Chapter Sixteen
The next week was problematic. Because the ax was closer to falling on their relationship, and Lark had only fallen more in love with Quinn.
Because she slept in his arms every night, ate breakfast with him every morning. She even watched TV on the couch with him, curled up against him, her head rested on his chest. And he held her hand when they walked places on the ranch.
He suddenly didn’t seem to care so much about keeping them a secret. But then, the boys had proved that they responded well to him. Despite a bit of grumbling, Quinn was a big hero to all of them. As was Sam.
Guys who were tough, worked hard and had money and success—and all without serving jail time. Well, without serving jail time recently.
Lark put her elbow on the table and took another bite of her dinner and listened to everyone talk. The staff and all the boys were sharing dinner tonight. Except Jill and Sam, who were eating in their cabin.
“Did I tell you guys about the time I got arrested for robbing a convenience store?” Quinn asked.
“You robbed a store?” This came from Mike.
“Yep. I grabbed the cash drawer while the cashier’s back was turned,” Quinn said. “Do you know why?”
“Why?” Jake asked.
“Because I was an a*shole. I thought life owed me something, I don’t know what. So I was walking around with a chip on my shoulder just begging to be put in my place. And I did get put in my place. Jail. Which is a terrible thing, by the way, for those of you who haven’t been.”
“And how did you get here?” Jake asked, looking down at his plate. “I mean . . . I’m curious how you went from that to . . . you own all this and you were in the rodeo.”
“Hard work. And more than that, finding a goal that I was working toward. But this is the second part of my cautionary tale. I did a lot of stupid things when I was young, and some of you have done things just as stupid. Some of you haven’t yet, but you’re headed that way. I don’t ride in the rodeo anymore,” Quinn said. “I’m barred from it. Because I was accused of something. Something I didn’t do. But when you look into my past, I have legal evidence that says I’m the kind of guy who wouldn’t hesitate to break the law to benefit himself. The prejudice follows you. And it burns worse when it’s prejudice you’ve earned.”
Mike shrugged. “So, I’ve been arrested. You’re saying I’ll always have a harder time?”
“Maybe, but not as hard as if you keep being stupid. You have time to turn it around. But the choices you make now will affect you, I’m not going to lie about that. Also think hard about getting tattoos.”
“Too late for that too,” Mike said.
“Yeah, well, for me too.”
“But you look like you do okay,” Mike said, looking around.
“Yeah, I do okay.”
And with that, Lark was officially done for. As if she hadn’t been already. It hurt. To love him so much. Especially when she knew he loved himself so little.
Quinn didn’t think he meant a thing without the rodeo. He’d attached all of his value to it. And he had so much to give with just him. Without the fame, without the acclaim. But he didn’t see it. And she didn’t know how to make him.
Except by taking him as he was. Even with all the rough edges and the self-loathing and the plans for getting revenge on her family. And that was a lot to take. But wrapped up in all that somewhere was Quinn Parker. Her lover, the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.
She felt like she was doing battle against the chains that were wrapped around his wrists. Manacles that held him back and kept him from moving forward.
“Eat up,” Quinn said. “Because you’re all on clean-up crew tonight.”
This was met with a slew of swearing and the show of several middle fingers. Quinn never got on them about that stuff, as long as they did what he and the other staffers asked. It was one thing she admired about him.
He didn’t ask for blind obedience or for them to be happy about doing the work, so long as they did it. He wasn’t trying to protect them from things they’d already seen. Wasn’t trying to smooth every rough edge. Quinn had his own rough edges, and she loved those too. They were part of what made him who he was.
When the table was cleared and the boys were in the kitchen with Kevin and Maggie, Quinn took her hand in his and pulled her in for a kiss.
“I’ve been wanting to do that all night,” he said.
“And I’ve been wanting you to do it,” she said.
“Want to take a walk with me?”
“Are you leading me down the garden path, sir?”
“Is that fancy talk for leading you into the woods so I can take your panties off?”
She laughed. “Yes.”
“Then hell yeah, I’m leading you down that garden path.”
