CHAPTER THIRTEEN
GRACE LISTENED OUT for Luca’s return but the door to their wing remained resolutely closed all night. Lily hardly slept either. If she didn’t know better, Grace could swear she was waiting for him to come home too.
Something was troubling him and her heart ached to reach out.
The way he had made love to her...it wasn’t just the tenderness, it was the expression in his eyes, so much emotion.
As ridiculous as she knew it to be, it had felt as if he were saying goodbye.
Once Lily was up, fed and dressed, she decided to take her out for a walk. Maybe the crisp air could clear her head of the melancholy that had set in.
Just as she was about to push the pram into the woodland surrounding the monastery, a black Jeep came up the drive. Her heart jumped into her mouth but when it drove slowly past she saw it was one of the guards of the estate. Nonetheless, she waved politely, scolding herself for her irrational reaction. She shouldn’t get all skittish at the thought she might see her husband. And her heart certainly should not be pounding because of it.
After an hour of traipsing through the woods and skirting round the vineyards, she headed back feeling every bit as jumbled as she had when she’d left.
At least the fresh air had done Lily some good. She’d fallen fast asleep.
Grace lifted her out of the pram and carried her into their wing. Even when she stripped her out of the thick snowsuit, Lily didn’t make a murmur.
After settling her in the cot, Grace wandered back into her own room and saw she’d left her passport on her pillow.
‘I must be cracking up,’ she muttered under her breath, snatching it up, dislodging an envelope resting under it which she couldn’t remember seeing before. She really was going bonkers. She could have sworn she’d put the passport in the top drawer of her dresser when they’d returned from Florence. Except, when she opened the said drawer she found her passport in the exact place she had left it.
She opened the new passport, took one look at the picture and dropped it as if scalded.
It belonged to Lily.
Hands shaking, she retrieved it from the floor and took another look. What the heck was it doing in her room...?
Clutching it to her chest, she wandered out into the corridor.
The master bedroom was empty.
The office door was closed. She nudged it open.
Luca was sitting behind his desk, dressed in the same clothes he’d been wearing when she’d found him in her studio.
He looked a mess, his hair sticking out all over the place, the stubble around his jaw thick.
He raised bloodshot eyes.
She held the passport out. ‘I found this in my room.’
He groaned. ‘I put it there.’
‘You did? But why?’
‘Isn’t it obvious?’
‘Not really.’
He dragged a hand down his face and exhaled slowly. ‘You are free to take Lily and leave.’
Fearing her legs would give way beneath her, she leaned back against the door. ‘Just like that?’
‘Please, Grace, don’t make this any harder than it is. Pack your things. I’ll arrange for a driver to take you wherever you want to go. When you’re ready, call me and we’ll sort out the finances.’
She could not respond. She opened her mouth but nothing came out.
‘I assume the cheque is adequate to get you started?’
When she continued to stare at him blankly, his forehead creased. ‘I wrote a cheque out for you and left it with Lily’s passport.’
‘I never opened the envelope.’
He scratched his head, breathing deeply. ‘If you find it isn’t enough, just say and I’ll write you another. Or you can give me your bank details and I’ll transfer the money straight into it. Not that I would blame you if you didn’t trust me with those details.’
Unexpected freedom was within her grasp. She could almost reach out and touch it but her brain was having trouble processing it. This was such an about-face it was hard to comprehend. ‘Why are you doing this?’
‘Because you don’t belong here.’
His answer felt like a slap in the face.
He must have read her shock. ‘You have never belonged here,’ he said, utter dejection ringing from his eyes. ‘The restrictions of my life, the security, my business dealings, all it did was stifle you.’
‘You tried,’ she said, feeling a strange compulsion to defend him from himself. ‘You tried so hard to make me happy.’
He might have got cold feet about her having a proper gallery away from the estate, but that did not take away from the wonderful studio he had created for her or the hours he had spent in there with her, bringing his work into her world so they could be together. She doubted there were many men who would be so tolerant of a wife prone to disappearing from the marital bed in the middle of the night to paint.
‘Please, do not make excuses for me.’ His hands balled into fists. ‘I deserve nothing but your contempt. We both know you would have left me eventually, even if you hadn’t become pregnant.’
‘We don’t know that.’
‘I do. Being here was killing the essence of you. Sooner or later you would have had enough. Tell me the truth. Given a choice, would you want to live here? Would you want Lily to be brought up here?’
She shook her head, wishing with all her heart that she could lie to him.
Why wasn’t she jumping up and down with glee?
Luca was handing her everything she wanted. Her and Lily’s freedom.
He closed his eyes but not before she caught the bleakness that had flittered into them. ‘You and Lily will be happier away from Sicily. You need somewhere with freedom, a thriving art community, sunlight and people. The only thing I can provide for you here is the sunlight.’
‘But...’
