“Sounds good. Let’s do it!” Her eyes had shone in that adventurous way she had, and I’d known right then and there that this girl would be my undoing. Gorgeous, sexy, horny, and ready to have a good time at the drop of a hat…she was pretty much me with boobs.
When the carriage driver told me how much the ride was, I’d almost reconsidered, but Anna had been cooing at the horse and making kissy faces; I paid him without a second thought. Holding a hand out for her, I helped her into the carriage. It smelled, but Anna was smiling so much, I hadn’t cared. We could have been sitting in the middle of a sewage treatment plant and I would have been happy. And turned on. The curve of her sultry lips went straight to my libido.
The driver flicked the reins, and the horse began its pointless journey. With the distinctive clip-clop of its hooves against the road as our background music, Anna and I leaned back in the seat and relaxed. Pulling her tight to my side, I’d tried to ignore the emotion swelling in my chest. It was just a by-product of the surroundings. I wasn’t developing feelings for her. She was a great lay—no, an amazing lay—one I wanted to experience over and over again, one who made every other girl seem like a floundering virgin…but that was all she was to me. Sex.
God, I’d been such a fucking idiot.
Looking back on the moment now, it was easy to label the emotion that had begun to bubble that night. I’d been falling in love with her, and I would have done anything to avoid admitting that. It was so cliché, overused, and…mainstream. I hated the word on principle. Even now, I never…
I stared at my plate as empty realization hit me. I never tell her I love her. She’d even called me on it, and I hadn’t changed my pattern. Why was it so hard for me to say that word? To her. To my kids. To my family. To my band…Was I rebelling against something that didn’t need to be rebelled against? Maybe the word was overused…but maybe that was because it was the only word that accurately described how important someone was. Not saying it was like trying to pretend the sun didn’t exist by staying indoors all the time—ridiculous and futile. Even without acknowledging it, I’d still experienced it that night, and if I were honest, I’d experienced it every night after. I was experiencing it now, only now the feeling was laced with pain, because the girl of my dreams wasn’t sitting beside me in that carriage anymore. She was completely out of reach.
We’d ended up staying in the carriage for the entire loop, and somewhere around the halfway point we’d started kissing. No girl I’d ever kissed before had felt like Anna. She had the softest lips…But I had kissed girls with soft lips before. With Anna, it was more than that. It was like her lips had been specifically molded for mine. Like we were yin and yang, broken apart and separated by thousands of miles. But we’d found each other again, and when our bodies met…it was fireworks.
That night had been warm, her fingers stroking my stomach under my shirt had been invigorating, and the threads of her hair blowing across my face had been intoxicating. The night had been perfect. And when we’d finally made it back to my car, I’d driven her to her apartment and we’d fucked like bunnies. It had been just one of the many incredible evenings I’d had…with my best friend. My soul mate, if such a thing existed. And now…
“You okay, Griffin? You haven’t eaten anything, and from what I remember of having meals with you, you were always the first one done. You were usually the one digging into dessert while everyone else was only halfway through.” Dustin laughed, then smiled at me.
I couldn’t even fake a smile in return, not after that memory. “Yeah…guess I’m just not hungry. Long day.” Pushing my plate away, I stood from the table. “Thanks for the meal, Mom. I just can’t eat.”
After she nodded at me, I trudged to my room, closed the door, then sat on the bed.
I’d never felt this defeated and depressed before, and I really didn’t have anyone to share it with. Chelsey was the one I felt most comfortable talking to, but now that Dustin was back…They’d been apart so long, I didn’t want to keep them apart even longer, not for my pathetic shit. And Chelsey wasn’t the one I really wanted to be talking to anyway. No, who I really wanted was my best friend.
Pulling out my cell phone, I stared at it for twenty minutes. I’d really had a crap day, and hearing Anna’s voice right now sounded like a great reprieve. Assuming she had anything nice to say to me, that was. Eventually we had to talk about…us…right? Might as well get it over with. But what if her solution to this was to end it? What if she was happier without me? Or what if she just wanted some space, and me bugging her drove her over the edge? I had no fucking clue what I was supposed to do and what I wasn’t supposed to do. I was in completely foreign waters, and I was drowning.