CHAPTER FIVE
WAITING THROUGH THE concert had just about killed him.
Sitting in the grass with Brandi at his side, her body swaying in time to the music, was enough to make him crazy. But what played even more havoc with his male libido was the memory of how she’d run to him. Whatever had frightened her—and he had no doubt there was more to it than she claimed—she’d run to him. Even though she hadn’t trusted him enough to share the whole truth, it still had to be counted as progress. No wonder his mood was uncertain today. She kept throwing him off balance. It had all started with that kiss last night, a sweet little kiss that had kept him awake tossing and turning until the early morning. Since then he hadn’t been able to get his thoughts gathered.
Something had happened during that brief, all too innocent kiss. And it had to do with Brandi taking control. He’d suggested it as lark, hoping to encourage her. But it had gone beyond that. Somehow, they’d crossed some invisible boundary. He only wished he knew what it was.
Waiting through the concert had been torture enough, but compared to that, dinner was the Spanish Inquisition. He hadn’t even found the wit to complain about the damn T-bone steaks Brandi ordered, steaks that had cost enough to feed a family of four. When she finally leaned back in her seat and pronounced herself finished, he pushed away the rest of his uneaten steak and offered to do the dishes.
She shyly looked away. “No, you did the dishes last night after I went to bed. It’s my turn.”
He’d taken care of cleaning up and banking the fire just to give himself something to do. But it hadn’t worked. He’d still wanted her so much sleep wouldn’t come. All because of that one simple but explosive kiss.
He didn’t argue with her now, not when he had other things to accomplish. “Fine. You can do the dishes and I’ll go take the cover off the Jacuzzi.”
Brandi came to her feet, wringing her hands. “You don’t think anyone could see us out there, do you?”
“This cabin’s pretty isolated. And there’s no one around, but we can leave the lights off if you want.”
“No!” She blinked, then collected her control. “That is, I like the lights on. Maybe just a few dim ones.”
More secrets for him to try to decipher. But he could be patient when the end result was worth it, and this was definitely worth it. “I saw some candles in the cupboard. Will candlelight do?”
Nodding, she whispered, “Yes, that would be fine. Thank you.”
He smiled at her formality, then couldn’t help but touch her. His fingers drifted over her cheek, then catching one curl and tugging lightly. “Hurry and change into your suit. I’ll wait for you in the Jacuzzi.”
She looked relieved that she wouldn’t have to face him under the bright fluorescent lighting of the kitchen. The truth was, he’d been thinking of himself. Already, his body was anxious for the sight of her. Being in the water was more to preserve his modesty than hers.
He grabbed three fat candles from the shelf and a pack of matches. Brandi already had the two dishes scraped and returned to the basket they’d come in. All she had to do was place them back on the front porch to be picked up later. She glanced at Sebastian, her blue eyes dark with uncertainty, then smiled and left the kitchen. He went outside to get things set up.
And hopefully to get himself under control.
Fifteen minutes later, while he impatiently waited for Brandi, he realized no amount of warm churning water could ease him. His muscles felt restricted and he hummed with tension. His breathing was thick, his arousal complete. All it would take would be one small smile from her and he’d be a goner. He tilted his head back and stared up at the stars through the glass roof of the enclosed patio. Muted candlelight flickered around the deck, casting a warm mellow glow over the water…over him. But he was far from mellow.
He should have given in and taken care of his need last night. Lying in his bed, he’d given it serious thought. But finding satisfaction without Brandi hadn’t seemed right. He didn’t want to revert back to the tactics of his youth. He wanted Brandi—over him, under him—any way at all.
He heard a soft sound and his body hardened even more. He was so painfully erect, he hurt. The caress of the bubbling water only served to arouse him more, not ease him. Slowly, he shifted his gaze from the stars to the deck, searching out Brandi’s slight silhouette. She stood facing the Jacuzzi, her body curiously still, feet together, hands at her sides. Her skin shone white against the darkness of the early-evening sky and the black of her one-piece swimsuit. She was so tiny, so female. Her curves weren’t voluptuous, but they were there, and all the more enticing for being so subtle. Her hips were narrow, only slightly rounded, her legs slim. He saw her tremble and he gave her a smile.
