She looked stressed by this conversation, and with everything on her plate right now, what with my family and the new baby, I kind of felt like a selfish dick for adding to her hardships. I knew she thought of the band as family, and she wanted me to suck it up so we could all be happy. But we weren’t. Not really. Matt, Evan, and Kellan were happy, but I was stuck. There was nothing I could do about it though. Nothing but bitch, and that wasn’t getting me anywhere.
The look in her eyes was making my stomach twist into a knot, and I felt like Sam had me in a stranglehold, but…being stuck in a rut that I couldn’t get out of felt worse. Would she stay with me if I jumped this track? I didn’t know for sure, and that scared the shit of me. Wanting to be honest, I quietly told her, “I don’t know, Anna. I just don’t know.”
Anna started patting my knee and nodding, almost obsessively. “It’s okay. We’ll come up with something together. Just don’t…don’t do anything rash. Not without talking to me first, okay?”
Since there was nothing I could do at the moment anyway, I nodded. Anna’s face immediately brightened, which actually made me feel a little better. At least one of us was happy. And that would have to be enough. But even as I thought it, I knew her happiness wouldn’t be enough to tide me over forever. Something needed to change.
I skipped meeting up with the guys that night. Screw ’em. I was expecting an angry phone call, but I never got one. No calls at all. Guess we all needed a break from each other.
Anna needed a reprieve from the chaos of the house, so she’d organized a night out with some ex-coworkers from Hooters. She’d been on track to being on the chain’s management team until we’d financially sealed ourselves together. But with what I made, the paycheck there just wasn’t worth the time and effort. It made more sense for her to stay home with the kids. I think she missed it sometimes. The independence of having her own income, the adult interaction, the men ogling her, although I ogled her enough, so that shouldn’t really be a problem.
She was hesitant to leave me though, knowing I was in a mood. “I can reschedule if you want me to stay home tonight and talk some more. It’s no big deal.”
I knew that wasn’t 100 percent true though. Anna had been going stir-crazy at the house, especially with my family here. She wanted a break. She deserved a break. And…I really didn’t want to talk. “Nah, I’m fine, everything’s fine. Go have fun, you need it.”
With a smile sexy enough to be on every billboard in town, she kissed my cheek. “You’re the best. I won’t be gone long, I promise.” A few minutes later, she left, and oddly enough, without her presence near me, my mood darkened like the sun had just set.
My family wanted to chitchat, but I ignored them all and went to my room to sulk. Grabbing a tennis ball, I sat on the floor at the foot of the bed and played a game I liked to call Whack Imaginary Kellan in the Nose.
Repetitiously tossing the ball against the wall, watching it bounce on the floor, then catching it was soothing, and after a while, I stopped picturing Kellan’s face—a face that for some reason drove girls crazy—and zoned out. My mood evened as my mind dulled, and when I heard a light knock on the door, I automatically said, “Come in.”
When the door creaked open, I expected to see someone holding one of my girls with an exasperated look that said, Please take them. But instead, it was Chelsey at the door. She gave me a small wave while I resumed my peaceful habit.
Sliding onto the floor beside me, she slowly said, “So…today was interesting. What was that about with Kellan?”
Thinking about Denny’s comment—that the producers thought Kellan was the only one with talent—made my stomach roil again. When I caught the ball, I squeezed it so hard I thought it might split a seam. “Same old, same old. Everyone thinks he shits gold and the rest of us are just his backup dancers. Just once, I’d like people to notice me, ya know? Just once, I want to shine. I want…” I sighed. “I just want a chance…”
Chelsey put a hand on my shoulder. “You’ll get it. And if you don’t…does it really matter? Isn’t being the backup dancer for the biggest band on earth better than being the star of a band no one knows about? Being in a band was all you ever wanted as a kid.”
I looked her square in the eye for several longs seconds before answering. “No, it’s not enough to be second fiddle in a great band. I want both—to be the biggest star in the biggest band. I want it all.”
Chelsey looked sad as she shrugged. “Do you know the fable about the dog with a steak?”
I hated fables. They were all incomprehensible, childish rubbish. “No, but I’m positive it doesn’t apply to my life.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure. The dog in the fable has everything going for him, but he loses it all because he wants more. You might want to read it.”
With an irritated huff, I resumed throwing the ball against the wall. “Like I said, it doesn’t apply to me. I don’t want more, I just want what I deserve to have, what I should already have…” A chance to shine, a moment in the spotlight unclouded by the rest of the guys. That was it. And that wasn’t much.