chapter Ten
Peter could do without this pressure. He’d been here for nine days and already he was ready to go home. If only his sister would let him go without all the guilt. “May, I have to leave soon. I can’t hang out here indefinitely helping with Dad’s house. Most of it is cleaned out and organized. If you need anything else, I’m sure Brad could help you.”
“I’m only asking for a day or two more, not your entire life. I want to try to get everything done before you go. Brad has a lot going on at work, and I’m not supposed to lift heavy stuff, since I’m pregnant. I thought you had another week of vacation. Besides, you said you wanted to spend some time with Justin before you went back home. It’s only Thursday. Why don’t you at least stay through the weekend?”
Yeah, and hadn’t that first attempt gone well, with the boy calling him a sperm donor and Peter not having any idea what to say to the boy who looked so much like him? Four more days would not make that situation any better.
“I think maybe it’s time to go.”
“But you just got here.” May put a hand on his arm and he couldn’t find it inside him to shake her off.
“I know, but I didn’t find what I wanted here.”
“And what did you want?”
Looking into her eyes was too difficult. He’d wanted... Well, somewhere in his mind he’d thought he’d be able to come back here, hook up with Claudia again, take his son under his wing, and have the life he should have had ten years ago but hadn’t been smart enough to keep at that time. He had been delusional. And those delusions were shot down when Claudia would barely even look at him.
But he couldn’t tell his sister that. So, instead, he said, “I just think I should get out of here. I’m not doing anyone any good.”
“That’s not true.” May’s heart was in her eyes, as it always was, and he felt bad about giving her trouble. But there was no use hanging around.
The phone rang in the living room. May gave him one more pleading look, then dove to pick up the receiver. He listened with half an ear as she said hello. Her side of the conversation made almost no sense and didn’t hold his attention as he foraged in the refrigerator for something to snack on before he went to pack his bags.
When he backed out of the fridge, he bumped into something. Turning around he found a beaming May standing behind him with the cordless phone tucked against her chest.
“I have a big favor for you to do,” she said breathlessly. “It’s something you can’t turn down.”
He didn’t know if he liked that phrase, or the light in her eyes. This visit hadn’t gone at all the way he’d thought, and anything she added to it wouldn’t make things better.
“Claudia’s on the phone and she wants to talk to you.” May kept the phone against her chest. “She wants you to do her a favor, and you better not say no.”
That put his back up even more, but his curiosity was piqued by what Claudia could possibly want from him, someone she hadn’t more than a handful of words for just days ago. But he put his hand out for the phone and tried to wait patiently while May timidly handed the phone over.
“Be nice,” she whispered.
He yanked the phone out of her hand and put it up to his ear. “Hello, Claudia.”
“Peter.”
The line hummed with a tense silence. A silence he wasn’t going to fill, since he wasn’t the one who’d called.
She cleared her throat. “I have something to ask, and please really think about it before you say no.”
Why did everyone assume he was some coldhearted a*shole? Yeah, he’d been dumb when he was younger, but he’d learned a few things since he was eighteen and ran from the prospect of a lifetime of raising a child.
“What?” he said, a little more harshly than he’d intended.
May whacked him on the arm, and he scowled at her.
Claudia cleared her throat again, and something about the sound sparked low in his gut. She needed him. For something. What he didn’t know. But he did know she needed him, and this might be his way into her good graces. Perhaps he could even win her back if he did this thing for her, whatever it was.
“I need you to do something for me.”
He could list a number of things he wouldn’t mind doing to that fine curvy body he’d looked at all during lunch. He’d been an idiot to walk away. “What?” He made his voice lower, gentler.
“Justin would like you to take him to a father-son dinner on Friday if you’re still in the area.”
“But I’m just the sperm donor.” It slipped out before he could stop himself. He tried to correct his colossal mistake before she hung up on him. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant to say. Please don’t hang up on me.”
“And why shouldn’t I? I ask you for one little thing after you made that great speech about what a mistake you made, how things should have been different. But as soon as I ask one little thing, you have a freak attack.”