He didn’t say a word, only held out a hand. After a long hesitation, Brandi took it. Once she’d stepped down into the water, she released his hand and moved away from him to the other side of the tub. She slowly sank into the warm water, finding the bench that circled the tub. He heard her soft sigh as the heat enveloped her.
Silence dragged on, then Sebastian levered himself up and over to her. Without asking, he positioned himself close beside her. The water sloshed around them before settling into a froth again. Brandi glanced up at him, then whispered, “Sebastian?”
“I’d like to kiss you again.” The rough, aroused gravel of his voice didn’t embarrass him. He wanted her, and he didn’t mind her knowing it.
Brandi dragged her fingers through the water, not looking at him. “I kissed you, remember?”
He smiled, though it pained him to do so. “Will you kiss me again?”
“Will you move?”
Frowning, he asked, “You want me to move away from you?” He didn’t understand her, but he wanted to. And this was her show. Much as he’d have liked to call the shots, he was leaving it all up to her.
She still hadn’t looked at him, but he caught her chin and lifted her face. “Talk to me, honey. If you don’t tell me what you want, what you need, then I can’t know. And I want to make you happy.”
He felt her sigh, felt her scoot a few inches away from him. The candles afforded enough light for him to see her face, her eyes wide, her lips slightly parted. She looked uneasy, undecided. “Brandi?”
“I want to kiss you,” she whispered, her low voice filled with embarrassment…and maybe some excitement. “But I don’t want you to touch me.”
He searched her face, trying to glean the meaning behind her words. Maybe she was just into control. If she wanted to play sex games, he was more than willing. But he had to know the rules.
When he remained silent, she pulled farther away from him. “Never mind. I’m sorry.”
“No, wait.” He caught her arm, felt her stiffen and immediately released her. “Just spell it out for me, okay? I don’t mind playing.”
Now she looked confused, but after several deep breaths, she muttered, “Remember how you sat last night? When I…I kissed you?”
He settled lower on the bench beneath the water’s level, resting on his spine. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked at her. “Like this?”
“Yes.” She half turned to face him, coming up some on her knees. “Just like that. Now don’t move.”
His jaw clenched. He didn’t know if he could take it. The black suit clung to her small breasts and narrow ribs. Her shoulders gleamed with moisture, the curls in her hair were already damp from the steam. His body throbbed in anticipation as she leaned toward him. He didn’t dare close his eyes; never had a kiss meant as much as this one.
Her right breast touched his shoulder and he could feel her stiff little nipple poking at him, making him shudder. He wanted to touch that nipple with his fingertips, tease it with his teeth and tongue, suck her deep into his mouth.
His breathing became choppy, and even though he felt foolish, he couldn’t help the instinctive response to her nearness. Her breath fanned his cheek, then his lips and then finally she kissed him.
His groan erupted despite his efforts to remain quiet. But he didn’t move. It was a measure of his control that he restrained himself. The touch of her mouth was inquisitive, cautious. He needed so badly to haul her close, to turn her so he could press over her, feel her breasts burning against his chest, feel the part of her slender thighs to cradle his erection.
But he remained immobile, only his panting breaths giving away his excitement. She leaned back.
“Sebastian? Are you okay?”
He half laughed, half groaned. “I’m so damn hot, it’s a wonder this water isn’t boiling.” He bit back the need to touch her and said instead, “You have no idea how much I want you, do you? How close I am to exploding.”
Her gaze searched his face, and he saw her incomprehension.
“Brandi, I’m a touch away from coming right here in the damn water. And right now, I’d give just about anything for that touch.”
“Oh.” Her gaze dropped to the churning surface of the water, searching.
He managed another laugh, husky and deep and persuasive. “You can’t see what I mean—but you could feel.”
