She squeezed me tight, which was a good thing, because I was sure I looked pretty damn guilty at the moment. Pulling back, she asked, “So when is the show going to be on?”
Not able to meet eyes with her, I swished my hand and looked around for my coat. “Uh, January, I think. I don’t know yet…I gotta go, babe.” I felt sick as I left the house, and I even dry-heaved in the driveway, but I didn’t have a choice. I needed time, and now I had until January. Hopefully by then I’d have something better lined up.
Auditioning was tougher than I thought, and after going to a few of them, I had to give my brother Liam props. I had no idea what I was doing, and that was plain as day to the people running the auditions. In fact, I was beginning to wonder if Harold would have given me Ace’s part if he’d bothered auditioning me for it. By the way I was being ripped apart on an almost daily basis, I doubted it.
Every day, I was getting more and more frustrated. And every day, I avoided my wife as much as I could. I left for my “job” early in the morning and got back home as late as I could. I even went “in” on the weekends to avoid being at home. I just couldn’t handle the feeling in my stomach whenever I was around my family. It was like my gut was lined with razor blades, and every time they looked at me with pride in their eyes, my muscles clenched and those blades sliced me open. I couldn’t take it, so I made sure I wasn’t around.
Since I didn’t actually have a job, and I couldn’t fill up all the hours in the day with auditions, I hung out a lot. I went to bars, strip clubs, all-you-can-eat buffets…wherever I could veg for hours at a time. I even drove to Vegas once…or twice. Anything to occupy my day. Sometimes I shopped, and then I’d leave the trinkets for Anna and the girls around the house, for them to find while I was “working.” The small gestures helped alleviate my guilt, and Anna always texted me smiles and kisses after she found them, but she didn’t like how much I was gone.
“I never see you anymore. I know what you’re doing is important…but they are going to let you come home every once in a while, aren’t they?”
I sighed into the phone as I sipped on my beer. I was such a fucking dick. “Work comes first, babe, you know that. But don’t worry…they’ll give me time off for the holidays.” God, I was beginning to give Matt a run for his money in the douche of the year category.
Anna sighed too. “So in two months, I’ll see you?”
“Milfums…it’s temporary, you know that.”
“I know…Dilfums. Kill it today, okay? Then hurry home to me. I am so bored here without you. Carl can be entertaining at times, but he’s not you.”
I forced myself to laugh at her comment. “Yeah, I know he’s not…no one is. I gotta go, babe, I’m getting called on set.” I cringed as Anna said goodbye and hung up the phone. The bartender gave me a raised eyebrow but thankfully didn’t comment on my obvious lie. Since I had nowhere to go for another eight hours, I ordered another beer. Damn it. How long could I keep avoiding my life?
Around midnight, I made my way home. I felt like shit when I walked through the door. This sucked. I’d been poised for greatness, and now my life no longer had direction. The only thing in front of me was a looming deadline of the shit hitting the fan, and I’d always sucked with deadlines. I had no clue what to do, and I wasn’t used to that feeling.
Since childhood, I’d always known what my destiny was—fame. And once I’d found the D-Bags, I hadn’t questioned my life or the road I was on. I’d known I was on a skyrocket to success, and all I’d had to do was stay the course. But then I’d gotten there and realized it wasn’t what I’d thought it would be. It was like my path had been parallel to the path I’d wanted, so I’d gotten off it. And now that I was off that path, for the first time ever, I was questioning my choices, and I was beginning to wonder if my view of that original path had been skewed. Maybe it hadn’t been so bad after all. Maybe I could still climb back onto it? All I needed was a hand to help me up…
Without allowing a moment to second-guess myself, I headed to the kitchen and picked up the phone to make a call. I dialed a number that I hadn’t dialed in ages, and when a familiar voice answered, I had to swallow the knot blocking my throat. Then I wrapped myself in an armor of nonchalance. This was no big deal. Yes, it was. “Hey, Matt…good you’re up. It’s me, Griffin.” There was silence on the other end for so long that I almost thought he’d hung up on me. “You still there?”
“Yeah, I’m still here. Although I’m wondering why. I should hang up right now and block your number.”
The frostiness in his voice got under my skin, but I did my best to ignore it. “Are you still cross with me for decking you? Is that why you snubbed me at your wedding? Come on, man. That was forever ago.”