“Everything.”
Curtis wasn’t sure what to reply to that. “All I’m saying is, I don’t want to treat you like a…whatever the equivalent of a mistress might be.” Curtis reached out tentatively to touch him. Daniel didn’t pull away, but he didn’t respond either. “Look, if it’s that you don’t want to see me in London, for God’s sake say so. I don’t mean to be a nuisance.”
“It’s not that.” Daniel let out a long sigh. “Oh, for— Listen, Curtis.”
“I wish you’d call me Archie.”
“This has been the devil of a week, and you’ve come to some rather rapid conclusions. I suspect that when you return to London this will all seem like a nightmare, or an aberration, or at the least a very poor idea.”
“Daniel—”
“I’m still talking.”
“Of course you are.”
Daniel gave the barest twitch of a smile. “The thing is, you are a gentleman. In the true meaning of the word. I don’t want you to feel bound by anything you’ve said, or to resent me because you shouldn’t have said it. I don’t want you to put yourself in a corner. And I won’t be blamed for it if you do.”
Curtis said, with some force, “I am not your bloody duke.”
“Son of a duke.”
“More like son of a—” Curtis stopped himself, remembering the fellow was dead. “That is, don’t assume I’ll behave like a cad.”
“I don’t want you to behave like a gentleman. Not if it means honouring a commitment you shouldn’t have made. You’re not in the habit of going back on your word, are you?”
“No, and I don’t change my mind a great deal, either.”
“You seem to have changed it about what you want recently,” Daniel pointed out. “You might wish to change it back.”
That’s my affair, Curtis wanted to say, but of course it wasn’t only his, not if Daniel cared what he felt. Not if Daniel was afraid to let him come close for fear of being pushed away.
“You’re not the first man I’ve been with,” he said abruptly. “I’ve done plenty of things before. I’ve never found a woman I felt fond of, in that way. Damn it, I’ve never kissed a woman of my own class.”
Daniel blinked. “You’re not serious.”
He was. He’d had a few unsatisfactory encounters with ladies for hire, but had never felt the urge to pursue a flirtation that would lead to commitment. Waiting for the right woman, he’d told his uncles, but he’d been quite content to wait, because the prospect of marriage had seemed as dry and joyless as the rest of his future. “I haven’t changed my mind about myself. I’ve just—failed to consider matters until now. I never had to, in the army.” He paused, then said, with more difficulty than he’d expected, “I had someone. My lieutenant.”
“He was your lover?”
“Oh—well…” The word sounded extraordinary in the context of George Fisher. He’d been a redheaded sunburnt fellow, a comrade in arms, a friend. “He was my tentmate. We used to, you know. This sort of thing.”
“May I suggest you use verbs and nouns? They won’t change what happened, and you might even become more accustomed to things.” Daniel sounded, not entirely unsympathetic, but a little dry. “I’m not asking you to speak about private matters, but if you are going to speak about them, do use words.”
Curtis gritted his teeth. “All right, if you must. We tossed each other off sometimes, and it wasn’t something we discussed, just something we did. He didn’t talk all the damned time, and I never really thought about it, what with being rather busy with the Boers. He wasn’t my lover. It wasn’t like that.” Curtis had never kissed Fisher, never felt the urge. He wondered if Fisher might have wanted him to. “But he was my friend, my companion, and he died when the Lafayette gun I’d given him exploded. He bled to death while I watched—” He stopped, the lump in his throat choking him.
Daniel’s fingers closed on Curtis’s right hand, over the scarred knuckles. “I’m sorry.” He said nothing else, and Curtis breathed out evenly, over the tightness in his lungs.
“Anyway. That was how things were out in South Africa. And it hasn’t been an issue since then. The last year or so has been…” A living death, he wanted to say, but that was hardly fair on Daniel. “Tiresome. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that I wanted anything, from anyone. But when I did, now I look at it, it’s always been with men. Nothing’s changed. You must think I’m a bloody fool.”
“That’s not what I was thinking.” Daniel massaged the bridge of his nose. “Oh Lord, I don’t know. Very well. Make me a promise.”