What Goes Around

chapter THIRTY FOUR

Lucy

I drop Charlotte off at Simone’s for a sleepover and then Jess rings to see if I’m okay and if she and Luke can come over.

I tell her I just want to be alone.

I do.

I head to the supermarket and then I change my mind and head for home.

I think of the cupboards and freezer all groaning.

It’s all waiting for me there too.

I know that I’m going to do it, so I turn around and go back to the supermarket.

I might as well get what I want.

Tomorrow.

I’ll start properly tomorrow.

I mean it.

Just once, I decide.

I haven’t done it in ages and this really is the last time.

Charlotte’s safely out of the way.

I make up a long convoluted story in the chemist’s.

‘My husband is having an IVP tomorrow and I can’t find the tablet, the laxative, that he was told to take.’

What are you doing Lucy? Your husband is dead. Why are you making up a story?

Why don’t I just bung them in my basket?

Why do I have to make things so complicated?

I just do.

My hand closes in relief around the lovely packet.

Then it’s in to the supermarket. I get a trolley and finally I’m shopping for me.

Not for work.

Not for Charlotte.

Not the healthy meals I used to make for him.

I’m shopping for me.

Vanilla ice cream.

A good one this time, not the crap I used to buy when I was home alone with Mum.

Then off to buy Maltesers and Crunchies and Snickers and Flakes. I’ve got Baileys at home.

I add a mud cake to my trolley.

I’ve got the black forest gateaux all cut up and in the freezer and if I pull it out as soon as I get home it will be ready if I need it.

I know that I won’t cook sauces – I won’t have time for that, so I go to the ice cream sauce aisle.

I haven’t been here for years – I mean – not for me.

He caught me once when Charlotte was about six months old. It was the most shameful moment of my life, well, at that time, it was the most shameful moment of my life, and I stopped then.

We’ve never had ice cream in the house since.

But I’m having it now.

I come to this aisle maybe fifty times a day for work but I just sort of zone out, or I try to.

Except I notice.

There are ice cream sauces that you can warm in the microwave now – butterscotch and chocolate. Jess really didn’t need to go to all that trouble.

My trolley is groaning but, so that the check out lady thinks I’m having a party, and not about to go on a bender, I add candles too.

‘Having a party?’ she says as she slides my purchases through.

Perfect!

I mash the Snickers and Crunchies and stir in the Maltesers and I break up the mud cake. I don’t use gloves as I stir it in but I’ve forgotten the Baileys. I go and get it and see my smeary hand print on the sideboard and I’ll wipe it off later. I put it into the biggest bowl and then I shove it in the freezer and I just have to wait.

But I can’t.

Just wait Lucy.

I swallow a handful of laxatives and then a few more to be sure.

I can see the answer machine flashing as I wipe down the benches and I remember my mobile was ringing as I mixed the ice cream too but I ignore it.

There’s no way I can have a conversation now.

I forgot cream!

Shit! I like cream with my ice cream and I’m just about out to head out when the doorbell rings.

I ignore it.

Then I hear the key in the door and for a second I think it’s him coming home, that he’s going to catch me again.

‘Charlotte?’

‘Sorry to startle you,’ Simone smiles. ‘We tried calling.’

Charlotte’s let herself in with her key. She’s all droopy. ‘She doesn’t feel well,’ Simone explains.

‘Sorry,’ I say. ‘I was just in the laundry. I didn’t hear you.’

I see her glance around.

The house is tidy - at least the hall is.

‘Thanks so much Simone.’

No, she won’t stop for tea, she says when I offer, she’s got a full house.

‘What’s wrong?’ I ask Charlotte once Simone has gone but she shrugs me off and heads up to her room.

I follow her in.

‘What’s wrong?’ I put my hand on her forehead and it feels cool.

‘I just don’t feel well.’

‘Charlotte?’

‘Just leave me.’ She shrugs me off again. ‘I just want to go to bed.’

There’s something wrong, there’s something going on.

I just don’t know what it is.

She won’t talk.

Though, if I’m honest, even if she did, I’m not sure that I’d hear it.

I’ve got a freezer full of ice cream cake waiting for me and I simply can’t ignore it.