Clockwork Princess (The Infernal Devices, #3 )

chapter 4 To Be Wise and Love

For to be wise and love

Exceeds man's might.

-Shakespeare, Troilus and Cressida

"I thought you'd at least make a song out of it," said Jem.

Will looked at his parabatai curiously. Jem, though he had asked for Will, did not seem in a forthcoming mood. He was sitting quietly on the edge of his bed in a clean shirt and trousers, though the shirt was loose and made him look thinner than ever. There were still flecks of dried blood around his collarbones, a sort of brutal necklace. "Make a song out of what?"

Jem's mouth quirked. "Our defeat of the worm?" he said. "After all those jokes you made ..."

"I have not been in a joking mood, these past few hours," Will said, his eyes flicking to the bloody rags that covered the nightstand by the bed, the bowl half-full of pinkish fluid.

"Don't fuss, Will," Jem said. "Everyone's been fussing over me and I can't abide it; I wanted you because-because you wouldn't. You make me laugh."

Will threw his arms up. "Oh, all right," he said. "How's this?

"Forsooth, I no longer toil in vain,

To prove that demon pox warps the brain.

So though 'tis pity, it's not in vain

That the pox-ridden worm was slain:

For to believe in me, you all must deign."

Jem burst out laughing. "Well, that was awful."

"It was impromptu!"

"Will, there is such a thing as scansion-" Between one moment and the next Jem's laughter turned into a fit of coughing. Will darted forward as Jem doubled up, his thin shoulders heaving. Blood splattered the bed's white coverlet.

"Jem -"

With a hand, Jem gestured toward the box on his nightstand. Will reached for it; the delicately drawn woman on the lid, pouring water from a jug, was intimately familiar to him. He hated the sight of her.

He snapped the box open-and froze. What looked like a light dusting of silvery powdered sugar barely covered the wooden bottom. Perhaps there had been a greater quantity before the Silent Brothers had treated Jem; Will did not know. What he did know was that there should have remained much, much more. "Jem," he said in a strangled voice, "how is this all there is?"

Jem had stopped coughing. There was blood on his lips, and as Will watched, too shocked to move, Jem raised his arm and scrubbed the blood from his face with his sleeve. The linen was instantly scarlet. He looked feverish, his pale skin glowing, though he showed no other outward sign of agitation.

"Will," he said softly.

"Two months ago," Will began, realized his voice was rising, and forced it down again with an effort. "Two months ago I purchased enough yin fen that it should have lasted a year."

There was a mixture of challenge and sadness in Jem's glance. "I have accelerated the process of taking it."

"Accelerated it? By how much?"

Now Jem did not meet his gaze. "I have been taking twice, perhaps three times, as much."

"But the rate at which you take the drug is tied to the deterioration of your health," Will said, and when Jem said nothing back, his voice rose and cracked on a single word: "Why?"

"I do not want to live half a life-"

"At this rate you won't even live a fifth of one!" shouted Will, and he sucked in his breath. Jem's expression had changed, and Will had to slam the box he was holding back onto the nightstand to keep himself from punching the wall.

Jem was sitting up straight, his eyes blazing. "There is more to living than not dying," he said. "Look at the way you live, Will. You burn as bright as a star. I had been taking only enough of the drug to keep me alive but not enough to keep me well. A little extra of the drug before battles, perhaps, to give me energy, but otherwise, a half life, a gray twilight of a life-"

"But you have changed your dosage now? Has this been since the engagement?" Will demanded. "Is this because of Tessa?"

"You cannot blame her for this. This was my decision. She has no knowledge of it."

"She would want you to live, James-"

"I am not going to live!" And Jem was on his feet, his cheeks flushed; it was the angriest, Will thought, that he had ever seen him. "I am not going to live, and I can choose to be as much for her as I can be, to burn as brightly for her as I wish, and for a shorter time, than to burden her with someone only half-alive for a longer time. It is my choice, William, and you cannot make it for me."

"Maybe I can. I have always been the one to buy your yin fen for you-"

The color went in Jem's face. "If you refuse to do it, I will buy it on my own. I have always been willing. You said you wished to be the one who bought it. And as to that-" He pulled the Carstairs family ring from his finger and held it out to Will. "Take it."

