Chapter FORTY-ONE
WITH MORE JACK Daniel’s in his veins than he’d ever had, his emotions went wonky. He continued to laugh. He couldn’t help it. “Hi, Mom,” he said. But the moment he said the word “mom,” the humor escaped him.
“Let me help you.” She stepped inside, kicked off her shoes, caught him under his arms, and guided him to the sofa. He should’ve been madder than hell, her showing up here, and part of him was. Yet the half a dozen times he’d actually drunk this much he’d been told he was a happy drunk.
But once his butt hit his leather sofa, he looked up, and happiness faded. “You can go. The door’s that way.”
She picked up his almost empty bottle of whiskey and turned toward the kitchen.
“What’re you doing?”
“Putting it away,” she said. “And making coffee.”
He scowled. “Don’t pretend to care.”
“I’m not going to pretend anything,” she said. “But I know from personal experience when someone’s had enough.”
She walked toward the kitchen. He should insist again that she leave, but another wave of nausea hit. He collapsed back and shut his eyes. The smell of coffee stirred him out of his stupor. He opened his eyes. A cup waited on the coffee table. The woman had pulled a kitchen chair beside him and sat there staring.
“I want you to leave,” he muttered.
She handed him a damp washcloth.
He wiped it across his face. “The door’s that way.”
She leaned forward. “Let me say a few things first. Chances are you won’t remember them anyway.”
“I’ll remember. I don’t forget things… like leaving my kid at day care for over two decades.”
She frowned. “I deserve that.”
“Yup,” Austin said. “But why do you think you deserve a chance to clear your conscience?”
She held her chin high. “I don’t deserve anything, but I thought you might deserve to know some things.”
He pushed a palm over his face. “I’ve had a shitty day, so leave.”
“What happened?”
He propped his elbows on his knees and then dropped his pounding head into his hands. After a second, he looked up. “I had another woman walk out on me. This makes the third. No, fourth. You got me twice.”
She frowned. “Did she leave because of your drinking?”
His sour stomach clenched. She had no right to judge him. “You think I’m like you? I’m not a drunk or a druggie.”
She just stared.
“Okay, tonight I’m drunk. But I’ve only done this… Oh, hell, why am I talking to you?” Because he was drunk.
She sighed. “Why did this woman walk out on you? She meet someone else?”
Austin felt compelled to defend Leah. “She’s not like that. I did something she can’t forgive me for.” I got her brother killed. At least that was part of it. He didn’t know what the other part was. She obviously hadn’t cared enough. “Isn’t the whole forgiving thing ironic? Because I can’t forgive you for…” He needed to shut up. Why the hell had he opened the door?
Oh, yeah, he’d thought it might be Leah.
Candy walked toward the door, but instead of leaving, she grabbed her purse and came back.
She pulled out an envelope and dropped it on the coffee table, and a couple of pictures slid halfway out. “Do you know the saying, ‘If you love something, let it go’? Well, that’s what I did. Now I realize that the saying’s nothing but bullshit.” She paused. “Then again, I’m not sure if I wouldn’t have messed you up worse if I had come back. I’d get clean, swear to stay clean, and then something would happen and I was back at it.”
She didn’t cry, she said it matter-of-factly, as if a practiced speech. “But there wasn’t a day that I didn’t think about you. I know I wasn’t in your life, but you were always in mine. I had a lawyer friend call CPS and check on you every few months, and I’d find you. I took pictures.” She dropped back into the chair. “When you graduated high school… I watched you walk across that stage. I was so proud because I never did finish school. And when you graduated from the police academy, I was there, too. I know I didn’t deserve to be there. But, like I said, I thought you might deserve to know that I was.”
He didn’t pick up the pictures, just stared at the steam floating off the coffee. What the hell did she expect him to say?
“I’ve been sober and clean for ten years. It’s taken me this long to get the guts up to come see you.” She stood. “I hope you remember some of this. And if you ever need anything, my number is on the back of that envelope.”
She walked to the door, but turned. “Do you love her? The girl?”
He didn’t answer.
“If so, go tell her how sorry you are. She might not forgive you, but if you don’t at least try to make things right, there may come a time that you can’t forgive yourself.” With those parting words, she left.
