“And us?” he asks, glancing at me. “What about us?”
“You should never worry about us,” I tell him and in the moment I say it, I believe it completely.
***
While Lachlan goes off to rugby practice, I stay in the flat thinking about all the phone calls I have to make. While I know it’s the right thing to do, what I want to do, I’m not sure how responsible it is. Okay, I know how responsible it isn’t. That’s what’s making me hesitate when I stare at the phone, turning it over and over in my hands, counting down to when I have to pull the trigger.
What if it doesn’t work out between us? What if I give up everything for him, to stay here, to be with him, and our relationship isn’t strong enough to survive whatever will be thrown our way? We’re so new at this, not just in terms of knowing each other, but in terms of love. We both haven’t had a lot of experience, least I know I haven’t. Not like this. And what if moving here is harder than it looks, that once the honeymoon period wears off I start resenting Lachlan for never having to make any sacrifices himself?
I don’t want that to happen. But if I don’t take the risk, I’ll never know. It’s the honest truth that I love him so much that it’s consuming me. My first encounter with him planted a seed and I had no idea how fast and lush it would grow inside of me. I’m tangled in love, hopelessly, as it grows over me like a beautiful weed, ruthless to the root.
Part of me wants to bring out the weed killer and spray the shit out of myself, because I’ve never been the kind of girl to feel this way, to do the insane things I’m about to do. The other part wants to revel in the wildness, to embrace it, to grow crazy and merciless and unchecked.
At around four p.m., Lachlan hasn’t arrived back from practice yet and I decide to make the call. I choose my mother because she always has to come first, even before my job.
The phone rings and rings and rings. It’s early at home but she’s always gotten up at the crack of dawn anyway. I sigh and hang up, feeling a strange sense of relief that I don’t have to break the news to her just yet.
I’m about to call Stephanie, just to feel like I’ve done something, when I hear Lachlan’s keys in the door. I also hear voices.
I crane my neck from the couch to see him come inside the hall with Brigs. Lionel and Emily jump off the couch from beside me, Lionel wagging his tail at Lachlan’s brother, Emily barking at him.
“Oy, shut up,” Lachlan says to her and it’s the first time I’ve heard him yell at a dog. It puts a sour taste in my mouth.
I cautiously get off the couch and come over to them.
Lachlan is different. The change in him is immediate. His head is lower, shoulders hunched up, a cagey tightness in his eyes. He’s out of his uniform and in jeans and a V-necked shirt, but I don’t think he’s showered from after practice. A patch of mud clings to his arm.
“Hi,” I say to Brigs, bringing my eyes over to him. “Nice to see you again. If I knew you were coming, I would have made myself look more presentable.”
“Oh, please,” Brigs says to me, displaying a charming smile and very white, straight teeth that no doubt was created by an orthodontist. “You look lovely.”
Lachlan stalks off into the dining room, heading for the kitchen. I watch him go then look back to Brigs expectantly.
“Did something happen?” I ask quickly, lowering my voice.
He purses his lips, eyes darting to the dining room. “I had time today, so I went by to watch his practice. I told him a few days ago I might stop by, so he knew. I always try and see a few games, kind of tradition, aye? Well, I only caught the last half of practice cuz I was running late and I got there just in time to see him completely plow into Denny. Denny’s his teammate. Lachlan didn’t pull back at all. I know he normally does. Now Denny’s fucking injured, who knows how bad. Might have dislocated his shoulder.”