“Lead faster.” He took her hand and they walked out of the mess hall and into the warm evening. Lark breathed in deeply, the sweet scent of pending summer filling her lungs. “Beautiful,” she said.
“Yeah. I’ll be kind of sad to leave it.”
“Then don’t,” she said.
He stopped walking and turned to face her. “I have to. When I get reinstated I’ll be traveling again, competing.”
“And if you don’t?”
“Not an option.”
“Why not?”
“Because I . . . It’s not what I want, Lark.”
“And in life you’re guaranteed to get everything you want?” she asked, reaching out and taking his other hand in hers. “Quinn, what if you never get back into the circuit?”
“I have to.”
“But what if you don’t?”
“I can’t even think about that.”
“Why?” she asked. “Would it be so bad? Does it matter so much?”
“It’s everything I am, Lark. Everything good that I am. I know how I am, and without a goal . . . without a goal and without people watching . . . what keeps me from becoming what I was? A drunk petty criminal with nothing to offer life.”
“You would never be that again. Did you listen to yourself talking to those boys?”
“Talk is easy,” he said, his voice rough.
“It’s not just talk though, Quinn, it’s your life. It’s what you’ve lived.”
“It doesn’t look like a lot to me.”
“Really? You’re a dumbass, do you know that?”
“Oh, really?” He leaned toward her. “Tell me about what a dumbass I am, little girl.”
She pulled him toward her, planting a kiss on his lips. “Don’t ‘little girl’ me. I might be younger than you, and I might be less experienced in . . . everything. But I’m a lot less screwed up than you are.”
“You think?”
“Yes. And you know what I see? I see a man who has a lot of money, a lot of appeal, and a lot to offer the world. But I also see a man who can’t make use of any of his resources to their fullest extent because he’s too busy licking his wounds.”
“Is that what you think? What do you know about any of it?”
“A lot, Quinn. I know a lot. I know what it’s like to lose people you love, and dammit, I even lost the memory of the father I loved. The way I knew him . . . none of it’s true. It hurts. It sucks.”
“At least they wanted you.”
“Yeah. I’m not going to say you don’t have a uniquely sucky situation, but that doesn’t mean you get to be all damaged for the rest of your life.”
He shrugged. “I’m over it.”
“Liar.” She caught herself poking her index finger into his chest, and she couldn’t be bothered to stop. “You are not over it. You’re controlled by it.”
He wrapped his hand around her arm and pulled her up against him. “Says the girl who showed up at my house for sex because she was pissed at her brothers.”
She looked up at him, his dark eyes glittering. “And because I wanted you.”
“Still, I’d be careful not to fall down off my high horse there, darlin’. You’re pretty controlled by the crap you’ve been through too.”
“I was,” she said. “But not so much now.”
He leaned in closer, his nose nearly touching hers. “Really?”
“I already told you, I used to be afraid of my shadow. Afraid to put a foot out of line.”
“And you think I’m afraid?”
She pulled out of his hold. “Yeah, I do.” She put her hands on his face. “I think you’re afraid that you aren’t good enough.”
“Baby, you really think I have an ego problem?”
“I do.”
He shook his head and pulled away. “And here I thought we were getting to know each other. I guess not.”
“Yeah, Quinn, I guess not. I thought we were sharing things with each other, but . . . we’re not really, are we?”
“Just in the biblical sense. But that’s all this was ever going to be.”
Pain stabbed her, sharp and hot. And it was stupid, because she knew, she had known, from the beginning that this wouldn’t be forever. But hearing Quinn say it stole her chance to live in denial about it.
She let out a heavy breath. “I’m tired. I’m going to go to bed.”
“Fine. I’m going to go make the rounds and make sure everything is set for the night.”
“Great.”
Lark headed back toward the house and climbed the stairs. It was funny how she hadn’t even thought of taking another bed, or going home. She was upset at Quinn, but she wasn’t going to play games.
She didn’t want to sleep without him, so she wouldn’t.
She turned the lights off, took her clothes off and got into bed naked, curled into a tight little ball facing away from the door.
