The Best Book in the World

CHAPTER 38

The Contract


When Eddie and Lenny open the door to the earth cellar, they are almost knocked over by the stench and the smoke from Titus’ party. Eddie holds his nose and pushes the door with his foot.

‘Hello, Titus? Are you there?’ he says, cautiously. He doesn’t want Titus to be hiding just inside, ready to ambush him.

Titus hasn’t answered for more than twenty-four hours when they have tried to call him on the walkie-talkie. Sometimes they have heard a violent yelling and singing at the other end. Other times it has been either completely silent or they have heard him snoring loudly. When he was awake, they have tried to talk to him, but it has been completely impossible to get any sense out of him.

‘Hello? We’re coming in now.’

When the fresh country autumn air dilutes the stinking cloud, the fug in the cellar is dispersed. Eddie and Lenny get the situation under control.

Titus Jensen is not about to ambush them.

He is sitting at the camping table and sleeping with one cheek resting on a heap of cheese puffs. He has vomited and all the vomit has run down from the table and over the pile of empty bottles, crisp packets and half-eaten salami sausages. The two empty wine bottles on the table are filled with cigarette ends. One of the fluorescent lamps is hanging loosely from the ceiling. There is some sparking from the loose electric cable.

Eddie and Lenny stare at the mess and the human wreck. Titus breathes heavily.

‘Urgh! Jeeesus. Poor bastard,’ Lenny whispers quietly.

‘We’re getting close now,’ Eddie notes coldly.

‘I really hope so. This is no way to treat people.’

Eddie goes up to Titus and shakes him.

‘Titus! Wake up!’

He grabs the collar of Titus’ jacket and pulls him up against the back of the chair. His face is all slack and his mouth open. Eddie takes a large plastic bottle of tonic from the shelf, which he shakes thoroughly. Then he unscrews the cork and sprays Titus’ face with a hard and concentrated shower.

‘Titus, damn you. Wake up!’

‘Blaaah… Urrgh…’

‘We’re here now. You must confess. Sign the paper.’

Titus opens his eyes and stares at Eddie with a vacant look on his face. There is something friendly and accommodating deep inside that gaze. Not the slightest indication of hatred or anxiety. He raises his right hand somewhat listlessly.

‘Erglsss… plshhh… schine…’

‘What? What are you saying? Do you confess?’

‘Mmmm… appsollll…. mmm.’

‘Good. Repeat after me.’

‘… fffter mmmeeee’

‘I, Titus Jensen…’

‘Hiii, Titush Jenshen…’

‘…do hereby certify that I have stolen ideas as well as texts from The Best Book in the World from Eddie X. I confess that I have made a break-in at Eddie X’s. All the material that I have shown to my publishing house so far is nothing more than a completely plagiarised manuscript from works written by Eddie X. I hereby renounce all future claims to The Best Book in the World.’

‘Shhure… Appsolllute…! Yepp.’

Eddie grabs hold of Titus’ arm and drags it across the table a few times so that rubbish and dried-up vomit is wiped away. He places a sheet of paper on the table and puts a pen into Titus’ hand.

‘Sign here!’

Titus looks first at Eddie with a lazy gaze, and then at Lenny.

‘C… cock in your ear…’ says Lenny vacantly.

Titus puts the pen near the paper and the line on which he should sign. He hiccups before scratching his straggly signature.

‘Yepp. Iiii’mmm Titusssh… Titush Jenshen.’

‘Thank you.’

Eddie grabs the piece of paper off the table and with a few quick steps leaves the cellar. In the doorway, he turns round and looks at Titus and Lenny.

‘The next time we see each other, everything will be back to normal, won’t it?’ he says in a low voice. ‘Won’t it?’

Lenny looks at him with dead eyes. He doesn’t nod, but nor does he shake his head. He just stares at Eddie, his old friend whom he no longer knows. Titus’ gaze has become a little bit clearer. His eyebrows are now high on his forehead, he looks as if he has just woken up, surprised. What’s going on, he seems to be thinking. He looks first at Eddie, then at Lenny. His face gets some of its shape back and he breaks into a loving smile.

‘Cheeeerssh?’