Before he’d finished, she was shaking her head. “No, I can’t.”
“Why not? You’re in charge. You can do whatever you want.” He added in a soft promise, “I’m not going to move.”
She wanted to. He could tell by her unsteady breathing, by the way she stared at him as if trying to come to a decision. He didn’t dare move, afraid she’d choose to leave him. He waited, and it felt like a lifetime before her gaze dropped again and he saw her hand dip into the water.
His body vibrated with a deep groan—a response in anticipation to her touch. Her fingertips bumped against his hard thigh, then shyly slid higher to the smoother skin of his hip. His thighs parted the slightest bit; her hand moved to the inside of his knee.
He knew he was working on a hair trigger. It was no longer a matter of exquisite torture—he had lost his control.
Sebastian jerked away, unwilling to embarrass her, unwilling to be pushed so far over the edge. It was insanity the way she affected him. This wasn’t the time or place. He couldn’t rush things, not until Brandi was ready to be with him every step of the way. Whatever game she wanted to play, she’d have to play it when he was in better control.
“I thought…”
Her voice quavered, and his irritation with himself grew. “Forget it,” he rumbled, “I’m sorry, but the game is over.”
He heard a splash and turned just in time to catch Brandi’s arm. She crouched on the edge of the Jacuzzi, her face white, her eyes wide, almost wild. “Let me go.”
Startled by her vehemence, by the sound of tears in her voice, he released her. “Brandi?”
Just like that, she was gone, dashing into the house and leaving the patio door open. Though his body was still tight, his lust had died, banished by the sight of her stricken face. Sebastian frowned, then cursed viciously. The game had been hers, so why was she acting so upset?
It was past time they talked, understood each other. He needed to know what was going on, and he needed to know tonight.
He stepped out of the Jacuzzi and stripped off his sodden briefs, wringing them out and tossing them over the back of a chair before putting the cover back on the Jacuzzi. He found a towel and wrapped it around his hips. When he went into the cabin, silence greeted him. Brandi’s door was shut. He started to knock on it, to demand she talk with him, let him explain, but he decided it might be more prudent to face her with pants on and his hormones in check. This turbulent anger was almost as bad as the lust, and he needed the iron control he used on the job, the alert consciousness of every detail that made him so successful at providing personal protection.
By the time he felt he had some measure of control and had dressed again, it was late. He tapped on Brandi’s door. When he didn’t get any immediate reply, he silently turned the knob and peeked inside.
Brandi lay curled on her side like a small child, her hands tucked beneath her left cheek, the blankets pulled over her shoulders. She’d left on the bedside lamp.
Darkness. She really didn’t like the darkness. He filed away that small bit of information. To the economical man, it was a waste of money to burn a lamp all night long. But this time, his concern for her fear overwhelmed the worry of expense. He didn’t like that she had any fears at all. What he disliked most, though, was that, on some level, she seemed to fear him.
Closing the door, he decided to put off their talk for the morning. Sleep was the furthest thing from his mind, so he removed his shirt, shoes and socks, then went and settled himself on the small sofa. He used the remote to turn the television on low and found an all-night movie station.
Hours passed, and he was almost asleep, the movie forgotten, when a small, choked scream awoke him. He was on his feet in an instant, his heart pumping adrenaline. But before he could fully react, Brandi’s bedroom door flew open. She took one look at him, let out a low pain-filled moan, and came running into his arms.
BEING HELD TIGHT, feeling the solid thumping of his heart, his warm firm flesh, made her feel a little more secure. But the dream had been so horrible, especially since she hadn’t suffered through it in so long. She’d prayed the nightmare was gone for good, but it hadn’t taken much to revive it. With a sense of despair, she accepted that the horror would never truly be gone—just as she would never truly be the same person again.
She snuggled closer to Sebastian, wanting to crawl inside him, to hide herself away someplace safe. He rocked her gently, murmuring small nonsense words, and it helped so much just having him close. After several moments holding her that way, he tipped her back just a bit and smiled.
