“I’m not trying to pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to do,” I said quickly. “And like I said, the room doesn’t come with any strings attached. I just want you to be safe.”
Suddenly, she released her knees and sat forward, wrapping her arms around me with a little whimper that took me completely by surprise. We sat there, holding on to each other, for several long minutes. I still wasn’t sure – was this a yes-please? Or a no-thank-you-but-thank-you-for-caring?
“I know all of this – us – is moving pretty quickly, but it just… I don’t know. It doesn’t feel wrong, not to me anyway.”
In fact, it felt more right than anything else had in the past five years.
“It doesn’t feel wrong to me, either,” she whispered into my shoulder.
I took that as a yes-please and pulled her tighter, my heart so full, it felt like it might burst. I had no idea what was happening between us, but I had the distinct impression that whatever it was, it was out of our hands.
I LAY IN BED THAT NIGHT, wide awake. I stared at the ceiling, counted sheep and tossed and turned. The one thing I couldn’t do was sleep.
How the hell could I still miss Em as much as I did, yet I couldn’t stop thinking about Maia?
I’d said the offer didn’t come with any conditions or expectations – and at the time, I thought I meant it. But now, at night, with the house quiet and dark, and Maia so close yet so far from me, it felt like a lie. I didn’t want her down the hall. I wanted her right there, in my bed, beside me. The realisation hit me like a freight train.
Was it even possible to love two women at the same time?
One thing was for sure – I loved Maia. I’m not sure how long I’d known it or whether she felt the same, but it was no good lying to myself about it anymore. I’d fallen hard and fast for her – really fast. I’d told myself that we barely knew each other. I’d told myself that I wasn’t ready. I’d told myself a thousand other things, but in the end I couldn’t find a single valid reason to back off. She had me, one hundred percent.
I lay there, trying to imagine how I’d feel if I woke up to find her gone. That’s when I knew. I knew, in the way your heart knows before your head realises, that if she left now, it would hurt like hell.
They say falling in love takes time, but I call bullshit on that. It takes guts. It can happen in a moment – a single heartbeat, even – but to hand someone the key to your happiness is the most courageous move you’ll ever make. You’re giving them the power to utterly destroy you, and you don’t even know you’re doing it. I think that’s the most frightening part. By the time you realise what’s happened, it’s too late. You’re already in over your head.
So now what?
We’d spent the evening talking and listening to music. The outside world ceased to exist, shrinking until it was just the two of us, sitting on my couch, in my living room, in the near-dark. I could’ve stayed up all night, adrenaline coursing through me at first, then settling into a dull buzz, like a hum of anticipation at what was to follow. Honestly, I didn’t care what came next. I just wanted to be with her.
I kissed her again, just once. I know I could’ve kissed her more than once, but I wanted to slow things down a bit, to regain some semblance of control over this situation we’d found ourselves in, this juggernaut that was gaining momentum. I wanted her to be comfortable. I’d pulled her into my lap, and she’d settled in as if she belonged there. She caressed the short hair at the nape of my neck, sending spikes of electricity shooting through me until I had to pull away. I don’t think she had any idea how much self-control that had taken.
Unlike Em, Maia had to be goaded into talking about herself. She was reluctant, evasive even. I got the feeling that she didn’t let just anyone in, and I liked that she was lowering her defences for me, even if it was slowly. I was prepared to wait as long as it took for her to open up to me. We had all the time in the world.
I’d expected her to put up a fight when I suggested moving into the spare room, yet she had literally melted into my arms as soon as I mentioned it. It mystified me, but also served up a huge helping of relief. At least with me, she’d be safe. No need for me to worry about where she was spending the night.
I don’t know what time I eventually dozed off, but when I woke up the sun was just rising. I could tell by the pale golden light behind my bedroom curtains, the ones I’d spent most of the night staring at. The house was quiet. I poked my head out of the bedroom and looked down the hall. The spare room door was open. I crept further. The bed had been remade and a sense of crushing disappointment engulfed me. Where was she?
Walking into the living room, my heart-rate spiked when I saw her sitting outside on the balcony, her back to me.
Thank God. I was beginning to think last night had just been a figment of my imagination.