What Goes Around

chapter FOUR

Sensitive.

That’s probably the word.

The paramedics would have told the staff and they are sensitive as they come in to the room I’ve been put in. They ask about his history, and if, apart from Viagra, he’s on any medication.

I feel bile in the back of my throat. How would I know?

‘Nothing.’

They’re doing everything they can, they tell me, but his heart has stopped again and they’re having a lot of trouble getting it started. At that moment Luke walks in. He just stands there, his face white like chalk and I’m told a doctor will be in to speak with me shortly.

‘What happened?’

I run a tongue over my lips and I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

‘Lucy?’

I rest my head in my hands – I have too many thoughts to think, let alone speak, and slowly Luke starts to voice a few of them. ‘Do you need to call his family?’

I’m his family.

Charlotte and I are his family.

I don’t say it though.

It’s another thing they don’t tell you when you marry that sexy older guy, that one day you’ll be ringing his daughter, except Eleanor is due to have a baby in a few weeks. We only found out just after Christmas, and she was already five months pregnant by then. ‘Do you know her husband’s number?’ Luke’s so practical, so boring and practical - he just gets things done. ‘He’s the dentist isn’t he? The one doing Charlotte’s braces?’

It’s more complicated than that. This is the Jamesons we’re talking about after all, so it’s always more complicated than that. I’m not supposed to talk about it yet, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to even know that Noel walked out a couple of weeks ago. I don’t tell that to Luke, I don’t really get the chance, he’s going through my phone and he asks to be put through to Noel. He says that it’s a family emergency and Noel must have come to the phone because Luke is explaining the situation and, after a brief conversation, Luke ends the call.

‘He’s going to go home now and tell Eleanor.’ Luke sits down beside me, he goes to take my hand, but he stops when I pull mine away – I don’t want his sudden friendship – he’s not my friend, he’s his friend, and he’s Charlotte’s godfather. I close my eyes as I remember that I should be picking Charlotte up soon – she’s sitting in school and she doesn’t have a clue that her father’s going to die.

And he is going to die.

I know it.

I think he already has.

I think he was gone by the time they put him in the ambulance – I can’t explain that because I don’t believe in God, or a Higher Power, or spirits, or anything, but he’s not here any more, I just know it.

He’s gone.

I’m left.

And I can’t do this on my own.

‘I have to pick Charlotte up.’ Except I’m dressed in a smock and not wearing any underwear and I don’t have my car but I have to be there for her.

‘I’ll ring Jess,’ Luke says. ‘I’ve told her what’s happening and she’s already on her way here. She can pick up Charlotte and bring her here.’

‘Not here.’ I shake my head. ‘Not here.’

I don’t want to do that to her.

I don’t want her to know.

But she has to.

I can’t protect her from this.

‘She’ll need you,’ Luke says.

I know that, so I nod and he rings Jess. I can’t stand how everything is changing – I can’t stand the thought of her face crumpling when she finds out.

I wanted her childhood to be perfect.

I’ve done everything that I can to ensure that it is, but still, it wasn’t enough.

I know that it ends today.

My phone rings as he speaks to Jess, because the world carries on.

Yours stops, yours shifts permanently, yours changes forever, while everything else keeps moving along.

It’s the clinic about my missed Botox appointment.

‘I’m at the hospital,’ I say. ‘My husband…’ I don’t finish, I don’t have to, they apologise, give their best wishes and I hang up.

‘Jess is going to the school now,’ Luke tells me. ‘And she’ll bring her here.’

There’s a long silence and I know what’s coming - he’s always bringing her up, but this time there is no choice, this time it’s me who says her name.

‘Should Gloria be told?’ I’m not just asking him, I’m asking the question to myself. I mean, should she? I look at the little pamphlets they’ve got on display and wonder if there’s an etiquette one, for times like this. I’m sure Dr Patel would have one that would explain what happens in such situations. I mean, who does ring the ex-wife and how much of a priority is she? Do you even call her – would she even want to know? I expect Luke to whip out his phone again, or for him to say that she’s already on her way, but for the first time Luke doesn’t seem sure what to do.

‘I don’t know,’ he admits. ‘Maybe we should wait till Eleanor gets here.’

They’ll all be here soon.

Luke’s like a machine with my phone.

Charlotte, Jess, Eleanor, which means Gloria will be being told – then there’s his mum who’s in her eighties, Luke rang his brother and asked him to tell her. He rang my mum too, insisting that she’d be good for Charlotte.

Please!

I look at the phone ringing again and it’s my neighbour.

I don’t answer.

I don’t want to talk to anyone – except there are so many people to deal with, to inform, to update when I just need a moment to process things.

I don’t get a moment though.

She rings again and I am furious as I answer, she can’t wait to find out, the nosey bitch.

‘Do you need me to pick up Charlotte?’

‘No,’ I shake my head. ‘Her godmother is.’

She doesn’t ask for a progress update.

I forget to thank her as I hang up my phone.

Eleanor arrives and I look around for Noel but she seems to be here on her own. She must be eight months pregnant but she doesn’t look it, she’s a tiny thing, a composed thing, or she usually is but she’s hysterical now. Luke is trying to get her to calm down, to take a few breaths before she rings her mum, but she’s not listening to Luke, she’s staring at me and demanding to know what happened.

I just sit there.

‘What the hell happened, Lucy?’

I don’t know what to tell her, I don’t know what to say, I can’t even remember how to speak and then Eleanor storms off - she wants more information apparently. Well good luck getting it, I think but don’t say - I just sit there and someone comes in and offers me tea.

It looks disgusting.

It’s in a green cup and it’s definitely not Earl Grey. They must have put in half a cup of milk and I take a sip and nearly puke it straight up.

My head is pounding. I press my fingers to my temples and I close my eyes. Charlotte will be here soon and I think I want to pass out. Luke goes to a machine and comes back with a bottle of water and I take a long drink and then go into my bag. I open my little tin that has a needle and thread and safety pins and things. It should have two headache tablets too but, that’s right, I had another headache on Sunday.

Maybe I should ask a nurse for one.

‘Mrs Jameson?’

The door opens and there’s a doctor with a nurse standing behind him and they come in and take a seat. I think it would be rude to interrupt them and ask for a headache tablet right now, I mean, I can hear Eleanor screaming and carrying on outside and I think that they might have something rather important to tell me.

I’m quite sure he’s brilliant; it’s just his English that isn’t.

I’m honestly not sure if he’s being sensitive, or if he simply doesn’t realise it wasn’t me.

‘The medication,’ he says, ‘put a strain on his heart and the lovemaking…’ I just stare at his face as he tells me. ‘All efforts were made, we did everything we could to save your husband…’ There’s a whooshing sound in my ears and now Luke is holding my hand and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or say, I don’t even know how to cry.

My husband is dead and I simply don’t know how to feel.