CHAPTER FIVE
How long did it take to write in a damn diary?
Ethan hesitated outside the spare bedroom door, one hand raised to knock. He heard the clack of computer keys and for one horrible moment wondered if maybe Autumn’s diary was one of those blog things. Hell, he hoped not. The last thing he needed was for details of his private life to be exposed to the world – especially the details of the last 24 hours.
“Autumn?” He rapped his knuckles on the door. “You still in there?”
“Uh…yeah!” He heard the snap of her laptop shutting and the pad of her feet as she approached the door. She opened it a crack.
“It’s been an hour. You aren’t sitting there telling our story to the whole world, are you?” He craned his neck to see into the room.
Her eyes went wide. “What?”
“You’re not one of those bloggers, are you? Or one of those video people?”
She cocked her head. “You think I’m writing an online diary?”
“Are you?”
“No. I’m just emailing a friend.”
“Can I come in?” She looked hot, peeking up at him like that. Just being this close to her made him want to touch her cheek, or better yet…
“Give me one minute to pack all this up and I’ll meet you in the kitchen.”
“How about meeting me in the bedroom?”
A tiny smile quirked her lips and desire raced through his bloodstream. “Let’s meet in the kitchen first.”
She shut the door gently but firmly, and he sighed, frustrated she didn’t seem as eager to be with him as he was to be with her. He retreated to the kitchen and grabbed himself a beer from the fridge.
A minute later she joined him, taking a seat at the table. She looked nervous; she was playing with her new ring, twisting it around and around her finger.
“I know this is going to sound weird, and I don’t want it to be, but I feel like I have to say it,” she began.
Oh hell, if this was going where he thought it was going, he was just going to have to pack it in. First his parents’ death, then the discovery of the debt, then Lacey’s abandonment and now this woman, who’d managed to worm her way into his heart in less than 24 hours, was going to break up with him? And probably wanted to keep the ring for a souvenir?
“I don’t think we should sleep together anymore until the wedding,” she blurted out.
Ethan hesitated. That wasn’t what he’d expected. Sure, he’d thought about slowing things down, too. Hadn’t he said as much to Rob? But that was before their picnic. “Come again?” he said.
“Sex. I don’t think we should have sex until we’re married.” She bit her lip, her expression pleading with him to understand. To not get mad.
“Let me get this straight,” Ethan finally said. “You came out here to get married. You had sex with me – made love to me – within hours of meeting me, and again at lunch time today. Why the sudden change of heart?”
“It’s just…” she scanned the room as if looking for help. “It’s just all backwards, you know? We’re supposed to fall in love first, then get married, then make love.”
Ethan’s eyebrows shot for his hairline. “Are you really that traditional?”
She flushed. “No. Obviously not.”
“Then what’s really eating you?”
She shook her head. “I can’t tell you.”
A coil of unease tightened in Ethan’s stomach. She was hiding something – something she knew he wouldn’t want to know. Well, he wouldn’t abide that kind of behavior. He took her hand and tugged it gently until she looked up at him.
“No secrets. That’s my one rule for this marriage – everything else we can negotiate. Whatever it is you need to tell me you tell me right now. I won’t bite. I may be angry, I may not; depends on what you’re hiding. But I won’t hurt you – we’ll figure it out.”
She shook her head again. “I can’t.”
“Autumn. Spill it.”
* * * * *
Autumn sucked in a breath. There was no denying the authority in that tone of voice. He’d guessed right away she was keeping a secret – now he wouldn’t give in until she told him everything.
No. Not everything.
Just enough to distract him from her real secret.
“I think I’m pregnant.”
Ethan’s mouth opened, closed, then opened again. “You came here to marry me pregnant with someone else’s baby?”
“What? No! Of course not. I haven’t been with a man in three years!” Hysterical laughter bubbled up in her throat at this particular misunderstanding, but she clamped it back, knowing full well it wouldn’t help her any. “I mean I’m…not on birth control. And we didn’t use any protection that first time and…I feel different. I know it’s too soon to tell. I know it’s crazy, but I just…know. I’m sorry. I should have said something last night before we made love. It just happened so fast and I was drunk…”
He stood, knocking his chair to the floor. “You’re not on birth control. And you didn’t tell me? How many times have you done this?”