Will let his eyes drift down toward it, and then up to Jem's face. A dozen awful things he could say, or do, went through his mind. One did not slough off a persona so quickly, he had found. He had pretended to be cruel for so many years that the pretense was still what he reached for first, as a man might absently turn his carriage toward the home he had lived in for all his life, despite the fact that he had recently moved. "You wish to marry me now?" he said, at last.

"Sell the ring," Jem said. "For the money. I told you, you should not have to pay for my drugs; I paid for yours, once, you know, and I recall the feeling. It was unpleasant."

Will winced, then looked down at the Carstairs family symbol glittering in Jem's pale, scarred palm. He reached out and took his friend's hand gently, closing his fingers over the ring. "When did you become reckless and I cautious? Since when have I had to guard you from yourself? It is always you who has guarded me." His eyes searched Jem's face. "Help me to understand you."

Jem stood very still. Then he said, "In the beginning, when I first realized I loved Tessa, I did think that perhaps love was making me well. I had not had an attack in so long. And when I asked her to marry me, I told her that. That love was healing me. So the first time I was-the first time it happened again, after that, I could not bear to tell her, lest she think it meant a lessening of my love for her. I took more of the drug, to fend off another illness. Soon it was taking more of the drug to simply keep me on my feet than it used to take to keep me going for a week. I don't have years, Will. I might not even have months. And I don't want Tessa to know. Please don't tell her. Not just for her sake but for mine."

Against his own will, almost, Will felt himself understanding; he would have done anything, he thought, told any lie, taken any risk, to make Tessa love him. He would have done-

Almost anything. He would not betray Jem for it. That was the one thing he would not do. And here Jem stood, his hand in Will's, his eyes asking for Will's sympathy, his understanding. And how could Will not understand? He recalled himself in Magnus's drawing room, begging to be sent to the demon realms rather than live another hour, another moment, of a life he could no longer bear.

"So you are dying for love, then," Will said finally, his voice sounding constricted to his own ears.

"Dying a little faster for love. And there are worse things to die for."

Will released Jem's hand; Jem looked from the ring to him, his eyes questioning. "Will-"

"I'll go to Whitechapel," said Will. "Tonight. I will get you all the yin fen there is, everything you could need."

Jem shook his head. "I cannot ask you to do something that goes against your conscience."

"My conscience," Will whispered. "You are my conscience. You have ever been, James Carstairs. I will do this for you, but I will extract one promise first."

"What sort of promise?"

"You asked me years ago to cease looking for a cure for you," Will said. "I want you to release me from that promise. Free me to look, at least. Free me to search."

Jem looked at him with some wonder. "Just when I think I know you perfectly, you surprise me again. Yes, I will free you. Search. Do what you must. I cannot fetter your best intentions; it would only be cruel, and I would do the same for you, were I in your place. You know that, don't you?"

"I know it." Will took a step forward. He put his hands on Jem's shoulders, feeling how sharp they were beneath his grip, the bones like the wings of a bird. "This is not some empty promise, James. Believe me, there is no one who knows more than I do the pain of false hope. I will look. If there is anything to be found, I will find it. But until then-your life is yours to live as you choose."

Incredibly, Jem smiled. "I know that," he said, "but it is gracious of you to remind me."

"I am nothing if not gracious," Will said. His eyes searched Jem's face, that face as familiar to him as his own. "And determined. You will not leave me. Not while I live."

Jem's eyes widened, but he said nothing. There was no more to be said. Will dropped his hands from his parabatai's shoulders and turned toward the door.

Cecily stood where she had stood earlier that day, the knife in her right hand. She sighted along her eye line, then drew the knife back and let it fly. It stuck in the wall, just outside the drawn circle.

Her conversation with Tessa had not relieved her nerves; it had only made them worse. There had been an air of trapped, resigned sadness about Tessa that had made Cecily feel prickly and anxious. As angry as she was at Will, she could not help but feel that Tessa held some fear for him, some dread she would not speak of, in her heart, and Cecily longed to know what it was. How could she protect her brother if she didn't know what he needed protecting from?

After retrieving the knife, she raised it to shoulder level again and let fly. It stuck even farther outside the circle this time, prompting an angry exhale of breath. "Uffern nef!" she muttered in Welsh. Her mother would have been horrified, but then, her mother was not there.

"Five," said a drawling voice from the corridor outside.

Cecily started and turned. There was a shadow in the doorway, a shadow that as it moved forward became Gabriel Lightwood, all tousled brown hair and green eyes as sharp as glass. He was as tall as Will, perhaps taller, and more lanky than his brother. "I don't take your meaning, Mr. Lightwood."