He could just imagine her arms crossed over that impressive chest and her lips pouting. It had been a look she’d perfected years ago.
“I’m not having a freak attack.” He blew out a breath and turned away from May who looked like she wanted to take the phone from him and bop him on the head with it. “You just caught me off guard.”
“So?” Her tone had turned harder, probably waiting for him to disappoint her, let her down again. He had a chance here, one he would be incredibly dumb to turn down.
“Yeah, of course I’ll take him.” He asked for the details, and she gave them freely. May had a piece of paper under his hand and a pen ready and waiting before he even thought to ask. After writing everything down, he thanked Claudia and told her he’d be there to pick up Justin right on time. But he couldn’t help pushing just a little bit more. “How about we have dinner sometime this week? You know, while I’m here. Catch up on old times. You can tell me all about what you’ve been up to the last few years.”
There was another telling silence across the line. Until finally she said, “I don’t think I’ll have time for that right now. I have a bunch of stuff to take care of for some different events coming up.” She hesitated, and he read a wealth of dismissal in that moment. “But thanks for helping out. Justin will appreciate having a male to take him to the dinner. I’ll call you if I think of anything else.”
And just like that, she hung up the phone. He stood with May at his elbow for a long moment before clicking off the phone in his hand.
“Thank you,” she said quietly.
“Yeah, no big,” he said absently. But inside he was in turmoil. What was he going to do with the child he barely knew for the unknown number of hours this dinner would last? How was he going to interact with a ten-year-old he didn’t even know? He hadn’t been around children since he was one himself. This might not have been his best idea, but now he was stuck, and without the prize of dinner with Claudia dangling at the end.
****
Claudia hung up the phone and leaned her head against the cabinet in the kitchen. What had she just done? She’d asked a favor of the man she’d sworn never to give even another thought. And now she felt beholden to him. When he’d mentioned dinner, it occurred to her that it might not be a bad idea for them to be on better speaking terms, if Peter was going to be a small part of Justin’s life again. But she didn’t want to give any of her limited time to a man she didn’t want to have anything to do with. She’d much rather spend that time with Nate.
Nate, who was not available to talk to because of being out of town. He’d left this morning after giving her a kiss that would have to see her through to Saturday. Her lips were still tingling. No matter how much she wanted to pick up her cell and call him, just to hear his voice, she wouldn’t lay this on him when he couldn’t do anything about it. Especially since he’d felt bad enough about not taking Justin in the first place.
Claudia had offered to take Justin, since things with Nate had fallen through, but Justin had thought about it and asked for Peter.
Jeez, had that been a blow to her ego.
Or maybe it was a testament to the way she’d raised him. Either way, it appeared she wouldn’t be going to this dinner and Peter would. She only hoped it would be fine, and that Peter would be the adult. Justin was smart and would know if his biological father didn’t have an ounce of interest in him. Her head hurt just thinking about all the complications that could crop up on this outing, and nerves pounded behind her eyes.
Please let this work out. Justin deserved a break lately. He’d actually taken the news about Nate pretty well, even though Claudia had expected him to have some sort of complete breakdown. Hell, she was on the verge of some kind of complete breakdown. Now she might feel the need to go out with Peter, just to be nice to him after he’d so quickly agreed to help her out.
Zoe saved her from her own thoughts by banging in at the back door and throwing herself lengthwise on the couch. Now here was something Claudia could do and not feel useless. Because as much as it appeared Nate wanted her, it was going to have to wait.
But Zoe’s problems she could do. She’d put her cake fantasies aside for the moment and sort things out in her sister’s life. Maybe then she’d feel like she was worth something.
“That bad, huh?” Claudia said, stroking Zoe’s hair as she sat next to her on the couch.
Zoe groaned.
“Hey, here’s something that ought to make you giggle. Apparently we’re going to be hearing the term ‘bastard’ around here a lot over the next few days. It might even replace ‘sperm donor.’”
Zoe popped her head out of the cushions. “Bastard?”
“Yep, your nephew heard from some idiotic kids that he’s a bastard, and the boy has decided to take the term to heart and embrace himself.”