She sat back like she’d been slapped. “Done what?”
“Had unprotected sex with a stranger and then extorted money from him. Is that how you make your living? Is that what this is all about? You sleep around, get knocked up, gather diamond rings, then take off, get rid of the baby, and cash in?”
“No!” She stood, too. “How can you say that? I’ve never done anything like this before. I’ve never met anyone who made me lose my head, or...I just told you. I haven’t been with another man in three years. I was waiting – waiting until I could take care of myself, so I wouldn’t ever get stuck in a relationship with a man like you!”
“What do you mean, a man like me?”
“A selfish, arrogant, misogynistic control freak who’ll steal the best years of my life, lure me into depending on him and then dump me the minute he finds someone younger and prettier.”
She stormed out of the room and back to the spare bedroom, locking the door behind her. That was fantastic, Autumn – way to keep the story going. After this he’d kick her out for sure and then where would she be?
“Autumn.” His voice was muffled through the solid bedroom door, but she could tell he was calmer now. “Open up. We have to talk this through. I’m sorry I yelled, but you can’t blame me for being surprised.”
“I don’t want to talk.”
“Well, sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do. Open the door.”
There was that quiet authority again. It galled her, but she had to respect it and the impetus behind it to do the right thing. The adult thing.
Reluctantly, she crossed the room and turned the lock. When he entered the room, she retreated to the bed, tucking one leg under her and sitting as far from him as she could.
“I just want to know if I have this right. You aren’t on the Pill.”
She shook her head.
“And I didn’t use protection last night. This is my fault as much as yours. At least you brought a condom with you at lunch today. I thought you were just worried about diseases.”
She let out a breath. “I’m worried about everything. I don’t know how to do this – I’m totally out of practice. I was afraid when I pulled out the condom you’d get mad.”
Ethan’s brows furrowed. “No – of course not. Like I said, I should have thought of it sooner. I’m kind of out of practice, too, I guess. Hell, we’re lucky you even found me. This is a big ranch, you know. I could have been anywhere.”
“It wasn’t luck. Rob told me. He said…” She trailed off, not wanting to go there, but she was learning that Ethan was like a dog going after a bone when it came to finding out the truth.
“What did Rob tell you?”
There it was again, that implacable tone that made her feel about five years old. “He said the way to your heart was through your stomach and…you know.” She waited for the storm of his anger, but it didn’t come. When she glanced up, Ethan was shaking his head, a strange expression on his face.
“Figures. Sweetheart, the way to my heart is through being yourself and telling me the truth. The whole truth. I’m looking for a partner, not some sex-crazed chef, although…now that I say that aloud, it doesn’t sound half bad.”
She threw the pillow at him.
He caught it easily and grinned. “So, let me get this straight. You were so worried about losing me, you baked all morning and then seduced me in the open air?”
Could she hide under the blankets? When he said it like that it sounded ridiculous. She pushed back against the headboard as he made his way across the room and sat down next to her on the bed. “And now you think you’re pregnant?”
“I don’t know. It’s stupid, right? I couldn’t possibly know.” She ducked her head, unable to look him in the eye, but he took her chin in his hand and tilted it up. Before she could speak, his kiss cut off her words and despite everything, she found herself leaning into it. He gathered her up into his lap and in the safety of the circle of his arms, she let all her worries slip away as his mouth ravaged hers. She responded hungrily, unable to get enough of his attentions.
But when his hands skimmed up her waist to her breasts, she blocked his way and broke off the kiss. “No. Ethan, we can’t keep doing this.”
“Why not? If you’re pregnant, it won’t hurt the baby, and if you aren’t, don’t you think we should remedy that as soon as possible?”