“I gather there’s no villain in your room? I don’t need to go dashing in like the white knight, after all?”
Brandi shook her head, her eyes wide on his handsome face, her mood solemn despite his gentle teasing.
“And no snake came in the window? No spiders under your covers?”
“No. No snakes, no spiders. Just boogeymen.”
“So, it was a dream?”
She was so relieved he hadn’t said just a dream, that she managed a quavering smile, too. But with the smile, she began to feel foolish. It was more than she could bear, constantly playing the immature fool in his presence. She tried to pull away, but his arms tightened. When the dream had awakened her, she hadn’t thought about what she was doing, she’d simply gone looking for Sebastian. Now she wished she’d dealt with the dream as she always had—alone.
“Shh. It’s all right, Brandi. Don’t run away from me again, okay?”
God. After their disastrous Jacuzzi experience, he had to think she was a ninny—either running to him or from him, unable to make up her mind. She dropped her forehead against his chest, fighting against the tears.
His large hand smoothed over her hair, then moved farther down her back, rubbing up and down her spine. There was nothing sexual in the touch, only comfort. “Come here.”
Before she knew what he was doing, he’d sat back on the couch and lifted her into his lap. To her surprise, the position didn’t alarm her. It felt secure and warm and cozy. Her long flannel gown was pulled tight over her knees and he lifted her an inch, adjusted her gown with an economical touch, then resettled her again, as if she were a child. It was so amazing to her how different he was from the man who only hours before had been the epitome of raw masculine lust.
With her head tucked under his chin, his arms around her and her legs draped over his own, she seemed to absorb his heat. He was so hot. And his skin… She opened her hand the tiniest bit, feeling his smooth texture, his hardness…. And then she caught herself. She had no business exploring him, leading him on again, when she couldn’t do anything about it. He’d already proven earlier tonight that he wasn’t interested in her silly brand of timid intimacy. And there was no guarantee she’d ever be able to get past the nightmares, the memories.
She started to pull away, but he gently tightened his hold. She realized he planned to keep her close for a while. She was glad, in spite of herself.
After a soft kiss to the top of her head, he said, “You want to tell me about the dream?”
“No.”
She felt his chuckle deep in his chest and some of her grim mood lifted, filled by him instead of the reality of the dream. “But I will. If you’re sure you want to hear this. I mean, it wasn’t a simple dream.”
“I didn’t think it would be.”
She sighed, wondering where to begin, and decided an apology should probably be first. “I suppose, given the ridiculous way I’ve acted, I owe you a few explanations.”
And he said, “Knock, knock? Brandi, are you in there? How many times do I have to say this?”
She heard the amused exasperation in his words and peeked up at him.
“This is your vacation, honey. Yes, I’d like to know you better, to understand you, just like I want you to know me better. But I don’t want you to feel pressured. You don’t owe me anything, especially not explanations. But if you feel up to sharing, if you want to talk, I very much want to listen. Understand?”
Pressing her cheek back to his warm chest, she nodded. The feel of his chest hair was crisp and curly and it tickled her nose. Trying to be inconspicuous, she breathed deep of his wonderful, hot male scent, and almost shivered with the pleasure of it. She could gladly spend the rest of the night just sitting here enjoying the touch and smell of him. She felt relaxed enough to doze off; for once, the nightmare had quickly faded from her mind. But despite what he’d said, there were explanations to give.
Sebastian continued to stroke her, adding to her languor. “You haven’t acted ridiculously, Brandi. Granted, I haven’t understood everything that’s happened, but I never thought you were ridiculous. Don’t use that word again.”
“Yes, sir.”
He gave her a chiding squeeze for her smart mouth, then kissed the top of her head, her temple.
Brandi knew he was waiting, that he wouldn’t pressure her. Without thought, she twined her fingers in his chest hair and pressed her nose a little closer while she searched her mind for the right words.
“Brandi?”
“When I was eighteen, I was raped.”