She didn’t know how long she lay there alone, replaying the conversation with Quinn over and over and trying not to cry.
She heard the bedroom door open and Quinn’s heavy sigh, but she didn’t have the energy to say anything. She hardly had the energy to move. His clothes hit the floor with a muffled sound, and then he climbed into bed behind her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her against his body.
And she let him. Feeling his heart beat heavy against her back, his hand warm on her stomach. Then he kissed her shoulder and whispered in her ear. “I’m sorry, baby.”
She nodded silently and put her hand over his. Then she finally drifted off to sleep.
***
“What the hell is he doing?”
Lark watched as Quinn mounted a horse in small chute that was just off of the ranch’s main arena. The boys were lined up outside the fence, their eyes glued to him.
“A demonstration,” Jill said, moving to stand by Lark.
“What kind of demonstration?”
“The kind that makes me glad my husband only assists bronc riders.”
“Oh.”
Sam released the door on the chute and the horse bolted out. And Lark’s heart climbed into her throat while she watched Quinn keeping time with the horse’s movements as it did its level best to throw him off and into the dirt.
But Quinn hardly looked rattled. He was one with the animal. He didn’t fight the movements; he embraced them. She’d never seen a man ride quite like that.
“He’s so good,” she said.
“He is,” Jill said. “And I wanted to say . . . I’m sorry about everything. About being at the ranch. I really didn’t know you were working for Quinn. I wasn’t trying to trick you any of the times we talked.”
“I know,” Lark said.
A bell rang and Quinn dismounted, then went after the horse, herding him back through to the chute.
“He made the ride,” Jill said, a smile on her face. “And you should also know that Quinn hasn’t always been my favorite guy in the world. I’ve spent a lot of time resenting him for having Sam on the road. And I was more than a little PO’d by our romantic getaway at Elk Haven being just another assignment from the boss.”
Sam looked back at Jill just then, and his smile could only be described as smitten.
“It seems to be working out though,” Lark said. “Better than it was?”
“Yes,” Jill said. “See? Things work out, even when you don’t think they will.”
Lark blew out a breath. “Well, I cling to that hope.”
“Trouble in paradise?”
“It’s hardly paradise. I’m not really sure exactly what it is we have going.”
“And you want more?” Jill asked.
“Yes.” Lark curled her hands around the fence, the cold metal stinging her skin. “But I don’t know if it’s possible.”
“You fell in love with him, didn’t you?”
Lark looked down. “I’m so predictable.”
“Yeah, well, if it helps, I fell in love with a bad-news cowboy too.” Jill put her hands on her hips and looked over at Sam. “And he’s caused me a lot of trouble. But he’s given me more joy than anything or anyone else in life, so it kind of evens out.”
“I don’t want to get my heart broken,” Lark said.
“Sam’s broken my heart a couple of times,” Jill said slowly, “and I think I’ve broken his too. When you love someone with everything, that’s the risk you take. Though a few heartbreaks could have been avoided if we’d just stopped being so wrapped up in ourselves and our own issues for about five minutes and looked at the other person.”
Lark followed Jill’s line of sight over to Sam, who was standing next to Jake and Quinn’s horse, letting the kid deal with getting the animal ready to be put back in his corral.
“I don’t think Quinn can,” Lark said. “He’s so hurt. And I don’t think he can see past any of that.”
“And here I just thought he was a jerk.”
“Ugh. No. I wish.” Lark took a deep breath. “He’s not a jerk. He tries to pretend he is. He’s like a dog licking his paw. Huddled in the corner, growling, and too stupid to let anyone come and put a bandage on him so he doesn’t get an infection that spreads to his brain and makes him act like a total a*shole. Actually, it’s too late to stop the infection.”
Jill laughed. “Descriptive.”
“See, he’s not an a*shole, it’s just—”
“The wounds.”
“Yeah.” Lark bit her lip and looked at the ground. “I was so mad at him when we first met. All I could think about were Cade’s injuries. And how he might have caused them. I missed how hurt Quinn was because he didn’t walk with a limp. But I see it now.”
