Talking Dirty with the CEO

chapter Twelve


Joseph ran. The steady thump of his feet on the treadmill normally soothed him, but not today. Four weeks after Christie walked out of his office and he couldn’t settle. Not on anything. He upped the pace, the sweat pouring off him, running harder, faster.

But his mind was like the treadmill, going over and over the same old ground. Christie’s pale face, eyes gone dark. Pain clear in the depths of them. And her voice.

Okay. If that’s the way you want it.

Liar. It wasn’t the way he’d wanted it. When she’d told him he’d made her believe in herself, he’d felt like more than an against-the-odds success story. More than a brilliant IT genius. More than a guy with ADHD. More than a label.

She’d made him feel like a person. She always had.

But he’d done the right thing in sending her away. He had. If he kept telling himself that often enough, maybe one day he’d believe it.

The door of his office opened and Jude came in.

Joseph cursed. He’d ordered Amy, the receptionist downstairs, to run interference on any visitors, especially visitors like his sister, but something must have gone wrong. Still, he didn’t stop running.

“Did we have an appointment I forgot?” he panted out.

She’d been trying to contact him for weeks now, asking him what was wrong. For some reason she wouldn’t take his “nothing” for an answer.

“No. You’ve been avoiding me so I thought I’d go direct. Beard the lion, etc.”

“How did you get past Amy?”

“I told her there was a courier outside with a huge bunch of flowers for her and he didn’t know where to put them. She couldn’t leave the desk fast enough.”

Slick, that was Jude.

She paused in the middle of the room, arms folded. “I want to talk to you.”

“I’m in the middle of a workout.”

“Actually, you’re in the middle of a meltdown.” Striding over to the treadmill, she punched the button and the machine began to wind down.

Joseph put his hands on the bars on either side of the machine and gave her an irritated look. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’m not the one being ridiculous. Look at you. How many times have you been on that thing today?”

Five. Maybe six. Not that she needed to know that. “None of your business.” He reached for the towel on the floor nearby, mopping his face.

“It’s her, isn’t it?”

Joseph didn’t look at his sister. “No.”

“Ah.”

“What do you mean, ‘ah’?”

“Well, you didn’t immediately ask who I was talking about. Which means that it’s definitely her.”

Damn Jude. Damn her to hell.

Joseph swung the towel around his neck, stepping down off the machine. “I’m not talking about this now, okay?”

“Why not? Scared?”

“I’m not scared.”

“Yes, you are. You’re terrified.”

He turned away, suddenly viciously angry. The same kind of anger that had dogged him for weeks now. “Leave it.” He stalked over to his desk, picked up the water bottle sitting on the top, and took a long swallow. “I meant to say, got an e-mail from Caleb yesterday. His contract with that UK club is almost up and he’ll be coming home in a month.”

Judith scowled. “Wonderful,” she muttered. “Now my day is truly complete. But can we not talk about Mr. Shag-Anything-That-Moves?” She fixed him with a look so sharp the edges just about cut him to death. “I want to know about this woman who’s got you tied up in knots.”

“She hasn’t—”

“Crap. You’re so wound up all you need is a pair of ears and you could stand in for the Energizer Bunny. What the hell are you so afraid of?”

He let out a breath. Put down the water bottle. “She’s in love with me. That’s what she told me. And you know what’ll happen? One day I’ll miss an important date or I’ll zone out one too many times, or I’ll forget she even existed for a moment. Or even worse, one day I’ll wake up and I’ll find she doesn’t interest me anymore. And it’ll hurt. It’ll hurt her. She doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment.”

Jude stared at him. “And how do you feel about her?”

A slow clench of his heart. “I like her, but that’s it.”

“Rubbish.”

“It’s not rubbish.”

“Sure it is. You feel something for her. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be pushing her away like this.”

He scowled at her. “I’m not pushing her away.”

