“I just won’t,” he said, with finality.
“Sebastian, you deserve that – after everything you’ve been through…”
“I’m not fucking taking it, Caro. I’m 27. I don’t fucking want disability pay!”
“Okay, tesoro. That’s your choice.”
I think the fact that I wouldn’t fight with him just made it worse. He had vast reserves of pent-up anger, and I was the nearest target – and probably the only one he felt he could take it out on.
The military also offered him the chance to take college courses through the GI Bill, but he wouldn’t discuss that either. The list of unmentionable topics became longer each day.
The tense silence between us was exhausting. At a loss, I thought it might help if I gave him some space and let him come to terms with everything that had happened, without my constant presence – and without what he seemed to feel was my constant interference.
I decided we needed a break from each other and I wanted to go and check on my house, too. Alice had been going over there regularly, but I longed to be in my own home. I really thought it might help our tenuous relationship if I just visited Sebastian on the weekends. It was also getting expensive staying in the motel, although I didn’t mention that to him.
We were resting on a bench in the grounds after Sebastian had managed to walk almost 200 yards, leaning heavily on a crutch. It was hard for me to see him struggle when he had always been so strong and vigorous; but how much harder it was for him, I could only imagine.
“You did well today, Sebastian.”
He grunted an answer, and I couldn’t tell if he was agreeing with me or not.
I sighed, then took a deep breath.
“I’ve been thinking I should go back to Long Beach. Just to make sure everything is okay at home. I want to try and start working a bit more…”
My words died away as he looked at me with something like loathing.
“You’re leaving me.”
It was a statement, not a question.
“No, tesoro! Why would you say that? No, never!”
“Don’t fucking lie to me, Caro,” he shouted. “You’ve made it pretty fucking obvious you don’t want to be here. Well, fine. Just fucking go.”
And he turned away from me.
I tried to speak, but I choked on the sounds.
“Please, Sebastian,” I said, touching his arm. “That’s not what I’m saying: I just wanted to… try and get some… some normality. I’d visit on weekends.”
He shrugged me off.
“Don’t fucking drag it out, Caro,” he said bitterly. “I’m not completely fucking dumb.”
I stood up suddenly, and the movement made him look up.
“Damn you, Sebastian!” I yelled. “I’m not leaving you! You’ll never get rid of me, so you can just stop trying. Right now.”
He looked away again.
“Whatever,” he said.
That was a bad, bad day. I wondered how much further we had to fall – and I dreaded finding out. But I also realized that although Sebastian sniped and snarled at me day after day, he needed me to be with him. I decided to stay in Maryland: Alice would be able to continue looking after the bungalow.
We’d manage – somehow.
Seven days later, the Physical Evaluation Board Liaison Officer, a friendly but efficient woman whom I knew as Joan, told Sebastian that the PEB would, ‘authorize his disability separation, with disability benefits, as he had been found unfit and his condition was incompatible with continued military service’.
Sebastian was no longer a US Marine.
Chapter 17
The day Sebastian came home should have been the happiest of our lives, but my love was broken in body and spirit.
I arranged for a taxi to pick us up from the airport. Nicole and Jenna had both offered to drive us, but I thought it would be better for him to have a quiet return; Sebastian was in no shape to meet my friends, no matter how well-meaning.