Something melted within her. It was so hard to resist the touch of his hands, or his logic, but she fought her way to mental clarity. She was not marrying this man, could not marry anyone until she was financially stable on her own two feet. Her only hope was that she was mistaken and there was no baby. If they kept on the way they’d started she’d never be able to leave when it was time to go. She was already half-addicted to him and he was still a stranger.
“We have to wait.”
“Why?” he growled into her neck from where he was placing kisses behind her ear, down her clavicle, under her chin.
“Because. We aren’t married.” She pushed him away. “There may be a ring on my finger but until we’re married, I can’t be absolutely sure about your intentions. Maybe it’s too late, maybe there’s already a baby growing inside me, but if there isn’t it’s time for me to be responsible.” She wasn’t sure her excuses would work – wasn’t entirely sure she wanted them to.
He tapped his fingers on the comforter, clearly not happy with this turn of events. “We can be careful. I’ve got more condoms around here somewhere.”
“Ethan, no.” She held her breath.
With a sigh he lifted her off of his lap and stood up. “If you want to break off the engagement, just say so.”
She should break it off right now. Keeping up this pretense was only going to hurt them both. But her job…where would she find a new one in this economy?
“I don’t want to break it off. I just want to learn more about my future husband first. Is that so bad?”
“I guess not. Come on.” He held out his hand.
She took it uncertainly. “Where are we going?”
He didn’t answer. Instead he led her to the back porch, snagging a can of soda and another beer on his way through the kitchen. He popped open the soda, handed it to her, and indicated the swing. She sat down on one side and he sat down next to her, taking a swig of his own drink.
“We’ll keep you off the booze until you know one way or the other about being pregnant. Meanwhile, what do you want to know?”
“Um…” Where was that list of questions when she needed it? “How old are you?”
“Twenty-eight.”
Four years older than her. That sounded about right. “Did you go to college?”
“College?” He laughed. “You’re looking at my university right here, Sweetheart. My parents died last summer, left the ranch to me. I’d worked it my whole life, but working it and running it turned out to be two different things.”
“That’s a huge responsibility. Don’t you have any other family?”
“A sister. Claire. She wasn’t interested in coming home to help.”
“Oh.” They swung in silence for a minute. “I always wanted one of those big extended families. You know, where everyone comes for the holidays and it’s so noisy you can’t even hear yourself think?”
He nodded. “Don’t you have family?”
“Yep. My mom. A sister.”
“Sounds like the makings of a big family.”
“Neither are married, and my sister has no kids.”
“Ah. Good thing we’re starting early, then.” He squeezed her hand. “We’ll just have to have a dozen to make up for everyone else.”
She stilled. “Would you really want a dozen kids?”
“If I could have them, I’d welcome every one.”
If he could have them. Evidently he could have them, if Autumn was to be believed. Of course, it was silly to think she could know one way or the other. Women couldn’t tell if they were pregnant within 24 hours of making love.
Could they?
He somehow trusted her when she said there hadn’t been another man for years. He didn’t know why – it was stupid, really. Just like a woman to lie about something like that if it got her what she wanted, but when he’d accused her of doing that, the hurt and outrage in her eyes was real. He never wanted to have her look at him that way again.
Which was why he was an idiot for talking about a dozen children. Hell, they couldn’t even afford one – not with the bank crawling down his neck. How was he supposed to break that to her? When was he supposed to tell her? Before the wedding or after?
The wedding that was due to take place in less than four weeks.
He’d better make a plan, and soon, for how to turn around this place and make it earn its keep. Otherwise he and his new bride would be shopping for both a new home and occupation on their honeymoon.
Autumn was right. They had to stop making love until they’d sorted out their problems and tied the knot. It wasn’t fair to bring a new life into the world willy nilly without the kind of forethought that would keep a roof over its head. He’d go to his accountant in the morning and go over all the debts and income projections again. He’d figure out ways to cut costs and maximize his debt repayments.
He’d do whatever it took to start off his new life on a secure footing. His child deserved nothing less. His fiancée deserved far more.