Chapter ELEVEN
LARA COULDN’T FATHOM what on earth was wrong with her. Yes, she’d been through the mill, losing first Sean and then Gabriel. But were those heartrending events enough to make her feel queasy and persistently light-headed, which was how she’d been feeling for several days now? She should perhaps go the doctor, but she was sure she would eventually shrug it off so steered clear of pursuing that option. Instead she determinedly focused on work, even putting in some overtime in a bid to shake herself out of whatever was ailing her.
Besides, she wasn’t the only one who had lost a loved one or had her heart broken. What she should aim to do was to be more stoical. She should just endeavour to take one day at a time and somehow, some way, garner some optimism about life again.
Then one morning, as she got ready for work, Lara reached into her purse to dig out the foil packet of contraceptive pills. She immediately realised she’d picked up the previous month’s packet instead of the current one. About to jettison the empty container into a nearby wicker basket, she did a double take. At the beginning of the empty rows there was one tablet remaining. How had that happened? More to the point, why hadn’t she noticed it before?
Her heart started to pound as she calculated back to the week of the remaining pill. Without a doubt it was the week that she’d spent in New York with Gabriel. Six weeks had passed since then. Six weeks with no sign of a period. Lara had put the absence down to the emotional rollercoaster she’d been on, telling herself that everything would sort itself out just as soon as her emotions calmed down.
Hadn’t she started to take the pill in the first place to help regulate her periods because they tended to be erratic? She shouldn’t be alarmed that she’d missed one. Yet some instinct told her that she did perhaps need to be concerned.
Dragging her hand feverishly through her tousled dark hair, and still in her pyjamas, she sat down on the bed and let the realisation that had shockingly dawned wash over her. Wasn’t it true that you had to be consistent when taking an oral contraceptive? If you missed one then you risked the inevitable. Suddenly, the reason for her queasiness, her feelings of being light-headed and her missed period became disturbingly clear. She was pregnant. Pregnant with Gabriel Devenish’s baby!
It was the strangest thing, but suddenly Lara’s sense of confusion and worry about her health dissipated like ice crystals beneath the sun. She would need to take a test to be absolutely sure, of course.... Touching her palm to her cheek, she sensed her skin flush warmly. A sense of joyous excitement filled her. It went racing through her blood like life-giving oxygen.
How or why she had omitted to take one of her pills no longer seemed to matter. She certainly hadn’t forgotten to take one deliberately. In any case, Gabriel hadn’t got in touch when he’d ‘got his head straight’, as he’d promised he would. He hadn’t even let her know when and if he’d returned to the UK to deal with the sale of his family’s manor house.
As much as it grieved her, Lara could no longer make that her driving concern. In her mind and in her heart she had left the door open for him to come back to her—of course she had. But if he didn’t—and right now it didn’t look as if he would—well, she would have their son or daughter to take care of, and that would in time help to ease the hurt of his desertion.
At least she hoped that it would. But whatever happened one thing was certain: she intended to be the most loving and adoring mother she could be. She might not be wealthy, but her child would be the recipient of far more important riches—her love and devotion. He or she might not have a father in their life, but that would have to be enough.
* * *
Gabriel had spent the morning with his architect, perusing and discussing the renovation plans for the manor which were already well under way. The genteel old orangery was being redesigned, along with the bedrooms, and he’d also had discussions with one of Britain’s top garden designers about what could be done to make the most of the gardens.
The day the solicitor had visited the house to find out what Gabriel intended to do about it, Gabriel had made the surprising decision to fulfil the terms of the codicil to the will and live there for the six months stipulated so that he could inherit. Shortly after that he had rung his office in New York and told them he was taking a year’s sabbatical in order to decide what he wanted to do about his future.
His decision to take a year off had dumbfounded his employers, and they had immediately offered him a myriad of financial temptations and seductive inducements like a prestigious house in the Hamptons to get him to rethink. Gabriel had firmly declined.
The most surprising thing of all was that when he had come off the phone he’d felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Until that cathartic moment he hadn’t fully realised how much his work and his drive for more success, more money and more power had dominated his life. It certainly hadn’t left much time or space for anything else. In particular, for the loving and committed relationship he secretly craved but had always feared he would never be able to sustain even if he found it.
During the past few weeks since he had returned to the house and reread his uncle’s letter—particularly the part where he had told him of his hopes that he would return to live at the manor and raise his children there—Gabriel had been filled with new hope and optimism about his future. A future quite unlike the usual picture he had envisaged for himself.