The click of the door closing echoed in his chest. “Leah said the same thing about you,” he muttered. Right then, Spooky came out from under the sofa and bumped his head to Austin’s knee.
Tell her how sorry you are. An overwhelming need to talk to Leah swelled inside him. He reached for his phone. No, a call wouldn’t do. He had to look her in the eyes, so she’d know he meant it.
Sort of like his mom had done. Right in the eyes. He pushed that thought away.
He needed to make sure Leah knew how sorry he was that her brother died. Hell, maybe she was just grieving and he should have tried harder to explain… explain what?
The question hung in his mind.
Do you love her?
He loved Leah. He’d known it, deep inside he’d known it for a while, but he just hadn’t admitted it to himself. And he hadn’t told her. Standing up, he tried to remember where he’d put his keys, but when he stumbled, he accepted he couldn’t drive.
Turning, he found his phone again. This time he dialed.
Roberto raised his hand to knock, then checked his phone for the time. After nine. Was she already in bed? He should wait. Call her in the morning and set up a date.
Hell, he didn’t want to wait. He knocked.
He heard footsteps. Saw the peephole go dark. Heard her opening the door.
She didn’t say anything, just stared, eyes wide. “You’re alive,” she finally spit out.
He nodded and waited to see if she was going to invite him in. Waited to see if she meant what she’d said about giving him another chance.
“Brian’s asleep,” she said.
That didn’t sound good. “So it’s not a good time?”
She hesitated. “I thought you wanted to go out on a date next weekend?”
He wanted to touch her so bad his teeth ached. Wanted her to help remind him he was still alive, yet that didn’t seem to be what she wanted.
She looked back inside. “I… He’s young and impressionable and I don’t want… I have to be careful not to… I don’t won’t people walking in and out of his life.”
She didn’t trust him with her son. Damn that stung. He nodded. “Later.” He walked away, his chest aching.
“You look drunk,” Dallas told him as he and Tyler walked inside. When Austin called, they were still at the office coming to terms about DeLuna. Or maybe celebrating. But Austin couldn’t celebrate. It felt wrong.
“If I wasn’t drunk, I’d have driven myself.”
Tyler gave him a hard look. “You sure about this?”
“Positive. Let’s go. It’s gonna be midnight before we get there.” Not that it mattered. Their wives wouldn’t be back until the next day.
Dallas cocked a brow. “This can’t wait until morning?”
“Damn, I thought of all people, you two would understand. Besides, you two owe me.”
“We owe you?” Dallas asked.
“Yeah, your wife got me in the eyes with pepper spray and yours…” He looked at Tyler. “Zoe brought that damn ugly cat into my life and made me look like a scared little boy.”
“What do our wives have to do with this?” Dallas asked.
“I love Leah like you two love them.”
Tyler laughed. “Never thought I’d see the day you turned into a wuss for a girl.”
Dallas elbowed Tyler. “You and I are wusses.”
Austin frowned. “If loving her makes me a wuss, then call me a wuss. I’ll get it tattooed on my ass, too.”
Dallas and Tyler chatted all the way to Heartbroke. Austin sat in the back, his eyes closed, but awake. What the hell was he going to say to Leah? How was he going to convince her that they belonged together?
Every time he’d start working on his speech, he’d hear something Candy Adams had said. Why did she somehow seem connected with the whole Leah issue? Then he understood. She was the reason he’d worked so hard not to let Leah close. His mind turned to the photographs Candy had left. He hadn’t looked at them. He wouldn’t.
Or would he?
Shit! He was confused about Candy, but he wasn’t confused about Leah anymore. He knew what he needed to tell her: I love you.
Roberto made it all the way down the steps before he realized how stupid he was for feeling this way. The fact that she cared about her son was one of the reasons he’d fallen for her.
He turned around and started back up the stairs. He had to tell her he respected her. He had to tell her he’d wait until this weekend. Hell, he’d wait as long as it took.
His phone rang as he stopped at her door. He looked at the number and flipped open the phone.
“Please come back,” she said before he could answer.
“I’m already back. I have to see you, just for a few minutes.”
