The Space In Between

Chapter Sixteen

WHAT THE F*ck was I thinking? Son of a bitch. Please stop crying. Andrea’s eyes were flooding with tears. She turned her back to me and kept saying it was all right. That she was fine.
“Clearly you’re not, Andrea.” I’m sorry. I couldn’t believe I put my foot in my mouth in such a stupid-ass way. “I didn’t mean it!” I swore. Yes, I did mean it. I loved her. I couldn’t help it. How could anyone not love such a woman? Broken pieces and all. But if telling her I loved her meant she would shatter even more, then I would take it back. I would laugh it off. I would want her to doubt there was any truth to the matter.
She turned and wiped her eyes. Laughing, she shrugged her shoulders. “I’m all right. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have gotten so personal with stating the likes earlier. I’m sorry, it’s just…”
She paused and shifted her feet on the ground. I wished I could wrap my arms around her and protect her from the demons that were attacking her fragile thoughts, but I knew right now wouldn’t be the time or place. I gave her the time she needed to arrange her thoughts.
“It’s just—it’s all crap, you know? That ‘‘Til death do us part.’ That ‘love forever and always’ garbage. I mean, I know Derrick and I weren’t officially married, but we believed in the vows the first day we met. And here’s the thing…The person who dies from the car crash, he gets to leave. That’s the end of it for them. But there’s the other person still left behind in this damn place. The person still attached to those bullshit vows. And you’re stuck. And you can’t move.”
She was overwhelmed. Her poor eyes were bloodshot and her small body shook with sadness. What was I doing? It was only a little over six months ago when she went through the worst tragedy any person could experience. The words she spoke were cutting me because I never truly stopped to see how she was still in mourning.
“And out of nowhere, it seems you start to forget the little things about him. His smells are gone from the pillows. His laugh is hard to imagine. And you feel guilty that you’re forgetting, so you try hard to hold on to something that’s not even there anymore. And you feel ashamed…”
Her eyes met mine and her legs trembled as she bit her bottom lip—a trait she had when she was nervous. “And you feel ashamed because you like so many things about someone else. And you feel as if you’re cheating on your loved one.”
“Andrea…Derrick would want you to be happy.”
“I don’t deserve to be happy.”
“Why not?”
Her tears ran down her cheeks and she shook her head back and forth. She was fighting the biggest battle with her inner self. “Because I killed him.”
I could tell it was that one thought which had been haunting her since the accident. I could tell she had never said those words before, but she thought them daily. And I could tell she meant it from the bottom of her heart. “No, you didn’t.”
She nodded franticly, everything about her being falling apart. “Yes I did. I did. I should have watched the road better. I should have focused. If it weren’t for me, he would be alive.”
I stepped close to her and she stepped back, shaking her head. I cringed a bit, watching her clam up. “Andrea…”
“I don’t deserve to be…” She cried, rubbing her hands across her face.
“Don’t say it.” I warned her. She didn’t think she deserved to live…She believed she should have died. That thought alone made me die a little. She shifted her eyes to the ground, shaking her head back and forth, gasping for air as her lungs went into overdrive. She was having a panic attack, and I was scared shitless that she was going to pass out any second now.
“Andrea, look at me. Now.” I demanded. When her eyes met mine, I made sure not to lose her. “I need you to do something for me.” Her head tilted to the side, wondering what I would request. Her tiny body was still a wreck from shaking.
I lowered my voice and held my arm out to her. “I need you to let me hold you, okay? Can you do that for me? I need to wrap my arms around you, and have you cry into me. Forget everything that has happened between us. Forget everything else in the world. Right now I just need to be the wall you lean up against to keep you from falling tonight.”
A small breath escaped my lips as her fingers intertwined with mine. Relief filled me, watching her move closer to me. I couldn’t give her space anymore. My arms wrapped around her small frame and I held on. She cried into me as she proceeded to break down even more. “Slow down your breaths, Andrea…Slow.” The tears started to form in my eyes and I blinked them away before she would notice. Knowing that she was hurting in such a major way broke everything inside of me. I never felt so helpless in my life.
I held on to her for a long time after that. I didn’t care how long we had to stand there; I was prepared to hold her for the rest of my life if she needed me to.





“I CAN SLEEP on the couch,” she offered. I shook my head; she needed rest.
“No, of course not. You stay here. I’ll grab one of the guest rooms.”
“Are you sure?”
“Andrea.” I smirked and nudged her to the bed. It was nice to see she had calmed down a bit. “If you need anything, I’ll be two rooms down.”
“I’ll be all right.”
I stood in the doorway, eyes on her. There was nothing I wanted to do more than protect her from any harm. But that night I did all I could. I shut off the light and walked out of the room. “Coop.” At the sound of my name I was standing in the doorway, turning her light on once more. I waited for her to continue speaking as she rubbed her fingers over her tired eyes. “I’ll be better tomorrow,” she promised.
Leaning against the door frame, I shook my head. “No you won’t. But that’s okay…I’ll wait.”
She sighed, shifting around the bed sheets. “For how long?”
I could tell she thought she had run me off, but I wasn’t going anywhere. “I’m here, Andrea. I’m here. And I’m not going to rush you. And I’m not even asking anything of you. But I’m here whenever you need me to be. How long will I wait? Take forever and multiple it by infinity. And then I’ll wait some more.”
Seeing her small smile appear made me grin. I nodded, told her to try to get some rest, and disappeared down the hallway to try to find a few hours of rest for myself.