“There are,” I said. “But I don’t think so. I’m not sure I want to move back to the same city that Kevin’s in.”
Her brows lifted. “That young agent that your father introduced you to?”
“Don’t tell Daddy, but he’s kind of a jerk.”
“Is he? Or did you just meet someone else?”
I grimaced. “There was a guy,” I said. “It didn’t work out.”
“Why not?” she asked, and I kicked myself for opening that door.
“A bunch of stuff.”
“Do you want to tell me?”
I shook my head. “No.”
We walked in silence for a while. “Did you love him?” she asked.
I almost lied, but I couldn’t do that to Evan. Even if he was no longer in my life, I couldn’t lie about the way I felt about him. “Yes,” I said. “Yes, I love him.”
She glanced at me sideways and I expected her to launch into some sort of maternal pep talk. Instead she said, “Your father wasn’t the first man I loved.”
“He wasn’t? Who was?”
A whisper of a smile touched her lips. “It doesn’t matter. But he was exciting and bold and he made me feel like anything was possible so long as I was with him.”
“I know that feeling,” I said. Evan was the rush I needed in my life, that extra something that made me feel alive. And, I knew now, I was the same for him. “Do you feel that way with Daddy?”
“I love your father very much, but it’s tamer,” she said. “It’s more of a partnership. And there’s nothing wrong with that, Angie. But if you can find the passion and the partnership—” She cut herself off with a wavering smile. “These are not the kinds of things mothers are supposed to talk about. But I want you to have everything good in the world.”
“So why didn’t you marry him? The first man, I mean.”
“He didn’t want me. Or, rather, he wouldn’t have me.”
“Why not?”
“He was involved in some things that skirted the law. He said that was no life for me.”
I stopped, turning to look in a gallery window so she couldn’t see my face. Jahn. That’s why their pictures were in those albums without my dad. Because my dad very literally wasn’t in the picture when those photos were taken.
“Did you agree?” I asked softly.
“I never let myself think about it,” she said, though I didn’t believe her. “He thought he was saving me. That he was making some grand sacrifice to protect me. But really he was just hurting us both. And I think he regretted walking away.”
I felt hollow inside. “How do you know?”
“Things he said when I saw him years later.” She waved the words away. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll never know for certain.”
But I knew, I realized. That was why he’d kept those photos. And what was it he’d told me so many years ago? Sarah is special.
Yes, I thought, she is. And although I loved my dad desperately, I couldn’t help but want to weep for my mother and my uncle, and the love they never truly got to share.
And I tried hard not to think about Evan, or the sacrifice I was making for him. A sacrifice that I was making without his consent. And one that I was starting to fear I would regret. But I still didn’t know what choice I had. I couldn’t leave him or my father to the wolves, and right then, with Kevin waiting so eagerly for any mistake, I was certain that those two men I loved would get eaten alive.
I made an effort to be more upbeat for the rest of our shopping trip, and when we returned home, laden with bags, we were both laughing about the horrible outfits we’d tried on at a local boutique.
“You should have bought the pink one,” my mom said.
“Are you insane? I would have looked like a marshmallow Peep.” I was about to counter that she should have bought the blue caftan-looking thing, but we’d reached the living room, and I stopped dead in my tracks. Evan was there. So was my dad and three men I didn’t recognize, but who were wearing suits and looked very official.