"Your throw," he said with an elegantly outflung arm. "I rate it at five points. Your skill and technique may, perhaps, require work, but the native talent is certainly there. What you require is practice."

"Will has been training me," she said as he drew closer.

The corner of his mouth turned up slightly. "As I said."

"I suppose you could do better."

He paused, and jerked the knife from the wall. It sparked as he twirled it between his fingers. "I could," he said. "I was trained by the best, and I had been training Miss Collins and Miss Gray-"

"I heard. Until you grew bored. Not the commitment one might perhaps look for in a tutor." Cecily kept her voice cool; she remembered Gabriel's touch as he had lifted her to her feet at Lightwood House, but she knew Will disliked him, and the smug distance in his voice grated.

Gabriel touched the tip of his finger to the point of the knife. Blood sprang up in a red bead. He had callused fingers, with a spray of freckles across the backs of his hands. "You changed your gear."

"It was covered in blood and ichor." She glanced at him, her gaze raking him up and down. "I see you have not."

For a moment an odd look flashed across his face. Then it was gone, but she had seen her brother hide emotion enough times to recognize the signs. "None of my clothes are here," he said, "and I do not know where I will be living. I could return to one of the family residences, but-"

"You are considering remaining at the Institute?" Cecily said in surprise, reading it on his face. "What does Charlotte say?"

"She will allow it." Gabriel's face changed briefly, a sudden vulnerability showing where only hardness had shown before. "My brother is here."

"Yes," said Cecily. "So is mine."

Gabriel paused for a moment, almost as if that had not occurred to him. "Will," he said. "You do look very much like him. It is ... unnerving." He shook his head then, as if clearing it of cobwebs. "I just saw your brother," he said. "Pounding down the front steps of the Institute as if the Four Horsemen were chasing him. I don't suppose you'd know what that's about?"

Purpose. Cecily's heart leaped. She seized the knife out of Gabriel's hand, ignoring his startled exclamation. "Not at all," she said, "but I intend to find out."

Just as the City of London seemed to shutter itself as the workday ended, the East End was bursting into life. Will moved through streets lined with stalls selling secondhand clothes and shoes. Rag-and-bone men and knife sharpeners pushed their carts through the byways, shouting their wares in hoarse voices. Butchers lounged in open doorways, their aprons spattered with blood, carcasses hanging in their windows. Women putting out washing called to each other across the streets in voices so tinged with the accent of everyone born within the sound of Bow Bells that they might as well have been speaking Russian, for all that Will could understand them.

A faint drizzle had begun to fall, dampening Will's hair as he crossed in front of a wholesale tobacconist's, closed now, and turned a corner onto a narrower street. He could see the spire of Whitechapel Church in the distance. The shadows gathered in here, the fog thick and soft and smelling of iron and rubbish. A narrow gutter ran down the center of the street, filled with stinking water. Up ahead was a doorway, a gas carriage lamp hanging to either side. As Will was passing, he ducked into it suddenly and thrust out his hand.

There was a cry, and then he was hauling a slim, black-clad figure toward him-Cecily, a velvet cloak thrown on hastily over her gear. Dark hair spilled from the edges of her hood, and his own blue eyes gazed back at him, snapping with fury. "Let go of me!"

"What are you doing following me about the back streets of London, you little idiot?" Will gave her arm a light shake.

Her eyes narrowed. "This morning it was cariad, now it's idiot?"

"These streets are dangerous," Will said. "And you know nothing of them. You are not even using a glamour rune. It is one thing to declare you are not afraid of anything when you live in the country, but this is London."

"I am not afraid of London," Cecily said defiantly.

Will leaned close, almost hissing into her ear. "Fyddai'n wneud unrhyw dda yn ddweud wrthych i fynd adref?"

She laughed. "No, it would not do you any good to tell me to go home. Rwyt ti fy mrawd ac rwy eisiau mynd efo chi."

Will blinked at her words. You are my brother and I want to go with you. It was the sort of thing he was used to hearing Jem say, and though Cecily was unlike Jem in every other conceivable way, she did share one quality with him: an absolute stubbornness. When Cecily said she wanted something, it did not express an idle desire but an iron determination.

"Don't you even care where I'm going?" he said. "What if I were going to Hell?"

