Stupid brain injury.
I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted the dream to be real. I was sick. I was in bed, and somebody was making me drink chicken broth. He kissed my head and told me that he loved me over and over. He rubbed my naked back with his strong hands and kissed my heat fevered flesh with tiny, tender kisses. He loved me, and I loved him, but it wasn’t Drew. I couldn’t see a face. Who was taking care of me? I could hear waves. They were so close. I sat straight up squeezing the satin of my nighty in two fists on my chest. I was panting and sucking in air that wasn’t there.
“Drew,” I said in desperation as soon as I saw him enter my dark room. He was watching me sleep. I knew it.
I could picture him sitting at his desk watching the camera in my room as I slept.
He hesitated and stayed standing by my bed, not sure how to handle me. I grabbed for his t-shirt and pulled him to me. He sat down and wrapped his arms around me.
Was he afraid that I was dreaming about something that he had done?
I couldn’t get close enough to him. I needed to feel secure, but I wasn’t feeling it with him. Why?
“Tell me why you were screaming,” he pleaded.
I wasn’t screaming. I knew I never screamed. It wasn’t that kind of dream. He was watching me. He saw me sit up and suck in the unavailable air. I never screamed.
“I was screaming?” I asked, burying my face into the crook of his neck.
“Yes. How else would I have known you were having a bad dream?”
“Lay with me, Drew,” I requested. He paused but did.
I didn’t give him a choice but to hold me. I pressed my back to his front and took his arm, wrapping it around my body myself.
“What was your dream about?” he asked.
“I was sick. Somebody was taking care of me. He was making me drink chicken broth and kissing my back. I could hear waves. I was so sick, and then he left me. Was that you, Drew? Did you take care of me when I was sick?
Did you leave me?”
“I am sure that I took care of you when you were sick a time or to. Shhhh, you’re okay. Go to sleep.”
“Drew.”
“Hmm?”
“Don’t leave me,” I pleaded.
He didn’t answer, and only took a deep breath. I wanted him to kiss my hair, and tell me that he loved me the way the man in my dream did. He didn’t. He lay very still with me in his arms.
I was awake when Drew woke in the morning. I didn’t let him know that I was awake, and stayed still, lying on his chest with both of his arms securely around me. I knew he was awake when he moved his arms from me, almost like he was afraid of me or afraid of feelings that he was having for me. I felt his head move and look down at me sleeping on his chest. I wished I could see his face. He tried to slide from beneath me. I reached for him before he could leave.
“You said you wouldn’t leave,” I said opening my eyes, holding onto his wrist.
He smiled back at me. “I have to work,” he said and tried to get up. I held his wrist.
“Kiss me,” I demanded before he left.
He looked at me with a look that I hadn’t seen from him. It wasn’t the startled, afraid of me, baffled look. It was more like he was all of a sudden terrified of me. I knew that he didn’t do intimacy. I don’t know how I knew that. I just did.
I sat up and pulled myself across his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck. His right hand went to the satin on my back, and his left hand rested on my thigh. I dropped my head to his forehead and smiled at him, landing a small kiss on the corner of his lips.
“I don’t know who you are anymore, Morgan,” he admitted.
I smiled. “That’s okay, I don’t know who you are either.” He smiled and laughed a short laugh.
“I have to get ready. Derik is going to be here wondering where I am.”
“Tell him you were making love to your wife,” I offered, getting another smile, but no response to my request.
I moved off of him, and he thought that I was going to let him up. I didn’t and brought one leg over, straddling his waist. I took matters into my own hands and kissed him. He kissed me back with a moan. I won again. He flipped me over and took me quickly in the normal missionary style.
“Now can I go work?” he asked, looking down at me once we were both spent.
I traced his lips with my finger. “Yes, you can go work. Can I take your car today?” I asked as he rolled off of me.
I could tell that he didn’t like it, but I had to get him to trust me. I had to make him know that I would come back to him every time. I would come back. I would come back unless I found out that the dark Drew that I once knew wasn’t anything more than a figment of my imagination.
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know, shopping maybe, maybe to the park and to that little Bistro café for lunch.”
“Promise me that you will stay on this side of the city? I don’t want you in all the chaos of the strip.”