Zoe snickered. “Sorry. But bastard?”
“Uh-huh. And he may even have convinced himself that we should call him Bastard Justin for the next little while. He likes it and thinks that because it’s technically true he should be allowed to use it.” Claudia smoothed Zoe’s hair from her forehead. “You can laugh all you want. I was barely able to keep it in when he was talking. Although things got a little nasty at the end. Oh, and Peter is going to be taking our dear Bastard Justin to the father-son dinner. I actually had to call and ask him—and deflect his dinner invitation. So if you think you have it bad, maybe that will help you feel a little bit better.”
“Nice.”
“I thought you might like that.” She ran a hand down Zoe’s arm.
“Why are men such bast...well, I guess ‘jerk’ is probably the better word at this point.”
Now it was Claudia’s turn to snicker. “I have no idea. Maybe just to make us insane? I can’t even seem to get some time to myself for Nate, either. And now he’ll be gone until Saturday. My cake is not happening.”
Zoe sighed. “I think I might just go on a sweets-free diet.”
“I guess it really was bad.”
“You have no idea. But at least you have Nate to look forward to. Say goodnight to the bastard for me.”
“Will do.” Claudia took a glass of wine out onto the deck and just sat for a little while, daydreaming in the dark to keep herself from dwelling too much on all that could go wrong tomorrow night at the dinner for Justin’s school.
****
Nate fidgeted in his car the whole way home on Friday. He’d wrapped up things as early as he could, working through the whole night Thursday to get on the road early enough to try and make the father-son dinner. He’d brought a suit with him for meetings and had it cleaned this afternoon when the meetings were over, then dressed in it so he could go straight to the elementary school’s gymnasium and hopefully surprise Justin and let Claudia off the hook as the boy’s date for another year.
It had killed him to tell the kid he couldn’t make it to the dinner. But he hadn’t wanted to make promises, in case things didn’t go as planned and he didn’t make it back in time. Nate was huge on keeping his promises.
Plus, this way he got to see Claudia in a dress. God, he hoped she was wearing a pair of her killer heels. Nothing was like seeing her long calves pumped up by a pair of spike heels.
And there he went again, fantasizing about her. It was as if, ever since she’d kissed him, some kind of floodgate had opened and he could view everything about her over the years through a new set of eyes.
He wasn’t dumb. He’d always known she was a female. But he’d just never seen her as a woman until she’d laid her lips on his and damn near made his toes curl.
He wanted to get back to her as much as he wanted to get to Justin, but in a different way, obviously. He was really hoping, though, that he could finish up the dinner with Justin and then finish out the evening with Claudia, fulfilling those promises she’d made with her eyes and her lips and her hands.
He pressed down on the accelerator a little harder, drove a little faster, to get to her and to Justin. Whipping into the school’s parking lot, he snagged a lucky parking spot near the front. Damn traffic had made him over an hour late. He’d only get to eat dessert with his guy now. But at least it was something.
He straightened his tie and patted down his hair while hustling to the side doors of the gym. He’d have one more hour with Justin, and then he could go home to Claudia and see if they could find a little time together. He was ready and raring for that time together.
The rumble of a hundred men and boys greeted him when he yanked the door open. He stepped in and let it all wash over him. He’d never been invited to this event before, and it had meant the world to him that Justin had made the invitation. And now he was going to try to fulfill it for his guy the best he could.
Everyone was seated except for a few people picking at what food was left at the buffet. He looked around, trying to spot the one woman in the crowd. He was baffled to not find her sitting at one of the round tables. Maybe they hadn’t come at all. That made him feel even worse.
He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and was ready to dial Claudia to find out what had happened when he spotted Justin sitting next to an older gentleman. Nate had no idea who the man was, or why he would have brought Justin. But then he looked to the left and couldn’t believe his eyes. For there sat Peter, large as life, in the seat that should have been Nate’s.
It took a second to reconcile the picture with his brain. Where the hell was Claudia? And why on earth was Peter sitting there in a suit and tie—and talking to the guy next to him instead of to Justin? It just didn’t compute.