It felt as though the world stopped. She probably shouldn’t have just blurted it out like that, but how else did you tell such a thing? Sebastian didn’t breathe, didn’t move. Even the solid, comforting beat of his heart seemed to pause. She was used to that reaction, had felt it with her parents and her sister, Shay. Silent shock, disbelief. A mental distancing, because the truth was ugly and real and people didn’t want to share that reality. It left them floundering for the right words, made them uncomfortable.
A familiar lump formed in her throat and she started to shake, but suddenly Sebastian had a hand buried in her hair and it seemed he held her even closer without really moving. His head came down so that his cheek pressed into hers and it seemed as if he were surrounding her, protecting her, as if he could give her his strength.
Brandi drew a shuddering breath. “I know you don’t want to hear the details….”
“Yes, I do.” His voice was hoarse, and when she leaned back to look at him, his expression was stark. One big, hot hand cupped her cheek, his rough thumb smoothing over her cheekbone. “It’s bothering you tonight or you wouldn’t have had the dream. That is what the dream was about, wasn’t it?”
With a tiny nod, she whispered, “I used to have the nightmare all the time, whenever I went to sleep. But over the years, it’s gotten better. Now, I hardly ever have it. But I guess with what happened today…”
Sebastian drew a long breath. He lowered his head until their brows touched. His dark lashes swept down to hide his eyes and in a rough whisper, he said, “You mean what I did in the Jacuzzi?”
“No! Well, that is, I didn’t like what happened tonight, but the dream was brought on because of those men when we were shopping, not because you rejected me.”
His head snapped back up. The light of the television reflected on his face, in his eyes. They were wide-open now and boring into her. “Rejected you? Is that what you think happened?”
She should have been embarrassed, but his incredulous look kept her from feeling anything but defensive. “I know you asked me to touch you. And I would have. I wanted to. But when I took so long, fumbling around and acting like a schoolgirl, you changed your mind.”
“God, no.” He kissed her forehead, her nose, quick kisses of apology. “No, I just… Brandi, I think there’s a lot of things I didn’t understand, but none of it was your fault. Hell, I’m supposed to be trained to pick up on stuff. But I’ve been a typical male idiot, ruled by my hormones and little else.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
His grin was self-derisive. “I thought you were playing a game.”
Her eyes searched his. “A game?”
After a big sigh that expanded his chest and drew her attention there again, he said, “We’ve got a lot of talking to do, I think. Would you like some coffee or hot chocolate?”
She considered that, then shook her head. “I like sitting here. I like…seeing you like this.” To explain, she smoothed a hand over his firm broad chest, up his hard muscled shoulders, then to his rough jaw, enjoying the rasping feel of his whiskers on her fingertips.
His eyes closed and he gave her a lopsided grin. “You can stay here all night, okay?” So saying, he sat back on the couch and cuddled her close again. After a second, he laughed, but the sound wasn’t one of amusement.
“Brandi, I have to tell you what I thought, so we can clear the air. I don’t know any tactful or gentle way to put it, so consider this my apology up front, all right?”
She braced herself for a rejection and nodded. After all, what man wanted a woman who’d been through what she had, who’d been permanently affected by the ordeal? It had taken her years, but she’d gotten her life back in order—all except for the intimacy. And she didn’t know if she’d ever be the same as other women in that regard.
With his eyes closed, his head resting back against the couch, Sebastian looked utterly relaxed. “I hope I don’t embarrass you, but today in the Jacuzzi, if I’d let you touch me, I’d have come.”
Brandi swallowed hard, but thankfully Sebastian still didn’t look at her. He shrugged his big shoulders and went on, as if he hadn’t just said something so incredibly personal and sexually intimate.
“I didn’t want to do that. Not unless and until I was inside you, where I’ve wanted to be almost since I first set eyes on you.” He rolled his head toward her and lazily opened his eyes. “What happened tonight wasn’t a rejection, it was self-preservation. You were killing me, being so sweet and seductive and so damn sexy. I can’t even look at you without getting hard. By now, I’ve been hard so long it wouldn’t take much to set me off.”
