But tonight, I am going to fix it all. I am bringing sexy back, bitches!
I can’t take one more night of playing pull and tug with SpongeBob. Aside from the fact that I’ve watched every single YouPorn video ever made—twice—I’ve also read every story on Erotica dot com, and when I started reading the stories just to see how they ended instead of for the sex scenes, I knew I was in deep shit.
I've spent the last few weeks trying to come up with the perfect plan. Carter had suggested I sit down and talk to Jenny about what’s bothering me but that just seems like something a chick would do. I don’t need to cry and talk about my feelings. I just need to have sex with my wife.
I’m too nervous to do anything but sit on the couch and stare at the door. At nine o’clock, Jenny’s car pulls in and she's unlocking the front door.
“Where are the kids?” she asks as she closes the door behind her and glances around the living room.
“I put them to bed already,” I tell her proudly.
Jenny is always nervous about leaving me home alone with the kids at bedtime. I seriously think she expects to come home to our daughter’s hair dyed green from lime Kool-Aid and our son sucking on a black Sharpie after painting his face with it. That's only happened once but you’d think I burned the house down or sold them on the black market. And really, the fact that a three month old can draw a perfect Hitler 'stache on his upper lip and a Harry Potter lightning bolt on his forehead without a mirror is just fucking awesome.
I don’t miss the smile falter from her face when she realizes the kids are already asleep and she won’t get to do it herself. She rarely, if ever, misses a chance to bathe the kids and read a bedtime story to them.
I remember a time when she never missed a blow job. Ahhhhh, memories.
“Did you have a good time with the girls?”
She shrugs as she puts her purse and coat on the table in the foyer.
“It was okay. I wasn’t up for drinking so Claire and Liz probably thought I was a board.”
“You mean, they thought you were a bore?” I ask.
“I’m too tired to care,” she says, flopping down onto the couch next to me and resting her head on the back cushions.
Shit! Claire and Liz had one job and one job only - get my wife drunk. I needed her drunk for this to work! They are so fired the next time I see them. Oh well, looks like we’re doing this sober.
“I’ve got a surprise for you. Go on upstairs to our room and get comfortable,” I tell her with a wink.
She looks at me funny for a minute and then pulls herself slowly off of the couch and makes her way up the stairs.
I sit on the couch practically bouncing up and down with excitement. I am like a kid on Christmas. I absolutely cannot wait for her to get upstairs and see what I did. Even sober I know she will appreciate this awesome gift. This is going to fix everything. I can feel it. With one awesome purchase from Liz’s sex toy shop, I am going to cure the dry spell in our marriage. I am so fucking awesome I can’t even stand it. She’s going to take one look into the bedroom and announce that I should be nominated for Husband of the Year. I’ll graciously accept the nomination and act like I have no idea just how amazeballs I am.
I’ll probably need a speech and a tux, because you know, I’m kind of a big deal. “I’d like to thank the little people. And by little people, I mean the people out there still not having sex, who aren’t the shiznit like I am.”
I hear Billy let out a cry from his nursery, and I’m not gonna lie, I almost run up the stairs to ask him what the fuck he thinks he's doing. I've given him strict orders that he's not to make a sound after he went to sleep. It's like this kid didn’t understand a word I said.
Billy’s cries stop after a few seconds, and I say a silent prayer of thanks and give myself a reminder to buy him a new toy tomorrow to apologize for almost going into his room and calling him a cock blocking asshole.
I’m a little concerned that I haven’t heard Jenny let out a happy scream yet, but I figure she just doesn’t want to scare the kids or anything. Perfectly understandable. She’s containing her excitement and waiting for me to come upstairs so she can thank me properly with her mouth on my schwantz. I approve of this message.
After I give Jenny a few more minutes to enjoy the surprise and get situated, I jump up from the couch, and take the stairs two at a time in haste to get to our room.
I run down the hallway with a grin on my face and push open the door to our bedroom with a raging hard-on just thinking about the night to come. I stop dead in my tracks at what I see and am unable to form any words that can describe the horror show happening right this very second.
“Drew, this is the best present ever! I love it!” Jenny whispers. “And the candles?! Oh my gosh, it’s the perfect lighting to do this!”