His hard tone shook loose some of the tension in her belly. When it came to the media and “talk,” Blake had never cared what was said. Sure, he’d gotten smarter about not feeding the fire by allowing public speculation of things he’d rather keep private, like which brand of underwear he favored, but he never let it stop him from doing what he wanted.
And that same old question popped up in her head: What did she want? Her mind returned to her conversation with Terrance. She didn’t want to hurt Blake. But she didn’t want to be hurt either. She looked down at the shadow he cast, always larger than life, and noticed the way it intermingled with hers. Though she’d never told him, the reason she’d turned down his advances when they first met was because she’d sensed—even then—that if she allowed herself to fall in love with him, to need him, she’d never stop. That had scared the shit out of her.
It still did. But if she didn’t go with him today, it would hurt her as much as it would hurt him. And the part of her that feared letting down her guard and falling for him again was currently weaker than the part that couldn’t stand to see him walk away dejected.
“Okay. Let’s go.”
His chest rose as air filled his lungs again. He’d been holding his breath, she realized, with a sharp pinch to her heart.
“Okay,” he said easily. Too easily.
They walked to the car. His steps faltered, so unlike him. She looked over to see him correct his balance as he moved around the hood of the car. He had decided against opening the door for her at the last moment.
Something inside her howled as she watched him lower Touchdown into the passenger seat.
Touchdown licked her face when she got in the car, and once she was situated and buckled in, she forced herself to say the words she needed to say. “Can we please use one of the off-beat trails?”
His hand froze on the gearshift. She watched it clench around the handle.
“Of course,” he said, and this time there was an edge in his voice. “I’ve been going up to Killer Pass for that reason. Is that suitable?”
That reason. Suitable. Oh, how she could hear the accusation in his voice.
“That’s fine,” she answered and stroked Touchdown to cover the tremble in her hands.
When she glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, she saw the tight lines around his mouth. Something like a heavy hand pressed on her chest. She hadn’t wanted to hurt him.
But how could he not be hurt? She’d basically said I don’t want to be seen with you, though it wasn’t what she’d meant. They just needed some space to figure this out without everyone watching. Isn’t that why she’d asked her family not to interfere?
And yet, regardless of how hard she tried to fight it, some stubborn part of her seemed intent on killing almost every good thing between them—almost every good thing in her life—and it wasn’t finished yet.
Chapter 20
The worst field Blake had ever played on had been at home against the Charlotte Falcons. Before the game, ice had rained down with punishing intensity, coating the hard ground. By kickoff, the sheets of sleet had turned into heavy snow. He’d spent the entire game slipping and sliding in the pocket, digging his toes into his cleats to gain purchase to step back for a pass. Right now, he felt like he was on that same field with Natalie. Every time he thought he’d found a few feet of solid ground, he’d discover it was coated in ice.
She seemed to be pushing him away again, and his heart lay swollen in his chest. Still, he struggled not to raise his walls, not to fight with her. He’d focused on his running as soon as they hit the trail, and she seemed to be content with the silence.
They couldn’t fight if they didn’t talk.
They couldn’t get back together if they didn’t talk.
He wanted to hit something.
Touchdown ran between them, almost like a peace mediator, panting away. All his buddies joked that the beagle was in better shape than all of them. Blake held back, letting Natalie set the pace like he’d always done. She worried her lip as she ran, making him all too aware of her breasts bouncing just a tad under her red sleeveless sports tank. Her slender arms had the curve of muscle and were dotted with freckles. Her legs were a flash of smooth white as she kept pace with him.
Thorn’s Peak pierced the ocean-blue sky ahead, and lemony rays of the afternoon sun touched the rugged landscape. The rock face of the awe-inspiring Great Wall curved along the pass. Bats and birds flew out of the tiny holes in the rock. He caught sight of a moose and her calf on the humpback-shaped ridge dotted with pines and conifers. The pass was fairly flat, but the incline was deceiving. By mile three, Natalie was puffing, her face tomato red. Her chin was set with pure determination now.
“You don’t have to grit it out, babe,” he said, throttling back even more.
Her eyes were cold and hard when she glanced over. “I can do it.”
His stomach burned. He knew that look. She was angry, most likely with herself. He settled back into her pace. By mile four, he wasn’t breathing hard, but she was nearly gasping. He slowed again.