chapter Fourteen
Emily
“Mama, Mama,” Noah woke me up an hour later.
It took me a second to wake up fully. “Hi, baby.” I stayed in bed for a minute listening to his happy chatter. An hour wasn’t nearly enough sleep. I’d have to make some coffee to survive until Noah’s bedtime.
I picked Noah up out of the crib and carried him back downstairs. He struggled against me so I set him down. He took off and raced into the kitchen.
I heard a couple of voices. I quickly realized the male voice belonged to my brother’s best friend, Austen.
I tensed when I heard Noah scream—until I realized it was actually a happy squeal. I stepped into the kitchen and watched Austen swinging Noah around.
“Hey, Em!” Austen set Noah down and pulled me right into a hug.
“Hi, Austen.”
“You look great.” He turned back to my mom. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. She looks incredible.”
Mom shook her head. “She’s exhausted.”
“It doesn’t show.”
I filled a glass with water from the door of the fridge. “Is there a reason for this flattery?”
“I’m just telling you both the truth.” He went back over to the counter and picked up a cookie.
“How many of those have you had so far?” I tried to sound accusatory, but I ended up smiling.
“It’s only my second.”
I looked to my mom and she held her hand palm up toward him. “He’s telling the truth.”
“I have to keep my figure.” He gestured to his perfectly fit body.
I nudged Austen’s arm before placing my glass by the sink. It always bothered my mother when I left it there, but it seemed silly to put it in the dishwasher when I’d just want more water in an hour.
“What are you up to tonight, Em?” he asked innocently, but I had a feeling that the wrong answer would leave me with an invitation that Mom wouldn’t let me refuse. I just didn’t know what the right answer was.
Mom decided to butt in anyway. “I’m sure she’s free. She didn’t expect to get in this early.”
“I haven’t seen Noah in weeks.”
Mom wasn’t ready to drop it. “He goes to sleep at seven thirty. You might as well go out and have fun.”
“How about it?” Austen smiled. That smile used to make me weak.
“I don’t think I’m up for going out.”
“All right, I get that. How about I come back over tonight after Noah goes to sleep? I’d love to catch up, but I need to get going. I only stopped by when I noticed your car.”
“That sounds lovely. Do you want to join us for dinner?” Mom said in her ‘this isn’t really a question’ voice.
He glanced at me, and must have seen something there. “No. That’s all right. I’ll just come by around eight or so.”
“Great. I’ll walk you out.” Mom glanced at me over her shoulder. She really needed to stay out of things.
Mom returned to the kitchen. “Austen looks great, doesn’t he?”
“As compared to how bad he looked the last time I saw him?”
“All I’m saying is he’s a good looking man.”
“What’s your point, Mom?” I pulled out some coffee beans from the cabinet and poured them in the grinder.
“My point is that he’s good looking and clearly interested.”
“He’s not interested in me. He just wants to catch up.”
“I’d call you innocent, but I think that little boy in the other room makes that impossible.”
“What are you expecting? That Austen will decide he wants to marry a single mom and raise a kid that isn’t his?” I was shocked by the anger in my voice. I was even more shocked when I realized I wasn’t thinking about Austen when I said it.
“You didn’t choose this path, Emily.”
“No, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m a single mom.”
“Austen knows that and doesn’t seem to care. You can’t say that about all men.”
“I know.” I forced myself to push Jake out of my head.
I scooped Noah up again. He pushed a little turtle toy into my face. “Thanks, kiddo. It’s exactly what I wanted.”
Dad didn’t come down for dinner. I wasn’t sure if he’d been doing that since he got sick, or if it was because I was there. I didn’t ask. I helped Noah with his food and then settled down to enjoy mine. Between Jake cooking for me, and then my mom, I felt spoiled.
I played with Noah, read to him, and put him to sleep. I put him in the crib set up in my brother’s room, so I didn’t have to worry about waking him up when I went to bed. I was lucky he was such a good sleeper and rarely woke up at night.
Austen showed up at exactly eight, and my mom conveniently disappeared five minutes later.
“Do you want to sit out on the back porch?” I slipped on some flip flops.
“Yeah, that sounds great.”
“Want something to drink?” I had already pulled a diet Coke out for myself.
“Sure, I’ll have the same as you.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Since when are you drinking diet?”
“First you accuse me of eating all the cookies, and now you don’t think I can drink diet soda? What kind of impression have I made on you all these years?”
I laughed, but it came out as more of a giggle. Austen was the only person who ever made me do that—and he knew it.
He held open the screen door and followed me out. I curled up on one of the worn, floral-pattern couches, pulling my sweatshirt around me. One of the best parts of being in the mountains was that it got cool on summer nights.
“What’s new with you?” He took a seat next to me, instead of on the chair.
“Nothing really.”
“Come on. I need something. How’s work?” Noticing I was cold, he covered my legs with the blanket my mom always left on the back of the couch.
“Busy. I like it, but I’m ready to slow down. It’s been great to make some extra money though.”
