“Oh my God, I just had the best idea ever!” Liz shouts as she yanks the umbrella out of Gavin’s hand and pulls the bra off of his head while Gavin lets out a groan of protest.
“Seriously, dude. I’m saving your life right now. Your mom already has a picture of you with women’s underwear on your head. Do you really want to try and get laid in high school when there’s a picture of you with a bra on your head too? I just saved your social life. Tell Auntie Liz thank you,” she tells him as she tosses the bra onto a table and leans the umbrella against another.
“I know what getting laid means. Dad told me and it’s gross. I’m never doing that,” Gavin complains.
“Wait, let me get my video camera out,” Claire states as she digs in her purse again for her cell phone. “Say that again, slowly.”
“Mommy, I wanna laid!” Veronica shouts from the stroller.
“Me too! I wanna laid! I wanna strawberry laid!” Molly screams in delight.
“This is disturbing, and yet funny at the same time,” Liz states. “Anyway, back to my fantastic idea!”
Claire and I finish paying our bills and attempt to quiet the girls screaming about wanting laid, using bribery of candy as a last resort.
“Okay, what’s this great idea,” Claire asks as we make our way out of the store.
“Well, you feel like you and Drew have grown apart and don’t really know each other anymore, correct?” she asks me.
“Yeah,” I say sadly.
“Do you guys remember that old game show 'The Newlywed Game' from like the seventies?”
Claire nods and gets a huge smile on her face. “Oh my gosh, Liz, you are a genius! That is the best idea ever.”
I look at them questioningly as we walk towards the food court.
“I don’t understand. We’re not newlyweds. How is this going to help us? Do we have to get married again or something? I don’t know if I’ll be able to fit into my wedding outfit again if that’s the case.”
“Your wedding outfit was a white tube top, a pair of white boy shorts and white thigh-high stockings. I’m pretty sure anyone could fit into your wedding outfit,” Liz states as we find a table and try to figure out what the kids want for lunch. “No, there is no remarrying that needs to happen. 'The Newlywed Game' is answering questions about yourself and seeing if your partner gets them right. It’s a great way to see how compatible two people are.”
This sounds scary. Drew and I always used to know each other well but not lately. What if we completely blow this game and it only makes things worse between us?
“I don’t know guys. What if he gets every single question wrong? That’s just going to depress me more,” I tell them.
“Trust me, this will work. You will see once and for all that you and Drew have not grown apart as much as you think,” Liz tells me.
“This is going to be so fun! I’m officially scheduling a game night for two weeks from now,” Claire announces.
“Clear your schedules and get sitters. This is an ‘adult only’ night,” Liz adds.
We get lunch for ourselves and the kids and discuss how the game will work while we eat. I don’t know whether I’m nervous or excited. I just hope this whole thing doesn’t throw up in my face.
Chapter 23 – Zombie Apocalypse
“I don’t know if this is a good idea,” Jim states nervously.
“Don’t be a *. This is the best idea ever. If the girls can do it and live through it, so can we. Do you really want your wife to go around telling people she did this before you? Get your balls out of her purse and man up,” I tell Jim.
Liz is at a meeting with her buyer and left Jim in charge of the store for a few hours before we have to be at work. Not a very wise decision on her part considering the last time she left Jim alone at the store, we rearranged her front window display with naked female mannequins having an orgy. So really, whatever happens here this evening is Liz’s fault for trusting Jim to behave.
Carter had mentioned the other night how he’s never been maced and we found out that none of us had. It’s embarrassing that all of our wives have been through something horrific like that and we haven’t. So, I devised a plan. An evil, genius plan.
“Alright, there’s no one back in the porn room. Who’s going to do the honors?” Carter asks as he emerges from the hallway next to the counter.