“Aren’t you? It’s what you always do, you know. When anyone gets close. Caleb and Luke are just about the only people other than your family you haven’t managed to alienate, though God knows you certainly tried hard enough.”

“Jude—”

“No, don’t try to deny it. You push people away, then use the ADHD as an excuse not to have to deal with it.”

He found his hands closed into fists. “It’s not an excuse.”

“Yes, it is. What do you think’s going to happen? That once people find out who the real you is, they’re going to run away?”

“No, that’s got nothing—”

“Not everyone is like Mum.”

He stopped, looking at her in shock. “What’s Mum got to do with this?”

Jude’s blue eyes had that stubborn, uncompromising look they always got when she was going to tell him something she knew he didn’t want to hear. “I know you blame yourself for the way she left.”

“No, I don’t. That was a decision—”

“You do. Even at thirteen you knew how difficult your behavior was for her to manage. Dad was hardly around, so she had to cope on her own. And she couldn’t.”

“I’m not having this discussion.” Joseph turned, walking blindly toward the door of his office, not even sure where he was going. Only knowing he had to leave.

“Don’t push her away.” Jude’s voice was like an arrow in the back. “You say you don’t want to hurt her, but isn’t that what you’re doing now?”

He put his hand on the door handle. “No, I’m trying to prevent her from being hurt any more than she already has been.”

“Are you so sure? Remember how you felt when Mum left? Aren’t you doing to her exactly what Mum did to you?”

He stopped dead, his hand motionless on the door handle.

“You love her, I know you do.” Jude’s voice was very quiet. “And you said she loves you. Don’t throw that away.”

Joseph stared at the wooden grain of the door.

You love her.

Did he? Had he fallen in love with Christie?

“I don’t want to let her down,” he heard himself say hoarsely. “Not the way I have with you.”

“You’ve never let me down. Not when it counted. Not once.”

He wanted to believe that. Wished he could believe that.

Throwing the towel to one side, Joseph stalked out of his office, suddenly needing space. Air. In the area outside, activity came to a standstill as everyone looked at him and then abruptly went back to their tasks.

Jesus, he’d never heard his staff so quiet. And in fact, now that he thought about it, they’d been quiet for the past four weeks.

Afraid of you because you’ve been the boss from hell for the past four weeks.

A barb of agony sunk deep inside him. Yeah, he hadn’t been right for weeks now. Hadn’t been able to concentrate. Hadn’t been able to think. All his reminders had gone out the window and he’d missed some important deadlines because something had distracted him. Something stupid like searching for Gothic metal songs online or trying to find vintage parts for a certain computer on a specialist website. Stupid, irrelevant things.

And now his staff was scared of him because he’d been a moody bastard.

He swore under his breath, took the elevator down to the ground floor, and walked outside. Walking down the sidewalk just because he needed to walk. To move. To get away from the horrible, terrible restlessness that burned inside him.

When would it go the hell away?

He passed a shop and had his attention caught by a pair of shoes in the window. Ugg boots.

Christie.

Something inside him faltered, like missing a step going down stairs, making his breath catch.

You love her, Joseph. Don’t push her away.

And suddenly longing gripped him. A longing so intense he couldn’t breathe.

He missed her. Missed her smile, her quick wit, her laughter, her curiosity, her passion. The way she calmed him. The way he could look at her for hours and not have the restlessness eat away at him. Hell, he even missed her stubborn determination and her spine of pure steel.

He missed her so much it left him aching right down to his bones.

He did love her.

The knowledge of it held him rooted to the spot, an unconscious hand on the shop window, staring at the shoes on display.

He couldn’t let her go. Regardless of what was best for her, what was best for him was her in his life.

Joseph stepped away from the window and went into the shop.

…

Christie was knee-deep in zombies when the phone on her desk rang. She tried ignoring it for a while—the level she was playing in Zombie Force Online was a fiendish one—but when it became apparent that whoever was on the line wasn’t going to give up, she cursed and logged out of the game.