“I bet.” He popped open his soda.
“I’ll have the rest of your money back soon. I promise.”
“Em, don’t worry about it.”
“I know you said you didn’t want interest, but I think 4% is fair.”
“Stop it. I don’t need it back.”
“It was a loan, not a gift.”
“Only because you insisted on it.” His eyes pleaded with me to stop fighting him, but I couldn’t. I didn’t believe in taking handouts. “What Tim did to you sucks. I wish I could help more.”
“Please, don’t go there.” I didn’t want to think about the day those men showed up at my door demanding money. I’d had no idea my husband owed thousands in gambling debts.
Austen tapped his fingers on the side of the couch. “What? You think I’m going to lecture you or something?”
“No. I just don’t even want to think about him.”
He leaned back against the cushions. “You did the right thing. I know giving them the money was hard, but at least you could move on with your life. They haven’t been back, have they?”
“No, not a word. I paid them every cent.” I placed a hand on Austen’s arm. “Thank you.”
“I wish I could do more.”
“It’s not your job to. I’m the one who got messed up with Tim in the first place.”
“You like to see the best in people.” Austen turned toward me. I shifted my legs to give him more room, but he trapped them and pulled them onto his lap. “That’s a good trait, but not if you let people hurt you.”
“That’s a nice way of putting it.”
“How else could I?”
“My friend, Mel, says I just like to save people. She claims I like to go for guys who are broken and try to fix them.” It’s true that the few dates I’d been on since Tim had been with guys with their share of problems, but I never tried to save them. I didn’t have the strength.
Austen didn’t say anything for a moment. “You did marry a guy with anger issues…are there more I don’t know about?”
“Is that your way of asking about my recent dating history?” I teased.
“Maybe.” He finished off his soda and set it down on the floor next to him.
“I met a guy, but it’s not going to work out.” I felt a pang in my chest when I thought about Jake. I knew he’d probably have that reaction, but I liked the fantasy that things could work out.
Austen watched me for a minute, probably trying to make sure I wasn’t going to continue on my own. “Why not?”
“He wasn’t too excited when he found out about Noah.”
Austen ran a hand over my legs through the blanket. “He’s an idiot then. Any guy who’d give up the chance to be with you and Noah has to be out of his mind.”
“Or normal. What guy our age wants to date a single mom? It kind of takes the fun out of things.”
“Why? It doesn’t have to.”
“Come on. Would you really want to date someone like me?” I sat up a little.
“No.”
“See.” I tried to pull my legs away.
He gripped them so I couldn’t. “I would love to date you—not someone like you.”
I couldn’t ignore the chills that ran up my spine when he said it. I’d dreamed of those words coming out of his lips for years. Austen’s face wasn’t classically handsome like Jake’s, his features were more rugged, but he was definitely attractive.
“This is when you’re supposed to tell me you’d love to date me too.” He smiled.
“Even if you were being serious, which I don’t actually believe, how could it work? On top of balancing Noah, I’m supposed to do long distance?”
“Let’s deal with the second part of that first. I have a job opportunity in Wilmington. I just need a reason to take it. As to the first part—I’m serious. Completely serious.”
“Austen…”
“Does it really surprise you that much?”
“Yes. Why now?”
“When was it supposed to happen before? Your brother would have killed me if I asked you out in high school. And, well, you didn’t give me any time after you graduated…” He didn’t need to finish that sentence. I was pregnant before the end of senior year.
“Let’s not do this. We both know you don’t want to move to Wilmington, especially since we don’t know if it would work.”
“I already told you I’d do it if I had a reason. Do you really think I’d rather stay in Ridgeview alone? And the only way to find out if it works is to try it.”
“Try it? I’m only here for the weekend.”
“That leaves tomorrow night. I can make a big impression in one night.” He wriggled an eyebrow even though we both knew he wasn’t talking about us having sex.
“I can’t. Not now. It’s not that I don’t like you. I—”
“It’s that guy, right? You’re hung up on him.”
“Maybe.” Dating Austen would feel like a rebound so soon after Jake, and I could never be with Austen in that way. It would have to be all or nothing.
“Okay. Take some time. I’m not rushing this.”
“I don’t expect you to wait around for me.”
“I never said I was going to. But don’t be surprised if I check back in.” He shifted my legs so he could lean in closer to me. “Soon.”
His breath was warm on my face, and I thought he might kiss me, but instead he just kissed my forehead. “Good night, Em.”
“Good night.”
He smiled before walking around front to his car. I leaned back against the couch. I hoped I hadn’t just made a huge mistake.
I waited until I heard his car pull out of the driveway before I went upstairs and took a hot shower. I’d just pulled on a t-shirt to sleep in when I noticed a missed text message on my phone. I reacted like an idiot. Any way you’d give me another chance?
Seeing Jake’s name on the screen brought back memories from the night we spent together. Memories that hurt to think about.