“He hides it well. I’ve known him for years, and I just wrote him off.”
“That’s what everyone’s done. But in fairness, I think he was daring people to do it. I think he’s daring me to do it.”
“Are you going to let him win?”
“No. I’m not going to let him scare me off. I might scare him off though.”
Jill shifted her weight from one foot to the other. “Well, if he gets scared, then it’s his loss.”
***
“Hey, Quinn, can I talk to you for a second?”
Quinn turned and saw Jake walking away from Sam and toward him. “Sure. What’s up?”
“I just wanted to . . . ask why you don’t ride in the circuit anymore.”
“I told you guys I got booted.”
“Because you got blamed for something you didn’t do. What was it?”
“You follow the rodeo, right? I mean, you knew who I was. You used to work with the horses.”
“I helped, yeah. So . . . I guess I kind of follow it.”
Quinn took his hat off and rested it on the fence post. “You know Cade Mitchell then. You remember his accident?”
Jake paled. “Yeah, I remember. I was there that day.”
“It was a hell of a thing. Not something you want to see happen to anyone, even if you don’t like the guy.”
“They blamed that on you?”
Quinn nodded once. “Yeah. Because out of everyone there, I’m the one with the past. I’m the one who wasted my time as a kid getting into trouble, and I’m the one . . . I’m the one who walked into the circuit expecting to be rejected. So I was a jerk to everybody. I didn’t make a single friend who would stand up for me. I pushed everyone away.”
“Like I do,” Jake said.
“Yeah. Like you do.”
“What do you do when you feel like you’re too far gone to come back?” Jake asked. “Like you’ve already made the worst mistake you could ever make and there’s nothing you can do to fix it.”
“That’s called rock bottom, kid. That’s when you start climbing out of the hole.”
Jake looked down. “How?”
“Sometimes it’s just not being too stubborn to ask for a hand up.” Quinn ignored the pressure in his chest, and the image in his head of Lark standing over him with her hand held out to him. “Why don’t you go help Sam clean the tack?”
Jake smiled, the first time he’d seen the boy look happy. “Okay.”
Quinn let out a breath and leaned against the fence, putting his hat back on his head. Weird how much he would miss this place when he was gone. How much he would miss the woman he’d found here.
But staying wasn’t an option. It never had been. He had one goal, and one goal only. Nothing could be allowed to get in the way. He had one more option, and then he was going to start chipping away at the Mitchell empire until Cade had no choice but to give in.
***
Cade walked toward the door and cursed his leg the whole way. “I’m coming,” he said, wishing faster were an option tonight. It just wasn’t. That was the most frustrating thing. When what he wanted to make happen with his mind couldn’t be matched with his body.
That had never been him before. Whatever he’d wanted, he’d done it. But now . . . now he felt like he couldn’t do a damn thing. Three years, and his body still felt like it belonged to someone else.
He wrenched the door open and froze, pondering getting the shotgun as he stared down Quinn Parker.
“What do you want?”
“To talk to you.”
“Do you want my blessing to keep defiling my sister? Because I can’t give you that. But I can give you a ‘go to hell.’”
“I’m actually kind of surprised you haven’t come to drag her back by her hair,” Quinn said.
He’d thought about it. He’d dreamed about it. Storming that bastard’s house and bringing Lark home. Fixing whatever was wrong with her head that made her think he was an okay guy to be with.
But what was the point? He couldn’t make her stay. He couldn’t make her care that the a*shole had nearly killed him. If she didn’t care, what more was there to say?
“Well, she’s an adult,” Cade bit out. “I can’t force her. But I don’t have to accept it either.”
“Well, that’s fine. I didn’t come here for that. I didn’t even come here to talk about her,” Quinn said, leaning against the support beam on the covered porch. “I want to give you one more chance to clear my name.”
“And why would I do that?”
“If you aren’t interested in the truth, maybe you’ll do it to keep things running smoothly at the ranch. Maybe you’ll consider the personal connection I have.”