What had helped tremendously was the fact that he had actually started to fall in love with the house. Bit by bit the sorrow of his childhood and his damaged past had loosened its grip and he had started to heal.
One afternoon, whilst exploring one of the larger bedrooms which the housekeeper was convinced must have been his mother’s, he discovered a framed photograph tucked away in a bureau. It was a picture of his mother, Angela, holding him as a baby, and it bore out the housekeeper’s theory that the room must have been hers. There was no doubt that Angela had been a beautiful woman, with glossy dark hair and vivid blue eyes, but it wasn’t just her beauty that drew the viewer in. Her smiling face exuded warmth and love in equal measures as she held her son firmly against her heart.
How she must have hated being ill and unable to look after him, Gabriel thought.
The idea jolted him.
Up until now, Angela Devenish had been an almost ghost-like figure in his mind—hardly real. As if she’d never existed at all. Now her life and the woman she had been started to fascinate him. He studied the photograph for a long time. He even took it with him into his bedroom and stood it on the dressing table so that he would see it every morning when he woke up.
But even though he had begun to make genuine inroads into seeing his mother in a different light and healing the wounds from his past, there was one face that he longed to see again more than any other. And that face was Lara’s.
The only thing that had held Gabriel back from going to see her when he’d returned to the UK was the sickening memory of how he had behaved towards her when they’d parted in New York. He also couldn’t forget the story of how he’d rebuffed her when she’d been just sixteen at Sean’s party. She hadn’t had to elucidate how hurt she must have been. It had been written all over her face.
He honestly wouldn’t blame her if when she saw him again she told him to go to hell. But he hoped to God she wouldn’t. Until he had made the decision to live in his family’s manor so that he could inherit—not so that he might sell the property but so that he could make it his home—he hadn’t known how he could legitimately approach her. All he had known was that he wanted to show Lara that he could be a better man, a truly good man—a man she could depend on.
And to do that he would have to show her evidence that he intended to stay in the country and make his life there.
If Lara agreed—and it was a big if—she would be an absolutely vital and crucial element in helping Gabriel create the new life he wanted. A much happier and more fulfilling life than he had ever experienced before.
Three months later...
Lara pressed her palm to the base of her spine and rubbed it. Having been on her feet since the early hours of the morning, she was so tired she could drop. Why did her tiredness and stress always seem to go straight to her back these days? she wondered.
With a jolt, she remembered that she was pregnant. The realisation still came as a shock every time she thought about it, but it had all been confirmed by her doctor so there was no more doubting. It still seemed like the most unbelievable dream.
With a wistful sigh, Lara started to go through her usual routine of shutting up shop for the day. All she could think about now was the prospect of a long and leisurely soak in the tub with some scented bubbles. That should help ease the ache in her back.
‘Any plans for the evening, Lara?’ her young colleague Marisa asked as she shut down her computer beside her.
‘Only to have the longest, most relaxing soak in history, in a bath full of deliciously warm and sudsy water.’
‘Sounds heavenly.’ Marisa smiled.
‘What about you? Have you any plans?’
‘I’m going out for a pizza with Mark, my boyfriend.’
‘You’re still seeing him? I thought you two had had a big row and you had decided not to see him any more.’
Marisa’s plump cheeks suffused with heat. ‘Every now and again we fall out. But we quickly patch things up.’ She smiled. ‘He’s a nice boy. I’d miss him if we weren’t together. Sometimes he feels like a missing part of me I didn’t know I’d lost. Do you know what I mean?’
Lara did know what she meant, and helplessly she felt the other girl’s comment catching her off guard. Her eyes filled with tears. The thought of Gabriel and the memory of his passionate caresses and kisses was never far away. Those memories were even more poignant now that she knew she was carrying his baby. Did he ever think about her and wonder how she was doing? Did he ever miss her?
It had been neither simple nor easy to slip back into the predictable routine of the life she’d had before he’d walked in and ignited all her hopes and dreams with a fierce burning light that would never go out. So far it had been the biggest challenge of her life. Lara wondered how Gabriel would react if he knew that. It all but killed her to think he might just brush it off and put it down to experience.
‘Lara?’ Stepping towards her, Marisa looked alarmed to see that she was weeping. ‘What’s wrong, love? Do you feel sick? Do you want me to get you a glass of water?’
