A wry smile crept up his face. Sometimes his mother’s obtuse nature in regards to social cues could be an advantage. Fortunately, his mother remained blissfully unaware that her question to Dylan had been a catalyst for disaster. A disaster of Alec’s own making, of course.
Her words had simply lit the fuse to the bomb he’d built.
Phone pressed to his ear, he propped his elbows on his knees. “Technically, Dylan’s not my boyfriend.” He paused for a moment to let the confession sink in before forcing himself to go on. “I asked him to pretend.”
“I don’t understand.” The background shuffle of papers ended, his mother most likely blinking furiously as she tried to process the news. “Why would you pretend you were serious about Dylan?”
“I’m not pretending. I am serious about Dylan.” He’d never been more serious about anything in his life. Attempting to rub the furrows from his brow, he stared down at his bare feet, toes buried in the thick carpet. “He’s just not my boyfriend.”
The MD behind his name might stand for Massively Deluded, but one-way relationships were beyond even his delusional capabilities.
When she didn’t respond, he went on. “I know you envisioned Tyler and me married. And I hate to disappoint you, but—”
“There’s still a chance Tyler will choose to come back.”
Alec closed his eyes. He could keep his mouth shut. Keeping the truth to himself would certainly make this conversation easier. But he’d been doing exactly that for years, trying to ease things between him and his mother, between him and the rest of the world. And he couldn’t continue to hide those bits of himself, the most important bits, just to keep everyone happy.
“Tyler already asked me back, and I said no.”
The silence from the other end of the phone pressed in on his chest.
When his mother finally spoke, he could sense her deep disappointment. “Why?”
“Because I’m in love with Dylan.”
“But the two of you aren’t even in a relationship.”
A bitter scoff escaped, and Alec curled his toes deeper into the carpet. “I love you, Mom. And I appreciate all your efforts on my behalf. I really do. But…” He swallowed, forcing the words he should have said out loud years ago. “I can’t live my life trying to please you.”
“Alec.” His mother’s pause felt like forever. “You are better suited to marriage than most people I know. I worked hard to overturn DOMA and Proposition 8 because I wanted you happy.”
“No, you wanted you happy.”
Alec slammed his lids closed. He hadn’t meant to be so blunt. Silence came from the other end of the phone, and he could picture his mother, that blank look on her face. A familiar guilt stabbed at Alec.
But he couldn’t continue to let a sense of obligation rule his decisions.
“And I’m tired of feeling pressured to be your version of the perfect gay male,” he said.
Christ, unloading those words felt good.
“I want to share my life with Dylan, yes,” Alec said. “But I think you want me married because you feel a ring on my finger makes my being gay a little more acceptable.”
“I…” A hush followed. “You…”
Alec let out a sigh, the uncomfortable pause answer enough. He’d struck gold with his words.
“I’m your mother, and I love you.”
“I know.”
“And I have absolutely nothing against homosexuals.”
“I know.”
Her tone defensive, she went on. “The gay community has come a long way, but that doesn’t mean the prejudice has ended. Legitimizing your relationship—”
“What the world thinks about my personal relationship is not my problem.”
And wasn’t that the crux of the issue? Taking other people’s ideals—his mother’s, society’s, even the gay community’s—and letting them affect his decisions? He’d attended medical school because he wanted to practice medicine, but he’d been an overachiever to please his parents. He’d bypassed private practice and opened the clinic because he’d seen a need, but he knew the decision would make his family proud. And while he was thrilled the award money would expand the clinic’s reach, the prestige had meant nothing to him…outside of satisfying his parents and hopefully reflecting well on the LGBTQ community.
He was living the life he wanted, but he’d let a sense of obligation to be the “perfect” gay color the details along the way. Even his decision to live with Tyler and his desire to make their relationship legal.
“I don’t understand the sudden change of heart,” his mother finally said. “You fought for months so you could get married.”
“No.” Frustrated, the words came out more forceful than he intended. “I was fighting for my right to choose.” He reigned in the emotion, easing his tone. “There’s a difference.”
Alec scrubbed his face with his hand, letting the truth in his words sink in.
He knew his mother just wanted him happy. Unfortunately, she also believed society’s opinions mattered to him. Or maybe they simply mattered to her. Either way, he couldn’t afford to care anymore.
“But ultimately,” Alec said, “I don’t need a piece of paper with the government’s stamp of approval to validate my feelings.”