“I knew it. You’re using her.” Cade’s blood had just about reached the boiling point. Leg pain or no leg pain, his fist connecting with Quinn’s jaw seemed like a good idea. Followed up by kicking the bastard in the ribs, stomping him. Just like the horse had done to him. So he would know even a fraction of his pain.
“I didn’t have to use her. She’s told me a lot of her own free will.”
“Out. Off my property right now, or I can’t promise you they won’t be looking for your body tomorrow.” Rage poured through Cade, unreasonable, uncontrollable. But when he pictured this man, the man who had ruined his career, with his hands all over his sister, murder was the nicest thing on his mind.
“One more chance, Mitchell. One more, and I pull the rug out from under you.”
“You think you have connections I don’t?”
“In this instance?” Quinn nodded. “Yeah, I know I do. And I know where you’re weak.”
“I’m not clearing a name that doesn’t deserve it. Do what you need to do, but I’m not giving you your place back in the circuit. If they ever hinted at reinstating you, I would fight it until I ran out of breath, and if you think I’m bluffing, watch me get out of bed in the morning. How long it takes. How I look like an old man. Then you’ll know how serious I am.”
Quinn raised an eyebrow and tipped his hat. “Then you’ll hear from me soon.”
He turned and walked back down the porch and to his truck. Cade watched him drive away, and he wondered how in the hell life could get so screwed up.
It had been bad enough for Quinn Parker to take the rodeo from him. For him to take his ability to ride from him.
But now he was tearing apart his family too.
***
Quinn got off the phone with his buddy who dealt with the livestock contracts for the circuit. One well-placed word, and they could get the Mitchells cut loose from their horses being used in competition.
It was shameless, and he knew it. He didn’t have a lot of friends, but Steve was one, and Quinn knew he could count on him to do this favor with minimal questions asked. He also knew it would be a pretty big blow to the Mitchells.
Because he knew, from Lark’s own mouth, that the injection of revenue they got from competitions was the thing keeping them from sinking.
If he had to go down, Cade would come down with him.
He’d done it. He was every inch the bastard he’d always thought. That he’d always believed. The vision of Lark’s face sent a sharp stab of pain through his body. How would she handle it? What would it mean for her?
How had it all gotten tangled like this?
In the end though, of course he’d chosen to do it. No matter how it affected Lark. Because that was who he was.
And she should know. She should know whose house she was in. Whose bed she’d been sharing. She thought she knew, but she didn’t. That was the thing. She was lying to herself. She thought she knew who he was, and even though he’d told her the way things really were, and she said she believed him, she didn’t really.
He had to make her see it. He had to make her understand.
He walked up the stairs and hoped he’d find Lark in their room—his room. It wasn’t their room. They’d been sleeping in it together, but it wasn’t theirs. None of this was theirs. It was his. And she had her life, her life with her brothers.
The life he was uprooting.
Because that was the brand of bastard he was.
He threw open the bedroom door and found it empty. He could hear water running in the bathroom, and he walked through and inside. Lark was in the shower, the glass door steamed up, obscuring the details of her. All he could see was her shape. Pale skin and sweet curves.
She was swaying back and forth beneath the water, her arms above her head, in her hair, scrubbing while she moved to a song that seemed to be only in her head.
“Lark,” he said, his voice echoing in the room, competing with the shower spray.
“Hi,” she said, not opening the door. “You should come in.”
“Not now.”
“But Quinn, I’m lonely. And I need someone to wash my . . . back.”
For some reason her words, the familiarity of them, the request to help with something he knew damn well she could do by herself and had done by herself before him, sent a shaft of pain through him.
“You don’t need me to do that.”
“Oh.” She stopped swaying, lowering her arms slowly.
“I went to see Cade today.”
“Why?”
He was glad the glass was between them. He was glad she couldn’t see his face.
“To tell him that if he didn’t clear my name, I was going to ruin him. And happily. I told him basically what I already told you.”
“And he said?”
“He won’t do it.”
Silence fell between them, the shower on the tile the only sound now. “What did you do, Quinn?”