She suddenly sounded much older than her years, and the younger woman’s concern made Lara want to weep even more.
Touching her fingertips to the moisture that had tracked down her face and dampened her cheeks, she shook her head and forced a smile. ‘No, I’ll be fine, thanks. I think I just need to get out of here and go home and have that bath.’
‘That’s bound to help. A long hot bath is a bit of a cure-all for me, too. It’s the same as having a cup of tea, isn’t it? It somehow makes you feel better.’
Marisa’s sage remark had the effect of making Lara want to hug her—so she did. The other girl flushed with pleasure.
‘You’re wise beyond your years—you know that?’ Lara told her. Then, moving away, she glanced over at all the empty chairs and tables that would be full of diligent and not so diligent students again tomorrow. One thing was for certain: life went on, despite what was happening in your personal life.
Reaching for the red wool cardigan she’d hung over the back of her chair, she hurriedly pulled it on. Lifting up the heavy swathe of hair that had fallen down her back she let it fall again and shook it free. Absently glancing towards the twin glass doors of the exit, she frowned. A man dressed in a classic raincoat thrown over a dark sweatshirt and jeans was pushing them open.
Stepping inside, he took a brief inventory of his surroundings before tunnelling his fingers through his hair and moving towards them. Even if she hadn’t seen his face Lara would have known that smooth athletic gait anywhere. Staring in disbelief, she found it hard to think, never mind speak. In fact, she suddenly felt quite faint.
‘Who could that be?’ Marisa whispered next to her. ‘Doesn’t he know that we’re closed?’
‘His name is Gabriel Devenish.’
Still in shock, Lara knew her voice wasn’t much above a whisper. But it was almost as if she’d had to say his name out loud in order to believe that he was there and not just a figment of her imagination, or some seductive ghostly visitation from one of her nightly dreams of him.
When he stepped up to the counter and turned the vivid azure beam of his too-arresting gaze on her, a well of hurt and long-suppressed fury at his cavalier treatment rose up inside her and made her stiffen her shoulders defensively.
Lifting her chin, she looked him straight in the eye and announced, ‘We’re closed. If you need any help I’m afraid you’ll have to come back tomorrow.’
The beautiful carved lips in front of her edged into an amused smile—a smile that unscrupulously stormed Lara’s heart and turned her insides to mush.
‘I’m afraid what I need can’t wait until tomorrow,’ he remarked, and the smoky voice and piercing eyes mercilessly imprisoned her, locked her up and threw away the key.
For a long moment she fell into a kind of trance. Then the sound of Marisa pointedly clearing her throat behind her and touching her hand to Lara’s sleeve had her turning round to see what was wrong.
There was nothing amiss. The younger girl’s eyes were alive with curiosity and what might have even been delight as she commented, ‘I’m sorry, Lara, but I have to dash. Mark is meeting me in the car park. Take care of yourself, won’t you? I’ll see you tomorrow.’
‘Enjoy your pizza,’ Lara murmured automatically.
As the twin glass doors swung shut behind the slender blonde, her heart hammered at the realisation that she and Gabriel were alone. The impulse to do something, anything, to help still her nerves took hold, but Gabriel’s handsome face was suddenly looking ominously serious and she couldn’t help but stare. Just what did he want to say to her? Whatever it was, she was determined that she would have her say first.
‘What on earth are you doing here—and how did you know where to find me? I don’t recall giving you the college’s address.’
‘I went to see your parents,’ he replied. ‘Your mother told me where to find you.’
‘When was this?’
‘This morning.’
Lara’s hand automatically shot to her abdomen. She gently rubbed it through the soft grey tunic she wore beneath her cardigan, then realised she was drawing attention to the one place she didn’t want Gabriel’s eyes to be drawn to.
Had her mum told him about the pregnancy? Even though she had been over the moon on hearing Lara’s news about the baby, declaring it was the blessing she had been praying for, Lara was confident that she wouldn’t have told him anything without checking with her first. But her insides still churned at the thought of how Gabriel would take the news.
‘Why did you go to see them? Was it to collect Sean’s photographs? And when did you get back to the UK? Is this another flying visit, Gabriel?’
Seeing that Lara’s slender hands were gripping the edge of the fibreglass counter as if her life depended on it, and hearing the distress in her voice, Gabriel frowned. He hated the idea that his appearance had upset her, even though he knew she had plenty of reason to be distressed. The need to alleviate her unhappiness became imperative.