"I've always wanted to see Hell," Cecily said calmly. "Doesn't everyone?"

"Most of us spend our time struggling to stay out of it," said Will. "I am going to an ifrit den, if you must know, to purchase drugs from violent, dissolute reprobates. They may clap eyes on you and decide to sell you."

"Wouldn't you stop them?"

"I suppose it would depend on how much they would give me."

She shook her head. "Jem is your parabatai," she said. "He is your brother, given to you by the Clave. But I am your sister by blood. Why will you do anything in the world for him but you only want me to go home?"

"How do you know the drugs are for Jem?"

"I am not a fool, Will."

"No, more's the pity," Will muttered. "Jem-Jem is all the better part of myself. I would not expect you to understand. I owe him this."

"Then what am I?" Cecily asked.

Will exhaled, too exasperated to check himself. "You are my weakness."

"And Tessa is your heart," she said, not angrily but thoughtfully. "Not a fool, as I told you," she added at his startled expression. "I know that you love her."

Will put his hand to his head, as if her words had caused a splitting pain there. "Have you told anyone? You mustn't, Cecily. No one knows, and it must remain that way."

"I would hardly tell anyone."

"No, I suppose you wouldn't, would you?" His voice had gone hard. "You must be ashamed of your brother-harboring illicit feelings for his parabatai's fiancee-"

"I am not ashamed of you, Will. Whatever you feel, you have not acted on it, and I suppose we all want things we cannot have."

"Oh?" Will said. "And what do you want that you cannot have?"

"For you to come home." A strand of black hair was stuck to her cheek by the dampness, making her look as if she had been crying, though Will knew she had not.

"The Institute is my home." Will sighed and leaned his head back against the stone archway. "I cannot stand out here arguing with you all evening, Cecy. If you are determined to follow me into Hell, I cannot stop you."

"Finally, you have seen sense. I knew you would; you are related to me, after all."

Will fought the urge to shake her, again. "Are you ready?"

She nodded, and Will raised his hand to knock on the door.

The door flew open, and Gideon stood on the threshold of his bedroom, blinking as if he had been in a dark place and had just come out into the light. His trousers and shirt were wrinkled, and one of his braces had slid halfway down his arm.

"Mr. Lightwood?" Sophie said, hesitating on the threshold. She was carrying a tray in her hands, loaded with scones and tea, just heavy enough to be uncomfortable. "Bridget told me you had rung for a tray-"

"Yes. Of course, yes. Do come in." As if snapped into full wakefulness, Gideon straightened and ushered her over the threshold. His boots were off, kicked into a corner. The whole room lacked its usual neatness. Gear was strewn over a high-backed chair-Sophie winced inside to think what that would do to the upholstery-a half-eaten apple was on the nightstand, and sprawled in the middle of the bed was Gabriel Lightwood, fast asleep.

He was clearly wearing his brother's clothes, for they were far too short at his wrists and ankles. Asleep he looked younger, the usual tension smoothed from his face. One of his hands clutched a pillow as if for reassurance.

"I couldn't wake him," Gideon said, unconsciously hugging his elbows. "I ought to have brought him back to his own room, but ..." He sighed. "I couldn't bring myself."

"Is he staying?" Sophie asked, setting the tray down on the nightstand. "At the Institute, I mean."

"I-I don't know. I think so. Charlotte told him he was welcome. I think she terrified him." Gideon's mouth quirked slightly.

"Mrs. Branwell?" Sophie bristled, as she always did when she thought her mistress was being criticized. "But she is the gentlest of people!"

"Yes-that is why I think she terrified him. She embraced him and told him that if he remained here, the incident with my father would be put into the past. I am not sure which incident with my father she was referring to," Gideon added dryly. "Most likely the one where Gabriel supported his bid to take over the Institute."

"You don't think she meant the most recent?" Sophie pushed a lock of hair that had come free back under her cap. "With the ..."

"Enormous worm? No, oddly, I don't. It is not in my brother's nature, though, to expect to be forgiven. For anything. He understands only the strictest discipline. He may think Charlotte is trying to play a trick on him, or that she is mad. She showed him to a room he could have, but I think the entire business frightened him. He came to speak to me about it, and fell asleep." Gideon sighed, looking at his brother with a mixture of fondness, exasperation, and sorrow that made Sophie's heart beat in sympathy.

"Your sister ...," she began.

