An orange fell from the tree next to us. One little bounce, and it gained enough momentum to roll right out of the little orange grove.
“I have money—from this gig, and the money I’ve saved from the others. It should last us a long time. I don’t generally stay in the same place for too long, but we could go somewhere and stay for as long as you want. You could take a photography class, or we could rent a place by a school and you can do the traditional college thing if you wanted to. I’ve got it covered. I just need you with me.”
My heart was stuck so far in my throat I didn’t know if I would be able to shake it back down into place.
“I don’t need an answer now. Think about it while I’m gone. Use my laptop to look up some places you might want to go. I don’t take electronics or phones with me when I ‘m working anyway. That’s how people fuck up. The computer is all yours.”
Jake yawned and stretched. After such a heavy conversation, his mood was surprisingly laid back and casual. He spoke of us leaving town together like he was talking about the afternoon rain. “My only requirement is that we have to be able to ride there by bike. We can go to Canada and Mexico, too... eventually. But it’ll take a while to get you a passport. Since you’re traveling with me, you’ll need a fake. Even though I’ll be technically retired, I don’t like to take any chances.”
“You want me to go with you?” My attention was still at the beginning of what he’d just said. It was still sinking in.
Jake cocked an eyebrow at me. “You’re not a very good listener.”
That wasn’t true. I’d heard everything he said. It was more that I wasn’t a very good believer.
“Once I’m eighteen, you won’t be legally responsible for me anymore. You’re not obligated to take me with you.” He’d already done too much. He didn’t need me in his way any longer than he had signed up for.
Jake laughed. “I don’t give a shit what my legal obligations are, Abby. Do you think I wanted you to stay with me because I felt it was my civic duty or something? I wanted you to stay with me because the second I knew you needed that—the second it crossed my mind—I couldn’t think of you staying anywhere else.”
He wanted me with him.
It would have been so easy to say yes, so easy to jump on the back of his bike and leave everything behind. Then, what? What would happen when he realized I was incapable of a normal relationship, incapable of something so basic like sex? What would happen when he got bored and tired of my sickness, of my sadness and sorrow?
All I knew is that I didn’t want to find out.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
THE WEEK FOLLOWING JAKE’S REVELATION flew by. We fell into a comfortable routine. Jake made dinner, and I did the dishes. Then, we’d watch a movie on the couch before going to bed and falling asleep in each others’ arms. He never tried for anything more. He was giving me time, but he didn’t understand that even a lifetime may not have been enough. I wasn’t ever going to be normal. No amount of time could make me that. From the outside, we looked like quite like a regular all-American couple.
The very opposite of what we really were.
After a long day of sorting through purchase orders and receipts at the shop, Jake brought me to the beach so I could take pictures of the coming sunset. It was the third time we’d gone for that reason. My camera quickly became an extension of my arm and my vision. I took it everywhere.
Jake and I walked hand in hand along the shore. I was getting used to the way he was always touching me, and I was filled with dread whenever I thought about the time not too far off when I would no longer be able to reach for him in the middle of the night. It had been only days, but already I didn’t know how I would ever sleep alone again.
Had we only known each other for less than two weeks? It seemed like there was never a time when I didn’t know Jake.
The night breeze pricked at my skin through my shirt as I pulled my camera out of the bag and flung it around my neck. I was glad Jake hadn’t gotten me a digital camera. I couldn’t wait to develop the negatives myself in a real dark room. Jake had told me that when he was back from his job, he would set up a makeshift dark room for me wherever we ended up.
I practically just met him and he was making arrangements for me in his life and in his home. I’d never had that before.
Jake was sitting in the sand with his face to the sky, eyes closed. I took the opportunity to get some candid shots of him. “Don’t you have enough pictures of me already?” he asked, without opening his eyes. I had taken a bunch of him this week. My favorite was one of him with a cigarette in his mouth as he pulled up to the apartment on his bike. I couldn’t wait to develop that one. The sight of him made all sorts of crazy shit happen inside of me, which made me both incredibly happy and scared out of my mind.
“Nope,” I answered. I would need to remember what he looked like when he left for good. I needed hundreds more.