He waited for her reaction, his gaze warm and patient. Feelings swamped her—excitement, anticipation…pride. Sebastian, the most gorgeous, incredible man she’d ever known, wanted her. And then reality and remorse hit her at once. She wanted to look away, to shield herself, but that would be cowardly. So she faced him and gave a small, regretful shake of her head.
“I’m sorry. I don’t think I can…. I want to. I love kissing you and touching you. I haven’t done that, not with any man, since the rape. The fear…” She stopped to draw a shuddering breath, to compose herself and finish what she was trying to tell him. He deserved to know everything. “It comes out of nowhere, when I don’t expect it. I get these panicky feelings. I try to push them back, but I can’t.”
A gentle smile tipped up the corners of his mouth. “Except maybe when you’re in complete control? Like when you kissed me by the fire?”
“Yes. I wasn’t afraid then. You said I could call the shots and I trusted you to stick to the deal. When I told you not to move, you didn’t. If you had grabbed me, or even held me like this, I might have panicked.”
“It doesn’t bother you now that I’m holding you?”
“No. We’re not kissing. You don’t look the same now as you did then.”
“You mean aroused?”
She nodded, feeling shy in spite of all that they’d discussed. “You have this look, like you did in the Jacuzzi, as if you want to devour me.”
“A damn good description.” He lifted his hand to her cheek again and Brandi noticed that he trembled. She enjoyed the way he kept touching her, so gently, so carefully. And how he’d pressed those soft kisses to her face, not sexual kisses, just…touching. As if he couldn’t help himself.
He sat up and cupped her face fully in both palms. “I want you to know, not just for this vacation, not just for the five days, but for as long as you know me, as long as you need to, you’ll always call the shots. I couldn’t stand it if I made you uneasy. If I do anything, say anything, just tell me. You can be honest with me. But I don’t want to have to worry that I’m screwing up and don’t know it.”
She nodded again, unable to believe what she was hearing. “Does that mean you want to keep on…”
“Kissing you? Touching you? Damn right.”
“You’re not…disgusted? That I was raped, I mean. Or that I’m still carrying my fears.”
“God, no.” He hugged her tight. “Brandi, I won’t lie and say I don’t wish I could find the bastard who hurt you. I’d gladly kill him with my bare hands. But you’re not responsible for what he did. And your reservations now seem perfectly normal to me.”
“Do you…do you really want to hear about it?”
Still holding her, he said, “I want to know everything about you. What makes you smile, what makes you cry. What makes you happy, what makes you sad. I want to know your dreams and your nightmares, because it’s all part of who you are.”
She licked her lips, trying to decide where to begin. Borrowing his tactic, she closed her eyes and just said the truth. “There were three men, not one.”
“God.” His entire body trembled, then tightened around her.
She heard him swallow, felt his deep breaths. But he didn’t say anything else, and she had no clue as to how he felt at that moment, how he might actually react to her very ugly truths. She breathed evenly, calming her mind, calming her heart. Then decided, why not? Perhaps learning it all would repulse him, but then at least she’d know, and it would be over with. Somehow, from the beginning, Sebastian had been able to reach inside her to draw out emotions and feelings she hadn’t known still existed. If he was going to take those feelings away, it would be easier now than later.
She pasted on a false smile, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to look at him. She would hurry through this, get it over with, then accept the consequences.
“My family and I were aboard a cruise ship in the Caribbean—the last vacation I’ve taken until now. It was supposed to be fun. I was feeling very grown-up—I’d just turned eighteen—almost a woman, so I flirted. With the wrong men. It was exciting, at least until I started to get tired. I left my parents and Shay at a party on the upper deck and went back to our stateroom. I didn’t know it then, but the men had followed me. And because I thought Shay would be the only one coming in, I hadn’t checked the door. One of my shoes was in the way and it hadn’t closed tight. The men didn’t even have to knock.”
