I read about two lines of the childish love note and tossed it to the paper can. A week after he had written it, he broke up with me to go out with Missy Glass. She put out. I didn’t. I picked up the picture of my Grandma Joyce next. She was sitting on her porch, where I picture her, the most. She always sat on that porch, rocking for hours.
I picked up the tarnished, cross necklace next. It had been a gift from my grandma. I think it was for my birthday or maybe Christmas. I was sure that it came from Avon. I used sit on her porch and circle all the things that I wanted from the little catalogue. I had three tarnished rings, as well. I remember thinking how rich I felt when I had worn my little pink diamond to school, showing it off to my other poor friends. I kept the Christmas tree, the cheap jewelry, the two dollar bill, the picture of my grandma, and the newspaper obituary from Grandma Joyce. The rest I left in the tin and tossed it to the paper can.
I lay in bed, thinking about reconnecting with my mother. I should have kept my mind on that. I thought about how I would feel when I saw her. I was angry, and carried a lot of bitterness, not that I wasn’t grateful for getting away from that hell hole. She sold me, just like my dad had. She let the almighty dollar come before her own flesh and blood. How could she just go off and start another family when she left us behind. Why didn’t she take us with her? I already knew the answer to that. Randal Callaway was going to make sure that she disappeared.
Money does talk, no matter who it hurts.
I thought about Dawson and Drew next, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do about them. Maybe I really did need to start thinking about moving on without either of them, but I loved them. I loved both of them.
Could I ever love like that again? I just had to go and think about having sex on the peak with Drew. I moved my hand to the small of my back. The bruise still felt a little sore when I pressed on it. I could almost feel him entering me as I closed my eyes and visualized our love making on top of the world. Of course my vagina had to go and stick her nose in it too. I felt the throbbing between my legs.
I knew my body and my betraying female parts all too well. It wasn’t going to shut the hell up until I gave it what it wanted. I moved my fingers between my wet folds.
Talk about being fucked up. My mind went from Drew to Dawson. They were both fucking me as my fingers pleased my aching core. Dawson was on his back. I was on my hands and knees with Dawson in my mouth, and Drew was giving it to me up the ass. Maybe I did need therapy. I writhed beneath my fingers, frantically bringing myself to a much needed orgasm, shaking my head in disbelief at myself as I came down.
***
It was a very hot summer day. I was sticky from
walking from my room to my car. I wore a sundress which let the ocean breeze braze my skin.
I was starting to get nervous as I drove to the ferry that would take me to my mother. What if she didn’t want to see me? What if she told me to leave? What if her new family didn’t know about me? It didn’t matter. I had to do this. This was one of those parts of my life that would never be laid to rest if I didn’t. I wouldn’t stay long, just long enough to give her my two cents of what I thought about her and what she had done.
I stood outside my car and watched the waves swirl around the ferry as we crossed the bay. I was running on pure adrenalin and my stomach was in knots. I realized that I had forgotten to go down for the continental breakfast like I had planned. Why the hell did I always forget to eat when I was anxious?
It took almost forty five minutes to reach the dock, and then another forty five from Kitty Hawk to Rodanthe.
“Shut the hell up,” I yelled at the robotic GPS as I waited my turn to drive my car off the ferry. “If I turn right, you’re fucking going swimming,” I spoke to the car. I knew it was nerves.
The forty five minute drive took five minutes. I swear I was there five minutes after I had gotten off the ferry. The road that I was driving on was something that you had to experience to even know what I am talking about. I had ocean on both sides of me. It was almost surreal, and I felt like the ocean was carrying me. I just wasn’t sure what it was carrying me to. The ocean was its own, god, its own boss. Nobody manipulated the ocean, and it could bring you the upmost peace or your worse wrath. I just hoped that we had gained enough respect from each other that it was taking me to a happy place and not the vehemence that was terrifying me as I drove over top of it.
The gray beach house was beautiful with decks sticking out from all sides and angles. It was massive, almost as big as the mansion in Vegas. It was pretty secluded, and I could barely even see the closest house to it. I hated the house. I felt like it took the place of me and my little brother. It did.
I parked and walked up to the massive deck in the back of the house. I knocked on the door with my knees knocking louder, underneath my pale yellow sundress.
Nobody came. I realized that I was supposed to open the door and walk into the lobby. I did, and stopped at the desk and rang the little bell on the counter.
Breathe, Morgan, breathe…