‘Grace, I should never have forced you back. I have many regrets—so numerous I’m going to spend the rest of my life doing good deeds if I’m to have any chance of avoiding hell—but my biggest regret is my treatment of you. I brought danger into our lives. I kept you a virtual prisoner...’ His eyes snapped open to stare at the ceiling. ‘Everything I have done has caused you harm. I’ve behaved like a monster and I do not blame you for wanting to raise our child away from my influence. I will leave it to you to decide if I am to be allowed any contact with her. Whatever you decide, know I will support both of you financially and know I am more sorry than I could ever express.’
She should turn around and go before he changed his mind.
‘So that’s it?’ She needed to make sure. ‘Lily and I can leave, right now, and never come back and never set foot in Sicily again and never see you again?’
He rubbed the back of his neck. When he answered it was full of weariness. ‘If that is your wish, then yes.’
She believed him. She could grab her daughter and slam the door on Sicily and Luca for ever.
‘Please, Grace.’ His voice caught before he blew a puff of air out of his mouth. ‘Please, leave now. Looking at you hurts my heart.’
‘Okay,’ she said uncertainly. ‘I guess this is goodbye, then.’
He gave a curt nod, no longer looking at her. ‘Goodbye, Grace.’
Taking a shuddering breath, she stepped over the threshold.
‘If you or Lily need anything—anything at all—I’ll always be here for you,’ he spoke quietly after her.
Unexpected hot tears burned her eyes. She tried to walk to her room but every step felt as if ten-tonne slabs of concrete had been placed inside her limbs.
For an age she stood there, unable to move, the utter misery and dejection on Luca’s face the only thing she could see when she closed her eyes.
He had fallen in love with Lily and he was still letting them go.
And he loved her, Grace, too. She could feel it in her heart. Since he had come to her bedroom and spent the evening bathing and dressing their daughter, it was as if the old Luca had slipped back into his skin and slowly reclaimed his body.
He was giving her everything she wanted. Except for one thing...
Hadn’t she realised that last night, after they’d made love? She would have been happy to buy a gallery knowing it would be against his wishes, but confrontation involving anything real, she backed away from.
Unless she put her heart on the line and fought for the one thing she wanted above all else, she would lose it for ever.
She hurried back into his office, her legs suddenly working just fine in her haste.
Luca was slumped over his desk, his face buried in a pile of papers.
‘You said I could leave Sicily and never return if that were my wish. Well, what if my wish is for you to come with us?’
He slowly raised his head, a deep groove indented in his forehead.
She took a step towards him. ‘What if Lily and I loved you so much we didn’t want to be parted from you again?’
His mouth formed a tight line, his eyes not moving from her.
She moved closer. ‘What if I were to tell you I stuck it out in Cornwall for longer than I knew was safe because a tiny part of me missed you so badly it wanted you to find me?’ As she spoke the words she knew them to be true. That strange lethargy that had overcome her, that hollow feeling that something was missing...
The rational, protective part of her had been terrified of Luca discovering them.
Her irrational heart had ached for him.
‘What if I were to tell you I couldn’t paint because being without you made me so miserable, the creative part of me died?’ Reaching him, she leaned against his desk and took one of his trembling hands. ‘What if,’ she continued, turning it palm up and pressing a kiss to it, ‘what if I were to ask you to start again, somewhere new? Would you do it? Would you be prepared to move and run the estate from a different country if it meant we could be together as a family?’
He reached out to palm her cheek with his free hand, gazing intently into her eyes. The groove on his forehead had vanished. ‘Mio Dio, you’re serious.’
The tears she had been holding back spilled over. She wiped them away. Right at that moment tears were a nuisance; she didn’t want to cry when she was about to say the most important words of her life. ‘You’re right. I don’t belong here but I do belong with you. I’ve told you about my childhood and what it was like—I was wanted and loved but I never felt that, that...’ She struggled to find the right words. ‘I guess I always felt separate from my parents. I have never felt separate from you, even when we were apart—you were with me for every second of it. I love you, Luca, and I don’t think I could bear to be parted from you again.’
He had her on his lap and wrapped in his arms so quickly she had no time to even blink.
Her head pressed against his chest, he held her tightly, breathing deeply into her hair. ‘Dio, I never thought I would ever hear you say that again.’
‘Nor did I.’ She tilted her head and raised a hand to stroke his cheek. ‘I love you.’
‘I don’t deserve your love.’
Another tear rolled down her cheek and she gave an impish smile. ‘I know. But what can you do?’ She straightened so she was face to face with him. ‘And you can’t put everything on yourself.’
The furrow on his forehead reappeared. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m your wife. I knew something was wrong and I should have pushed harder to make you talk to me.’
‘Grace, it would have made no difference. I couldn’t confide in you. Not then. I was in too deep and too frightened of losing you to think straight.’
