chapter Twenty
Jake
I didn’t miss alcohol when I was with Emily. I didn’t miss the taste, I didn’t miss the way it dulled my senses. I didn’t need it. Nothing tasted better than her, and the last thing I wanted was my senses dulled. I wanted to feel, see, and experience everything about her. And I don’t just mean with sex. The sex was great—incredible, but it was so much more than that. I had the team and my friends, but I lived for the time I got to spend with her and Noah. If I was being honest with myself, I was falling for him too.
“You have to let me take him trick or treating. You can’t deprive him of the joys of Halloween just because you have to work.” I took a bite of my pizza, enjoying our usual Sunday night tradition. In the beginning, we only saw each other once or twice a week, but before long it became a whole weekend thing. We only had Friday night games, so I’d go back to her place afterward. I always stayed through Monday morning. I was right about my father loving Emily, so he had no issues with me getting in late those days. I owed my friends and family big time for driving me to Wilmington so often, but it was worth it. With my limited license, I could drive to work and school if I didn’t want to walk. At least I didn’t have to get Molly involved in that anymore.
“He’s not even two years old. He doesn’t know what trick or treating is.” Emily ate Noah’s crust. She refused to waste it.
“Okay, so I want to go trick or treating too.”
She laughed. “Now the truth comes out.”
“I won’t take him out long, just in my parents’ neighborhood.”
“It sounds great in theory, but by the time I get there Noah already needs to be in bed.”
“You can both stay over. Or if you want a break, just let me keep him for the night.”
“Where’s he going to sleep? He’s in a bed, but he needs a rail.”
I smiled. I’d been meaning to keep it a secret, but I decided to let the cat out of the bag. “I set up one of those toddler beds in my extra bedroom—you know the one that looks like a race car. I thought it might be nice if you guys could start staying over with me sometimes…” Staying at her place was fine, but I wanted her in my bed too.
“You set up a room for Noah?” Her eyes widened in surprise. I hoped it was the good kind.
“Yeah. I mean we’ve been together two months now, it makes sense.”
“You make it sound like two years.”
I didn’t like the way she avoided my eyes when she said it. “What’s that supposed to mean? Two months is a record for me.”
“Please tell me that’s a joke.”
“You know it isn’t. You know you’re the first girl I’ve been serious with.”
“Serious? You think we’re serious?”
“Aren’t we?”
She looked away again.
“Emily, answer me.”
She looked at Noah who was playing on the floor. She lowered her voice. “He’s getting attached to you.”
“And I’m getting attached to him. What’s the problem?” I wanted to stay calm, but I didn’t like where the conversation was heading.
“What happens when you decide you’re tired of us? When you decide you want a girlfriend without all of this?” She gestured to her and Noah with her hand.
“Is that what you’re worried about? That I’m going to suddenly wake up one day and break up with you?”
“It’s Noah I’m worried about. Maybe he’s spending too much time with you.” She got up from the table and started collecting our plates.
“Hey, Noah, can you give your mom and I a minute?” I knew we couldn’t leave him unsupervised but he’d be fine if we stepped into the kitchen.
She placed the dishes in the sink.
“He’s not spending too much time with me. You’re not either.” I braced myself on the counter behind me.
She crossed her arms. “How do you know that?”
“Because I can’t get enough of either of you, and no matter what you do, the damage is done. Noah and I like each other and that’s not going to change.”
“But what if you do get tired of us?” Once the tears started spilling down her face, I thought I was going to break in two.
“I can’t see the future, Emily, but I know that I’m not going anywhere. I love the man I am around you and Noah. I love the way you make me feel, and I love both of you. Why would I ever give that up?”
“Right now, we’re convenient.”
“Convenient?” I had to keep my anger reined in. If I got mad, Emily would get mad and it would be even worse.
“I don’t mean physically. Obviously, it’s hard to see each other. But be honest with yourself. Would you be with me if you had a car and could date other girls?”
“What?”
“I just mean, do you think it’s a coincidence that you finally decide to have a serious relationship when you can’t just pick up girls all the time?” She looked away again.
I grabbed her hand a little more roughly than I normally would, but she had to stop looking away. “No. It isn’t a coincidence. It’s because I finally met someone worth spending more time with. I don’t get it. What am I supposed to do to convince you that my feelings for you are real? Because if you have an answer, I’d really appreciate it right now.”
“I don’t know.” Her light tears turned into sobbing and I pulled her into my arms.
“What aren’t you telling me? This can’t be just because you’re afraid of me leaving.” I ran my hands over her back. I’d never seen her so upset before.
“I can’t talk about it now.” She didn’t need to say it was because of Noah.