“I made some calls. Elk Haven is set to lose its contracts with the Rodeo Association.”
“What? How? Why?”
“Because Steve is a friend of mine. Because I told him the situation, and he’s prepared to stick his neck out for me on the basis of the fact that Elk Haven might not be able to fulfill its word because of Cade’s injuries.”
“Quinn . . . if that happens . . . I don’t know how they’re going to keep the ranch going. We needed that money.”
“And you told me,” he said, his voice rough. “And I used it. I told you, Lark, I told you who I was. I told you I had bad blood. And you . . . you’re just a simple little virgin who believed you could reform a bad boy. Whatever you told me, whatever you told yourself, that’s the truth of it.”
The water shut off, and Lark pushed the shower door open, emerging completely naked and not even trying to hide herself. “Is that what you think? That I wanted to reform you?”
“Isn’t it?” he asked.
“You stupid a*shole,” she said. “I didn’t want to reform you. I wanted you to see what I saw. Because if you did . . . Quinn, if you saw the man I see . . . you wouldn’t need this so bad.”
“Honey, you’re just looking at life through freshly f*cked glasses. It’s not me, it’s you. You think you see something that’s not there.”
“No, that’s where you’re wrong.” She took a step to him and she put her arms around him, heat and moisture from her skin seeping through his clothes. “You’re trying to push me away so that I don’t look and see who you are. So that you don’t have to look and see who you are. But I see you, Quinn.”
“Not clearly.” His heart was pounding hard, and he was trying, trying with everything in him, to find the strength to pull away. Because he had no right to touch her. Not again. Not after what he’d done.
He was hurting her. Even while he was hurting her she was giving to him. Touching him like he was a man who was worth something. Like he was a man who could understand softness, who could understand tender emotion.
She was wrong. But he didn’t want her to be. For a moment, just a moment, he wanted to be the man Lark thought he could be.
He wanted to fold into himself into her embrace and be worthy of it.
The sudden feeling of being absolutely ashamed filled him, washed through him. He felt like nothing. A man with an empty chest and arms that were full of a woman he didn’t deserve. A woman he should never have touched.
“Oh, I see you.”
No. He wanted to say it. Wanted to scream the denial. He’d come up here to confess his sins and make her see, and now he wanted to hide the monster he’d presented her because when she saw, when she finally saw, she would turn away from him in complete disgust.
He would. If he didn’t have to live in this body, he would have peeled his own skin off and escaped years ago.
But you can’t escape your soul. It’s rotten no matter what.
She started working the buttons on his shirt. “I need you,” she said.
“No, Lark.” He shook his head. “Did you hear anything I just said?”
“Shut up, Quinn,” she said. She leaned in and kissed his neck.
“You can’t need me.”
“Then you need me.”
And he couldn’t argue with that. He let her undo the buttons on his shirt, let her kiss him like she was gasping and he was air. Let her undo his belt buckle and push his jeans to the floor.
Then he followed her out into the bedroom, and he didn’t protest when she pulled him onto the bed with him.
She stopped kissing him for a second, her eyes locked with his, her hands on his cheeks. “You need me,” she said again.
He was shaking with his need for her. Couldn’t deny it. But couldn’t bring himself to say it either. For her. For him.
So he just let her keep kissing him, pouring into the deep, empty spaces inside of him. And he took it, let her try and fill him, even though he knew she could spend all of her life trying and never impact the emptiness.
And he would leave her empty too. Everything spent on a man who would take and take and never be satisfied.
She parted her thighs for him and he groaned, rubbing his cock over her slick folds. He shuddered, pressing his forehead against her chest. “I can’t wait,” he said.
She reached over and grabbed a condom out of the drawer and tore it open, reaching down between them and rolling it onto his length. After she removed her hand he gripped himself and made sure the protection was on as well as it should be. The last thing she needed was a lasting consequence from him.
As if you you’ll leave her without any scars.
He pushed the voice away, and pushed into her, the feeling of completeness, of homecoming, so overwhelming it tugged the breath from his lungs.