‘I should have at least tried. But I was too scared.’
Consternation crossed his face. ‘Of me? I would never raise a—’
‘No!’ She cut him off sharply. ‘I know you would never so much as lift a finger against me. No. I was scared to confront the truth. I was scared that if my suspicions were proven correct then I would have to ask you to choose between me and your association with Francesco. I could never have condoned what you two were doing, whatever the reasoning behind it. I couldn’t have lived with it—I just couldn’t.’ Her voice dropped to a whisper. ‘I didn’t believe you would choose me.’
She had trusted his love but she hadn’t trusted that it was strong enough to put her first. She could see that now. She had spent her entire life feeling that her parents’ love for her was secondary to their lives. To her, that kind of love had been normal.
‘Ah, amore,’ he groaned before pressing his head against hers and breathing in deeply. ‘I would never choose anyone or anything over you.’
‘And maybe if I’d believed that, I would have forced you to confide in me as soon as the warning signs were there that something was wrong. We don’t know if things would have turned out differently, and that’s what I mean when I say you can’t put it all on yourself.’
Luca expelled a breath slowly, the warm air from his lungs tickling her hair.
Grace took her own deep breath. ‘So what would you say? If I asked you to abandon your life here and come with us, would you?’
He kissed her forehead almost reverentially. ‘I would follow you to the ends of the earth if I thought that was what you wanted.’
She closed her eyes at the suffusion of warmth his words provided.
‘But is it what you want?’ Doubts suddenly crowded her as she thought of what she was really asking of him—to give up the only life he had ever known.
‘All I want is you and Lily. Being without you...Grace, I cannot begin to tell you how lost I felt. And you’re right. This life here is no kind of life. Not for you.’
‘It’s your life though.’ Now she thought about it, she could see the total abandonment of Sicily would never work. ‘There’s so much to think about.’ She sighed. ‘Too much of your life and business is tied up here.’
‘The majority of the wine and olive business is in Europe,’ he mused. ‘Francesco’s buying out my share of the casinos and nightclubs, which will free me up to base myself anywhere I choose, like Pepe.’
‘But this is your home. How would your mum feel if we moved away? She’d be heartbroken.’
‘My mum is as tough as old Parma ham.’
She sniggered. ‘I know, but she adores Lily. She can always come with us.’
He pulled away and stared at her quizzically. ‘Seriously? You would want my mother to come with us?’
‘I know she’s never approved of me but she is your mother and she does love Lily.’
‘She does approve of you,’ he insisted. ‘She’s always thought you were wonderful but she could see from the beginning that the restrictions of living here would wear you down. And she was right.’
She snuggled back into his chest, a warm feeling of contentment seeping through her bones ridding her of the final vestiges of poison.
‘We’ll work it out,’ he promised, stroking her hair. ‘As long as we’re together, and as long as we’re talking to each other about the things that matter, we’ll figure it out.’
‘Did you know I managed to escape your goons’ X-ray vision for all of two minutes and buy a new untracked phone?’
He laughed and rubbed his chin on her hair. ‘Now why doesn’t that surprise me?’
Snickering, she buried her face in his chest, catching a whiff of stale alcohol. ‘Have you been drinking?’
His voice became rueful. ‘I stayed the night in your studio nursing the best part of a bottle of Scotch.’
‘Were you very drunk?’
‘No. Believe me, I tried very hard to find oblivion. I knew what I had to do but I was delaying the inevitable.’
‘I can’t believe you were prepared to let me go.’
‘And I can’t believe what a bastard I was in forcing you to stay, and I can’t believe you’re prepared to give me another chance. I swear, I’ll never give you cause to regret it.’
‘As long as you promise to stay away from any business venture involving Francesco Calvetti.’
‘You can’t blame Francesco. I am my own man and I make my own choices. But I promise from now on all my business ventures will be legitimate in the sense that you recognise.’
‘Good. You must also swear there will be no more secrets between us.’
‘No more secrets.’
She rubbed her nose into his neck, catching another scent, a very faint trace of his new cologne. ‘Why did you change your aftershave? I thought another woman had bought it for you.’
His laugh was savage. ‘There has been no one else. I changed it because every time I smelt the old one it reminded me of you and made me miss you so much it hurt.’
‘Good. Because you must also swear to never, ever, ever even think about taking a mistress.’
‘As long as I’m breathing you are the only woman for me. You. Just you.’
‘Good. Because if you went with another woman I swear to God I’d rip your heart out.’
‘My heart would have to be ripped out for me to stop loving and wanting you.’ He bent his head and brushed his lips to hers. ‘I never stopped loving you, even when you shot me.’
Her laugh was shaky. ‘And I never stopped loving you, even when I hated you.’
‘No more hate.’ His lips parted and he pulled her into a kiss of such tender sweetness that the last hollow patch inside her belly filled and made her whole.