chapter 17
Early the next morning, before the sun had even begun to rise—sporting a monster headache—I put on three layers of wool socks, got dressed, poured myself a thermos of coffee, grabbed a granola bar and stuffed them into my book bag, then headed out toward the solitude of the mountain.
I wanted to think, and the unspoiled beauty of nature always helped ground me. I took a path I hadn’t used before, wanting to explore and exert myself.
The day was blistery cold, the smell of snow hung heavy in the air. Stinging slaps of wind buffeted my cheeks; I brushed the hair out of my face and walked.
I hiked with no destination in mind other than to get as far away from camp as I could. I’d toyed with the idea of porting to Rome or the Valley of the Kings in Egypt, my two favorite spots in the world, but it would take too long and I had to call Grace, and hopefully make it to the library at some point today.
I slipped on a loose sheet of gravel and had to latch onto the branch of a pine tree poking up out of a large gray slab of stone.
I curled my lip, wiped the sticky sap off on my pant leg then turned to study the layout of my surroundings. Several clicks to my right perched a rocky outcropping of large, smooth boulders. An ideal place to sit, drink and think. I moved. If I was lucky I might even get there in time to watch the sun rise.
I tightened my hold on my book bag and jogged. Reveling in the wild thrill of feeling muscles bunch and gather, the wind rushing through my ears, my heart beating steadily in my chest and the scent of grass and damp earth all around me. Moments like these helped remind me why living was worth it.
Finally I found the perfect spot. I stopped, threw my bag atop the ten foot boulder—it landed with a heavy thud—and I jumped up, landing with the grace like reflex of a cat. Ten feet is about my jumping limit.
I stretched my arms high above my head and smiled, sucking in air and looked out at the black silhouette of trees and outcroppings on the cusp of dawn.
Vivid streaks of purple and orange slashed through the blue canopy of night. Gray wispy clouds rolled lazily by, bringing with them the promise of snow I’d smelled. Aside from the constant sound of wind, the world was silent. No birds, no bugs, no animals. Only me and the dawn.
Tension drained from my body, leaving me exhausted, but more alert than being confined in my home with nothing but books and music to keep me company. I sat down, pulled my thermos and granola out and ate.
No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about the little girl. What’d happened to her? Why had Billy stopped me from going inside and rescuing her? Was he part of this? Was that why he hadn’t killed me yet? Because his plan was bigger than me?
And speaking of Billy, my stomach dived, how had his kiss broken me from going feral? Not even Luc could drive the demon out of me with a simple kiss.
Butterflies crowded my insides. To call the kiss simple was wrong. It had been heart pounding and primal. I wanted him with a ferocity that was frankly, terrifying.
Something cold and wet touched the tip of my nose. I looked up and saw the first flakes of snow. I held out my hand, watching as one landed and then melted on my palm. Was it really true that each flake was different? Each as unique as a fingerprint?
I don’t know why, but the thought comforted me. If someone went out of their way to take such a simple thing as a snowflake and make it the only one of its kind, then maybe I mattered too.
I sighed, took a final sip of coffee, polished off the bar and then set the thermos and wrapper aside.
The stone I sat on was colder than steel in the morning, but the wool socks were doing the trick, I felt fine. Invigorated even. Maybe I’d start sleeping outdoors for a while.
I laid down, crossed my arms behind my head and closed my eyes. Snow kissed my skin. Imagining that this peaceful moment, and not the death threats, not the craziness of vamps and neph’s and conspiracies, was my life.
I don’t know how long I laid like that, I think I may have even snoozed off for a second, when I heard a twig snap and a gentle voice whisper, “Pandora.”
I opened my eyes, to find Luc sitting next to me, blond hair whipping in the strong breeze. Blue eyes filled with worry. He traced my cheek with his finger, beautiful full lips pulled down in a tight frown. He’d obviously been following me. Made me wonder how long, since last night, this morning?
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
I let him touch me for a second, enjoying the feel of that gentle caress more than I should. I leaned into his hand wishing we could go back to a time when things hadn’t become so complicated. My heart twisted. But nobody can turn back the hands of time.
I sat up, grabbed a barrette out of my pocket, caught my hair into a makeshift ponytail and then pulled my knees to my chest before I answered him.
“I went to the club last night,” I said, resting my chin on my knees.
Luc sat back on his booted heels, looking like he wanted to say more, finally he sighed. “Yeah? And?”
I shook my head. “It’s a fa?ade.”
He frowned. “What? Weren’t there vamps there?”
“Yes. Like a swarm of ants all over the place. But they weren’t doing anything aside from drinking a little blood and partying it up.” I shrugged. “Whatever’s going on, whatever the order thinks might be happening, isn’t going down there. I searched, there was nothing.”