It was getting harder and harder, and it had been so long since she’d rehashed the details. Her chest hurt and her throat felt ready to close. She became aware that Sebastian was stroking her again. She felt his strength and, at the moment, she needed it.
Everything was blurred and she realized that in spite of her resolve, tears had welled in her eyes.
“I yelled and yelled, but they’d slipped in while I was asleep, and I didn’t wake up until the door was closed tight behind them. No one heard me screaming. And they were already on me. They…they called me names. And they slapped me, because I wouldn’t stop crying and screaming.”
Sebastian lifted her hand to his mouth and held it there against his parted lips. She could feel his teeth, the quickness of his breath. He remained silent, though, and she waited. Waited for questions, for suspicions. There were none.
“No one knew what had happened till the next day. Shay and I were sharing the cabin, but when she came in, I couldn’t quite bring myself to tell her about it. I should have. It was so stupid of me to just lie there. But I felt numb, almost dead. And so ashamed and dirty and embarrassed. It felt easier to pretend it hadn’t happened. Shay assumed I was sleeping. And very early the next day, when we stopped in a port, the men got off. I never saw them again.”
Sebastian tapped her knuckles against his mouth, his grip on her hand almost bruising. When at last she looked at him, his eyes were closed, his head bent slightly forward. The muscles in his neck and shoulders were taut, straining. His nostrils flared with every breath he took. But he held still, her hand wrapped securely in his. Her body was bathed in his warmth as he cradled her close on his lap.
It wasn’t quite as hard talking to him about it as she’d thought it would be, and she realized with a start that having Sebastian holding her had made all the difference. It wasn’t like explaining to the authorities, who had bombarded her with questions while they paced around the room. Or the therapist, who sat there in her chair, looking so cold and detached, despite her sympathetic expression, waiting for Brandi to give away an emotional revelation so she could dissect it and find a cure. Even her parents and Shay hadn’t been able to just listen. Always they came up with unnecessary apologies and guilt. They’d look at each other, their expressions wounded. She’d always ended up feeling guilty for making them so unhappy.
“At first, my parents were kind of shocked, then so angry. Not at me, but they didn’t understand why I hadn’t told them what happened. They wanted the men really bad. Thinking back on it, I’ve decided it was the only reaction they could have had. They made demands of the captain, who asked around and found out I’d been flirting with the men. He didn’t accuse me, but he told my parents that I had to learn to be more careful, that you couldn’t trust anyone anymore. And he was right. I shouldn’t have flirted with strangers. And I should have spoken up right away—but at the time, I just…couldn’t. Besides, we were in international waters, there was nothing anyone could do.”
“Brandi.”
There was a wealth of tenderness in the way he spoke her name, but his jaw was rigid, his eyes cold and hard. He looked the same as her parents had—distraught, disgusted. She tried to pull her hand free, but he again pressed it to his mouth, leaving the touch of a hot kiss on her wrist.
Feeling as if she might crumple up and fall away, she asked with a touch of sheltering sarcasm, “Are you happy now that you know it all?”
He wiped a lingering tear from her cheek. “I’m glad you told me, yes. But I’m not happy. I’m probably the most miserable bastard alive.”
“Because you’re stuck on this vacation with me? No one says we have to spend the time together.”
“Oh, Brandi.” He shook his head at her in a chiding way. “That’s not what I meant.”
“No?” Her whole body trembling, she pulled her hand free to wrap her arms around her middle. It was an old habit, one she’d broken herself of, but she fell back on it instinctively. In this situation it was ludicrous, given she was sitting on Sebastian’s firm lap. Suddenly she felt cold from the inside out. “I made all the wrong choices, one mistake after another. You must think I’m an idiot.”
He ran a hand over her hair, then down her back, moving her just a tiny bit closer to his bare chest. His look was tender and direct and filled with emotion. “The truth, remember?”
She said, “Of course,” even though she didn’t know if she could bear the truth.
His eyes were sad, but he gave her a small, sweet smile. “What I think is, you’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met.”