But then it did. Maybe Peter was trying to take a bigger part in his son’s life—because, even though Nate had never really thought of Peter as Justin’s father, in actuality he was. They had the same blood running through their veins, even if Peter had barely acknowledged it in over ten years. But this couldn’t be a bad thing, for Justin and Peter to bond a little.
If Nate felt any kind of jealousy rising, he soon squashed it. The kid knew who he wanted to hang out with, and Nate hadn’t been able to make the dinner. Maybe Claudia had been busy, too, since she’d thought she’d have a night to herself. That left Peter, who just happened to be in town. Made sense to him.
With that thought in mind, then, he didn’t want to ruin what could be the beginning of a new relationship. He started creeping backward, hoping no one would notice him as he made a discreet exit.
He’d almost made it to the double doors when Justin’s head jerked up like a wolf scenting prey. His eyes zeroed in on Nate, and the slight frown on his young face turned into a full-fledged smile of relief. That couldn’t be good.
The boy was up and out of his chair before Nate could blink. Peter spared him a quick glance before returning to his conversation with the man next to him. That didn’t look good, either.
And then Nate’s arms were filled with boy. His heart was just filled, period.
“Oh, Nate, thanks so much for coming. You don’t know how terrible it’s been.” When Justin stepped back from burying his face in Nate’s chest, he looked close to tears. That was saying something for his guy.
“What’s up?”
Justin blew out a sigh that ruffled Nate’s tie. “I don’t want to talk about it right now.” He turned pleading eyes on Nate, the ones Nate had never learned to resist. “Can you please, please, get me out of here?”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Nate put a hand under Justin’s chin and looked into his troubled face. “What’s this about getting out of here? Don’t you still have an hour left before the dinner thing is done?”
“I can’t stay here. Please take me home.”
“But what about Peter?” Nate put his arm around Justin, but he wasn’t budging until he figured out what was going on.
“Peter is a jackass.” Justin flushed and bit his lip.
“I’m not going to call you on the language, but I’m going to need more than that, if you think I’m going to break you out of this joint.”
Justin slipped his hand into Nate’s and gave him a squeeze. “He doesn’t have the faintest clue.”
“That might be true, but what are we supposed to tell him and your mom about you leaving with me?”
Justin clasped his hands in front of his chest. “Please!”
“It’s that important?” Nate didn’t feel good about stepping in where he wasn’t wanted, but he could clearly remember what an ass Peter had been when they were in high school. From what he’d seen, the guy hadn’t changed much. This must have been torture for Justin.
“It’s really that important.” The sincerity in Justin’s voice was no joke.
“Wait here. I’ll go see what I can do.” He left Justin standing at the double doors and tried to figure out what the hell he was going to say to Peter. What if the man didn’t realize Justin was having a horrible time?
But he didn’t have to worry so much. As soon as he approached Peter and the other man looked up, the relief in Peter’s eyes was crystal clear. “Please, man, tell me you’ve come to save me. I don’t have the faintest damn idea what I’m doing here. All these fathers know their kids’ batting average.”
Nate knew Justin’s. It was .178.
“They know his favorite color and what his favorite food is.”
Green. And Tastykakes, when he could get away with it, via Nate. Claudia wouldn’t let him near that over-processed treat. But Nate didn’t say any of these things, because Peter did truly look bewildered. Nate knew how tough this must have been for both the kid and the man. He wouldn’t say “father,” since all these things would be common knowledge for anyone interested in a child’s life. But Peter had never even met Justin until this week. Had no contact with him at all other than one birthday card when he was three.
“Justin was thinking I could drive him home, since I’m here,” Nate said, looking down at the carpet and giving the guy the chance to gracefully bow out of the whole thing.
Peter took it. “That would be great, man. If you don’t mind, I’ll head back to May’s. I have some packing to do. I think Justin was done here, anyway. I’ll just say goodbye on my way out.” He clapped Nate on the shoulder as he walked toward the double doors.
It was that easy. Nate hung back for a second to let father and son say goodbye to each other. The body language was all wrong. Justin leaned away from Peter when the man put an arm over his shoulders. Peter seemed to take the hint and offered his hand for a more manly shake. Then he was out the door.