“What?” she snapped into the phone with very bad grace.

“Christie?” said Claire, the Total Tech receptionist. “You have a visitor.”

Feeling bad because really, Claire was very nice and didn’t deserve such rudeness, Christie made an effort. “Sorry, Claire. Bad moment.” Bad whole month in actual fact, but Claire wasn’t to know that. “Send them through.”

To tell the honest truth she wasn’t that interested in visitors. What she wanted was to continue her lunchtime Zombie Force game because God knew there was nothing more distracting than killing a bunch of zombies.

Not that she needed distraction, of course.

No, she was doing very well, thank you very much. Doing well not thinking of him. Not wondering what he was doing or where he was. Concentrating only on work and the new piece Ben had approved, her article on the resurgence of vintage computers and a how-to guide on rebuilding them. She was enjoying it. Even though the computer she’d started restoring sat on her kitchen table, still at the same stage as when Joseph had visited. She just hadn’t been able to face returning to it.

But she would. Of course she would.

At some point in the distant future when her heart had somehow miraculously healed itself.

“Don’t you want to know who it is?” Claire asked and Christie finally picked up on the small quiver of excitement in the other woman’s voice.

“Not particularly,” she said, frowning at the phone. “Is it someone exciting?”

“Oh, yes.” Claire’s voice had descended into a whisper.

And a hand closed around Christie’s heart in sudden foreboding. Oh, God, no. It couldn’t be.

“It’s Joseph Ashton!” Claire continued, sounding like she was just about to burst apart with excitement. “You know, the Ashton Tech guy!”

Oh yes, Christie knew. And no, she didn’t want to see him. Not now. Not ever. She opened her mouth to say those exact words but just as her brain sent the command to her vocal cords, the door to the Total Tech office burst open and Joseph bloody Ashton was standing on the threshold.

Christie felt a wrecking ball land on her stomach.

He was in ratty old sweatpants and a faded black T-shirt, his hair standing up on end as if he’d run his hands through it one too many times, a big white bag held in one hand. He stood uncharacteristically motionless, his eyes glittering like Indian sapphires as they searched for and found her, the air itself slowing down and becoming thick and dense with tension as he stared at her.

The other guys in the office began to realize something was up, heads turning toward the door where Joseph stood, conversations faltering, then falling silent.

“Christie?” he said, the familiar sound of his melted chocolate voice making her shiver.

The collective gaze of the entire office switched to where she sat, rooted to the spot at her desk.

She swallowed, her throat constricting. Her whole body trembled with the need to throw herself into Joseph’s arms and hold on. But she wouldn’t. Regardless of why he was here, he’d told her exactly where he stood on that particular matter. And besides, so what if he didn’t love her? She didn’t care. She really didn’t.

“J-Joseph,” Christie said, trying to sound businesslike. “What are you doing here?”

He didn’t seem to notice that every single person in the office was now looking at him, his gaze locked on her. “I need to see you.”

“Oh.” Tearing her eyes from his, Christie moved her stapler and shifted her keyboard more to the center of her desk. “W-well, as you can see, I’m a little b-busy right now so—”

“Please.”

The raw need in his voice made her catch her breath. Her shaking hand shifted a block of Post-it notes.

I don’t care why you’re here. I don’t care what you say.

She gritted her teeth, staring firmly at her computer screen and not at him. Or the assembled masses currently gaping at her from their desks. Christie made a minute adjustment to the placement of her mouse. “I r-really am very b-busy…”

“Please, Christie. Don’t send me away.” An echo of pain in the words. An echo finding an answer in her own heart.

She looked up and found him standing near her desk, looking down at her with such intensity her throat clogged up and the words of denial she’d been going to say vanished from her head.

“I’m sorry,” Joseph said hoarsely into the silence, as if he didn’t know fifteen other people were watching him. As if he and Christie were alone. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. You didn’t deserve that. You deserve… God, you deserve so much better.”