‘I’ll explain everything in a moment. Trust me, there’s nothing to worry about. Right now all I want to do is look at you.’
He ached with an unholy ache to take her in his arms and kiss away every hurt, every moment of unease or despair he had ever visited on her, but he forced himself to wait. This wasn’t the moment to blunder back into her life and just take what he wanted as if it was his God-given right. That was the old Gabriel. The man who had been too selfish and self-obsessed to know what a gift had been bestowed on him when Lara had surrendered her virginity and confessed that she loved him—had always loved him.
‘You look tired. The shadows under your eyes look like bruises and you’re far too pale. What have you been doing to yourself? Burning the candle at both ends?’
Gabriel hadn’t meant his observation to sound critical, but he saw straight away that Lara was immediately defensive—angry, too. Her animated reaction confirmed it.
‘What do you care what I’ve been doing? You didn’t even bother to ring me after I left New York, and nor did you have the decency to let me know you were back in the UK! I’m done with worrying about you, Gabriel. I really am. I think it’s time I focused my attention on myself and my own needs.’
Her dark eyes crestfallen, she leant towards the desk and switched off the lamp that was there. Then she opened a drawer and collected her shoulder bag.
‘I’m going home now. It’s been a long day.’
‘We need to talk, Lara. I know you probably think I’m not worth giving the time of day to, but I want the opportunity to help change your mind about that. Did you drive here?’
‘Yes, I did.’
‘Then I’ll follow you in my car.’
She didn’t answer. With her head held high, and clutching her bag in front of her, she came round the counter and started to walk towards the exit.
Although she hadn’t argued with his intention, Gabriel felt oddly hurt that she wouldn’t even look at him. Instead she arranged the strap of her bag more firmly onto her shoulder and drew the sides of her long wool cardigan together as if she was cold. Almost as if needing to protect herself. Then she proceeded out of the building to the car park.
The journey back to Lara’s flat was thankfully a short one. Afraid that too long a delay before they were able to talk would give her added time to mull over past events and decide she would be better off without him, Gabriel couldn’t help but be anxious. She’d seemed so adamant just now that they were over. But then he remembered the times when she’d openly demonstrated how much she cared and once again hope flared inside him.
Standing beside her as she inserted the key in the lock and opened the door of the Victorian semi where she lived, he stayed silent as a reluctant Lara invited him in.
‘We’ll talk in the living room,’ she declared, her brown eyes issuing him with a mere cursory glance before sliding quickly away again. ‘The sooner we get this over and done with, the better.’
In spite of its lofty ceiling, the room Gabriel followed Lara inside to was surprisingly cosy and welcoming. The space couldn’t help but reflect the personal touches and preferences of the woman who lived there. From the small collection of family photographs that sat atop the pine bookcase and the mantelpiece to the several wooden shelves that were literally crammed with books, it was eminently clear what the occupant’s priorities were.
A seriously comfortable-looking dark gold couch with an embroidered throw on the back was strewn with brightly coloured cushions, and an old Chesterfield armchair sat before an uncurtained window overlooking the garden.
‘You may as well sit down.’ Her tone less than inviting, Lara threw her shoulder bag down onto the couch and, with her arms folded, moved her head to indicate he take the armchair.
Murmuring ‘Ladies first’, Gabriel waited until his reluctant hostess had settled herself on the couch and then, shrugging off his raincoat, he folded it over the back of the venerable old armchair and sat down.
‘You said you were going to explain everything?’
Her pretty face was inevitably troubled as she leant forward in her seat to study him. Sighing, Gabriel scraped his fingers through his thick dark hair and smiled. ‘I will. What I want to tell you is that I decided what I wanted wasn’t in New York after all, but here.’
‘You mean your family’s home? Have you decided to sell it?’
‘I’m not just talking about the manor, Lara. Although in answer to your question I have to tell you I’m not intending on selling it. My plan is to live there. In fact I’ve been living there for the past three months now, attempting to make my peace with the past and turning the place back into a home—a real home.’
‘You have? Oh, Gabriel, that’s wonderful.’
The surprise and pleasure that shone from her beautiful dark eyes couldn’t help but melt Gabriel’s heart. But he hadn’t finished telling her the full extent of his plans yet, and a lot depended on her answer to his next question as to whether he carried them out or not.
‘The truth is, Lara...’ he continued. ‘The truth is it won’t be a real home until you agree to marry me and come and live with me there. Will you?’