“We are friends. But I love you, Beth.” There. He’d said it again. “I want to be your husband, too.”
He could see by the rising panic on her face he wasn’t going to get the answer he was looking for. And once she said no, he was going to have to cut her loose. No more playing at house from across a hallway divide.
He’d find a nice place for rent and make sure his child-support checks covered it so she and Lily could live in a real house with a nice yard. His daughter would come to visit as often as possible. She’d have a special suitcase for going to Daddy’s and he and Beth would make inane small talk when he picked Lily up and dropped her off again.
His gut ached at the thought, but he couldn’t stand life on the wrong side of the door anymore. He finally understood that old cliché so close yet so far.
“I’m tired of living across the hall from the woman I love and my daughter. Tired of having two doors and a hallway between me and my family.”
“And I’m tired of knowing I wouldn’t ever have seen you again if I hadn’t gotten pregnant. I’m tired of wondering if anything really holds us together besides Lily. And I don’t want to get married and then spend my whole marriage like Lisa, wondering if it’s not real under the surface.”
“Everything I feel for you is real, Beth.” He didn’t know how to make it any more clear than he had. “And I think we’ve proven we don’t need to marry for Lily’s sake. She’s born, she’s named, her parents are friends. If we go our separate ways, she’ll spend time with us both and be fine, just like all the other kids out there whose parents aren’t married or get divorced.”
Beth sat back down at the table and he wondered if she realized her coffee cup was still empty. “What do you mean by go our separate ways?”
“I told you I can’t go on like this anymore. And, while it’s not a big deal right now, before we know it, Lily will be up and about. She can’t live in a third-floor apartment over a bar without so much as a blade of grass to play in. It’s time to start looking for a place and the only question is whether or not I’ll be going with you.”
Her face paled. “See? I knew this would happen. Our relationship’s falling apart and now I need a new place to live.”
Only the fact that Lily was gurgling to herself in her seat kept his temper in check. “Don’t do that, Beth. Don’t make it sound like I’m throwing you out in the street. I’m talking about finding a decent house for you and the baby that you’ll be able to afford with support checks.”
“That’s not what I want from you.”
“Then what do you want?” She only shook her head, staring into the bottom of her cup. “You want things to continue on as they are, but I can’t anymore. I’m sorry. I want more.”
“I don’t think I have any more to give right now. But I don’t want… I don’t know.”
Rather than sit there and keep beating his head against the brick wall, Kevin took that as his cue to leave. He stood up and, after kissing Lily, turned to Beth, who looked as miserable as he felt. “You need to think about it for a few days and then we’ll talk again. We’re either going to have a real relationship or we’re going to go our separate ways and share custody of Lily. Let me know.”
He walked out before he could change his mind—before the sadness in her eyes made him take it all back and tell her they were okay. Because he wasn’t okay.
And if she told him it was over—that she’d decided they should go their separate ways—he might never be okay again.
***
Those are the times you need to dance in the kitchen the most. It’s good for your soul.
In the middle of the night, with the radio quietly playing a sad country song, Beth danced with her daughter in the kitchen. It was a song about love and loss and heartbreak, and she tried to keep her tears from dripping onto Lily as she swayed with her in her arms.
She missed Kevin. Even though he was in the same place he was every night, probably doing the same thing, it felt different tonight. He was just across the hall, but so very far away. And unlike the countless other times they’d danced around the subject of their relationship, she wasn’t sure he’d come back this time.
That hurt more than any of the possibilities she’d spent the last…well, almost a year considering. She’d spent so much time worrying about what would happen if she let him in and he left her, she drove him away.
Now that he was gone, she could see it. Even if they went their separate ways, as he’d said, they’d make it work. They’d maintain a good relationship and Lily would be fine, just like he’d said.
Beth was the one who wouldn’t be fine. She wanted him back.
Over the top of Lily’s head, a square of white on the counter caught her eye. It was a Jasper’s napkin and for the first time since Kevin walked out the door, she smiled.