CHAPTER 9
My dreams are strange. The drowning nightmare collides with something new. One second I have the watery noose around my neck and the next I’m holding a gun and the walls are bleeding my name. I’ve shot someone. The pilot. A second after he dies, the man stands. His face is disturbing—it’s ghostly pale and rigor has set in, so all his loose flesh is pressed to the side. Crimson overflows from his eyelids, pouring down his chalky cheeks like twin rivers of blood. He moves so slowly, but I feel like I can’t escape. The man reaches for my neck and strangles me. Just as I suck in my last breath he explodes. Pieces of flesh fly in every direction and splatter against me. I scream and see Sean standing in blood red smoke. He walks toward me holding a noose. His voice sounds like he’s a million miles away even though he’s right in front of me. “Everything I touch...”
When his cold fingers press against my cheek, I screech, terrified. Suddenly, I’m in a box and the packaging peanuts are sucked out. The cardboard turns to silk and I realize it’s a coffin. I scream until my throat is raw and my lungs burn, but no one saves me.
Mel stands at my graveside, above me, patting her eyes with a tissue. “I tried to tell her, but she wouldn’t listen.” She’s talking to Marty, who says nothing. “Surviving justifies anything.”
The inside of the casket turns to fire and as the flames lick my feet, I can’t stand it anymore. I scream as I sit upright. I’ve clawed the satin off the coffin and it’s wrapped around me, pinning my arms to my sides. Tears streak my cheeks as I thrash, trying to get out.
That’s when I feel hands on my shoulders and hear his voice, “You’re all right. Wake up, Avery. Avery…?”
When my eyes open, I’m terrified. Sean is holding my shoulders and watching me. I want to break down and cry. I want to fall into his arms and purge my sorrow until there isn’t any left, but I can’t. “I’m fine.” I snap the words, embarrassed, and pull away from him. The blankets are tangled around my hips and legs.
“I didn’t want to wake you, but you were—”
“I’m fine.” I repeat the words again, more sternly this time.
“Very well.” Sean leans back against the bed. He’s still wearing his clothes. I’m in a shirt and no slacks. Getting tangled in the bedding always makes my nightmares worse, but this was the most horrific one I’ve ever had. I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, facing away from him. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
“All right, then, let’s get some food and get out of here for a while.”
“Sean,” I turn to look back at him, wondering what he wants from me. The room is cold and nasty looking. It’s as if it hasn’t been cleaned in a decade. Grime covers the walls and paint is old and cracked. There are filing cabinets along the opposite wall and a metal door to lock the employees out. I’m surprised Jon let us in here, especially with the way he and Sean are at each other’s throats.
Emptiness consumes me and I shiver. I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost. The one place I want to be, I’m not allowed. Sean won’t let me touch him.
Sean must read my thoughts because he holds out his arms toward me. “Come here.” I do as he says and crawl toward him on the bed. It gives beneath me and I crash into his chest. Sean’s strong arms close tightly around me and he kisses the top of my head. “This is where you belong.”
I know he doesn’t like me against his chest, so it’s weird to hear him say it. I hedge, “No one gets this close to your heart for long. I know that. It’s all right, Sean. I’m asking too much.”
“But maybe you’re right. Maybe you should be that close to me. Maybe I should drop my walls a little, at least around you. You trusted me to do things that terrify you because it’s what I needed. I can do the same for you. I can hold you. I can let you in.”
Tears sting my eyes and I start blinking rapidly, trying to chase them away. “Don’t say things like that to me.” I push away from him. I can’t take any more promises that crumble in my hands. I’m completely mental.
I try to stand and walk away, but Sean grabs my wrist. “I want to be there for you, I swear to God. I just don’t know how. Avery, tell me what you need.”
I shake my head and turn my face away from him so he can’t see the pain in my eyes. I want a man that doesn’t need directions. That snappy little voice in my head reminds me, they all need directions.