He rubbed his stubbled jaw. “That doesn’t make sense. The order has never screwed up before.”
I twisted my lips, the frustration that had gnawed away at me all night coming sharply back into focus. “I know. But I did see something else.” A picture of the tall man formed in my mind and I shuddered, creeped out as much now as I’d been then.
“What?” he asked, snapping me from my thoughts.
I threw my hands up and growled. “A man walking down the street with a kid. It’s a gut feeling, Luc, but it just felt wrong. What was a man doing with a child at that time of night in that part of town?”
He ground his jaw. “Child molester?”
I wish I could say I detected anger, or even shock in his voice, but I didn’t. There was curiosity and nothing more. And had I not seen that little girl with my own two eyes, I probably would feel like him. When you’re as old as us, nothing shocks us much. We’ve seen it all. A million times and then some. Evil exists. Sad, but true.
“Yeah, maybe.” I shrugged, stomach churning with bitter anger at Billy. “I thought of that too, but I think it might be more than that. He dragged the kid to the back of the club, did some knock and then walked inside. I’m thinking that’s the secret of Sanguinary, not the club itself, but what’s behind it.”
He snarled. “So what, you think the vamps are peddling kids?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose, the pain in my skull beginning to hammer away at my sinuses. “I heard one of the guys say something like Mo and Sac.” I grimaced, and clamped my jaw tight. “I don’t have the first freaking clue.”
“So is that it?” He shook his head. “You didn’t see anything else? Another neph maybe, what about that?”
“No.”
He sighed. “But just because you didn’t see one doesn’t mean it wasn’t there,” he said, mimicking what Grace would say.
I rubbed my forehead. “Where was Vyxyn last night?”
“Here.” His mouth thinned.
“All night?”
“Yeah.” He took a deep breath. “I told Bubba to keep an eye on her, report back to me if he saw her leave her post for anything other than her break. I personally kept an eye out on the rest of the family. We were all here, all night. None of us,” he stressed, “left.”
I frowned. “You didn’t tell Bubba anything, did you?”
Luc gave me a drool expression. “Give me some credit here, Pandora. Besides, don’t just assume it’s her. I know she’s the obvious—”
Now it was my turn to return his stare. “I’m not stupid. I know that. But something’s not right about Vyx. I’ve told you that for years, it would be incredibly stupid of me to overlook her just because she so obviously fits the bill.”
“I think you’re head hunting. I think your bias toward Vyx is screwing with your ability to see anything outside of her,” he snapped. “Grace only said she thought one of us might be responsible, not that we were.”
I gritted my teeth. “I’m not even going to justify that stupidity with an answer. If you don’t know me by now, Luc, than you never will.”
He crossed his arms, a long, bitter silence stretched between us.
I rubbed my cheek. I didn’t want to fight with him. Not today. Seemed like it was all we did anymore. “I’m going back.”
“When?”
“Tonight.” His jaw worked from side to side, I could tell he didn’t like it, didn’t want me going out alone again. I licked my lips and said very softly, “It might be nice if you came with me this time.”
He turned his face to the side, wouldn’t look at me, wouldn’t let me see the truth in his eyes. “No.” The word was low, harsh.
My gut knotted up and I knew why. I knew this man better than I knew myself. This rejection had nothing to do with keeping up appearances—pretending we weren’t looking for a potential rogue inside the family—and everything to do with our past.
“Why?” Anger mixed with hurt. “You can’t or you won’t, Luc, which is it?”
He glared at me, eyes growing darker. “You know why I won’t.”
“No, I don’t,” I snapped, “why don’t you enlighten me?” Luc had no problem sharing my body, touching me, talking to me, using me, so long as our interactions only ever stayed within carnival confines.
“Pandora—”
“No.” I held up my hand to silence him. “Forget I asked. I don’t know what I was thinking. Of course you won’t join me, you never do. Why should Luc ever have to put his body on the line when he’s got Pandora to do the dirty work?” I trembled with rage.
He shot to his feet. “That’s not fair and you know it.”
“No!” I jumped up. “Well what else am I supposed to think when you know very well I can’t take anyone else with me out there? I’m knee deep and you don’t seem to give a crap.”
He pounced on me, grabbed my arms and shook me. “Don’t you ever say that.”
“Why not? It’s true.”
His nostrils flared. “Never speak those words to me again, Pandora.”
I curled my lip and shoved him back; we stared at each other for several tense seconds, the air charged with angry, unspoken words.
Finally I said, “You know what, forget I ever asked.”
I snatched up my belongings and ported, not wanting to be near him another second. But he grabbed a hold of my hand before I’d faded completely, his molecules wrapped around mine and I wound up dragging him with me.