For a moment, he felt so satisfied, so complete, he just wanted to stay there, joined to her, forever. He’d never felt so at peace. Had never felt as comfortable in his own body as he was when he was pressed up against hers.
But then she flexed her hips, her internal muscles tightening around him, and his need slipped its leash, roaring through him like a lion, demanding satisfaction.
And he could do nothing but chase it. He thrust into her, deep and hard, and she moaned, fingernails digging into his skin, her breath hot on his neck.
He was lost. In her. Her scent, the feel of her, around him, against him, soft and yielding, the perfect answer to his hardness. Strong where he was weak. Vulnerable where he had no give.
She was perfect for him. His perfect fit.
He let that thought spur him on, push him home. He felt her reach her peak, and he raced her over the edge, pleasure pouring through him, washing over him. Like a baptism by fire.
He lay against her, that last thought echoing through him. She was perfect for him.
“I love you, Quinn.”
For a second, those words filled him with a joy that was so big, so terrible, he thought it would crush his insides.
And on the heels of the joy came the hard, cold bite of reality.
She was perfect for him, because she had so much to take. Because she was beautiful, lovely inside and out, unlike anyone else he’d ever known. Because she looked at him and saw a man with nothing as worth something. Because she tried to see beyond the bad that had been born into him.
But he wasn’t perfect for her. Because no matter how badly she wanted to see a good man, it didn’t make him one.
He moved away from her, his heart pounding, his body still burning from the high of the orgasm, from the high of those three words. Words he was sure he’d never heard directed at him in his life.
And now they were ringing in his head like a damn church bell. A call to salvation he couldn’t answer.
“Get out, Lark,” he said, stumbling away from the bed and going back into the bathroom to get rid of the condom and collect the clothes.
“What?” She followed him, standing in the doorway, her body flushed from her orgasm. “What did you just say? I said I love you and you actually said—”
“Go.”
“Quinn, I told you that I wasn’t going to make you choose. I told you I would take you like you are.”
“Are you stupid? I’m serious. Are you stupid that you would take the nothing I can give you? Lark Mitchell, you could have the whole world, and you just want to take my sick twisted piece of it. Why would you want so little?”
“No, Quinn, the entire world is open to you and you choose to live in a sick twisted place and act like a trapped, scared little boy. That is stupid. I’m standing here holding the door open telling you to walk out and you’re in the corner telling me you’re trapped. Why do you want so little?”
She turned away and he bent down and picked up his jeans, tugging them on and following her out into the bedroom.
“There’s no more to me than this, Lark. I’m an a*shole. My own family couldn’t deal with me. None of my parents wanted me. I had one home, and it was in the rodeo. It’s the only point in my life I ever managed to stay out of trouble, and without it? Without it I’m that same worthless nothing that I was before. I don’t love women, I sleep with them, and when I’m done, I never think about them again. You’re not going to be any different.”
Lark felt like she’d been slapped. Quinn was looking at her with eyes so full of blank rage, rage that seemed to turn inward, not toward her, that he looked like a stranger. The lines on his face were hard, every muscle in his body rigid. Even the horse looked angrier, his biceps straining, tension coursing through him.
“I don’t believe that,” she said. Her voice came out a strangled whisper, her throat so tight she could hardly breathe, let alone speak.
“You don’t want to believe any of this, I know. But you made me into a man that I’m not. You lied to yourself. I told you the truth, Lark. You were convenient, honey. And I won’t deny, it wasn’t just proximity. It was a hell of a lot of fun to get your brother so worked up. But this wasn’t more than that, and I never told you it was.”
A tear ran down her cheek, and she was too horrified by it to brush it away. So she ignored it, let it fall. And let the next one fall. And the next.
“You held me last night,” she said. “You didn’t even ask for sex—you just held me.”
He shrugged his shoulders, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. “Guess I’m not as horny for you as I was in the beginning.”
She could hear him saying all these things. The words coming out of his mouth so ugly, with a grain of truth in them that landed in her sensitive, insecure places, rubbing her raw. But if she really listened, listened to the desperation running beneath the words, she could hear the truth.