I didn’t respond right away. I finished getting washed up and slipped into bed with a book. I never had time to read anymore, but I needed a distraction.
Finally, when my eyes got heavy, I put my mystery down on the bed stand and picked up my phone. You didn’t react like an idiot. You reacted like most guys would. Don’t beat yourself up about it. I wanted to add more, but I didn’t.
He responded right away, like he was sitting with the phone. How about the second chance?
I wanted to say yes. If I was just thinking of myself I’d say it in a heartbeat, but I had Noah to think about. Could I really get involved with a guy who reacted the way he did? I don’t think so. There are plenty of less complicated girls out there. Have fun.
I don’t want uncomplicated. I want you.
My stomach knotted when I saw the words. Why did it matter so much to me that he wanted me? I want you too, but it’s not just me.
How old is Noah?
I smiled. He remembered his name. Almost two.
He didn’t reply. Instead, my phone rang. I hesitated but decided to pick it up. “Hi, Jake.”
“Hi, Emily. I wanted to hear your voice.”
“I see.” I leaned back against my pillows, enjoying the familiar feel of my childhood bed.
“So almost two…that’s cool.”
I smiled. “Yes, very cool.”
“I like his name. Did you name him after the guy in the bible?”
I laughed. “The guy in the bible? I suppose every Noah is named after him in a way, but that’s not what I was thinking.”
“So you picked it?”
“Yes. His father wanted to name him Ted, but I won.”
“Oh. I like Noah better. I guess you have better taste than his dad.”
“Maybe.” I had a feeling this was Jake’s way of getting me to talk about Noah’s father. I didn’t want to, but holding it back wouldn’t help anything. “Noah’s never met his dad.”
“Oh…that sucks.”
“It does. Tim died in Afghanistan a few months after Noah was born.” I could still remember hearing the news. I felt like I’d been pulled under by a wave. How was I supposed to raise Noah alone? But then another side of me was relieved, and I felt horrible for feeling that way. Austen was right about me liking to see the best in people, because I never accepted that Tim’s anger issues were more than a short temper until I was already pregnant. I didn’t find out about the gambling until after he died.
“Afghanistan? He was in the military?”
“Yes. But before you start calling him a hero—he wasn’t. Or at least not before. He only joined because it was that or jail.”
“Jail? Geez…”
“Yeah. He had a crazy temper.” I was glad we were having this conversation on the phone because it was easier, but I wished I could see Jake’s face. I needed to know how he was reacting. “He got in some bar fight.”
“Oh?”
“All I know is that it had something to do with him smashing a guy’s head through a table.”
“Ouch.”
“Sorry. I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this…”
“No. It’s good. Or not good, but better than I thought.”
“What did you think?”
“I thought maybe his dad was back home and you were always planning to go back to see him. Like you used me or something.”
“Used you? Because girls use you for sex all the time?” I thought about what Mel had said about his reputation. Maybe it wasn’t so far off.
I expected him to laugh but he didn’t. “Ordinarily I wouldn’t have cared, but I do care. I don’t want to be a guy you had a one night stand with.”
“It can’t be more.”
“Why not? You made it sound like you wanted it to be. That note you left sure hinted at it.”
I heard rustling and wondered if he was in bed. I wanted to be in that bed. “I can’t believe I wrote that. I can’t believe I slept with you.”
“I can. I relive it in my dreams.”
“You aren’t ready to deal with someone like me. You have enough to worry about.”
“So this is about me? This isn’t about you?” He sounded defensive. I couldn’t blame him.
“It’s about Noah. It’s about what’s best for him.”
“And it’s bad for him if you date me?” The way he asked made me think he didn’t really want to hear my answer.
I took a deep breath, steadying myself. “I need to make a stable life for him.”
“So you’re just going to stop dating until he’s eighteen?”
“I don’t know.”
“Does he like to watch football?”
“Football? He’s not even two.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s too young. Does he like junk food and crowds?”
I laughed lightly. “Yes, I guess so.”
“If you’re not working Friday, would you guys want to come to Clayton Falls? It’s the first home game I’m coaching.”
“Come to your game? That’s the date you want?”
“I’ll take you both out for ice cream afterward.” I could picture him smiling as he said it.
“Even if you don’t win?”
He laughed. “We’ll win, but either way you two get ice cream.”
I thought about it. Noah might like the game, and I’d get Mel to come. I missed Friday night football games. My brother played and I was at every game. “I’ll think about it.”
“Good. Enjoy the rest of your time at home.”
“I’ll try. Have a good weekend.”
“Whoa. Not so fast. You’ll try? Don’t you like visiting home?”
Great. Why did I have to say that? “Maybe I just miss you.”
He laughed. “I know that’s a complete lie, but I’ll pretend it isn’t. Good night, Emily.”
“Good night, Jake.”
I hung up and replaced the phone beside me. I was far too antsy to sleep. I peeked in at Noah. He was peaceful and sleeping away. I went back to my bed and lay awake. When I finally fell asleep, I dreamed of Jake—again.