I materialized back in my trailer, threw my items to the ground then whirled on him and screamed. “Just leave me the hell alone. I don’t want to talk about it, this, or you, anymore. Just go away!”
“No.” He stomped after me, grabbing my elbow as I walked through my bedroom door and jerked me back around. “I’m not gonna go away. I think it’s time we talked this out.”
“Why? So you can yet again be an unfeeling, unemotional bastard?” I rolled my eyes. “No thanks.” I slapped his hand off, then threw myself down on the bed face first and squeezed my eyes shut, hoping he’d take the hint and leave me alone. Porting wouldn’t do, he’d follow me again, so I waited, but Luc rarely does what I want him to.
“What’s this?” he asked, holding the ring in his hand as he studied it.
I almost groaned, I should have hidden it. I sat to my knees and snatched it out of his hand. I opened my nightstand drawer and threw it inside, then slammed it shut. “Nothing,” I muttered.
“That didn’t look like nothing. What was that thing, Pandora?”
I refused to answer him. I owed him nothing.
“What. Was. It?” He dropped onto the bed and with each word crawled toward me, forcing me to back up until I was pressed against the headboard and couldn’t move anymore.
I rubbed the bridge of my nose. So much for a peaceful morning. What was happening between us? Granted, things had never been cozy and perfect, but this was ridiculous.
“Grace gave it to me, okay,” I huffed, trying in my own way to extend an olive branch. I didn’t want to fight with Luc, contrary to the events of the past few days. Hell, I preferred being ignored over this any day of the week.
“Is it a weapon?”
Most people would have assumed it was little more than a harmless bauble. Of course Luc wasn’t most people. Sometimes I hated his intuition.
“Yes,” I hissed, not liking where this topic would eventually lead.
“Then why aren’t you wearing it?”
I squeezed my lips shut, anger beginning to rear its ugly head.
“Have you gotten it through your thick skull yet, or are you just stupid? That man, Billy,” he sneered, “is out to kill you. He doesn’t want to bang you, he doesn’t want to buy you roses and whisper sweet nothings to you. He wants to rip your head off and stick it on a pike.” You could have heard a pin drop in the ensuing silence. Every word like a stab through my heart, until I no longer burned with anger, my blood froze with it. “How dare you?”
He gave me a cruel smile of fangs and teeth. “I dare much, especially when it involves something of mine.”
“Get off your bloody high horse,” I snapped, “you had your chance and burned that bridge a long time ago. I’m not yours.” I yanked my shirt up, exposing my scar as if it were a weapon. “I may bear your mark, but it doesn’t make me yours.”
He touched the scar with trembling fingers, anguish written in his gaze for a split second, then it turned hot with rage. “You gonna lord this over me forever?”
“Ha!” I laughed, and the sound of it was wild. “Lord it over you. That’s rich. You nearly killed me,” I screamed. “What did I ever do to you except love you?” I took in a stuttery breath, pulling my shirt down and moving away from him. “Why do you do this to me? Why?” My words trembled, my heart ached.
There was a lengthy pause. “You know why.”
I looked away, hating my weakness. “You should have let me go,” I whispered, swallowing hard. “You should have let me die.”
He gave me a disgusted snarl. “Are you ever gonna let it go? Give me your trust back?”
I laughed bitterly. “Trust...that died in me a long time ago.” I didn’t want to talk about this anymore. I didn’t want to expose myself to him like this ever again.
Even now, even after all this time Luc still couldn’t be honest with me. He spoke in riddles, in complex circles, expecting me to figure everything out. Well, sometimes a woman didn’t want to guess. Sometimes what she needed was to hear those words spoken out loud. I was tired of fighting, of pretending I didn’t feel things when I felt too much.
He always warned me, keep your thoughts in check, hide your emotions. Fine, I got that. But what I could never understand and would never understand was why, even in the privacy of my home, he couldn’t for once, admit he felt things other than anger or hatred? It didn’t make you weak, it made you human. And maybe that was the true great divide between us.
I cupped his cheek. He groaned, leaned into me, then pulled me tight to him. His hands ran down my back, holding me as if he’d never let me go.
I nuzzled his cheek. I couldn’t help it. I wanted the comfort. This was the man I used to love, the man I thought I could never live without. A part of me would always be his. But that part was no longer enough. I needed more than he could give.
“Sometimes,” I whispered, curling my finger through the soft thickness of his hair, “there is such a thing as too much water under the bridge.”
He pulled back and this time he let me see his pain.
I shook my head. “But this has nothing to do with Billy, Luc.”
There wasn’t anger, or even violence, but a bottomless pit of sadness that threatened to steal the breath from my lungs. “It has everything to do with him,” he said, then ported.
