I could feel myself tipping over the edge again. My head throbbed as I drew in a slow breath, exhaling through my teeth. I would try again tomorrow, just like I had tried yesterday and today. The answers to all my questions had to be out there, somewhere.
I turned off the light above the mirror and climbed back into bed, exhausted. I pulled the sheet up taut under my breasts and folded my arms across it, trying to barricade myself in. I needed to keep it together, somehow.
Rain battered against the window outside. Beyond the glass, the day was grey and cold, but inside it was neither one thing nor the other. I wasn’t cold, I wasn’t hot. I was lost.
Why wasn’t anyone looking for me?
Heath
According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces.
Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts,
condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.
― Plato, The Symposium
SOME DAYS, THE WORLD just seemed brighter, as if the celestial colour had been turned up on some divine menu setting. Shades were deeper, saturation set to maximum, shadows almost gone. Today was one such day.
The sun hovered just above the horizon, turning everything it touched to gold. It was almost magical, the way it set fire to the sky. Seagulls circled slowly overhead, calling to each other with cries that sounded vaguely human as they rebounded off the surrounding hills and down over the water. The offshore wind drew the waves towards the beach evenly, each one perfectly formed, pristine, idyllic. On a morning like this, it was almost as if everything was right with the world.
Almost.
Out back, beyond the breakers, my board and I dipped and rose on the surface of the warm water as one. The tranquillity washed over me, around me, through me. Giving in to temptation, I closed my eyes and offered up my fears and doubts to the universe, just like Dad had taught me years before.
At this time of day, those of us out on the water shared a mutual respect for the serenity. There was the odd holler or shout as someone wiped out or bailed, but mostly we were quiet, careful not to upset the balance. A school of surfers, waiting patiently for the ideal conditions.
The water undulated beneath me, as if an imaginary hand were pushing it towards me in a giant bathtub. I thought I could feel the planet breathing.
Up, down. In, out.
I could almost taste the possibility in the air, hiding amid the feathery breeze, alive with salt and sand.
Reluctantly, I tore myself back to the present, opening my eyes. Glancing out over the line-up, I watched Vinnie, a few metres from me, with Marlow and Joel further out. We’d been coming out here since we were kids. Sometimes, it felt as if some of us still were.
The youngest out of all of us by just over a year, Marlow grinned and jerked his head behind him. I watched the swell gently rise and fall. My heart began to race as I lay down on my board and began slowly digging through the water, paddling towards the beach. I could feel the wave bearing down on me from behind and adrenaline fired through my system, setting fire to every nerve-ending in my body. This was what it was all about. The buzz, the rush, the thrill of going one-on-one with the power of nature.
Here we go.
AN HOUR LATER, Vinnie and I reluctantly loaded our boards into the back of my Ford Courier.
“So, you’re all good for tomorrow night, right?” he asked.
I climbed into the driver’s seat, pulling the door shut. “Why? What’s happening tomorrow night?”
For a moment, Vinnie was speechless, and I tried desperately to keep the smile off my face, gunning the engine.
“Bastard,” he mumbled under his breath, climbing in and slamming the door shut.
“Yo! Later, brothers Danes!”
I threw a quick wave as Marlow pulled a handbrake turn, he and Joel disappearing in a cloud of dust, back into town.
“So?” Vinnie prodded.
His birthday party had been planned for weeks. Jas had taken care of every little detail – invitations, food, venue – even theme. Bloody theme party, costumes and all. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been to a costume party. Seemed a little juvenile for a thirtieth, but it wasn’t my place to say. Jas was a force to be reckoned with, especially when she was eight and a half months pregnant. Planning this thing had kept her busy, and at this time of year, busy was good. I knew that, better than anybody.
I tried to weasel my way out of the costume deal, but she wasn’t having it. No costume, no entry. I didn’t think Vinnie could’ve given a shit either way, but they were sticking together on this, just like they did on everything. Individually, they were difficult. Together, they were unstoppable. So I’d thrown something together to get them both off my back. At least they couldn’t say I hadn’t tried.
We climbed up the gravel road, away from the beach and back to the real world.
“Chillax big brother, I’ll be there,” I said, putting him out of his misery.