Taking his time, Nate strolled over to Justin and offered him the one thing he probably needed the most. “Ice cream?”
The kid’s whole face creased into a smile. “Yeah.”
****
Peter slammed a hand into his steering wheel as he tore out of the elementary school parking lot. The Mustang rumbled under him and classic Depeche Mode shot from the speakers, drowning out the voices mocking him in his head.
He’d failed tonight, there were no two ways about it. He didn’t know the first thing about the strange alien person who carried his blood. While other fathers were whipping out baseball trading cards of their kids and talking about all the activities and sports they participated in, he was hard pressed to remember what Justin’s middle name was. He had no idea if Justin played sports at all. He couldn’t even come up with whether he liked chicken or beef at dinner.
The whole night had been a disaster, beginning with the moment he’d picked the boy up and seen how stunning Claudia looked in a pair of sweats with thick, brightly striped socks on her feet.
He didn’t know what the hell he was doing here, or why he had come back, other than to help his father. He wasn’t being much help there, either. He and Roger had never really gotten along. His father liked to brag about the business Peter did and the deals he made, but they never talked like May and Roger talked.
This visit was no exception. Normally, his family came to him. May had tried for a while, once she came back home, to get him to take an interest in Justin. She’d sent kindergarten pictures and drawings the boy had done. But Peter had had no interest. He had more deals to put together, his own life to lead. When he’d left Claudia three months pregnant and pursued his dreams, he’d never meant to come back.
And he’d been right to do so. There was nothing here for him. He should just go home now.
He went back to May’s, told her his decision, listened to her bitch about it, and then went to bed to get some sleep before his start out of town the next morning. He’d made his decision, and he would not be swayed.
He only had one more thing to do on his way out of town.
****
Claudia’s cell phone rang in her Decadence apron pocket a half hour before a bride was scheduled to come in for a cake taste-test. She did not have time for this, but she had been expecting a call from the principal at Justin’s school to discuss thoughts on how to get him to stop asking the other children to call him Bastard Justin. Normally the principal didn’t make calls outside of school hours, but Claudia had made the man and his wife their anniversary cake six months ago, and he now professed to be in love with her, or at least with her baking skills. Maybe she could use some of her baking points to get the principal to go easy on Justin about the language and the punishment for it.
She answered, though she did not recognize the number, and then she wanted to hang up immediately. She did not have the time or the inclination to deal with Peter today, of all days. She and Nate were finally going to test a little cake and icing of their own tonight, with Justin at her mom’s and Zoe out of town for the evening. He would not ruin that for her.
“What can I do for you?” she asked after he had said hello but then nothing else. The silence hung in the space between them uncomfortably as she braced herself for nearly anything.
He cleared his throat, and her stomach heaved a little. Clearing his throat had always meant he was about to tell her something she would not like.
“I was going to stop by to see you.”
“I’m really busy today, Peter.” May had told her how he had been asking questions, trying to get to know her and Justin through his sister, but May had turned him down and told him to do it himself if it was important to him. So far that had not happened, so it must not have been important. Fine with her.
“I said I was going to stop by, but I decided against it. I am actually at a rest stop about an hour away, on my way home.” He rushed on before she could say anything. “After that dinner with Justin, I realized that I’m not needed here. I’m not even welcome here. I should have stayed away altogether.”
Part of her wanted to feel bad for him, but in all honesty he had made the decisions that had led to this moment, and she wasn’t to blame. Still, she couldn’t let him think he wasn’t welcome at his sister’s home, no matter how it had thrown her into a tailspin to have him in the same town again. “I’m sure you’re welcome if you choose to come back sometime. May loves having you here.”
He chuckled, but it was a sad sound. “I know you’re not that obtuse. I’m fully aware that May loves having me here. My dad and I, however, get along better when we’re not in the same state, and you and I are never going to go back to what we were.”
“No, Peter, we’re not.”
“I really thought, on the way here over a week ago, that I would be able to come back and claim what should have been mine all along, what I walked away from. I was dumb to think it would be that easy.”