Pressing my lips together, I look back at him. Sean’s rumpled clothes cling to his toned body. His arm is extended toward me, barely holding on. It’s as if he’ll set me free, if I want it. And that’s the question I can’t answer. What do I want? Do I want this kind of relationship? Do I want to be owned by someone? No matter what he says, that’s part of Sean Ferro. Even if I tried to break him of that habit, he’ll always feel that way. I’m his. Is that so bad?
My mind shifts and compares him to Black. If I work for her, she’ll own me as well. It seems like no matter which path I choose, someone will be making me do things that I don’t want to do. I can’t picture myself in Black’s position at all, but then again, having money and never worrying about where I’m going to live would be nice. It feels more secure than a life with Sean. Sean’s mood changes with the breeze. I’m walking eggshells around him. I want to be myself and Black’s offering that to me.
Before I can answer, Sean derails my thoughts. He releases my wrist and crawls across the bed and kneels in front of me. He offers an unsure smile. It lights up his face for a second and then fades. “I should give this back to you, if you’re leaving.” He pulls the ring off his finger and holds it out for me.
Staring at it, I wonder what to do. I want to take it back and I don’t. I want to yell at him and I want to hug him. That settles it…that’s the test. If he can’t do something as simple as a hug, I can’t take this anymore. I need to be comforted and I need his arms around me. I go in without warning and wrap my arms around his waist, and press my body firmly to his chest. Sean tenses and his hands hover like he doesn’t know what to do. Right when I’m about to pull away, his strong hands come down around me, and hold me tight. Sean presses a kiss to my temple and then does the unthinkable—he rocks backward and pulls me down on top of him.
I yelp and fall onto his chest. He laughs lightly, but doesn’t let go. “You have a one track mind, Miss Smith. All you want are hugs, day and night. What’s a guy supposed to do? I’m going to have some serious chaffing at this rate.” His teasing is light, but there’s worry behind his eyes.
I slap his chest and try to pull away, but he won’t let me. We’re both laughing and a second later I’m staring at his lips, dying to taste them. Sean slips his ring onto a filing cabinet and sweeps his eyes over my body before leaning in slowly. It’s like a first kiss. I’m flushed and nervous, hot and excited. I wonder if he’s going to do it, if he’s really going to taste my lips. Sean said he wouldn’t, that he needed time, but the way his gaze dips to my mouth and the way he barely breathes—it makes me think he wants this kiss as badly as I do.
Make up your mind, Avery. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. The voice inside my head has a warning tone, like I’m trying to set my eyelashes on fire.
I counter, He passed the hug test. Shut up!
Yeah, ‘cuz that was a great test.
Dear God, I’ve gone crazy. I’m talking to myself instead of kissing a really hot guy. One kiss won’t hurt anything. I can still decide things later. It doesn’t mean anything. Well, it shouldn’t, but it does, and this hug means everything to me, too.
Sean’s eyes are locked on my mouth and as he inches closer my stomach fills with butterflies. I watch those dark lashes as he gets closer and closer. At some point I stop breathing and only notice when I shiver. Sean lingers kissably close, but doesn’t move. “Kiss me, Avery.”
I press my lips together firmly and shake my head ever so slightly. “Sean—”
“Kiss me. Use me. Take anything you want. I’m yours. I’ll be yours until I take my last breath and think of you every time I see the sky, the sun, or a snowflake. I can’t escape you and I don’t want to. Say I haven’t lost you. Tell me that you still love me.”
“I…” I love him. I know I do, but the words stick in my throat. I want to cry, but rather than giving into the emotional basket case side of my persona, I close the distance and press my lips to his. My eyes close as I savor the way his mouth feels against mine, warm and soft. I linger a bit longer than I should and then pull away.
Sean watches me as I sit back on my knees and press my hands to my lap. I’m shaking. I need to put some space between us. I have to think things through. My life hasn’t turned out the way I wanted, but there’s still an ember of hope that I can turn things around. I push up off the bed and stand. Sean doesn’t move. His blue gaze dips as if he knows what I’m going to say.
“I can’t. I need to go.” I don’t explain further. My eyes are glassy and I turn away before tears drip down my cheeks. It feels like someone is squeezing my heart so tight that it can’t beat. I need him and that’s what scares me most.