“Are you sure that’s all it is?”
“Yeah.” I tell him what he needs to hear, but the worries weigh on me and stay with me when we go into a big brick building. The office staff greets us with utmost professionalism, even if they stare at Flynn like starstruck girls. We’ve agreed that I should remove my ring while we’re there, so the news of our engagement doesn’t leak before we’re prepared to go public. My hand already feels naked without the gorgeous ring I’ve zipped into a pocket in my purse.
After I complete a medical history form, get weighed and have my blood pressure taken, I’m shown to a room and asked to take a seat. The doctor will be in momentarily.
I sit in one of the chairs, and Flynn sits next to me, holding my hand.
Thankfully, she doesn’t make us wait long. A knock on the door precedes the doctor entering the room. She is younger than I expected her to be, a true Southern California girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.
“It’s so nice to meet you both,” she says, shaking our hands.
“Doc,” Flynn says, “you and the rest of the world know what Natalie’s been through in the past, but you should also be aware that this is the first time she’s been to a doctor since the night of her rape exam. She’s extremely nervous, which is why she asked me to be here.”
“Of course, I completely understand. Natalie, what brings you here today, other than the fact that you’re long overdue for an exam?”
“I… I’m interested in birth control.”
“Is this your first sexual relationship?”
I nod. “Yes.”
“And you’ve been using protection?”
“We have,” he says for me.
“Okay, that’s good to know.” She asks about my periods and if I’ve had any health issues, which, thankfully, I haven’t. “All right, then.” She retrieves a gown from a cabinet and places it on the table. “We’ll need everything off, okay?”
Though I’m already trembling, I nod and she heads for the door. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
For a long time after she leaves the room, I stare at the gown, remembering the last time I wore one as a broken, traumatized girl. The sight of a doctor’s gown takes me right back to that long-ago night.
“Sweetheart?”
I almost forgot he’s there.
“The table, the gown… Brings it all back.”
“Let’s not do this, Nat. Not today anyway.”
“No, I want to get it over with. I’ll have to do it eventually if we’re going to have babies.” I turn to him. “We are going to have babies, aren’t we?”
He smiles sweetly at me. “As many as you want, sweetheart.”
My heart soars from the way he looks at me when he says that. “Then I guess I need to get over my doctor phobia.” I reach for the hem of the dress I wore in deference to the foundation meeting we’re attending afterward.
“Let me.” Starting with my dress, he removes my clothing one item at a time and then wraps the cotton gown around me, tying it at my waist. “You’re sure you want me in here for this?”
“I’m very sure. I just hope you’ll still want to have sex with me afterward.”
He puts his arms around me and brings me in close to him, propping his chin on the top of my head. “I’ll always want to have sex with you.”
We’re still standing there when the doctor knocks and enters the room.
“If you’ll have a seat on the table for me.” She goes over to the sink to wash her hands and prepare for the exam.
As I sit on the table, I begin to tremble violently. I’m not sure I can go through with this.
“Mr. Godfrey, you can have a seat here.” She refers to a stool that she positions at the head of the table.
“Come here, sweetheart.”
I lie back into his welcoming arms, and he cradles my head so that neither of us can see what’s happening elsewhere.
“Is this okay?”
I breathe in the sexy scent of his cologne, which calms and centers me. “Yeah.”
The doctor is good about telling me everything she’s doing before she does it, beginning with a breast exam that would’ve mortified me if Flynn hadn’t kept his head down, resting against mine. I get the sense he doesn’t want to look any more than I do. She talks to me about breast self-examination and how important it is to be diligent about prevention.
I hear her and I’m listening, but my eyes are tightly shut and I’m willing my way through it, wanting it to be over as fast as possible. She settles between my legs, drops the end of the table and guides my feet into stirrups.
Flashbacks of the last time my feet were in stirrups come rushing back, stealing the breath from my lungs. I’m sobbing, and nothing has even happened yet.
“Take it easy, sweetheart.” Flynn strokes my face and hair as he talks softly to me.
“Shall we continue?” the doctor asks.
“Yes,” I say. “Please.”
She explains the Pap procedure in detail and asks if it’s okay to proceed.
“Yes.” I close my eyes and grit my teeth.