacco and motor oil. I was overwhelmed with panicked thought bubbles. He had to get the female out of the house. He had to get her out without being noticed. It was pure stupid luck that he’d managed to snag one of the rental-company uniforms; now he just had to knock me out and stuff me into the bag and get out before Gabriel realized that his bride had been snatched.
I turned to find a burly man in dark blue overalls standing in my bedroom. He was holding what looked like a green canvas body bag.
This was not going to end well for my wedding dress.
I sighed. “Hello, Ray.”