"Oh, Tatiana wouldn't even consider staying here for a moment," Gideon said. "She has fled to the Blackthorns', her in-laws, and good riddance. She is not a stupid girl-in fact, she considers her intelligence to be quite superior-but she is a self-important and vain one, and there is no love lost between her and my brother. And he had been awake for days, mind you. Waiting in that great blasted house, locked out of the library, pounding on the door when no answer came from my father ..."

"You feel protective of him," Sophie observed.

"Of course I do; he is my little brother." He moved toward the bed and brushed a hand over Gabriel's tousled brown hair; the other boy moved and made a restless sound but did not wake.

"I thought he would not forgive you for going against your father," Sophie said. "You had said-that you were frightened of it. That he would consider your actions a betrayal of the Lightwood name."

"I think he has begun to question the Lightwood name. Just as I did, in Madrid." Gideon stepped away from the bed.

Sophie ducked her head. "I am sorry," she said. "Sorry about your father. Whatever anyone said about him, or whatever he might have done, he was your father."

He turned toward her. "But, Sophie-"

She did not correct him for the use of her Christian name. "I know that he did deplorable things," she said. "But you should be allowed to mourn him nonetheless. No one can take your grief from you; it belongs to you, and you alone."

He touched her cheek lightly with the tips of his fingers. "Did you know your name means 'wisdom'? It was very well-given."

Sophie swallowed. "Mr. Lightwood-"

But his fingers had spread out to cup her cheek, and he was bending to kiss her. "Sophie," he breathed, and then their lips found each other, a light touch giving way to a greater pressure as he leaned in. Lightly and delicately she curved her hands-so rough, worn down with washing and carrying, with scraping the grates and dusting and polishing, she fretted, but he didn't seem to be bothered or notice-around his shoulders.

Then she moved closer to him, and the heel of her shoe caught on the carpet, and she was slipping to the floor, Gideon catching at her. They tumbled to the ground together, Sophie's face flaming in embarrassment-dear God, he would think she had pulled him down on purpose, that she was some sort of wanton madwoman intent on passion. Her cap had fallen off, and her dark curls fell over her face. The rug was soft beneath her, and Gideon, above her, was whispering her name with concern. She turned her head aside, her cheeks still burning, and found herself gazing beneath his four-poster bed.

"Mr. Lightwood," she said, raising herself up on her elbows. "Are those scones under your bed?"

Gideon froze, blinking, a rabbit cornered by hounds. "What?"

"There." She pointed to the mounded dark shapes piled beneath the four-poster. "There is a veritable mountain of scones beneath your bed. What on earth?"

Gideon sat up, raking his hands through his tumbled hair as Sophie scrambled back away from him, her skirts rustling around her. "I ..."

"You called for those scones. Nearly every day. You asked for them, Mr. Lightwood. Why would you do that if you didn't want them?"

His cheeks darkened. "It was the only way I could think of to see you. You wouldn't speak to me, wouldn't listen when I tried to talk to you-"

"So you lied?" Seizing up her fallen cap, Sophie rose to her feet. "Do you have any idea how much work I have to do, Mr. Lightwood? Carrying coal and hot water, dusting, polishing, cleaning up after you and the others-and I don't mind or complain, but how dare you make extra work for me, make me drag heavy trays up and down the stairs, just to bring you something you didn't even want?"

Gideon scrambled to his feet, his clothes even more wrinkled now. "Forgive me," he said. "I did not think."

"No," Sophie said, furiously tucking her hair up under her cap. "You lot never do, do you?"

And with that, she stalked from the room, leaving Gideon staring hopelessly after her.

"Nicely done, brother," said Gabriel from the bed, blinking sleepy green eyes at Gideon.

Gideon threw a scone at him.

"Henry." Charlotte moved across the floor of the crypt. The witchlight torches were burning so brightly it looked almost as if it were day, though she knew it was closer to midnight. Henry was hunched over the largest of the great wooden tables scattered about the center of the room. Something or other odious was burning in a beaker on another table, giving off great puffs of lavender smoke. A massive piece of paper, the sort butchers used to wrap their wares in, was spread across Henry's table, and he was covering it with all sorts of mysterious ciphers and calculations, muttering to himself under his breath as he scribbled. "Henry, darling, aren't you exhausted? You've been down here for hours."