“You big coward,” she said.
“What?”
“Quinn Parker, you are the biggest pansy I have ever known. You play so tough, you play so bad, but you are a scared, hurt little boy, and that’s all.” She took a deep breath. “Do you know why I see the scared? Because I know scared. Because I never had a real date or a real boyfriend, because I was too scared. Because I didn’t go to college, or get a job away from home, because I was scared. Oh, Quinn, I know scared. But I’m not scared anymore.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“No, Quinn, in this instance, I know exactly what I’m talking about. Before you, I was afraid of everything. But now . . . now I love you. And you’re rejecting me. And it hurts like a son of a bitch, I’m not going to lie. But I’m not backing down. I’m not afraid to say it. Because I would rather take chances. I would rather ride horses up to your ridge, and spend a day away from the computer. I would rather be with the man I want, and have something that I desire with my entire being, than experience a watered down version of desire with an internet connection and no risk.”
She took a deep breath and looked at him, at his face, frozen, hard. She continued. “You think you’re nothing without the rodeo, but I think you’re using that. You feel like you’re missing something, and it’s easier to pretend it’s that. But I think even with the rodeo you’re worried you don’t mean anything. That you don’t have anything. And the truth is? You don’t. As long as you reject anyone who wants to care about you, as long as you refuse to care back, you’re going to be empty inside. You have to love people. You have to let them love you. Even if it’s not me, Quinn, let someone love you.”
He took a deep breath, his chest pitching up and down. “No one loves me, Lark. Not for very long. You might think you love me now, but it’s not going to last. It never does. There’s one place in this world for me . . . and I don’t care if you don’t get that, or understand it. Because I do. And I have to get back to it. Nothing else matters. You don’t matter.”
Lark felt like he’d wrapped his hand around her heart and crushed it into a ball. “Oh, Quinn.” She closed her eyes and felt another tear fall.
And she knew he was right. That Kelsey was right. She’d lied to herself. Told herself she only needed temporary. Told herself she would be fine if she didn’t get him in the end. Told herself she believed him when he said that sex was all it would ever be.
Deep down in her heart, she’d believed he would love her. That he would see. She’d believed, in the truest part of herself, that he would be the man she would marry one day. The father of her babies.
And right now, he was standing there tearing that dream, that beautiful, untouched, half-realized dream, into tiny little pieces. Glitter around her feet. Sparkling, lovely even in its brokenness.
“I need to pack,” she said.
“Fine.” He walked over to the closet and pulled a shirt out, tugging it over his head. “I won’t run into you again. I’ll mail you your check.”
“Don’t,” she said, but before the word was out he’d slammed the door behind him.
She looked down at her bag, still filled with her clothes. She’d never unpacked. She’d just sort of lived out of her duffel. Because he’d never told her to put her things away anywhere. Because he’d never wanted her to stay.
A sob wrenched through her, and she pulled out the pile of lacy underthings and threw them on the bed, spreading them out over the comforter. She didn’t need them anymore. And he could keep them, and remember. Remember that she hadn’t ever had the chance to wear all of them for him yet.
She bent down again and found another thong, slinging it over one of the posts on the bed. And then she saw them—the Superman panties she’d been wearing during their illicit phone call.
She picked them up and traced the S. Just like Quinn had told her to imagine he’d done.
She threw them onto his pillow. Then she pulled on jeans and a shirt, zipped her bag shut and slung it over her shoulder. She surveyed her handiwork. She wasn’t leaving like she’d never been here. She’d be damned if she would leave him without a reminder. If she’d let him forget.
So let him deal with that.
She wiped another tear away and walked out of his room, closing the door behind her. She went down the stairs and out of the house, heading toward her car. And she refused to look back.
She’d spent too much of her life looking back. Being sad. Being scared. That wasn’t her anymore.
Quinn could stay behind and embrace all that fear, but that wasn’t her anymore.
Quinn had changed her. Too bad he’d also left a Quinn-shaped hole inside of her.