He shakes his head. “No,” he says. “I’m never okay.” But he doesn’t say anything else after that.
When we get to his flat, I tip the cabbie with wads of American dollars I have in the bottom of my purse and help Lachlan out of the cab. He can stand, but just barely. I lead him to the door and fumble through his jean pockets for the key. Any other day at any other time, I would have made a joke about feeling him up but there is no joking tonight. I don’t see how we can joke about anything anytime soon.
I get the door open and him up the stairs. Once inside his flat, Lionel and Emily come to say hello, desperate for a walk. But once they see Lachlan they get a bit standoffish. It’s as if they’re unsure who this man is, if he’s really their master.
I take Lachlan straight to bed where he collapses on top of it. I roll him onto his side and then get Emily and Lionel on their leashes. Because it’s so late, I don’t bother with a muzzle for Lionel and do a quick pee trip around the park.
The dogs seem to loosen up with me but I know I’m tightly wound. I have no idea how I’ll sleep tonight at all. I want to talk to someone about this, but I’m afraid to. Lachlan is such a private, personal guy, it wouldn’t be fair to him to tell someone else what he’s been like, even if it was someone like Stephanie, who I tell a lot of things to, who wouldn’t judge me or him.
I decide to bottle it up for now and think that maybe one day I can talk to Thierry about it. He and John didn’t seem all that surprised over what was happening. Maybe beating the shit out of someone is a normal thing in Scottish culture, I have no idea, though the fact that we both had to hightail it out of there because of the police was a whole other thing all together.
Then again, I don’t have much time left here. Even though earlier today we proclaimed ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend, a genuine couple, and even though I find myself falling more in love with him each and every day, I’m just not sure where we can possibly go next. If I leave, then what happens? Do long-distance? Does that even work?
And if I stay, if that’s even remotely possible somehow, can I handle him and all his demons? Is this just a one-off thing, or is this the start of something more? He said his past is behind him and I need to believe that but I can’t pretend it’s not possible for him to fall prey to his darkness. If this is just a hint of things to come, am I strong enough to get through to him? To survive it? It’s just so much for a new relationship to survive.
I have to remind myself that I might be jumping the gun. That tonight, as scary and horrible as it was to see that anger unleash from him, might just be it and we could have a beautiful love story together.
It’s fucked up. It’s all over the place. I’m all over the place. Why can’t anything be simple? Why can’t I just love him and why can’t he love me and why can’t love be the only thing to juggle? Instead the past is holding onto him and our relationship has an expiry date.
I love a broken, damaged man who might run the both of us into the ground.
I have no idea how this is going to end well.
Later that night I crawl into bed and I’m doing everything to keep my hardened heart from opening again. I want to pull away, I want to shut him out. I’ve talked myself out of everything that is open and beautiful.
But then he rolls over and grabs my hand and he holds onto it so tight.
So tight.
His eyes are pinched shut and when he speaks it’s barely audible.
“Kayla,” he says hoarsely. “I love you.”
I burst into tears.
He falls back asleep.
CHAPTER TWENTYTWO
Lachlan
I have a dreamless sleep. No nightmares, no nothing. In some ways its worse because when I do wake up, and I slowly realize where I am and what had happened last night – what I had become, well, I think a nightmare would have been preferable. At least I know it’s not real.