Henry started and looked up, pushing the spectacles he wore when he worked up into his gingery hair. "Charlotte!" He seemed astonished, if thrilled, to see her; only Henry, Charlotte thought dryly, would be astonished to see his own wife in their own home. "My angel. What are you doing down here? It's freezing cold. It can't be good for the baby."

Charlotte laughed, but she didn't object when Henry hurried over to her and gave her a gentle hug. Ever since he had found out they were going to have a child, he had been treating her like fine china. He pressed a kiss into the top of her hair now and drew back to study her face. "In fact, you look a little peaked. Perhaps rather than supper you should have Sophie bring you some strengthening beef tea in your room? I shall go and-"

"Henry. We decided not to have supper hours ago-everyone was brought sandwiches in their rooms. Jem is still too ill to eat, and the Lightwood boys too shaken up. And you know how Will is when Jem is unwell. And Tessa, too, of course. Really, the whole house is going all to pieces."

"Sandwiches?" said Henry, who seemed to have seized on this as the substantive part of Charlotte's speech, and was looking wistful.

Charlotte smiled. "There are some for you upstairs, Henry, if you can tear yourself away. I suppose I shouldn't scold you-I've been going through Benedict's journals, and quite fascinating they are-but what are you working on?"

"A portal," said Henry eagerly. "A form of transport. Something that might conceivably whisk a Shadowhunter from one point of the globe to another in a matter of seconds. It was Mortmain's rings that gave me the idea."

Charlotte's eyes were wide. "But Mortmain's rings are assuredly dark magic... ."

"But this is not. Oh, and there is something else. Come. It is for Buford."

Charlotte allowed her husband to take her wrist and draw her across the room. "I have told you a hundred times, Henry, no son of mine will ever be named Buford- By the Angel, is that a cradle?"

Henry beamed. "It is better than a cradle!" he announced, flinging his arm out to indicate the sturdy-looking wooden baby's bed, hung between two poles that it might rock from side to side. Charlotte had to admit to herself it was quite a nice-looking piece of furniture. "It is a self-rocking cradle!"

"A what?" Charlotte asked faintly.

"Watch." Proudly Henry stepped forward and pressed some sort of invisible button. The cradle began to rock gently from side to side.

Charlotte expelled a breath. "That's lovely, darling."

"Don't you like it?" Henry beamed. "There, it's rocking a bit faster now." It was, with a slight jerkiness to the motion that gave Charlotte the feeling that she had been cast adrift on a choppy sea.

"Hm," she said. "Henry, I do have something I wish to speak to you about. Something important."

"More important than our child being rocked gently to sleep each night?"

"The Clave has decided to release Jessamine," Charlotte said. "She is returning to the Institute. In two days."

Henry turned to her with an incredulous look. Behind him the cradle was rocking even faster, like a carriage hurtling ahead at full tilt. "She is coming back here?"

"Henry, she has nowhere else to go."

Henry opened his mouth to reply, but before a word could emerge, there was a terrible ripping sound, and the cradle tore free of its mooring and flew across the room to crash against the farthest wall, where it exploded into splinters.

Charlotte gave a little gasp, her hand rising to cover her mouth. Henry's brow furrowed. "Perhaps with some refinements to the design ..."

"No, Henry," Charlotte said firmly.

"But-"

"Under no circumstances." There were daggers in Charlotte's voice.

Henry sighed. "Very well, dear."

The Infernal Devices are without pity. The Infernal Devices are without regret. The Infernal Devices are without number. The Infernal Devices will never stop coming.

The words written on the wall of Benedict's study echoed in Tessa's head as she sat by Jem's bed, watching him sleep. She was not sure what time it was exactly; certainly it was "in the wee smalls," as Bridget would have said, no doubt past midnight. Jem had been awake when she had come in, just after Will had gone, awake and sitting up and well enough to take some tea and toast, though he'd been more breathless than she would have liked, and paler.

Sophie had come later to clear away the food, and had smiled at Tessa. "Fluff his pillows up," she had suggested in a whisper, and Tessa had done it, though Jem had looked amused at her fussing. Tessa had never had much experience with sickrooms. Taking care of her brother when he'd been drunk was the closest she had come to playing nursemaid. She did not mind it now that it was Jem, did not mind sitting holding his hand while he breathed softly, his eyes half-closed, his eyelashes fluttering against his cheekbones.

"Not very heroic," he said suddenly without opening his eyes, though his voice was steady.