Tears pricked her eyes. Oh, bugger, she was going to cry. Right here at her desk with all her work colleagues staring at her.

“Joseph,” she began.

But he ignored her, dropping the white bag on the floor and stepping up to her desk. Putting his hands on the edges of it, leaning forward to look right into her eyes. “You deserve a better man than me, Christie St. John. You know that, right?”

Her heart seemed to stop. “I-I-I—”

“You deserve someone richer. Kinder. Someone who’ll never let you down. Who’ll never hurt you. Christ—” he gave a short laugh “—you deserve a man who can at least concentrate for more than ten seconds at a time.”

“Joseph—”

“But the thing is, you won’t find a man who loves you as much as I do.”

The entire office was silent. You could have heard the rustle of a fly’s wing.

Somewhere someone started clapping but was hurriedly shushed by someone else.

Christie was too busy staring at Joseph, the words hitting her like a punch to the stomach. Forgetting about the crowd of people watching this with fascination, she said in a thin, reedy voice, “You l-love me? But you told me that—”

“I know. I was wrong.” Joseph’s blue eyes never left hers. “I told myself I didn’t. Because I was afraid, Christie. I don’t deserve you.”

“Ahem.” Marisa, who had been standing behind Christie’s desk, gave them both a meaningful look. “I hate to break this up, but would you guys like to go somewhere more private?”

As if realizing where he was for the first time, Joseph looked around and took in the avid faces of the assembled Total Tech staff. Something in his gaze must have been rather menacing because abruptly they scattered, all of them seeming to have urgent tasks to do.

He pushed himself away from Christie’s desk. “I don’t care who’s bloody watching. I love this woman and I’m not ashamed to say it.” Then he glanced at her and frowned. Leaned over and gently brushed away a rogue tear that had escaped without her permission. “On second thought, maybe that’s a good idea.”

“Try Ben’s office. He’s on leave today.” Marisa raised a pointed eyebrow. “All day.”

But Christie was barely taking in anything, reeling from Joseph’s very public confession.

As Joseph ushered her into Ben’s tiny office, closing the door very firmly behind them, she burst out. “I don’t understand. What changed, Joseph?”

He didn’t answer immediately, beginning to pace in front of the door, hands thrust in the pockets of his jeans. His gaze never left hers, the look in them pinning her to the spot. After a moment he said, “What changed? It’s very simple. I realized I couldn’t live without you.”

Pressure in her chest, squeezing so tight. “You said you didn’t deserve me.”

“And I don’t. But I’m a selfish bastard, and not having you was worse than having you and hurting you.”

“Joseph, I—”

“Do you still love me?” He’d stopped pacing.

“W-what?”

“Do you still love me, Christie? Answer me.”

She couldn’t lie. Already difficult for her, Joseph’s confession had now just made it impossible. “Yes,” she croaked out.

He let out a breath, relief obvious in his eyes. But he made no move toward her, just stood there with his hands in his pockets. “I want you. I want you more than my next breath. But the choice has to be yours. I’m not an easy person to live with. The ADHD makes relationships hard to maintain. I’ve…lost friends in the past. Lost people I’ve cared about.” A small hesitation. “My mother left because of me.”

“I…I thought you said you didn’t know why she left.”

“No. I know. But my ADHD was severe. I had lots of behavioral problems. Learning difficulties. I got in trouble all the time. I just didn’t have any control over my behavior. My mother couldn’t cope. Dad was away a lot and…she couldn’t handle me.” His voice sounded unsteady. “At first she used to lock me in my bedroom just to contain me. That worked for a while but then, when I got bigger, I kicked a hole through the wall so I could get out. So after that she used to lock herself in her bedroom to get away from me.”

There was an ache in her throat, more tears lurking behind her eyes ready to flood out of her. Hurting for him. For the small boy he’d once been. “Oh, God, Joseph…”

“I used to hear her crying. And I knew it was because of me.”

