Everything that she had been thinking just flooded out and she handed it over to him to fix. He was looking deep in her eyes, absorbing what she was saying. But he already knew everything that she was saying because he had been torturing himself with his faults for the last two weeks since her attack all on his own. He knew how badly he had let her down.
When Derrick got that first phone call from Annie, Kate’s sister, that Kate was in the hospital, he had dropped everything midday and rushed to see her. He had been angry previously, thinking that she had stood him up on their lunch date the day before, but when he found out the truth of where she was, he felt guilty for ever having doubted her. He practically ran into her hospital room but then stopped dead in his tracks when he saw her.
He barely recognized her.
Kate had bruises and cuts riddled across her face, arms, and her chest. That was only the part that he could see, he had no idea how bad it really was. Annie had just said in her message that Kate had gotten hurt, she had not given any specifics at all so he had no idea what to expect. He had assumed she had been in a car accident or something like that, it just seemed like the more common scenario. He had felt nothing but compassion when he thought that but then when he saw that piece of paper on her side table, it completely shifted everything.
Rape kit.
He couldn’t even figure out what he was looking at. He saw the words, he knew what the words meant, and he knew what the words implied, but somehow the full picture still eluded him. His mind had gone cloudy and confused and he had no idea how to respond. He was uncomfortable, he was selfish. He knew all of these things. He had seen those words and awkwardly bailed from the room as soon as he was able to blurt out some lame excuse that he couldn’t even remember now.
All he had done was just look at the words on a piece of paper and had panicked, he couldn’t imagine how much exponentially worse it was for Kate to actually experience it. Rape kits were so invasive and often traumatizing the victim all over again, scouring every inch of the bruised skin for a clue inside and out. Photographs of every angle, every mark, every place that she would rather keep hidden. If they were going to ever catch her rapist, they needed that evidence but it didn’t make the experience any easier. And all he had done was read two words and run.
So, she was right. He had left her. He had left her alone in a hospital room and didn’t return. Many days went by before he finally pushed his selfishness aside and came back to her apartment and begged forgiveness.. The worst part is that he couldn’t even really explain why or what he had been so afraid of, why he had abandoned the woman that he loved.
“Kate, I am sorry. I was an ass and I know it, but I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what to say that can make it better because there is nothing to say except that I am so sorry.” Derrick hung his head, ashamed of himself. Kate was still kneeling in front of him and she could feel his pain seeping out of him. She was the one who should be comforted but here she was, consoling Derrick instead. She reached up and held his cheek in her hand, tilting her head to look him in the eyes.
“I don’t know the answer either, Derrick. I’m just as clueless but I know how I feel and I feel broken. I feel as if what we have is broken, Derrick. I needed you and you weren’t there for me. I love you but this,” Kate motioned between the two of them, “isn’t what we used to be.”
“Kate, I love you too but this isn’t broken. What he have, that spark, the connection-it’s all still there. Maybe two people can be broken on their own, but together they heal each other, they are whole. Kate, I am broken without you in my life.” Derrick jumped in, trying to stop her from continuing and saying something worse.
He pulled her up onto the couch on his lap, where she was sitting next to him but her legs were draped over his lap. She leaned her head against his shoulder and tilted her head to look up at him. He turned to look down at her and smiled, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. His eyes were sad and misty, she knew he was sorry. But it didn’t change the fact that she couldn’t trust him. Could she?
“Derrick, I love you but the trust is gone. What’s a relationship without trust?” Kate whispered to him, trying to keep from starting crying as she pressed tighter against him. She felt comforted by his arm around her back and his heart beating near her ear as she leaned against him.