Tessa started, and leaned forward. She had slid her fingers into his earlier, and their linked hands lay beside him on the bed. His fingers were cool in hers, his pulse slow. "What do you mean?"

"Today," he said in a low voice, and coughed. "Collapsing and coughing up blood all over Lightwood House-"

"It only improved the look of the place," said Tessa.

"Now you sound like Will." Jem gave a sleepy smile. "And you're changing the subject, just like he would."

"Of course I am. As if I would ever think any less of you for being ill; you know that I don't. And you were quite heroic today. Though Will was saying earlier," she added, "that heroes all come to bad ends, and he could not imagine why anyone would want to be one anyway."

"Ah." Jem's hand squeezed hers briefly, and then let it go. "Well, Will is looking at it from the hero's viewpoint, isn't he? But as for the rest of us, it's an easy answer."

"Is it?"

"Of course. Heroes endure because we need them. Not for their own sakes."

"You speak of them as though you were not one." She reached to brush the hair from his forehead. He leaned into her touch, his eyes closing. "Jem-have you ever-" She hesitated. "Have you ever thought of ways to prolong your life that are not a cure for the drug?"

At that his eyelids flew open. "What do you mean?"

She thought of Will, on the floor of the attic, choking on holy water. "Becoming a vampire. You would live forever-"

He scrambled upright against the pillows. "Tessa, no. Don't-you can't think that way."

She darted her eyes away from him. "Is the thought of becoming a Downworlder truly so horrible to you?"

"Tessa ..." He exhaled. "I am a Shadowhunter. Nephilim. Like my parents before me. It is the heritage I claim, just as I claim my mother's heritage as part of myself. It does not mean I hate my father. But I honor the gift they gave me, the blood of the Angel, the trust placed in me, the vows I have taken. Nor, I think, would I make a very good vampire. Vampires by and large despise us. Sometimes they Turn a Nephilim, as a joke, but that vampire is scorned by the others. We carry day and the fire of angels in our veins, everything they hate. They would shun me, and the Nephilim would shun me. I would no longer be Will's parabatai, no longer be welcome in the Institute. No, Tessa. I would rather die and be reborn and see the sun again, than live to the end of the world without daylight."

"A Silent Brother, then," she said. "The Codex says that the runes they put upon themselves are powerful enough to arrest their mortality."

"Silent Brothers cannot marry, Tessa." He had lifted his chin. Tessa had known for a long time that beneath Jem's gentleness lay a stubbornness as strong as Will's. She could see it now, steel under silk.

"You know I would rather have you alive and not married to me than-" Her throat closed on the word.

His eyes softened slightly. "The path of Silent Brotherhood is not open to me. With the yin fen in my blood, contaminating it, I cannot survive the runes they must put upon themselves. I would have to cease the drug until it was purged from my system, and that would most likely kill me." He must have seen something in her expression, for he gentled his voice. "And it is not much of a life they have, Silent Brothers, shadows and darkness, silence and-no music." He swallowed. "And besides, I do not wish to live forever."

"I may live forever," Tessa said. The enormity of it was something she could still not quite comprehend. It was as hard to comprehend that your life would never end as it was to comprehend that it would.

"I know," Jem said. "And I am sorry for it, for I think it is a burden no one should have to bear. You know I believe we live again, Tessa. I will return, if not in this body. Souls that love each other are drawn to each other in their next lives. I will see Will, my parents, my uncles, Charlotte and Henry ..."

"But you will not see me." It was not the first time she had thought it, though she often pushed the thought down when it rose. If I am immortal, then I have only this, this one life. I will not turn and change as you do, James. I will not see you in Heaven, or on the banks of the great river, or in whatever life lies beyond this one.

"I see you now." He reached out and put his hand on her cheek, his clear silver-gray eyes searching hers.

"And I see you," she whispered, and he smiled tiredly, closing his eyes. She put her hand over his, her cheek resting in the hollow of his palm. She sat, wordless, his fingers cool against her skin, until his breathing slowed and his fingers went boneless in hers; he had fallen asleep. With a rueful smile she lowered his hand gently so that it rested on the coverlet, by his side.

The bedroom door opened; Tessa turned round in her chair and saw Will standing on the threshold, still in his coat and gloves. One look at his stark, distraught face had her rising to her feet and following Will out into the corridor.

Will was already striding down the corridor with the haste of a man with the devil at his heels. Tessa closed the bedroom door carefully behind her and hurried after him. "What is it, Will? What's happened?"

