“That’s it? Just no?”
I curl a strand of her long hair around my finger. “You’ve given me a priceless gift by trusting me enough, after what you endured at such a young age, to let me make love to you, to take me into your body and allow me to be with you this way. It would kill me, and I mean literally kill me, if I did anything to ruin that trust or to scare you so badly you wouldn’t be able to stand my touch.”
“How will we know if I can stand it if we never try?”
“You have no idea what you’re asking.”
“Then tell me! Show me. Educate me. But don’t leave me in the dark wondering what you really want and making me wonder, every time we make love, if you’re unsatisfied.”
I stare at her, incredulous. “I’m not unsatisfied.”
“But you want more.”
“Yes, I want more! I’ll always want more with you. But I’m satisfied with what I have, and that’s enough.”
“How long will it be enough? How long will it be before you’re having fantasies about doing things with me that you’ve done with other women?”
I divert my gaze because that’s already happened, but in dreams over which I have no control.
“Flynn?”
I’ve promised to be honest with her, and I intend to keep that promise. “I’ve already had those fantasies. I’ve had dreams about being at the club and in the dungeon with you.”
“That day in LA… When I asked you what was wrong and I thought I’d said something in my sleep that had upset you…”
“I’d had a dream that left me out of sorts, but I worked it out.”
She is quiet for a very long, unsettling moment.
“What are you thinking?”
“I don’t know if I can do this.”
Her words strike fear in my heart that ricochets through my entire body. “What can’t you do?”
“This. Us. Any of it.”
“Natalie, come on. This is only one part of our relationship. The rest of it is fucking perfect. You’d really throw all that away because of this?”
“I can’t possibly answer that question without knowing what this entails.”
“So, what? You want details?”
“That would be a good place to start.”
I can almost feel my blood pressure inching into the danger zone at the thought of detailing my kink to her. My sweet, beautiful Natalie hasn’t the first clue what she’s asking for. She’ll never look at me the same way again if I tell her, and I can’t risk that.
I get out of bed and pull on a pair of sweats.
“Where’re you going?”
“I need a drink.” I leave the bedroom and go into the kitchen, where I pour myself a couple of shots of Bowmore, my favorite Scottish single malt. It burns all the way through me, reminding me I haven’t eaten much of anything in the last twenty-four miserable hours.
Natalie appears, wearing my robe, which is huge on her. She’s like my conscience, putting me on notice that she’s not going to let this go.
I feel cornered, trapped, unable to escape from the mess I’ve created for myself. I’ve promised her the truth. But how do I give her that and still preserve our precious bond, which has been made fragile by my lies?
After pouring another half glass of whisky, I bring it with me into the living room, brushing past her as I leave the kitchen.
She follows me.
“What do you want me to say?” I ask her in defeat. There’s nowhere to run from her or this conversation she’s insisting we have, even if I’m certain it will ruin everything between us.
“Tell me about your dreams, the ones you had about me.”
I shudder as a chill runs through me, and the whisky threatens to come back up. Turning away from her, I focus on breathing my way through the nausea. “I don’t know if I can tell you.”
“Why not? They were about me, weren’t they? Don’t I have the right to know?”
I want to argue with her. No, she doesn’t have the right to my every private thought, just as I don’t have the right to all of hers. But I’m on a slippery slope here, well aware that despite our passionate reunion and her words of love, I still have a long way to go to fully repair the damage I’ve done.
“When I was married before,” I say reluctantly, as the thought of Valerie still infuriates me, “it took me two years to tell her what I really wanted. In bed… She… She said I was depraved and disgusting and sick. Then she cheated on me and made sure I caught them in the act so I’d know just how disgusting she found me. I had to threaten her with lawsuits up the ass to keep her from going public with what she’d found out about me. I’ve actually been afraid ever since that she would give in to temptation and tell the real story behind our split, and my career would be irreparably harmed by her version of the truth.”
Natalie comes to me and lays her hands on my chest, the heat of her hands warming the part of me that’s gone cold. “I would never, could never, will never tell anyone what goes on between us. Ever.”