“After he goes to bed?”
“Okay.”
To say the next few hours were torture is an understatement. Emily pulled it together enough to fool Noah, but I could tell she was breaking apart inside. All I wanted to do was make it better, but I understood she needed to keep some things from Noah.
Finally it was seven-thirty, and we put him to bed. I picked the book that night—Goodnight Construction Site.
“Again.” He pointed to the book once I closed it.
Emily shook her head. “No, baby. It’s bedtime.”
His bottom lip fell down, and he got that heartbreaking expression just before he started to wail.
“Come on, buddy. We’ll read it in the morning.” I pulled his blanket up.
“Sleep well, sweetheart.” Emily bent over and kissed his forehead.
I patted his legs through the blanket. “Night, buddy.”
He smiled. Just as we got ready to close the door, I remembered his night light. I was starting to get the whole bedtime routine thing down.
Emily changed into sweat pants to get more comfortable as I waited impatiently on the couch. I held open my arms as she came back into the room. “Come here.”
She went right into my arms and put her head on my chest.
I brushed her hair back from her face. “Are you ready to talk?”
“Yeah.” She didn’t pick up her head, and I was glad. If she wanted to be close, it meant the problem wasn’t me.
“I’m scared.”
“I can tell, but what are you scared of? You can’t be scared of me.”
“No, of course not.” She pressed the palm of her hand right over my heart. “I already told you a little bit about Tim.”
“Noah’s dad.”
“Yes.” She picked her head up and shifted away from me slightly. I didn’t like the distance between us, but maybe she needed it.
“I met him my senior year of high school. My friends and I went to a college party near the Ridgeview campus. He was older, and I thought he was everything I needed in a guy. I didn’t hook up with him that night or anything, but I gave him my number and he called the next day. I knew my parents would kill me for dating a guy in college, so I hid it from them. I dated Tim behind their back for months.” She paused like she was lost in thought.
“He made me feel good, special. I couldn’t believe he’d want to be with me when he could be with so many other girls. He pulled me out of my shell, got me to try new things. I knew he had anger issues, he’d get into fights a lot, but he was always so gentle with me. The one exception was when he broke my best guy friend’s nose because he drove me home from a party. I broke up with Tim for that, or I tried. I changed my mind when Tim broke down, telling me I was the only good thing in his life and that he needed me. I think I liked that. I wanted to be needed.”
Emily sounded so distant as she talked, like she was telling someone else’s story. I wondered if that was how it felt to her.
“He disappeared for a few days. When he suddenly reappeared, he told me he had to leave for basic training. That’s when I found out he’d gotten into some huge bar fight and instead of doing time, he had the option of enlisting in the Army. I thought we were over when he left, even though he insisted he wanted to make it work. I liked him a lot—maybe loved him, but I was okay with us moving apart. I just wanted to enjoy senior year, and the summer before starting nursing school. Things didn’t turn out that way.”
“That’s when you found out you were pregnant.” It was the first time I spoke. I knew what was coming.
“Yeah. I freaked out. How could I tell my parents about it when they didn’t even know I was dating anyone? After talking with my friends, I decided to write Tim a letter. I expected him to flip out. Instead, he came home from training with a ring. He acted like the pregnancy was the best news ever. It was like an answer to my prayers, I wasn’t going to be a single mom. The only catch was that Tim was stationed in Wilmington and we’d have to move.”
She stopped to take a drink of water. “We told my parents and, of course, they didn’t take it well. My dad told me I was making a huge mistake. He told me not to marry Tim. That I should stay home and let them help. I thought the best place for a baby was with both parents. My dad said Tim was trouble—but I didn’t listen.
“I started nursing school, and Tim was deployed to Afghanistan. Noah was born while he was away. A few months later, Tim was gone.” She wiped a tear off her face. I pulled her into my arms.
“I was devastated, but I knew I’d get through it. I had Mel, and Noah was a pretty easy baby. But then everything came crashing down. Out of nowhere, these guys showed up telling me that Tim owed them money. Lots of money. Even the death benefit from the Army couldn’t cover it.”
“What?” I stiffened. This was a part of the story I wasn’t expecting.
“I explained I didn’t know about the debts, but they made it clear that paying them was the best option.” She shivered. I wanted to kill the bastards for threatening her.
“I didn’t have the money. I had virtually no savings, and was already taking out loans for school and childcare. I turned to one of my brother’s friends that I knew could help. I knew this friend wouldn’t tell my parents. I refused to let my dad know he was right, and bringing Tim’s parents into it was out of the question. They would have blamed it on me.”
