The Best Book in the World

CHAPTER 4

Chez Astra


At three o’clock Titus rings the bell by Astra’s door. He has never liked using lifts, so he has lumbered up the stairs to Astra’s flat. He is a bit out of breath and sweaty when Astra opens the door.

‘Hi, Titus, are you already here? Nice to see you. You look… you look as if you’ve been having fun… or something,’ says Astra, who looks just as beautiful and freshly showered as usual.

‘Hi,’ Titus pants. ‘Everything okay?’

‘How did you get on at the festival? What did they hand you this time?’

‘The Diseases of the Swedish Monarchs. It was a great success.’

‘Yes, well. I’m glad to hear it. Congratulations, I suppose one should say then.’

‘You sound ironic…’

‘Yes, but you know what I think about all that. It might be fun and so on, but I don’t think it does much for your brand image as an author.’

‘My brand image?’ says Titus, irritated. ‘I get a fee, damn it! Money is good for my brand image. But perhaps you are thinking of raising my royalty rate? Are you?’

‘Sorry, Titus, sorry. I should have kept my mouth shut. Come in, now.’

Titus enters the flat and kicks his shoes off in the hall. They are in good company. Astra has at least twenty pairs of shoes there. Light airy shoes that look very expensive. Shoes that go perfectly with Astra’s young, glowing and slim legs.

Astra is already in the kitchen. She pokes about behind the counter.

‘What can I offer you, Titus?’ she calls out to Titus when he walks through the living room. ‘Espresso? Latte? A beer?’

‘Yeah, that’d be good. A beer would go down nicely.’

‘I’ve only got medium-strong beer. But it’s cold and good!’

‘That’ll do fine.’

Astra gets out a beer and Titus sits on the other side of the counter. He strokes his crew-cut scalp with one hand and opens the beer can with the other. He looks pretty rugged, to put it politely. Then he empties about half of the contents of the can in a few large gulps. Astra looks at him at first with surprise, but her forehead and eyebrows stretch further for every gulp he takes. That doesn’t look as though it’s good for him, she seems to be thinking.

She knows very well what it is about. When she ‘inherited’ Titus Jensen a few years earlier, she had been warned about the way Titus burned his candle at both ends. His former editor couldn’t cope any longer with his empty talk and continuous binge drinking. Astra, who had built up a reputation at work for her strong will and her literary sense, got to take him over and had the task of trying to steer his work. But since his writing hadn’t gone anywhere for a long time, there was nothing to steer. Titus just went round and round.


But now it seemed as if the embers were about to flare up in Titus. Astra feels a mix of hope and worry.

‘Well, was there a bit of a party yesterday, then?’ she asks.

‘Err, yes. Sure. Really great. Eddie X was MC-ing. And he performed with Lenny, you know, and those other Tourette guys. I think Lenny and Eddie have known each other since they were kids. Lenny is bonkers. We were partying together all night and in the end Lenny could only say “c-c-cock in your ear!” “C-c-cock in your e-e-e-ar.” Over and over again. Just sat there and twitched and said “cock in your ear”. Completely out of it.’

‘There is medicine for that.’

‘Yeah, but he doesn’t want to take any. He says it would numb his mind.’

‘Who knows. I would like to have my mind numbed a bit if the only thing I could say was “cock in your ear”. Well, anyway…’

‘Whatever,’ says Titus, who is in a hurry to talk about his book idea. ‘I was livened up by that party. And an incredibly good idea suddenly popped up. Listen to this.’

With sweeping gestures, Titus starts to describe the book that is going to top all the lists in all categories at the same time. He has already got quite far with the actual plot. The protagonist is an overweight chief inspector whose career ambitions in the police force have stalled. But by being able to make fantastic dishes with special ingredients he starts slowly but surely to lose weight. It transpires that the weight loss is permanent. The slimming soon gives him energy and the self-confidence to set new targets for his life and his work. One thing after the other suddenly starts to run smoothly. His new way of looking at the world makes him question the methods used by the police. The unorthodox style of detective work he initiates soon bears fruit and a number of unsolved serial murders finally look as if they would find resolution, if it weren’t for his boss, the unsympathetic chief superintendent, who is keen on team spirit and ‘the way the police have always worked’. The hero of the book, the chief inspector who is now a normal weight, sets off a grass-roots revolution and a radical organisational transformation begins. It is a development story of great proportions. Criminal elements will be cowering.

Astra listens to Titus with growing interest. She has never seen Titus so enthusiastic before.

‘Do you get it?’ Titus croaks on. ‘Are you on board? With this framework I can fill in with wisdom, recipes and DIY tips at length. I can write any amount!’

‘I believe you,’ answers Astra slowly. ‘I really do.’

‘So what do you think? Shall I get going?’

You can hear Astra think. On the one hand she thinks it a good idea. A really good idea. Brilliant, quite simply. She knows that Titus writes superbly, and presumably a change of genre would be just the thing his writing needs. On the other hand, it is a crazy project. To let loose a more-or-less alcoholic author on the task of writing a bestseller can never end well. It is impossible to know in advance which books will sell, that much she does know. To give Titus false hopes might douse his flame for good. And how should she present the project at Winchester’s? If she says she is intending to turn Titus into a worldwide success, everybody is going to laugh at her. There is no way she is going to take that risk. But sometimes you’ve got to chance it, haven’t you? What the hell should she do?

She must give this more thought. At the same time, Titus deserves a response. Support and encouragement are a publisher’s most important contributions. Except for the advance on royalties, of course.

‘It’s a brilliant idea, Titus. It really is. The best I’ve heard for years, in fact. Besides, I think the book could be extremely well received if you are the person behind the project. You’ve got no “tainted record”, quite simply.’

‘Tainted record?’

‘You would be able to get good reviews. Nobody is going to believe that you are doing this just to be commercial. If you were a crime writer then they would make mincemeat of you. Or even worse a dietician, chef, cleric or management guru. But you are Titus Jensen, the heavyweight novelist.’

‘Umm… could I have another beer?’

‘Weren’t you going to drive me to the Winchester Villa afterwards?’

‘But it’s only medium-strong, damn it!’

‘Okay, okay…’ says Astra resignedly, and gets a beer out of the fridge.

‘So what do you think?’

‘I will be totally honest, Titus. The idea is superb. At the same time I do see a whole lot of risks involved. For you, for me and for Winchester’s. I’ll talk to Evita this evening, I promise. I’ll ask for a mandate to do this as a secret project that only you, me and she will know about. If she says yes, then the advance is in the post. If she says no, then I don’t know… What do you say, shall we let her make the decision? I promise to present the idea as positively as possible.’

‘Should I wait outside in the car, or what? Can’t I present the idea to Evita myself? I’ve written books for Winchester’s for years. You must have earned… well, a bit from me, at any rate.’

‘Trust me, Titus. And now I’m being totally honest again. Evita is a tough bird, you know that. You don’t exactly inspire confidence with the way you look now. And your breath is not the sweetest I have come across. I promise you, you don’t want to meet her today. I’ll phone you tomorrow. Is that okay?’

‘Okay…’

Titus is satisfied with that for now. What else could he do?

They talk a bit more about the book and which elements it can be filled with. The more they go into the plot, the better it feels.

They are happy and buoyant when Titus drives Astra to Evita Winchester. Titus then drives home to S?der and parks his car. He is happy, tired and needs a well-deserved rest after a hard working weekend and tough negotiations with his editor. Perhaps it would do him good to take a bracing evening walk before going to bed early.

Ten minutes later he is sitting and smoking at his regular table at the Association Bar.

It was a bracing walk.