Christie took a step toward him but he held up his hand, a raw look on his face. “Don’t. Don’t touch me. I want to be with you, Christie. More than anything in the world. But you have to understand what it will be like if you choose me. And you have to be sure. Because I can’t change. All I can do is manage who I am. And if…if…” His voice shook. “If you can’t handle it. If you can’t handle me…” Anguish in his eyes. An old pain. An old fear. “If you left me, if you ended up hating me, I don’t think I could bear it a second time.”

Joseph’s figure wavered in front of her, tears obscuring her vision. Everything ached. Her throat, her chest, her heart.

She walked up to him, right up close. Then reached up and touched his face with her hand, her palm against the warm skin of his jaw. He looked at her, his mouth a grim line.

“I don’t want you to change. I don’t want you to be different. All I’ve ever seen is this incredible energy, this intensity, this amazing intelligence. Why do you think you’re so successful?”

She heard him take a breath, saw the denial in his eyes. “I don’t think you understa—”

“No,” she said, cutting him off. “Actually I think you’re the one who doesn’t understand.” She lifted her hands, took his face between them. “You told me you can’t change, and I’m telling you I don’t want you to change. I want you just the way you are.”

“Christie, there’s a reason I only had a couple of friends as a kid. A reason I never had any relationships that lasted longer than a couple of days. I can’t maintain them.”

“What about your sister? You’re close to her, aren’t you?”

“Yes, but she’s my sister.”

“So? Your mother was your mother and yet she left.”

“Jude would never—”

“No. Because she loves you. And so do I.” She stroked his cheeks with her thumbs, wanting to take away the doubt she saw in his eyes. “You made me see the strength within myself. Now it’s your turn to let me show you yours.”

Something flared in his eyes. “What strength?”

“Your ability to care. Your loyalty. Your humor. Your excitement. Your enthusiasm. Your incredible focus. The way you make me feel like the center of the entire universe. You have so many strengths. So many.”

For a long moment he just stared at her. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I know you don’t. But you have to know, I don’t walk away from people just because they’ve hurt me a couple of times.” She managed a smile. “Hey, I stuck by my stupid family for years and years and years, remember?”

All the tension seemed to drain out of his body. He put his arms around her. “When I said that stuff about me getting bored, that was an excuse,” he said hoarsely. “I don’t think I could ever get bored with you.”

She grinned. “You better bloody not. I might be forced to do something stupid to entertain you.”

His hands reached for her face, tilting it back so her mouth was there for him to kiss. And when he did, a dark cloud that had been hanging over her for so long suddenly disappeared.

She pressed against his chest, remembering something. “What’s in that bag?”

Joseph gave a breathless laugh. “Oh hell. That.” He released her, picked up the bag where he’d dropped it by the door, and held it out to her. “A present for you, honey.”

Christie took it and pulled out a long, heavy box. Then she tugged the top of it and stared at the contents. A pair of Ugg boots.

“You’re kidding me,” she breathed. “No way.”

“Only the best for you, Naughtygirl.”

She looked up into his blue eyes. Saw in them everything she’d been secretly hoping for since the moment she’d first seen him. “Now I know you love me, Studman. Or should I call you Love Machine?”

He laughed and then maneuvered her over to the edge of Ben’s desk. “Didn’t we decide Love Machine was better? Now come on, Cinderella, let’s see if they fit.”

“Wait,” Christie said, putting a palm against the hard warmth of his chest. “I have a better idea.”

Joseph raised an eyebrow. “Tell me.”

Starting to feel breathless at her own daring, Christie went over to the door and with a certain amount of deliberation, locked it.

“Oh,” Joseph said softly. “That kind of idea. In your boss’s office? Are you sure?”

She turned around and met his hungry blue gaze. “Hey, they don’t call me Naughtygirl for nothing, remember?” And grinned. “Now can we see if the boots fit?”

They did.

And when everything else came off, Christie’s Ugg boots stayed firmly on.