“Do you still owe this friend money?” I brushed some hair off her face. Her cheeks were damp. I just wanted to make everything better.
“Eight thousand.” She looked down.
“How much was the debt?”
“Over a hundred thousand. The money we got from the government covered most of it, but I had to borrow the rest.”
I tried to contain my anger. Her husband left her with over a hundred grand in gambling debts? “That’s why you worked so much this summer, isn’t it?”
She nodded. “I never should have married Tim. I should have listened to my parents. In a way, this was all my fault.”
“Stop.” I put a finger to her lips. “It’s not your fault.”
“It doesn’t matter either way. I just wish I had the money to go back to school.”
“This friend you borrowed money from, is it a guy?” I couldn’t help but ask.
“Yes. But it’s not like that.”
“What’s his name?” I didn’t want any more surprises. I also knew I’d find a way to pay it off. I wasn’t going to let her feel in debt to anyone.
“Austen.”
“Does he live in Ridgeview?”
“Yes.”
I stroked her back. “Does he know you’re with me?”
“No, but what does that matter?”
“What if he’s trying to take advantage of you, Em?” I didn’t want to hurt her, but she could be really naive and way too trusting. She probably shouldn’t have trusted me.
“He’s a good guy. I saw him when I was home. He told me he was interested, but backed off immediately when he realized I was interested in someone else.”
“Okay. I’m glad you’re telling me all this. I need to know about it.” I was also thrilled she’d picked me over her brother’s friend.
“I wanted to tell you sooner, but I didn’t want you to look down on me.”
“Look down on you? Me? Like I could look down on anyone?” I couldn’t believe she’d worry about that.
“You did something stupid and reckless, but it was one time.” She gripped my shirt in her hand like her life depended on it.
“You think that’s the only stupid thing I’ve done?”
“It isn’t?” She looked up at me. Her face was swollen from crying and all I wanted to do was make it better. Maybe showing her my skeletons would help.
“I played college football for one season.”
She wiped her eyes. “Really? Where?”
“Georgia. Everyone told me to go to UNC, but I wanted SEC, you know?”
“You wanted a more competitive team.”
“Yeah. But, of course that meant I got no playing time. I couldn’t deal, so I drank my anger away.”
“Did you get kicked off the team?” She put her head back down against me.
“Uh huh and that was it for college for me. I came home and suddenly I didn’t want to be the hero anymore. What did it matter if we won state when I was in high school if I couldn’t even hack it in college football?”
She reached over and stroked my cheek. I leaned into her hand. “And the night of the accident, it wasn’t random. I got shit drunk because a girl I used to hook up with decided to tell Ben and Molly about some awful crap I pulled in high school.”
“What did you do?” Her voice was soft.
“I tried to get Ben to cheat on Molly to break them up.”
“Why?” She ran her hands over my t-shirt like she was trying to flatten it out after balling it up so tight.
“Because I was jealous. Pathetic, huh?”
“Not pathetic. Sad, but not pathetic. Did it work?” There was no accusation in her voice, only curiosity.
“Not at all, but a stupid picture I sent was part of why she left town for college.”
“But they’re together now. Isn’t that what matters?” She traced a pattern on my hand. It was her name again.
“I still did it.”
She took my face in her hands. “That’s how I can tell you’re a good man. You care. You really care about it. I think that’s more important than the fact that you did it in the first place.”
“And you say you’re not an optimist?”
She leaned her head on my shoulder. “It looks like we’re two peas in a pod.”
“How do you figure?”
“We’re both broken people looking for a safe place to land. Maybe this time we’ve actually found solid ground.”
I squeezed her hand. “We have.”
“You can take Noah trick or treating.”
I laughed. “I almost forgot that’s where this all began.”
“I didn’t forget. It all started with me getting scared because you mentioned us being serious.”
“You don’t ever have to be scared with me.” I pulled her further onto my lap. I needed her closer.
“That’s impossible. It’s scary to jump into what we’re doing.”
“View it as exciting, not scary. That’s how I see it.” I pushed her sweater off her shoulders, leaving her in just a tank top. I wanted to feel her skin.
“I’ll try.”
“Are you ready for bed?”
“I’m ready to go curl up with you.”
“Me too.” I helped her up, and we moved into her bedroom. If it was possible, I felt even closer to her. I watched her undress, amazed yet again by how beautiful her body was. I was glad she didn’t try to hide herself from me.
She caught me staring. “What?”
“I’m just admiring the view.”
“Very funny.” She pulled a t-shirt over her head.
“It’s not supposed to be a joke.”
“I know.” She joined me on the bed. “I’m glad you’re here.”
“Me too. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”