She swung open the door, tears in her eyes. “I’m just scared—”
“It’s okay,” he said, and smiled. “I respect you for putting him first. I lost my son, so I know how precious they are. And I’d never do anything to hurt you or him. And I still want the chance to prove that to you.”
She stepped out. He reached for her. She came up on her tiptoes and kissed him. He wrapped his arms around her, needing her touch. When it ended, she took his hand and started in.
He stopped. “I don’t have to come inside.”
“It’s—”
“No, let’s do this the way you wanted it. Slow. I respect that.”
She blinked. “Is it over?”
He knew what she was asking. Was DeLuna dead? He nodded.
“I’m glad,” she said.
“I’m glad it’s behind me, but oddly enough that’s not what’s fixed me,” he said. “You did that.”
He leaned in one more time and kissed her. “I’ll see you next weekend.”
Almost midnight that evening, Leah lay in bed. Her head hurt from crying. Her heart hurt from missing Austin. She wasn’t a kitten’s whisker away from falling in love with him. It had already brushed up against her heart.
Why hadn’t she told him the truth? Told him she didn’t want to be his weekend bootie call? Why had she walked away without trying harder?
Several answers whispered back at her. Pride. Being in love was one thing; admitting to it when the other person wasn’t feeling it was another stupid thing altogether.
But wasn’t denying it even more stupid? Then there was the fear. Fear that saying it aloud would make it hurt worse. But it couldn’t hurt worse than now, could it?
Sitting up, she reached for her phone. What was she going to say to him?
If he cared about her, wouldn’t he have called? She hesitated, her finger hovering over his number.
Austin sent Dallas and Tyler packing. He stood in front of her door, his hand poised to knock, but fear held him back. What if she slammed the door in his face? What if she didn’t even answer? What if she told him she never wanted to see him again?
But what if she didn’t?
He had to do this.
His phone rang. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. He went to cut it off and saw the number. His heart lurched.
“Hello?”
“Were you asleep?” Leah sounded nervous.
“No. Wide awake.”
Silence filled the line.
“Leah—”
“Austin—” They blurted out at the same time.
“You go first,” he said.
She hesitated. “We need to talk.”
“Wouldn’t you rather do that in person?” he asked.
“I don’t think it can wait.” She sounded disappointed.
“How long does it take to get to your door?”
“You’re at my door?” she asked. Was that a smile in her voice?
“Yup.”
He heard her scrambling out of bed. The bolts clicked and the door swung open.
She ran at him. He picked her up. She wrapped her legs around his waist. They kissed. Kissed like they hadn’t seen each other in weeks. Kissed like she hadn’t told him she didn’t want him.
As quickly as it began, she stopped kissing him. “I won’t be your weekend bootie call.”
“What?” Hands on her bottom, he held her close.
“I won’t be your mistress.”
“My mistress?”
“Yeah, I loved my mom, but I refuse to make the same mistakes she did.”
His heart wrapped around what she said. “That’s what you thought I wanted?”
She put her hand over his mouth. “Just listen. I’ll be your girlfriend, but I won’t be excluded from the drudgery parts of life. I want it all. The getting mad because you’re late from work, the day-to-day headaches. The arguing over who gets the remote and whether or not we use butter or margarine. I want to cook grilled cheeses with you.”
“Leah—”
She pressed her fingers tighter over his mouth. “I’m still talking.”
He bit her.
She frowned; he laughed.
“It’s my turn to talk. I love you.”
Her eyes widened. “You do?”
“It scares the hell out of me, but I do. And you know that saying that if you love something, you let it go? Well, that’s a bunch of bullshit. I’m not letting you go. So how about building a house with me—on my property? How about being a part of the drudgery of my life?”
Her grin crinkled her eyes and her dimple winked at him. “I’d love to build a house with you. I love drudgery. And… I love you, too.”
He went back in for another kiss and stopped. “One thing, I’m ambivalent about sharing you with your boyfriend.”
“My what? I don’t have—”
“Your purple, battery-operated friend.”
She thumped him in the chest with her palm, and then they both laughed. And Austin had a feeling that with Leah in his life he was going to be doing a lot of that. Real, Austin thought. He’d found the real thing.