I plopped onto my bed, empty and hollow inside, glanced at the drawer holding the ring and wondered was he right? What was I doing where Billy was concerned?
I reached into the neck of my shirt and pulled out the necklace I’d worn to sleep last night and stared at the medallion with an “A” etched in black.
Luc was right, the man was a death bringer. A being that stood against everything I was. A thing, that if given the opportunity would hunt my kind to extinction and still, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Wanting to see him.
The kiss. My lashes fluttered, body growing tight with need, stomach somersaulting with the thought of his lips pressed to my own.
My hand shook as I touched my finger to a mouth that prickled thinking about it. This wasn’t like me. This desperate, urgent need to be with him. Even with Luc it’d been different. I knew I’d loved him, but it’d been deep, sure. Billy was wild, crazy passion that rivaled anything I’ve ever felt even when fully gripped by Lust. I was afraid my obsession—and it was that—would very likely kill me.
It was nothing he did. The guy had stabbed me, contused me and yet I refused to share him with anybody. Grace asked, Luc asked, but I couldn’t. Billy was mine. His violence, his lust, it was mine to keep. Guard. Protect.
I dropped my head into my hands. I needed to call Grace. I needed to find out anything I could about the priests’. If I was thralled I wanted it off before it killed me.
I ported to Kemen’s trailer and knocked.
“Yeah,” he called, voice muffled.
I opened the door and stepped inside. “Kem?”
“Over here.”
I looked to my left, he was on the floor playing a video game, clothes looking like a miniature hill piled around him. He paused his game and glanced up.
“I need to use the phone. Could I?”
“Sure.” He jerked his chin. “It’s in the bedroom on the desk.”
“Thanks.” I headed back, picked up the phone and dialed Grace’s cell.
She picked up on the third ring.
“Aye,” she said, voice harried with exasperation.
“Grace, it’s me.”
“Dora?” I could almost picture her sitting forward with eager anticipation. “What news?”
I told her everything, sans Billy, of course.
“That is worrisome.” She paused and I knew she was biting her bottom lip; it was her habit when thinking.
“Listen.” My mouth felt suddenly dry, my tongue twice its size.
“Aye?” she asked after a minute.
I licked my lips; I really needed to read those files, if she said no I was screwed. I crossed my fingers. “Could I possibly gain access to the orders library?”
I held my breath for what felt like an eternity before she finally said in a hushed tone, “I’m sorry, lass, but I canna do that. No one but the order allowed inside.”
It was like someone had sucker punched me in the gut. What was I going to do now?
“Dora. Dora?” Grace said in agitation, after I’d failed to answer her.
“I’m here.”
She blew out a deep breath. “I can see this is bothering you and I might get flayed alive for doing it, but if you tell me which records you want, I’ll send Mary to get them.”
It wasn’t ideal, I’d wanted to browse the library at my leisure, but this was better than nothing. Relief flooded me. “I need anything you’ve got on the priests and...” I thought about the Gray Man, the desire to find out anything about him was almost more than my desire for Billy, but then I remembered the cold fingers on my neck and the warning to speak of him to no one.
“Was there something else, Pandora?” Grace prompted.
I bit my tongue. It wasn’t worth it. “No. That’s it.”
“You sure?” she pressed, as if sensing I lied, but I shook my head. “That’s it.”
“Okay then, meet me here at ten tonight, before you head to the club. I’ll have it ready for you.”
“Thanks.” We hung up and a heavy burden lifted off me. I dragged my weary body back into Kemen’s living room. He was still playing his shoot ‘em up game.
I sat down next to him, resting my head on his shoulder and sighed.
He looked at me. “Wanna talk about it?”
“Not really.”
“Okay.”
He shut off his game and turned the channel to local news, I listened for a bit, hearing some weather man spout off nonsense about more snow. No really? I could have predicted that. What a moron.
“I didn’t mean to listen, but I heard you mention something about a priest,” he said quietly. I rolled my gaze up to his face. “Is one after you?”
“Kemen.” I patted his thigh. “I’m sorry you heard that, but I really don’t want to talk about this.”
He gave me a soft smile. “I’m sorry, it’s your business. I won’t pry.” He patted his knee. “Wanna lay down?”
“Yes,” I said it in a breathless rush, “oh God, all I wanna do is sleep.” Sleep and forget, at least for a little while.
He leaned back, resting on a pile of clothes and I settled my head against his lap. He played with my hair and just as I was at the point of totally losing myself to the numbing void of oblivion I saw something on the screen that made my heart clench.
It was the face of the little girl, yellow banner under the picture that said: Missing. Then the picture pulled back, replaced by the crying image of a Mom and Dad pleading for their daughter’s safe return.
I buried my face in Kemen’s thighs and cursed the eyes that couldn’t shed tears.