"I just came back from the East End," Will said. There was pain in his voice, pain she had not heard the likes of since that day in the drawing room when she had told him she was engaged to Jem. "I had gone to look for more yin fen. But there is no more."

Tessa nearly stumbled as they reached the steps. "What do you mean, there's no more? Jem has a supply, does he not?"

Will turned to face her, walking backward down the stairs. "It's gone," he said curtly. "He did not want you to know, but there is no way to hide it. It is gone, and I cannot find more. I have always been the one to buy it. I had suppliers-but they have either vanished or come up empty-handed. I went first to that place-that place where you came and found me, you and Jem, together. They had no yin fen."

"Then another place-"

"I went everywhere," Will said, spinning back around. They emerged into the corridor on the second level of the Institute; the library and the drawing room were here. Both their doors were open, spilling yellow light into the hall. "Everywhere. In the last place I went, someone told me that it had all been deliberately bought up in the last few weeks. There is nothing."

"But Jem," Tessa said, shock buzzing through her like fire. "Without the yin fen ..."

"He'll die." Will paused for a moment in front of the library door; his eyes met hers. "Just this afternoon he gave me permission to seek a cure for him. To search. And now he will die because I cannot keep him alive long enough to find it."

"No," Tessa said. "He will not die; we will not let him."

Will moved into the library, Tessa beside him, his gaze roaming over the familiar room, the lamplit tables, the shelves of old volumes. "There were books," he said, as if she hadn't spoken. "Books I was consulting, volumes about rare poisons." He moved away from her, toward a nearby shelf, his gloved hands running feverishly over the tomes that rested there. "It was years ago, before Jem forbade any more research. I have forgotten-"

Tessa moved to join him, her skirts swishing about her ankles. "Will, stop."

"But I have to remember." He moved to another shelf, and then another, his long, slender body casting an angled shadow across the floor. "I have to find-"

"Will, you can't read every book in the library in time. Stop." She had moved behind him, close enough to see where the collar of his jacket was damp from the rain. "This will not help Jem."

"Then what will? What will?" He reached for another book, stared at it, and threw it to the floor; Tessa jumped.

"Stop," she said again, and caught at his sleeve, turning him to face her. He was flushed, breathless, his arm as tense as iron beneath her grip. "When you searched for the cure before, you did not know what you know now. You did not have the allies you have now. We will go and we will ask Magnus Bane. He has eyes and ears in Downworld; he knows of all kinds of magic. He helped you with your curse; he can help us with this as well."

"There was no curse," said Will, as if he were reciting the lines of a play; his eyes were glassy.

"Will-listen to me. Please. Let us go to Magnus. He can help."

He closed his eyes and drew a deep breath. Tessa stared. She could not help watching him when she knew he could not see her-the fine spidering dark lashes against his cheekbones, the faint blue tint to his eyelids. "Yes," he said finally. "Yes. Of course. Tessa-thank you. I did not think."

"You were grieved," she said, suddenly aware that she was still holding his arm, and that they were close enough that she could have pressed a kiss to his cheek, or wrapped her arms about his neck to comfort him. She stepped back, releasing him. His eyes opened. "And you had thought he would always forbid you from searching for a cure. You know I have never been at peace with that. I had thought of Magnus before."

His eyes searched her face. "But you have never asked him?"

She shook her head. "Jem did not wish it. But now- All is changed now."

"Yes." He drew back from her, his eyes lingering on her face. "I will go down and call Cyril to fetch the carriage. Meet me in the courtyard."

To: Consul Josiah Wayland

From: Members of the Council

Dear Sir,

We can but express our great distress at receiving your letter. It was our impression that Charlotte Branwell was a choice you wholeheartedly embraced, and that she had proven herself a fit leader of the London Institute. Our own Inquisitor Whitelaw speaks highly of her and the manner in which she managed the challenge laid against her authority by Benedict Lightwood.

It is our opinion as a body that George Penhallow is not a fit successor to the place of Consul. Unlike Mrs. Branwell, he has not proven himself as a leader of others. It is true Mrs. Branwell is young and passionate, but the role of Consul is one that requires passion. We urge you to put aside thoughts of Mr. Penhallow, who is too young and green for the position, and take time to consider again the possibility of Mrs. Branwell.

Yours in Raziel's name,

Members of the Council