No need, he signs. He mouths the words while he does it, so I get it.
“Don’t let me run into anything,” I warn. I like looking at him. Apparently, a lot of other women do, too. His arms are naked, his t shirt straining across his shoulders. You can see his tattoos, which go all the way to his hairline on the back of his neck. He attracts a lot of attention. “Women really love you, don’t they?” I ask. He’s drawn more than one pair of eyes, from the teenagers to the cougars. They all stop to stare as he walks past. And having his brothers with him doesn’t help any. They’re a good looking group of boys.
He shrugs, looking sort of put out by my question.
When we get to the park, Matt goes and sits on a bench and I drop down beside him. Logan goes with Sam and Pete to toss the ball around. Paul chases Hayley over to the swings. “How are you feeling?” I ask of Matt.
“Fine,” he says quickly. He doesn’t elaborate.
“You don’t look fine,” I blurt out. I can’t help it. He doesn’t.
“Thanks,” he says, his voice droll. “I love to hear how bad I look from beautiful girls.” He nods. “Appreciate it.”
“Why didn’t you stay home to rest?”
“Honestly?” he asks, looking at me out of the corner of his eye. He’s leaning forward so that his elbows rest on his knees. He plucks a blade of grass.
“No, lie to me,” I respond. Then I roll my eyes.
He chuckles. “I don’t know how many more moments I’ll have to do this. I want to suck every bit of life from the moments I have.”
Tears prick at the backs of my lashes. “Are you afraid?” I ask quietly.
“Only every fucking day,” he says on a heavy sigh.
“Oh.” I don’t know what else I can say. “What’s your prognosis?” I ask. I don’t know why I’m being so nosy. I just want to know what Logan will be up against. And Matt. But mainly for Logan. I might be able to do something to cushion his blow.
“Don’t know. I go back in two weeks and they’ll tell me if the chemo worked.”
I nod. What can you say to that? Hope it’s good news. Hope you’re going to live. Oh, you’re going to be just fine. None of those seem appropriate.
He turns so that his knee is facing me, his arm lying along the back of the bench. “I’ve been trying to plan. For when I’m gone.”
Shoot. What should I say to that? “That’s smart.” I’m an idiot.
“I have letters for all my brothers. I already wrote them.”
“Is that what you’ve been doing all day?”
He nods, playing with the piece of grass, rolling it between his fingers.
“They’ll appreciate them if anything ever happens to you.”
“When something happens to me,” he says, correcting me. “It’s just a matter of how long I have at this point, I think. I can feel it.”
I cover my hand with his on the back of the bench, and give it a squeeze. “Is there anything at all I can do for you? Anything to help you plan?”
He looks at me, hard. His green eyes bore into mine. “If you’re still around when it’s time, can I give you the letters? To share with them when I’m gone?”
“I’ll still be around,” I say. I’m not going anywhere. Not any time soon. “And yes, I can take your letters. Just tell me how and when you want them delivered.”
He nods. “I have one for this girl, too. April is her name. Logan will be able to find her. But he won’t give her a letter from me. He sort of hates her.”
“She probably deserves it,” I mumble.
He chuckles. “You don’t get to pick who you fall in love with.” He sits silent for a minute. Then he says, “Don’t let them put me on the mantel or anything,” he says. “I fucking hate the idea of being stuffed in an urn.”
“What would you want them to do with your ashes, if they could?” I kick at a rock that’s near my toe.
“I don’t give a fuck, as long as I’m not stuck on the mantelpiece.” He chuckles.
“Don’t give up yet, all right?” I ask.
He nods. “I’m fighting ‘til the day I die. But there are things I need to plan for.”
I nod. I understand.
Logan walks over and stands in front of me. He signs something. The only sign I recognize is the word girl.
“No, I’m not putting the moves on your girl,” Matt complains. Then he laughs. “She’s putting the moves on me.”
Logan turns to me, his mouth hanging open wide. But his eyes dance with laughter. He pulls on my hands until I stand up. Then he bends and tosses me over his shoulder and spins in a circle. I scream, covering my eyes. I know he won’t drop me, but still.