“Not dumb, just maybe arrogant or naïve.”
“Thanks. I think.”
Now she chuckled, but it was just as sad. “You gave me something really precious all those years ago, and there will always be a little part of you with me in Justin. In the way his eyes look just like yours and the way he throws himself into things.”
“But he doesn’t need me, and neither do you.”
It was a stark and frank insight from Peter, who had rarely looked outside himself and what he wanted. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. You made a life for yourself and for Justin in a way that I never could have. He knows he’s loved, and even if it’s not blood, he has a father.”
“Peter…”
“No, Claude, I saw the way he ran to Nate. The man was all Justin could talk about at that dinner. How he plays baseball with him and they have mock fights and trounce each other on video games. He takes him to pizza and tells him to treat you right. He gives it to him straight and expects him to be his best person while he’s showing him how, Justin said. He looks up to Nate and wants to be like him someday. What else is a father, if not a role model who loves you for you but wants you to be your best, better than the father is?”
“I…” Claudia had never heard him talk like this.
“Anyway, I just wanted to tell you, because I didn’t want you to think I was leaving like I did last time.”
Last time, when he had left without a word, begging his father to let her know he had gone to move into his dorm room early, to get ready for his fall classes.
“And I’m not going to be back for a while. May’s pissed, but she’ll have to get over it. I’m sure she’ll send me pictures galore of the baby when it’s born, and it will be good enough for me if not for her. It’s all I can offer.” He took a breath. “Speaking of pictures, if you want to send one or two of Justin over the years, I wouldn’t mind. One of those baseball trading cards everyone was talking about. And maybe some of the things he’s drawing, too. He drew me a cartoon on a napkin at the dinner, and it was pretty good. If he ever wants to pursue something like that, give me a holler and I’ll be happy to shell out some money to help him get into a good college.”
She was going to get a word into this conversation if she had to yell it. “Peter, I appreciate the offer, and I will send you some pictures, but you don’t have to cut yourself off completely just because things didn’t fall into place the first time you tried. Justin could possibly warm up to you if you spent more time with him, and May is going to be far more than pissed if you don’t come see her baby before she can travel.” What was she saying? She could be free of him indefinitely, and here she was inviting him to come back in a matter of months.
“You always did have a bigger heart than me, Claudia. I’ll see, when the time comes. But for now, I think you ought to run down Nate and officially make him a dad to that boy. He’s done all the work and been by your side for years. He had a thing for you when we were together, and he threatened to beat the shit out of me if I ever hurt you. And then he did when I left for college. He came and gave me a shiner I didn’t get rid of for days. He loves you in a way I never would have been good at. Patiently, quietly, wholly.”
More insight, and this was much weightier. Nate loved her, in Peter’s eyes? Nate had punched Peter? She’d have to wrap her head around that later.
“I’m going to go now,” he said, cutting into her reeling thoughts. “I have to get back home and you have to get on with your life. Thanks for raising a great kid, Claude. You did it right all by yourself, and though it probably means nothing, I’m proud of you.” He hung up, leaving her to sputter. But she couldn’t sputter long, because she had that cake test-tasting in less than five minutes.
Still, she found May and asked her to greet the bride when she came in and let her know Claudia would be out in just a moment. Claudia needed a moment to breathe and think through what had just happened before she put her happy face on and handed out sweets.
Back in the small office with its more comfortable new chairs, she sat and hung her head down near her knees. Talking with Peter had been shades of the man she had fallen in love with when they were teenagers. The one who would talk with her for hours while holding her hand and staring at the stars. To say he broke her heart when he left was a lie, since he had broken it two months prior when he offered to pay for her abortion because he wasn’t ready to be a father. He couldn’t see how he could go to college and get a degree when he’d have diapers to change and a squalling kid to deal with. He’d changed in that moment into someone she was better off without. She knew now it had probably just been his panic talking, but it really had turned out better for all of them that he had been able to walk away.
She cried, because she could, for the first time in a long time. She felt free from the past, in the present, and for the future.